The Nice Guy Wants to Be Your Partner, Not a Leader

I stumbled upon this post (below) over at a forum I used to comment at frequently back in 2008 (a year into my marriage when I thought I could magically fix everyone’s marriage problems), called enotalone.  Back then it was a smallish community of regular commenters and we would try to help any new people who came there with friend issues, family issues, sex issues, or marriage problems.  I loved reading everyone’s personal situations, maybe its the nosy yenta in me, however, I loved being able to analyze a difficult situation and try to find (or listen to) the best advice for that person’s particular situation.

Not everyone seeking answers were ready to hear what we had to say about their predicament.  Much like in therapy, you cannot just disclose everything you see wrong immediately to a person or they’ll shut it out in self defense, and nothing good will come of their experience with you, or from your advice.  You have to slowly help them to see the real problem; you really have to help them come to terms with it themselves first.

What I found striking about this particular post (from May 2014)  is how honest this self-proclaimed (and proud?) beta-male is about his desire to be a partner, not a leader, in a relationship with a wife.

I emphasized the phrases that are particularly important to his particular situation, and want to go through each one to dissect exactly what is going on here in his life at that moment in time.  But first, his plea for help:

***

Hey everyone

I’m trying for some introspection here – before I start just let me say that I’m not looking for this thread for nice guys to complain about how they finish last.

So hey there….I’m a nice guy and I finish last 😛

I’m on the heels of another breakup (long time coming) and just trying to…. get some perspective on my place in the dating world

For any of you who have taken any interest in the Mayer/Briggs personality test, I’m an ISFJ – for the uninitiated, that’s a uber-responsible softie with some other annoying attributes – I was fascinated when I took the test, as it nailed me to probably 90% (I’m an ISFJ that will actually communicate with you and a few other discrepancies)

So my ex and I made the call to separate a few weeks back. There were numerous reasons for this, many boiling down to simple incompatibility:

She’s very high energy and an extremely outspoken and self proclaimed Alpha female whereas I’m a softer spoken artsy type

We didn’t have anything in common that we enjoyed doing together and conversation was really really hard. I found her overwhelming and she found me reeeaaally boring ( I’ve never had that with anyone before)- this one was the main factor as we just didn’t have fun together

Her opinions are hard and fast whereas I’m more….tender I guess towards other peoples opinions and perspectives

We recognized these and our other differences early on and thought we’d be able to make it based on the other attributes we liked about one another. Over time I found her very critical and overwhelming and I would more and more often become anxious and stressed – in all honesty I should have had better boundaries and left ages ago

Fort the last two years we were embroiled in a crazy roller coaster ride with her teenage daughter, when the fog lifted and we had some time to really re-examine us as a couple we wondered what there really was when you take the family (she has 5 kids) responsibilities out of it. In typical ISFJ fashion I threw myself into family responsibilities for the last 3.5 years of our partnership.

Over time, while she appreciated my gentle, giving nature she really found that she wanted more of an Alpha male, more of a challenge, more of a ballbuster (I don’t know how to be a challenge with the huge demands of the family). I understand her wants, but feel they would make more sense were it to just be the two of us, or with a few less kids – it was exhausting.

So much of the literature around this sort of thing will say, be a challenge to your girlfriend, to your wife, always leave her wanting, give her two signs of affection for her every three….that sort of thing.

I’m just like my dad…I’m not a alpha male,

I’m the typical ISFJ guy who will make sure everything runs smoothly, show my love, support you and give you my last quarter cup of Starbucks if you finish yours, you an trust me with your life and your heart.

So….I think I’m just trying to process, my ex has said before to me “you get so lost in us” (meaning the family) and I definitely did, for a long time I was leaving work 2-3 times a day to check on her daughter, we’ve done eating disorder, self harm, suicide ideation, tons of police visits…. I could go on, it’s been a rocky ride, stressful ride. I always say my dedication and support for all her kids and her to be where my strength lay as a “strong male”, while not aggressive and outspoken I was there for all the stuff her and the kids needed, many hospital visits and drunken teen escapades. It felt like a bit of a catch-22 as she’d tell me not to get lost in everything, but she was very demanding (also self proclaimed) and the needs of the family were very high so I didn’t really know how to NOT get lost in everything.

I’m rambling, I guess where I’m at is I’m not sure how to take this (there’s a ton more details, maybe some of you remember some of my posts back in January) but I’m not sure if I went wrong picking someone extremely incompatible with me? Maybe I should have held out for a sweet gentle librarian or am I too “Beta” and gentle which is a turn-off?

If I am too beta and gentle, I don’t really know how to up my game in that regard without compromising who I am (which is a gentle beta-artist by the looks of it)

I was forward with my needs and frustrations with her, but they always got shut down fairly quickly, so as time went on, I voiced my needs less and less. This was a point of frustration for her, but when I explained that it seemed pointless to do so because she’d just shut me down….she would shut that down too……

Is there a place for Beta guys? (as we are called), some people would say “nice guy” but I find that that moniker also includes, possessiveness, passive-aggressiveness and shut off emotions (none of which are me)

I get why women would go for the confidence of the Alpha male, but dang….I’m just not at this point in my life and never have been, I was a quiet baby, quiet kid, etc, I’m just a more peaceful kind of person who would rather be a partner than a leader in a relationship.

Or maybe I was just with the wrong person way too long, trying too hard to fit a square peg in a round hole, I don’t know.

Any thoughts on my rambling mess?

Thanks”

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First, there is nothing wrong with being a quiet, introverted, or “gentle” male, these qualities do not necessarily have to mean that a guy is feminine (emasculated) as well.  Alpha and beta are much more complicated that what most people seem to try to confine their definitions into.  The best and most simplistic manner I can possibly attribute to what is “beta” is an attitude of deference or subservience to a woman’s opinions, her needs, or her desires.  A kind of lack of confident authority or capable masculinity in a man.  Being too dependent on her happiness for his own happiness… allowing her to run and rule the family while he takes a back seat as a pseudo-equal partner, or because she leads better “makes better decisions.”

I give this guy a lot of credit for being honest and self-aware enough to admit that he actually doesn’t want to be a leader… most men who have been groomed into this kind of equality-type marriage adamantly assert that there shouldn’t be a leader (that somehow they both manage to lead and no one follows – yea, right) because they are both equal partners in the marriage.  Society has purposefully created these “beta” males, destining them for unhappiness as they strive for niceness and peacefulness, to be partners instead of leaders in their marriages.  However, no one endures the pain and frustration throughout life like the beta male does.  Let’s take a look at the emphasized sentences a little closer:

1) “as a couple we wondered what there really was when you take the family (she has 5 kids) responsibilities out of it. In typical ISFJ fashion I threw myself into family responsibilities for the last 3.5 years of our partnership.
Over time, while she appreciated my gentle, giving nature she really found that she wanted more of an Alpha male”

He doesn’t give their ages, but a single man who has taken on a woman with 5 children is only a plight a beta male would put himself through… the self-sacrificing, self-effacing giver who prefers to “do the right thing” for someone else, but never for himself (or always puts himself and his needs last).  Forever seeking to be the hero in order to mask their lack of real authority or tangible masculinity in their relationships, in classic white knight or beta fashion, he “threw” himself into family responsibilities for the last 3.5 years of his “partnership.”  Men who have been brainwashed by society to be “beta” believe that the crucible of true masculinity is in how much he can give, how much he can bleed for his partner and children, how many of his needs he can sacrifice, no matter how unappreciative or nonreciprocal his wife (ironically and supposedly his “equal” partner) is.  The problem is that women typically do not appreciate all that the self-sacrificing beta male does, she becomes accustomed to taking advantage of all the “sacrifice” he gives without having to pay anything herself for it, women will use this kind of man (for his goods and services) for a long time, but he will never win her respect and thus will never capture her raw desire.

2) I’m just like my dad…I’m not a alpha male,

This makes me so sad.  I think very few men had a good example of a father-figure in their life who exhibited what God truly intended for a man to be while growing up.  Most fathers are likely too passive, allowing the wife to be the true leader, while he is simply a figure head, pseudo-leader of the family to outsiders… behind closed doors, she is the one who leads.  When children (especially boys) grow up in this kind of family environment, they hear all these mixed messages (in church) about men being the spiritual head or leader of the family, and yet they watch day to day reactions where their father submits, defers, and is subservient to their mother who essentially runs their Matriarchal family.

This thus creates men who grew up with beta fathers, who in turn will produce more beta boys.

Boys desperately DESPERATELY need fathers who are strong, masculine, capable and confident in their God-given position to LEAD their family.

3)  I always say my dedication and support for all her kids and her to be where my strength lay as a “strong male”, while not aggressive and outspoken I was there for all the stuff her and the kids needed, many hospital visits and drunken teen escapades.

This again, depicts what is the crucible to a beta male of what represents true strength or masculinity – his ability to support her and her kids, to be there for her and for them.  He sacrificed his own time and energy in this relationship (that was not even a marriage, and to kids who are not even his own), thinking it was the epitome of being the “strong male” that she’d eventually desire.  He rationalizes that (based upon all his love and dedication and sacrifice), he is her hero and should be (at the very least) appreciated as such.  But do beta males ever get appreciated for all that they are willing to do for a woman (and her 5 children)?  No….  Their reward (this is harsh but so true) is a very unfulfilled or nonexistent sex life, or her cheating on him with an alpha-type male (more common than you’d think), or her using him for years for resources, money, housing, or emotional support, or parenting her fatherless children (as in this case) only to leave him after the fact because she’s finally realized she desires someone more alpha.

Women like this know they desire someone more alpha, but they are not against using a beta male for as long as he allows himself to be used.

4) If I am too beta and gentle, I don’t really know how to up my game in that regard without compromising who I am (which is a gentle beta-artist by the looks of it)

This is a common problem with men who have a skewed view of alpha vs. beta.  There is no one cookie cutter creation for what makes an alpha.  Every man is different, and it is a journey a man has to travel on his own, with God, to find his own identity.  It is probably the most difficult life journey any man has to undertake in order to realize his full potential to be what & who God intended him to be.

But believing that becoming “alpha” will somehow compromise his true “beta” self, he is undermining any advancement in personal growth, healthy boundaries, or even spiritual growth as he forgoes learning to acquire real strength and develop authentic masculinity.  A healthy, strong, masculine man does not allow a woman to use him in such a manner.  Such a parasitic relationship is not what God intended for him to “endure” in order to achieve a kind of “holy” sainthood for his sacrifice and dedication.  Having strong boundaries, a strong sense of self-respect and healthy pride in himself, a confident assertiveness, and a clear mind that can see a situation for what it is and be able to avoid a woman’s petty manipulations – these are all qualities of a healthy “alpha” male.  He does not need to change his innate gentleness or kindness, he just has to make sure he isn’t ruled by these qualities.  He doesn’t have to become some kind of “ball-busting” asshole like he says she would prefer.  While many criminals, sociopaths, and yes, assholes would be classified in the alpha category (and have the women to prove it), they are only alphas because they exhibit these traits (or take them to unhealthy extremes), not solely because of their anti-social behaviors.

5) I was forward with my needs and frustrations with her, but they always got shut down fairly quickly

Another failure of the beta male, is to be “forward” with a woman on what he needs or wants from her, to try to explain or break-down logically how a reciprocal relationship should work.

Women (like any human with a conscience) understand how reciprocity works, it is simply that they feel they don’t have to abide by those particular rules when it comes to nice beta men.  A woman who picks a beta man is not picking him in order to fulfill his deepest desires and fantasies, she is picking him for what HE can do for HER.  It is Emma Watson’s HE FOR SHE in real life played out day-to-day.  HE has to cater to HER, HE has to be there for HER, HE has to put up (or shut up) for HER… and so-on and so-on it goes.  When or if he starts to feel like it is a little one-sided and tries to explain to her about reciprocity, she plays dumb, doesn’t “get it,” and as in his own example he gets “shut down fairly quickly.”

She just doesn’t want to hear that he has needs, too.  It’s HE for SHE remember?

6) Is there a place for Beta guys?

There is “a place,” however it is not a place he wants to be, because being beta is never going to be fulfilling for a man, he will always feel a tug that something isn’t right, that his true self is somehow being repressed or even oppressed by everything and everyone in society.  He will always feel (unless it is extremely repressed) that he is somehow falling short, failing to be a true man.

There are many men who have found their place and lived the life as a beta man, husband, and father… and they often also find themselves waking up to a woman who doesn’t desire them in that raw sexual way, or who tells them she has never loved them to begin with, or who constantly disrespects him or undermines him in their marriage.  Again, it is simply not a place he wants to be in.

7) I’m just a more peaceful kind of person who would rather be a partner than a leader in a relationship.

Possibly the most wonderful example of true masculinity depicted in literature is that of Jesus Christ.  His unswerving strength, His confidence and capability, His boldness and courage, His assertiveness and toughness – all these masculine qualities were matched with calculated compassion, gentleness, love for children, joy, peacefulness, understanding.  He was not an asshole, nor was he a blubbering emo.  He was not merely a dutiful, quiet beta – He had much too much gumption and gall in fighting with the Pharisees than to be a compliant “peace at all costs” beta.

He stood up for what was Truth, always exhibiting what was the opposite of cowardice.

Which, when you really look at it, a beta male is afraid… afraid of his own masculinity.  Society tells him its too dangerous, undesirable, or even wrong.

But men, nothing could be further from the Truth.

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Advice For the Wife Who Doesn’t Love Her Husband Anymore

Many people get married for the wrong reasons… be it to get away from their parents, because they want to avoid being alone (aka: they’re not comfortable enough on their own as an adult so they want to codependently live with another), they are pregnant, or they are 29 and don’t want to be that single person still in their 30’s.

I’d say that women are more prone to marrying for the wrong reasons, but I’ve heard of many men doing it too.  Regardless, once a person is married, it’s my belief that they should do whatever they have to do to love that person that they chose, and to actively work together with them to embrace the life they’ve chosen.  And make it into the most beautiful life they can together.

This short clip from Dr. Laura’s old radio show touches all the key points of a wife, after 14 years of marriage, deciding that she never loved her husband to begin with, and that she just doesn’t have those feelings towards him of being sexually attracted or emotionally in love.

Nevermind they have 3 kids together… kids that depend upon their parent’s ability to love each other and make a marriage work.  She just “never loved him” to begin with.

How convenient.

For you singles in the dating market, beware of someone marrying you just because it’s the right thing to do.  Or because they’re afraid to be an old maid (they’re 29 about to hit 30 soon).  They are settling for you, and you will someday wake up next to them to find a wife that no longer wants sex with you, that tells you that they never did love you.

My Husband Isn’t Worthy of My Desire, Respect, Trust or Kindness

Wife angry

I received an email from a woman in her mid 30’s wondering how one can honestly desire, respect, trust or be kind to a husband that “doesn’t deserve it.”  In her own words, her husband isn’t “worthy” of her desire, respect, trust, or even kindness, that “the real problem is that this advice (my blog’s advice) is EASY to follow when you are married to a great guy and you haven’t ever had any hardships or resentments or relationship issues.”  That if you manage to get engaged early, marry the perfect man, have a dream proposal, etc. that you won’t have to work hard, or put any effort in at all, to have a good marriage.

This is based on the societal lie that the only people who have good marriages are the ones who got lucky in their picking, the stars aligned and behold, they acquired their “unicorn,” or mythical creature of perfection in marriage.  It is also based on the societal lie that women can treat their husbands “like crap” (her words), and still expect to somehow create a beautiful marriage, or at the very least, be angry or annoyed at someone (like me) suggesting that they should treat their husbands with respect, desire, trust and kindness if they want to have a good marriage.

Abuse, adultery, and alcoholism are things that ruin a marriage, and no, this woman’s husband was not guilty of any of those things.  He was simply an imperfect man who failed to meet her high expectations of carrying out a fantasy and dream romance.  She said in her email that she knew she carried some intense anger and resentment from the engagement into the marriage… and it was still there, 7 years later.  Because he messed up at the beginning, one time, she decided to make the rest of the 7 years full of anger and resentment.

For any wife reading this, let me give you some of the encouragement that I gave to this woman.

You need to let go of any grudges or resentment or anger you have toward your husband.

We are all human.  People make mistakes, your husband makes mistakes, and most importantly, you make mistakes.  If we as wives cannot learn to forgive and look beyond the mistakes that our husbands make, we are going to be miserable, terrible wives, and mothers who choose to live as an unhealthy role model to everyone around us.

If something happened in the past, choose to forgive, move on and let it go.  Never use old hurts or disappointments as ammunition to throw at your husband in the heat of an argument.  And never use past decisions to destroy the future of your marriage!  There is an interesting article at The Rational Male talking about a woman who never respected her husband in the first place, and when the time was right (several years into the marriage) decided to try her hand at attracting other men to get back at her husband for failing her several years before.

Marriage takes work

Your marriage is designed to make you grow and mature.  No, seriously, it’s how God designed it!  Living together with another person of the opposite sex, learning how to communicate in a healthy, adult way.  Learning how to be unselfish after a whole lifetime of putting yourself first enough to try to think about what he may want or need from you.  It is hard, but it is wonderful growth if you embrace it!

Part of the feminist society that we find ourselves living in tells women that they don’t have to work to have a good marriage, that being a “good wife,” that freely gives her husband a fulfilling and passionate sex life – that wants to please her husband – is degrading or beneath her position as a strong woman.  Cooking for her family is beneath her, instead women now take pride in never taking the time to learn to cook a simple meal.  Keeping a clean house is oppressive… who has time for that drudgery?  Nevermind that children need and crave a peaceful, stable, organized, reasonably clean place to come home to and be nourished in.  Loving her children and serving her family in these ways are outdated, and were oppressive for the women in the 1950’s era.  Women who still do them are backwards, old-fashioned, or at worst, doormats to be so submissive to their husbands.  These are the real, feminist lies we live in, and they do not promote self-less care and love for others, but they do promote selfishness.

So what we end up with is the ugly realities of a reoccurring feminist ideology that women should not have to do anything for men, except to show up, and then expect to be catered to for being female.

Instead of feeling entitled to a dream romance or the perfect marriage, we as wives need to be ensuring that we live and create our dream romance, by making an effort to be romantic with our husbands. By romancing him first if need be.  Not by complaining that he isn’t worth our efforts to begin with.

If your husband is the typical, normal husband who works for his family, providing for them, being a dad to your kids, the men that I see all around me whenever I go out, believe me, he does deserve your respect, love, desire, compassion, kindness, faithfulness, and gentleness.

I challenged this woman to try to emulate these beautiful characteristics into her character, and she turned it down, still adamantly assuring me that my husband must be perfect and hers just wasn’t, and although she felt sad about it, that he just wasn’t the man she wanted him to be, and should never have married him in the first place.

Dear wives out there, take my challenge.  If you want a good, healthy marriage, you absolutely need to give him respect, and be nice, kind and compassionate – you need to give him a healthy passionate fun and loving sex life!

Try these things for a month and see if it doesn’t make a difference, I’ll bet it changes everything.

Men Need Sympathetic Understanding from a Woman

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I have a penchant for taking pictures of water lilies.  Their quiet, breathtaking beauty, their poise as they sit on top of the still water, the reflections around them, are all captivating to me as the scene often speaks to the inner depths of my soul.

Such is a woman who offers a man the rarity of a sympathetic understanding.

A commenter, Buena Vista, whom I respect and admire said recently, (emphasis my own),

Two qualities that I find extremely rare in women, of sterling appearance, habits and spirit — or not: a) empathy for a man; b) noticing and learning the private, profound interests or qualities in a man. These qualities will generally earn mind-lock over a male, who may in fact be so unaccustomed to them that they are initially threatening.

Men do not desire their most intimate partner to be someone who possesses a critical spirit, a harsh attitude, or a bitter inclination.  Despite being displayed as caricatures of men who are without needs, buffoons to be manipulated for a woman’s benefit, or emasculated-feminized men, the real Man desires a woman who is capable of having empathy for him.

The girl or woman who captivates like the poised water lily possesses gentleness, benevolence – loving to help others, genuine kindness, compassion… the traits that embody a sympathetic understanding for men in general.

Yes, in general.  It is insincere for a woman to display these traits towards one member of the human race, while not extending it to others.  The fact that a woman does possess this capability means that she must, and is required to, show her gentleness and quiet inner strength to even to the disagreeable types.

When a woman endeavors to offer her sympathy to a man, she is capable of feeling with him everything that he is feeling and experiencing.  If he is going through a horrible, tough time, she is there and is sympathetic to his trials.  If he is losing his best friend or mother, she is there suffering the loss with him.  She offers him her gentleness, compassion, warm spirit, while keeping her own inner hope inside.  She can stare into the darkness of the abyss, yet be separate and not overwhelmed by it.  His depression does not rub off on her, yet she becomes a light that God’s given to him (indeed, reflecting God’s own light), to help guide him through the darkness.

Somehow, women with our unique beauty and spirit have powers over men.  I’ve written a few posts on the Muse, and how frequently, muses throughout history of the great authors and noble men, were women who – although simple and often even uneducated – had the unique ability to lift the man’s spirits, to propel him through times such as war (in the past).  It is a lost art, the Art of Offering Sympathy, that women today simply do not understand at all.

But rest assured that men do need this from a woman, especially from his wife if he is married.  It is as much of a need as sex is for a man.  Buena Vista (commenter) hit on something very true with his last sentiment:

“These qualities will generally earn mind-lock over a male, who may in fact be so unaccustomed to them that they are initially threatening.”

A woman who possesses those qualities is captivating to a man.  Men want to be understood, they want to know their lover will give them time when they need it, and not rush a process of frustration, depression, or grief.

Some things he doesn’t need

There are some pitfalls us women are very prone to when it comes to trying to offer men our sympathy and understanding:

  • We minimize his problems, encouraging him to snap out of it, move through it faster, count his blessings, etc.
  • We offer him solutions to his problems when he really desires us to reassure him that we still believe and have faith in him

Thoughts and inspiration from The Fascinating Girl

The Competitive Woman

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This… is a photo I snapped of an ad we found in our mailbox for an auto-place in our city.  At first glance, it just looks like they’re having fun, washing the car together, but unfortunately, it displays a whole lot more than that with body-language upon a closer look.

Who is in control?

The woman.  Let’s take a long look at the woman.  Really study her body language and features.  Is she more masculine than your average female?  This could be cute to me if she were more feminine looking, however, even her muscular structure looks more masculine than her husband’s.  In this photo, she is the aggressive one, the one not only in control, but looking like she needs to be in control (and enjoying it).  Look at the husband, really look.  Not only is he displayed as more feminine, he is subjugating himself to her supposedly playful attack.  I say supposedly because most men would not find themselves in his position (feeling over-powered by their masculine female partner) something that was “playful” for them, I think most men would not like to feel the feelings that his body language emits.  Powerless.  Wimpy.  The posture of his hands saying, “Please stop.”  He is under her dominion and out of his role as a strong, masculine, leader.  Instead of strong, he looks weak.  Instead of masculine, he looks strangely feminine here (and she looks unmistakably masculine).  Instead of him leading, he is allowing her to control the situation.

An attractive man of course would love water play with his wife, but I doubt this would be how it would play out for him.  He would probably find himself taking the hose from her and going after her with it.  A feminine woman that respected her man would playfully go after him for sure!  I’m not saying that the picture is in any way wrong for her having control of the hose, hear me out!  I tease my husband all the time, even yesterday at a playground with our sons I had a moment of playful teasing with him in front of everyone there.  My son and I decided we would try to hold down his arms on either side while he was taking a rest.  Was he emasculated like this man in the photo?  Not at all 😉  Quite the contrary… he laughed and flexed his arms inward, causing both of us to move closer as he did some quick move to tickle us both so that we screamed and jumped back from him!

We attacked his strength, but he remained in control all the while.  He didn’t beg for mercy, I wasn’t able to truly overpower him (he is much stronger, with more muscle mass than I’ll ever have).  It was the opposite of what is displayed in this photo.

I know it may seem strange to go into this depth of a simple mailbox ad, but as our culture becomes more and more anti-male/pro-woman, things like this ad – displaying a man counter to what you would expect, as well as the woman with her muscles and body-language over-powering his weak display, I find it a little offensive.  I’m not keen on living in a society where my boys will be told (or shown from every angle) that they exist to be a footstool to women who are power hungry and who think they are more masculine than them.  I’m not happy about being in a culture where masculinity is best displayed as a weak, mercy-pleading male.

It’s the opposite of how God intended men and women to be, a perversion of the sexes and their innate strengths and beauty.

Art of Seduction

becomeyourhusbandswhore

I’ve written before how important sex is to men.  How men need sex… how they crave quality sex versus quantity (though they don’t mind quantity).  Its just who they are, and how they were designed to be, and is why since the beginning of time it seems, we have always had the oldest sins around – adultery and prostitution.  These have always stayed with us, for very basic reasons that a wife would do well to understand.

This is not to say that women don’t also cheat on their husbands, apparently they seem to cheat just as much as men do – however, this post is for women to understand why their husbands may look at porn, have a fling, or a full fledged affair with another woman.  Most often, when men search for sexual fulfillment other than their wife, they are doing so because they are craving something very particular.

Admiration

Virtually all men crave a woman who admires him.  A woman who will listen to him when he’s talking about something he finds interesting, or when he’s giving his opinion.  They want a woman who will be interested and fascinated with what he says – yes, I said fascinated.  It turns them on to be in the presence of a hot woman (his wife) who is also giving him her entire attention and the right kind of feedback that says, “You are such an interesting man!  Omg I want you!  Now!!!”

When was the last time you reacted to your husband like that?  I know… us wives are ridiculously tired, over-achieving, too much to do, have kids hanging off our legs at any moment when we’re at home (or out… at the store trying to deal with a meltdown).  I understand, I’m a wife and mother of two now.  But guess what?  Your husband craves this kind of thing, and if this need is met by you, he will move mountains to ensure your happiness.

In our marriage, I’ve made sure to keep this aspect of our romance alive – its just how we’ve always been and I’m not “pretending” to be interested at all, its just second nature to me with him.  Its affects on my husband have made friends jealous of how he treats me, because I play more the role of a lover, he plays more the role of a man who showers his lover with gifts and attention & romance.  He brings me my favorite strawberry filled donut for no reason other than he thought of me at the store when he saw it.  He, on the regular, buys me chocolate just because.  He flirts and teases me like he did when I was 19… and I’m almost 29!  We have the kind of relationship that others envy because I’ve chosen to be a different kind of wife.  (do you hear that? I chose… any wife can make that choice) My role of being his seductive, passionate lover, in essence, strategically segued him into playing his role of being my favorite (and only) “client.”

Respect

How many men crave respect?  All of them.  They want to be known as the leader of their house, they want their wives to defer to them for decisions – but they want their wives to genuinely do it out of the feeling of respect, not just half-heartedly ask their husbands what they think, but to let them know that they are expressly interested in their husband’s response because of who he is.

They want a woman who looks up to them – who doesn’t try to outshine them or put them down – but who greatly esteems them and their opinions on matters (this ties in directly with Admiration).  They don’t want a wife who will constantly argue and bicker with them over decisions and details, or one who challenges them and their headship constantly.

A woman who respects a man, treats him like a man… not like a child that has to be reminded or told what to do, but as a man who is capable.  She believes in him and that he will do the right thing, and he feels it and can’t help himself to fulfill it for her (because he so wants to be perceived that way).

Desire

Husbands want a wife who genuinely desires him.  A woman who does, treats foreplay differently.  She kisses his neck, runs her nails across his chest or down his bare back, she doesn’t just lie there and expect him to give her all the foreplay pleasure… she takes initiative to give it to him as well which draws out his response.

She takes the sexual experience to a whole new level with how passionately involved she is in (and out) of bed.  Desire is so intense (when you really feel it) that it can almost be tasted in the air.  Men crave a woman who shows them this.

Addicted

Men want a woman who feels addicted to them, or who gives them the impression that they are.

A woman who has fun during sex, abandons her inhibitions and isn’t afraid to vocalize anything she’s feeling, thinking, or desiring, is why prostitution (and porn even) are such big addictions for men.  Not only do the women usually look hot, the attitude they have seduces a man.  They crave the attitude a woman has when she is addicted to a man – the attitude their wife may have had when their relationship was just starting out and redhot.

Deeper!”  “OMG you’re so big!” or screaming out during sex lets him know she’s addicted to him.  Husbands crave this from their wives.  They want to feel desired and like the woman is utterly and completely addicted to him, and only him.

If a woman has accomplished all these so far, you can be sure he is starting to get addicted to her as well.  Men get addicted to this kind of sex and woman, it is why viewing porn acts like a drug in the brain.  Virtually all men even if they have a porn addiction, would rather be addicted to a real, flesh and blood woman.  All the more reasons for wives to take note!

Recipe for Disaster

So… like I’ve stated before, these are all basic emotions and feelings that lead to men turning to porn, having minor flings, or full-fledged affairs with other women.  Men are seduced not just because of woman’s body, but because of her mind and the way she uses the Art of Seduction.  If a man is lacking these basic needs in their marriage relationship, I would go as far as to say they are “starving” in these areas.  If a man feels starved, it won’t take much to tempt him to take a bite… I’ve seen homeless men pull half-eaten food out of trash cans!  They are that hungry that they’ll eat something rotting, old, germy, and disgusting… all because they are starving.  If he’s full and having all these desires met, there is no need and no desire (at all) to take a bite of something less than ideal.

You, dear wife, are ideal.  He wants you.

Is He Really Sexually Satisfied?

I write to women on this topic because we are the ones who so often are the “gate-keepers” when it comes to sex.  A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life.  But what exactly does a “healthy sex life” mean?  How do we know if ours is healthy?  This is not meant to be a comparison article of who does what or how often, but more focused on the point of how we can be sure that we are having the best sex in our marriage.  And since this is written to wives, I want to know… are your husbands sexually satisfied?

It’s a loaded question, one that I wonder if many women dare to even ask their husbands, and one that entitled, spoiled women will never have the gall to ask their husbands.

We have an obligation, a responsibility if you will, as the “gate keepers,” to make sure our husbands are sexually satisfied, and take responsibility for our own sexuality to make sure that we are, as well.  A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life.  And a healthy sex life requires a great amount of honest and open communication.

A blogger I truly admire, Dan, at Frankly Speaking, has allowed me to present to you his work & thoughts on why and how we should feel concerned with this topic if we truly value our marriage and our spouse.  He has written an entire series on why “Duty Sex” (mediocre sex that is given just for the purpose of checking off that box) isn’t truly satisfying, and leaves us and our husbands desiring more fulfillment.  He also has compiled a list of some great candid questions that a wife (or husband) can ask in order to really make sure our husbands are sexually satisfied.

My husband and I took time out last night after he got home from his work to go through Dan’s questions, most of whom we already knew the answers to… needless to say, it led to a steamy ending.  😉  Read Dan’s piece & try these with your husband, really seek to understand (without judgment if you don’t like his honest answers), in order to make an effort towards the best sex in your marriage.

Dan from Frankly Speaking:

“Is your husband satisfied with the short menu (your current routine or sex life)? If so, how do you know? Do you really know, or is it something you are assuming because of his behavior (the fact that he still wants sex regardless), or the fact that he has not said anything different to you?

If you have never really established a pattern or method for dialog about sex, how reasonable is it to expect he WOULD say anything if unhappy.

Here is my man perspective on this. A husband is currently getting sex from his wife. How much or what kind is not the point. Getting sex is the point. He knows his wife and he never really talk about sex, and he also (more than likely) believes his wife is reserved sexually. Talking about sex will be difficult. If he tells her he is…which bomb word do I insert here?…bored, unhappy, unexcited, not all that interested, wanting more; you take your pick, he foresees her feelings being hurt and her going into a depression and that means NO SEX.

He would like to speak up, but he doesn’t want what he may see as the bedroom privileges he does enjoy revoked, even though married sex is not to be seen as a privilege to be awarded by either party to the other.

If you have not yet established a sex talk pattern the two of you are comfortable with, what he sees happening with bringing this up is sexual Russian roulette, and the gun is pointing at him with bullets in all chambers of the cylinder. It looks Lose/Lose to him.

So, again I ask, how you can be so sure you are right? How do you know he is happy with the short menu?

Does he like oral sex? How many times a week would he like it?

Does he like the sex you have? How many times a week would he like it?

Does he like it when you masturbate him?

Does he like watching you masturbate?

What is his favorite sexual activity?

What does he like about your body; your breasts, your vulva?

What pet name does he have for your vulva and breasts?

Does he like the smell and taste of your body of your body where ever he places his face?

What is his favorite sexual memory of you?

Which are his favorite panties and why?

Does he like stockings?

What is his favorite place to rest his hand on your body?

How many of those answers do you know?

You should know them all, and he should know them about you if you have been married over 3 to 5 years.

This is the place to start when seeking contentment in your sex life. What are the two of you currently happy with and excited by. You both need to begin by knowing you have sexual value to one another. First count your blessings. Then when you are ready to talk change, you are starting from a place of seeking to give greater pleasure to one another and not just seeming to want to improve you own sexual lot.

Pray for guidance and wisdom. This community (Dan’s blog) can can offer our advice and opinions based on our own trials and experience, but we do not know your hearts as God does. When you have prayed, listen for the knowledge God has concerning your hearts. That may be where the change begins, and not in the bedroom, but that change in heart will encourage change the bedroom.”

Book recommendations from Dan:

book1

book2

As you are married for longer amounts of time, Dan mentions that you may have to go back through a set of questions like these – rediscover each other’s needs and wants – since over time and through familiarity, they may have changed.  The goal is for total communication and being on the same page when it comes to sex in marriage.

You want to be having the best sex possible in your marriage right?

Go for it!

Lover Above “Mother” – Putting Your Husband First

We all fall in love when we decide to get married – we’re not in those days where marriages were arranged (at least, in the U.S.) – we typically fall in love naturally, and marry the person we are head-over-heels for.  But once the months of preparation for the wedding have transpired, the blissful honeymoon hours have faded, and the actual marriage has gotten under-way, the couple usually realizes that it takes work to keep up a good relationship.  Most couples seem to navigate this establishing of their unique couplehood well.

When children come along – all bets are off!

Us women typically become cranky and argumentative, with a sexual desire that can be as cold as Antarctica – we take our silly complaints to social media sites like facebook to let the world our friends list know that WE ARE TIRED OF IT!  The irony of complaining about the very people you love the most (your husband and your children)!

The problem is… once children come, marriage just gets complicated.  When do you find time to communicate?  Most couples aren’t very good at first, at finding and making time for good,deep communication to happen.  Most of generation X still hasn’t completely embraced what Gen Y has accepted as truth; that marriages need regular date nights, flirting & teasing to keep the passion and romantic fires fanned.

Your role as a lover to your husband came before your role as a mother, and its still just as important for the life-blood of your marriage.

The issue of whether your husband or your children should be put “first” in your life is definitely a heated one.  Of course, everyone has different opinions, but I truly do believe that a family works best when the husband and wife both put each other first, and then the children come second.  You need to have a solid marriage where both of your needs in the relationship are met in order to care properly for your children.  When this is out of balance, husbands and wives start feeling neglected by each other, and as though their needs don’t matter.

Women are experts at getting out of balance, once children come along, not only are we extra (horrendously) tired, but we place our position of Mother above our role as Lover.  When a woman neglects her husband and puts her children first (and him second) the marriage starts to get out of whack… it starts deteriorating.

This can be shown in things like allowing your children’s extra curricular activities to run the family schedule into overdrive, to minor issues such as making sure you have enough time allotted in your week to communicate (uninterrupted by little ones). Some marriage counselors say up to 15 hours per week should be reserved for this couple alone time.  (Side note: our marriage doesn’t meet that time suggestion of 15 hours of alone time, but we do make a very deliberate effort to put our marriage first, to find the time that we need for intimacy and communication).

Once you’ve chosen your man, he is the natural, God-given leader of your family – to allow your children to make decisions (or to make decisions based on a false-guilt felt towards your children) instead of coming together and as a team discussing what’s best for all, is to disrespect your husband in his place of authority that God has given him, and your marriage.

Let’s be women who honor our husbands by not forgetting that we are his lover, his passionate partner in this beautiful, crazy, hilarious thing called life.

Single Women: Have Character

A repair man named Daniel came over yesterday to fix our sink and electrical mysteries at our house.  Just a few weeks ago, he had brought us a new stove as our old one had gone out finally… that and our landlord really likes us.  It’s great having a repair guy you trust and can have a lengthy conversation with, I always come away feeling like I’ve learned or been reminded of another important life lesson.

Daniel is in his 50’s and is recently divorced from his wife of 21 years.  The day after Christmas (after he spent around $4,000 on new kitchen appliances for her gifts), she told him she was leaving.  Their entire marriage they’d had problems, they weren’t Christian, and for 19 of the 21 years he said she constantly rejected him.  He said all these years he never really saw her for what she was… he loved her, spoiled her (buying her new cars), and was the romantic type of guy that would actually write love letters to her, which she would take to work and throw on a desk for her women coworkers to read and make fun of him (he walked in on this scene one day while he was bringing her flowers).

Can you believe it?

When their kids were grown, he wanted to work on their getting out of debt so that they could travel the states in an RV or go on long vacations… he had it worked out that it would only take a year to get 90% out of debt.  His wife liked the idea at first, but then decided that she couldn’t live within their means and went as far to tell him that she couldn’t live with him managing their money responsibly – she wanted to have her expensive lifestyle, even if that meant going into debt.

He’s doing better now, happy even, and seeing a beautiful woman a little older than me….  What amazes me is that he stayed under his wife’s spell thinking she was wonderful, when for so many years she really treated him horribly.  Only in retrospect was he able to see it.  Men in the Manosphere (internet collection of men who blog on these issues) call this having “Wife Goggles,” where one thinks their wife is perfect, no matter how ugly she is on the inside.

He told me that women like me, and like the one he’s currently seeing, are beyond attractive, why?  For one thing, he can tell they love their children – he’s been over twice now during dinner and watched me with my son at one of my favorite times of the evening – the time we get to eat!  His wife never cared about her children in a very deep way – he said he only realized this after the divorce was in procedure and his grown children told him how they really felt about their mother and their childhood.  She resented having children, she treated them more like an obligation rather than the treasures they are.  She never got down on the floor and painted with them, never gave them the kind of attention he said he sees me give my son.  He told me he realized it was selfishness, she was always thinking of herself instead of the people she should’ve been loving around her.

Seeing a woman with character is beyond attractive to men.  You might say this only applies to men like him – older, who have had a bad one to recognize a good one – but that isn’t completely true.  My husband’s main attraction to me when he was only 21, was that I was open with him, kind-hearted to everyone, yet also had beauty – he constantly told me that those things altogether are extremely rare to find.  He was alluding to the belief that a beautiful woman is usually spoiled rotten, and in no way going to be a loving, caring, unselfish partner and wife… I’ve always thought this was false, but maybe I was wrong.  There are so many men in his age-range and even below that are going through his very same circumstance of suddenly finding themselves single, with their wife-goggles in the trash can.

I wished him well and thanked him for his wonderful words and insight.  It really is great to have an awesome repair man.

Last words: it really is a beautiful thing, that no matter what you’re like right now, you can work to have character.  Character is a choice… and it’s wonderful that it’s never too late to change – for yourself and for others.  Single women, have character, be that wonderful woman that makes her family and husband SO GLAD they have her.

22 The Holy Spirit produces a different kind of fruit: unconditional love, joy, peace, patience, kindheartedness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. You won’t find any law opposed to fruit like this.”

 

Quote from the Bible, Galations 5:22-23, The Voice translation

When a Little Weight Goes a Long Way: Can Body Image Issues Ruin My Marriage?

“She hates it when i look at her while she is naked, or nearly so.  I cannot help it, I love to see her like that.  The thing is that she is not comfortable with her body, she did gain weight during this pregnancy; and she always has a hard time taking/keeping weight off.  I don’t care about that, I will love her; I made that commitment 7 years ago.  She still makes me want her, and I wonder if she feels the same.  Does anyone know how to ask a significant other if they still find you attractive? If so, please inform me. Seriously.”  (A Worm’s Life, blogger)

This post is about body image issues… I think I can say that every woman, to some degree, probably has a touch of it, and has to work to overcome it, but it can be especially bad after having a baby – to the point where it interferes with intimacy.  When we gain all that weight during pregnancy, we don’t feel attractive; and when it’s hard or slow-coming to get that weight off, it can mess with our minds and ruin our confidence in the bedroom.

Your husband doesn’t care, he thinks you look amazing.

Let that sink in for a little while.

Unless you’ve let yourself go and don’t care about your looks or how much you gain, your husband isn’t going to have a problem with a little extra weight.  It’s all in our minds that it makes us unattractive.

“I don’t care about that, I will love her.”

“She still makes me want her.”

And about wanting to see her naked, “I cannot help it, I love to see her like that.”

This is honestly what nearly every husband is thinking when their wives have body image issues.  He loves her, he doesn’t care that she has extra baby weight – only that it prevents her from sharing her body with him.

Men need to see their wives naked – they relish it, and often replay it several times during the day when they’re bored. 

You are your husband’s only sexual outlet, that’s too big of a responsibility to let self-consciousness get in the way!

Some ideas for having a better body image:

  • Workout at least a few times a week – studies have proven that if you are exercising regularly, you are going to be much happier about your body, even if the changes aren’t visible yet, you’ll feel better & stronger & healthier
  • Stand naked in front of a mirror and thank God for all the positive things about yourself – everything that you consider beautiful or attractive, body parts and personality traits – realize His amazing love for you, and don’t let yourself think any negative thoughts- thank God for the struggle with body image, there’s something powerful in thanking Him for things that bother us, we accept it as a way to change to grow