Trusting God

The past couple of years have been hard emotionally.  I haven’t wanted to write about any of it really, because I usually want to try to learn something – or at least understand it – before writing about it.  I think it was Hemingway who said “Never write about something until you’re through it.”

Well, what if it doesn’t have a clear “end?”  What if you still haven’t learned anything profound from it?

What if you’re never really “through” it?

Losing my dad has been so horrible.  I don’t write about it, but I think about it often.  Sometimes I become extremely depressed when thinking too much on it.  Which is partly why I gained weight last year.  Remembering how much my dad wanted me to enjoy life in it’s fullest with a healthy body – and to be happy with my body, is why I started being healthy again right before we got pregnant with our 3rd.

He’s gotten much better, but the stroke (if that’s what it was) really changed his personality, and I miss him so much.

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And then on the blue line side of things, seeing so many innocent men and women die – seeing the public generally not understanding or thinking “this is what they signed up for” – that they literally signed up to be assassinated in a country that used to be free – has been hard to understand heads or tails of.  I didn’t want to write my thoughts on all the police deaths for many reasons: the anger, the depth of heartache, facing the truth that most of them are racially motivated, the ugliness of it all, and just plain not being able to understand it.

Something that HAS really helped, has been leaning on God, even when I was extremely depressed or terrified.  Trusting Him and trusting in His goodness even though knowing He allows the worst to happen has been healing.

The only thing I could find that’s close to explaining what I’ve been learning about God’s protection, even when He allows murder and death of good people, is this audio of Elisabeth Elliot.

She explains it well and it brings peace to me to know that no matter what happens in this life, our ultimate ends are safe and secure in Him.  Which is why it’s better to trust in God, even in times like these.

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Self-Reflection & Being a Bad or Good Person

harry-potter-and-sirius-black

You can feel like you’re a bad person when a lot of bad things are happening to you.  When you don’t understand why or how, when you don’t understand your feelings of anger inside, you can start to wonder if you’re really the problem or a bad person.  Self-reflection is healthy and necessary, it’s a biblical command to examine yourself and search out if there’s anything wrong you might be doing, but I believe that sometimes we can be overwhelmed with tragedy or filth, and not be able to clearly see beyond our circumstances.

I remember the first time I saw the 5th Harry Potter movie, The Order of the Phoenix, it was during a time when I had been going through a lot of pain and rejection with my family.  The year before, I had a falling out with two friends that were close, that had I trusted, that had totally betrayed me.  After a year of losing those friends and feeling judged and misunderstood, the family rejection was the nail in the coffin – I was officially “estranged,” from my own family.

When I was watching The Order of the Phoenix, I was on my honeymoon and probably in a very mild depression.  A part came up when Harry was talking to his god-father, Sirius, about how he felt with all the bad things that have happened to him, that maybe something had gone wrong inside him, and that he was changing and turning bad.  He talked about his feelings of unexplained anger and hatred, how he secretly feared he was becoming more like Voldemort (the seriously evil antagonist in the story).  Sirius said something that I’ll never forget, read the script dialogue:

Harry Potter: This connection between me and Voldemort… what if the reason for it is that I am becoming more like him? 

I just feel so angry, all the time.

What if after everything that I’ve been through, something’s gone wrong inside me? What if I’m becoming bad?

Sirius Black: I want you to listen to me very carefully, Harry.

You’re not a bad person. You’re a very good person, who bad things have happened to.

Besides, the world isn’t split into good people and Death Eaters. We’ve all got both light and dark inside us.

What matters is the part we choose to act on.

That’s who we really are.

If you’ve had horrible things happen to you, and you don’t understand why, or if you are caught up in something at this moment, and you are worried about the immense emotions you feel, maybe you need to hear these words.

It really all boils down to our choices, what we choose to do… like Sirius said, are choices are what makes us who we really are.