Is Marriage Really “Ugly?”

MARRIAGE IS NOT BEAUTIFUL

Image result for marriage fight

“Marriage is ugly. You will spend the rest of your life seeing the absolute best and worst in someone. You will see them when they are mad, sad, stubborn, and so unlovable that they make you want to scream. You will witness parts of them no one will ever see but you. They will ignite all sorts of emotions that include anger, weeping, laughter and joy.

Marriage isn’t a beautiful thing, but it is amazing. It is knowing that someone loves you and won’t leave you even when you are being nasty. It is having someone who’s got your back no matter what. It is fighting over stupid things, falling asleep in each others arms, and feeling like there will never be enough time to spend together.

Marriage is the dirtiest, hardest, most rewarding job there is because at the end of the day you get to crawl into bed with your best friend, the weirdest, most annoying, loving, goofy, perfect person that you will ever know.

Marriage is not beautiful but it is quite an adventure!”

 

***

I came across this online today, and kind of went “Huh?”

I get it that marriage has difficult moments because both the husband and wife are human (and sinners) and we just kind of have a human knack for selfishness… BUT it shouldn’t always feel ugly or be this way.

I know I’ve gotten criticized for being an envy inciter for posting happy pictures or talking about how good marriage can be, but perhaps it’s my optimism that helps me focus on the positives.  I would just never call marriage “ugly.”

To me, it really is beautiful.  Yes, even with the misunderstandings, or when dealing with an imperfect human… when you talk it out together, forgive each other and choose move on, it does feel beautiful.  Misunderstandings and working through problems can actually bring couples closer when they do it peacefully and keep the end goal in mind (of staying close together in oneness).

But I guess that would mean women need to take responsibility for their bad behavior in a marriage (or should I call it toxic femininity LOL?).

There are many behaviors that could make a woman (or a man) feel like marriage is indeed, ugly.  Especially their own marriage if these behaviors are present.

We really shouldn’t just allow ourselves as women to be “nasty,” toward our husbands.  That should be obvious.  And we shouldn’t allow ourselves to pick fights over “stupid” things.  There’s wisdom in bringing topics up in a peaceful way, or in choosing one’s battles.  Having a peaceful and loving attitude does wonders for maintaining a happy marriage.  This means you shouldn’t be so uptight with your husband that you make everything a fight.

I’m not saying that a wife will be able to never have moments of acting sinful toward her husband (“nasty” or fighting over stupid things), but when it does happen, there should be true repentance.  Letting your husband know you will try to not act like that again is also helpful in him forgiving you.  I do believe that with the fruits of the Holy Spirit at work in a Christian woman’s life, a woman doesn’t have to fall into repeat patterns of “nastiness.”  Even a bad case of PMS shouldn’t make a woman feel the “freedom,” to lash out at her husband.  Because lashing out shouldn’t be a freedom.  And no, marriage shouldn’t be ugly.  

An adventure?  Yes, and I’d like to say it’s a good one to be on.

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Single Women – Men Love to See You Being a Woman!

A commenter, Just Saying, wrote a passing thought on a young woman he’s seeing that decided to play the “Domestic goddess” for him last week.  Her act of playing the role of his Domestic goddess inspired him to “show a side he hasn’t shown in a while.”  🙂  This reminded me of a passage and topic in a very old book, called The Fascinating Girl, a book written by Helen B. Andelin back in 1969 that still has some great pieces of timeless wisdom for how to be fascinating to men.  It is great for pre-teen to teenage girls or single women to give them insight into what men want, and what they love to see in a woman their looking to marry.

Even though I’m sure many women would feel some of the advice is outdated (and some of it is), the bulk of the book is filled with treasures of the male mind that help us women understand what makes men want to show devotion to us. What makes men want to romance us.

I actually read this book growing up, my mother passed it down to me (it had been hers when she was looking for a husband), and I felt it prepared me well to become a loving, tender, and even sexy wife to my husband. Although that first year in our marriage had it’s ups and downs we had to work through, the basic education I had in understanding men helped immensely to fix our problems (most of them had to do with me disrespecting him or outright nagging/acting unfeminine with him).  We were able to create a beautiful marriage much quicker than normal, in large part because I was already open to believing what my husband wanted from me.  I meet his needs and in return feel his protection, love, and sweet feelings of being adored by him that stems in large part from how I make it a point to treat him as best as I can, just because I love him!  Throughout our 8 years of being married, I’ve frequently returned to this book for ideas to bless him with or in order to remind myself of attitudes I would like to recultivate in myself when I’ve slipped into bad habits.

But let’s get to the topic of Men loving to see you enjoying being a woman….  First,

Why do men love to see a woman being a “Domestic Goddess?”

***

Men love to feel like a man. I know in our culture rampant with male-bashing, jokes about men being or acting stupid, or even music videos humiliating men in their breakups with girlfriends, even my daring to say that men love to feel like a man is huge deal.

But it’s true.  And when a woman is acting and enjoying being a woman, she allows him to feel more manly – something a healthy man loves to feel and desires to feel when around a female.  God created men to love being masculine – this doesn’t mean that they can’t have a host of hobbies that may not be “oh so manly” – many men love the arts (cooking, singing, music, acting, painting, dancing, etc.) and are gifted in them, and yet loving a certain hobby doesn’t mean they have to forgo their masculinity.  God still created men to be, and think, and feel like men.

In being a domestic goddess, I’m not talking about being a perfectionist, uptight, constantly riddled with anxiety over the condition of her house kind of woman, but rather a calm, loving, at-ease woman that simply enjoys the little tasks of keeping her space neat, or making a basic meal, and relishes being good at some of these things.

In The Fascinating Girl, becoming a Domestic Goddess is super easy… just 3 basic steps and you’re covered:

  1. Do your tasks well.
  2. Add some feminine touches.
  3. Be happy in your domestic duties.

When a woman resents cleaning, resents cooking, resents having to do chores around the house, she slips into an unattractive attitude of victim mentality and complains or groans about having to do these things.  Not only is it not good for her personal growth (everyone has to learn how to clean at some point in their life hopefully), but it’s bad for her spiritual growth to be giving in to feeling resentment, which over time may create bitterness – something that is especially unattractive in a woman.  When she gets married, she’ll be in danger of making her entire family miserable whenever it’s time to clean/cook/do chores, because she won’t be able to get past her hatred of it.

Seeing a woman relish being a domestic goddess, even if she isn’t particularly good at something, but gives it her best tries, inspires a man to feel an adorable love for her.  It’s mysterious and so sweet!

Men understand at some level that a woman who enjoys being a domestic goddess is someone who doesn’t mind spending her precious time giving others the gift of showing hospitality, or of a home-cooked meal, or baked goods.  Even when a married woman takes the time to clean or organize her house, she is sending a message to her husband and children that they matter, that she cares about their feelings, that she cares about their need for a well organized, relatively clean home.  It’s showing her family that she loves them enough to take care of the space they have to live in.

Seeing a woman enjoying loving others, enjoying her life and even trying to find enjoyment in the mundane tasks of chores, cooking, or cleaning, sends the message to a man that she enjoys being feminine.

Andelin’s 3 tips for how to find joy in your tasks:

  1. Proper attitude towards drudgery
  2. Allow time to enjoy homemaking
  3. Do your jobs well.

She goes on to say that if you’re single, you obviously have more important things to tend to in your life – like college or even working, but at least knowing these helping tips, at least understanding how great an impact they make on your future family, will help you if you get married.

We as women give men a gift when we allow ourselves to enjoy feeling feminine, it makes them in turn feel more manly.  And that usually inspires men to feel more drawn to us, more enchanted with us, and more deeper in intimacy with us.  

If you’re a single woman,

and are wondering what it is

men deeply want and crave,

you’re in the right place.

***

But if a woman is acting like a man, making crude jokes, acting like one of the boys, competing with him in his areas of interest and trying to beat him, or trying to be in charge of their relationship, she is emasculating him, and making him actually feel horrible when around her.

An unfeminine woman sends a strong message to a man – one that says boldly:  There’s nothing here for you, I don’t need or want your masculinity.

Obviously, if you’re in the dating realm and wanting to snag a cute, sexy man… this is the LAST THING you want to be sending out as a message to men!

So enjoy being a woman – enjoy playing the role of a domestic goddess, but don’t let it stop there… men love to see that you have interests beyond mundane household chores.  

In fact, men find women who solely find their fulfillment in being “overly domestic” boring and unattractive.  

Men actually love to find a woman who is interested in the latest topics, good books, someone to have fun with (bolded emphasis mine):

Remember that although the idea of the Domestic Goddess is essential to our picture of the ideal woman, a man wants more than a homemaker.  He wants a playmate and an intellectual companion.  He also wants her to have a broad interest in life and all that is in it – its many problems, its many faces and its wondrous beauty.  …

The ideal woman needs to be a part of the world outside the home, needs to feel a certain debt to society – a sense of social responsibility. If she stays too close in her own little world she tends to become selfish and narrow.  If her time and energies are consumed with her children, her house and her husband, without a thought for the world beyond, she will not only be uninteresting but unhappy.  Her real happiness lies in her fulfillment as a wife, mother and homemaker, but giving beyond this – stretching forth her hand to those in need – enriches her life.

 

(Quotes taken from The Fascinating Girl, by Helen B. Andelin, 1969)

My Husband Isn’t Being Romantic Enough

I was asked to respond to a woman’s anonymous comment on the site Biblical Gender Roles.  The full post is here, and below is the woman’s situation in her own words in italics, along with my responses in normal text.

The Undated Wife

“I have read many of the posts on your site and I agree with some things you say. I agree that women should not deny sex to their husbands and I do not deny sex to my husband, although there are many times I don’t feel like having sex with him.

But I think you miss the fact that women have an equal right to be dated by their husbands. Why do men think that dating is just before marriage? Why do men stop dating their wives after they get married?

While it is very nice and definitely helps to keep the romance alive in the relationship to continue going out on “dates” while married, there is absolutely no where in the Bible where women are guaranteed that kind of romantic situation.  Even throughout history, married couples needed to focus more on working well together, each carrying their own load, rather than on romance in the marriage.  I’m not trying to be overly harsh, but this reeks of a selfish attitude saying that women have “an equal right to be dated by their husbands.”  I’ve never seen or heard that line before, it is not biblical like the partners’ right to sex is.  The Bible clearly states that neither partner should deny sex to the other, unless it is mutually decided on (consensual) and for only a short period of time; however, no where will you find the Bible outlining that couples should not deny each other romance or regular dates.

So this statement you believe is true, that women have some kind of right to be taken out on dates that is equal to the right of having sex in a marriage is biblically false and has no foundation.  It is great if your husband would date you once a week, take you out several times a year on couples’ get-aways, or being able to finance family vacations once or twice a year.  These are privileges that are based on your husband’s being able to afford them financially and time-wise, though, not considered rights that you can use to berate him with.

Let me give you a little bit of background to my situation. I married my husband about 8 years ago, we were both divorced. I had no children from my previous marriage (I am unable to have children). He had three kids from a previous marriage that he has joint custody of. Now they are all teenagers. I love his kids and they love me.

We’ve been married 8 years as well, so I like that I can at least relate to having spent the same time in our marriages.  To give you a little background about me, my husband and I got married very young – I was 20, about to turn 21, and he was 22.  We were not your standard early 20 year olds, however, we (especially he) were a little bit more mature.  I’m so glad that you have been able to create the kind of relationship with his kids so that they love you!  With blended families where there are stepchildren, that is so crucial to a happy home life.

I am a stay at home wife.

Me, too, for now.

My husband says he loves me. He is a good provider. He is a good father to our children. But he works all the time. Even when he comes home from the office, he takes his laptop out many times and continues to read and answer emails all evening long. The only time he seems to carve out anytime is when his kids come to our house. Then he spends time with them. In fact sometimes I feel like the minute his kids arrive I am not even there.

Try not to go into victim mode/victim mentality here and give in to the selfish attitude of throwing yourself a pity party.  Let’s count your blessings so that we can stay in perspective: you have a husband who sounds like a good, decent man when many other women in this world are lonely.  I actually know many women right now in my own sphere that are single and would kill to be in your position with a husband to love and do life with, and children to bless and to mother.  Another blessing is that your husband is a “good provider,” what a praise to have this in a world of men who are rejecting women and marriage altogether!  You have a man that is willing to bust his ass for you, who is driven and motivated!  We as women tend to feel sorry for ourselves whenever anything big or small tends to throw off our plans or expectations of how things should go.  Think of the women of the past, they truly had it tough, and they were never guaranteed going out once a week on romantic dates – that would have been entirely foreign to them and they would think of us as wimps!  They would never have complained or nagged or whined about feeling neglected because their husbands didn’t take them out for dates.

The women of the past, however, didn’t have our modern day female sense of entitlement.  When they entered a marriage, they entered it understanding that they were going to have to work within it – both physically but also emotionally in order to keep a good healthy marriage.  They had the mentality of “what am I willing to do and what do I bring to a marriage,” whereas we all too often have the attitude of, “what’s in it for me?” and “What will I get out of this arrangement?”  The women of the past that made happy marriages were keen on keeping things in perspective.  If they had a good man for a husband, children to love (even if they were his from another marriage), a roof over their heads, and food on their table, they were content.  I remember reading and studying old letters and article clippings of the Victorian age where wives wrote in to describe their individual marriages.  The happy wives didn’t put all the romance responsibility onto their husbands, but the unhappy ones wrote pieces like your comment to BiblicalGenderRoles, only focusing on how unhappy they were because he was lacking in some way.  Many had to get creative and romance their husbands indoors (romantic evenings by the fire, with a cup of tea, snuggled together, and always always the happy ones wrote about keeping their sex lives alive).  At least you can be comforted that even back then, a marriage’s happiness strongly correlated with the wife’s ability to be optimistic and make the most of things, or throw herself a pity party focusing on her husband’s flaws and how hard she has it.

A word about your husband spending all his time with his children:

If he doesn’t have full custody of his children, then it is crucial to spend all the time he can with them when he does have them.  They are “all teenagers” as you said, so their time out of the house is coming very soon, you will be able to have him all to yourself as empty nesters in about 5 years more than likely.  But yes, he created them before you, and they are his priority number one until they turn 18.  You are not.  I’m sorry if this is hard for you to hear, many step-moms don’t understand a father’s responsibility and duty to his kids and become resentful that he feels more obligated to them than to her.  It simply is the way it is, you chose a man who had children before you.

There are times when he realizes he has not been paying enough attention to me and purposefully does not take out his laptop. We just sit and talk or watch some TV together. But I have told him I feel he needs to make more of an effort to date me. He needs to take me out to dinner more, he needs to take me to the movies. He should be taking me on weekend getaways several times a year like he did many years ago. He has turned into a “homebody” – he is fine with just being home with me and the kids.

This is great that he is willing to admit that he’s not spending enough quality time with you, but instead of waiting for him to feel guilty (and you feeling neglected), why don’t you have a sit down talk at a convenient time where you let him know that instead of him having to feel guilty about it, and instead of you feel resentful or nagging him, that you both can instead work to create a schedule where time spent together alone is written in on a calendar or marked somewhere you two can remember.  This can be very simple – don’t overcomplicate it!  Just simply write in on the calendar twice a week where you two spend at least 1 hour together focusing on the relationship and on each other.  Simple. Easy. Done!

Dates for us have never had to be going out somewhere to do something, they can even be taking a walk together around the neighborhood, going for a run together (working out together is one of my favorite quality times with my hubby), watching a movie on the couch together, making a special dinner together, or just talking one on one about deep issues we’re interested in.

I said he is a good provider and good father. I don’t feel he is a good husband to me. I always feel like his kids and his job come first, and I am always last on his “to do list”. Sure when I say something to him about feeling neglected – he will try for a while to talk with me more, and he might even take me out once in a great while. But I want more! Don’t I deserve to be his number priority? Why do I always have to feel like I am second to his job or the kids?

A good husband cares about you and your needs, this man sounds like he cares and is willing to take your feelings into account.  Be grateful for this!  There are women who are actually married to bad husbands – men who truly don’t care about meeting their needs, don’t care about their feelings, etc.  Your husband, by your account of him, sounds very good to me.  Be careful about constantly giving him an F on his report card, when other women would look at your life and at him, and give him an A.  That is how good men go astray, when they’re honestly trying, honestly caring, and doing the best they know how, but their wife for some reason wants to focus on something minor (like date nights) and ruin the entire marriage over it by saying he’s a “bad husband” to her.

Goodness woman, he is a good husband.  Be thankful for him, be thankful for his being attune to your feelings and needs.  Just simply help him to meet them by doing what I stated before – scheduling in 2x per week some alone time and romance so that you can feel loved.  Do not be a martyr by trying to say he should be the one being romantic, remember and think on the women of the past and how they had to deal with a lot more – physically, mentally and emotionally stressful situations that don’t even compare to the frivolity that we enjoy now.

I got him to go to counseling with our Pastor whom he respects. Our pastor told him he needed to date me, he needed to take me out once a week. He need to take me on a weekend getaway at least twice a year. My husband MAYBE might take me out once a month on date. He has not taken me on a weekend getaway in a year and half. He says we don’t have enough money for trips right now and I just have to be patient (we had to cancel our family vacation this summer because of finances). He tells me things will get better financially in a couple years after we pay off the debt. A couple years!!!!! If something is important to you – you make it happen. But again I am not as important to him as his job or his kids. God says a wife is to be her husband’s number one priority right? That means I come before everything – his kids, his job.

Oh my… bringing in the Pastor who he respects to tell him to “man up” and do something that’s not even biblically mandated is a bit much in my opinion.  And telling him he needs to take you on a weekend get-away at least 2x per year… this just reeks of self-entitlement.  Now let’s get into the part where you start complaining about what he hasn’t done for you:

My husband MAYBE might take me out once a month on date.

That’s like us… we would love to do it once a week, but we’ve never been able to plan it well enough with a babysitter to get that kind of experience.  Sometimes we’ve even gone months without a date night, in fact, our last date night (before our vacation last week) was in April or May!!!  I make sure that we spend enough alone time and have enough romance though, so that I don’t feel neglected. I don’t whine about not having a monthly date night (even though we mean to), I don’t make him feel like a bad husband for it, and I don’t put extra stress or pressure on him when I know I can get my relational and emotional needs met by simply making sure it happens instead of playing the martyr and expecting him to be perfect.

My husband has an incredibly stressful job – and yes, it is a job where he does not get to spend as much time with me as I would prefer, but as his wife, it is my duty and responsibility to make sure our home life runs well, that our children are doing great, that everything is going smoothly.  I’m also responsible for my own happiness.  He is not responsible for that, and he is not a bad husband even though he doesn’t have the time to make a date night every month or would never remember on his own, to schedule needed romantic time or alone time together.  That’s just being a man 🙂  sometimes men need help meeting their wife’s needs, there’s nothing wrong with you pleasantly and sweetly reminding him that you love spending time with him and being romantic – that you need this to feel secure in the marriage.

He has not taken me on a weekend getaway in a year and half.

I haven’t been on a weekend getaway with my hubby in 3 years now.  It was a beautiful experience, and yes, I’d love to be able to do it even once a year (let alone the twice you’re complaining your husband isn’t providing for you), but financially, we’ve never before been able to handle that.  You marriage and his quality as a husband should not depend on whether or not he is dating you regularly, or is able to take you on weekend get-aways twice a year.  Again, it is simply selfish entitlement.

He says we don’t have enough money for trips right now and I just have to be patient (we had to cancel our family vacation this summer because of finances). He tells me things will get better financially in a couple years after we pay off the debt. A couple years!!!!! If something is important to you – you make it happen. But again I am not as important to him as his job or his kids. God says a wife is to be her husband’s number one priority right?

Aye, woman!  Can you hear yourself and how selfish you sound?  Again, think of the women of the past, how they understood that when they entered into a marriage, that they focused on what they could bring to it.  We have never been able to afford a family vacation in 8 years… this is our first one ever that we had a week ago, and it was truly wonderful.  But all these years, I never dared made my husband feel less than because of his not being able to afford one, I can’t imagine how that would have crushed his ego and self-esteem, making him feel like a failure.  My husband was busting his ass all these years ensuring we were staying afloat – we’ve both put each other through school or training – taking turns supporting each other and working for the benefit of the marriage.  Did it suck that we couldn’t afford weekend get-aways twice a year, or family vacations (ever)?  Yes, but we never complained to each other about it – if we ever did lament the fact, it was not in a way of blaming each other for it.

I hope you can see that this is a problem that you have, an underlying heart issue of not focusing on your blessings and not working to create the kind of marriage YOU desire (the romance).  You have a problem of being selfish here, even dragging your husband to a Pastor so that he can feel spiritually mandated to cater to your extreme self-entitlement issues.

Be joyful that your husband takes debt seriously!  Be joyful that he is working on a plan to get rid of any debt that ya’ll have!  Be joyful that you’ll be able to get out of it “in a couple of years!”  These are all things to praise God for and reallign your attitude about!

I read your post on how a man is to know his wife – I almost cried when I read it because I want that from my husband. I want to feel like his number one priority.

Then romance him.  Set aside time 2x per week to romance him purposefully, create the life you want, the romantic marriage you desire with him.  Don’t play the martyr, crying about how things aren’t meeting your expectations and falling into your lap.  Make the best of what you have, and be thankful for your blessings.

I just feel like all I am here for is to do his and his kids laundry, cook for them and drive them places, and of course have sex with him.

I feel more like a maid and a sex slave than his wife!

With all the news coming out about the Yazidi women, I think you seriously need to read and watch some of the videos about what it is truly like to be a real sex slave.  Again, this is playing the martyr, it’s not healthy for you, its not healthy for your marriage, it’s not helping your husband, and it’s not creating the kind of environment you want for your kids to be in.

Can you maybe write a post about husbands loving their wives before everything else? Can you write about how God wants men to date their wives? Isn’t that what loving your wife is? To date her, to make her feel like she is your number one priority?”

I hope this helped you to maybe think about your situation from a different perspective.  Again, it sounds like we are and have been, in much the same circumstance, and yet, I’ve chosen to respond completely opposite from how you have.

If you feel up to it, make a list of all the incredible blessings you have in your life, put it in a nice journal that you can keep on your nightstand.  Each night, I want you to open that journal and re-read your blessings, thanking God for giving you each and every one.  Each night, I want you to add 1 more blessing to your list, pray over your list every night.  Even (if you feel comfortable enough) ask your hubby to pray with you, let him listen to you thanking God for all that you’ve been given.

Blessings!

Advice For the Wife Who Doesn’t Love Her Husband Anymore

Many people get married for the wrong reasons… be it to get away from their parents, because they want to avoid being alone (aka: they’re not comfortable enough on their own as an adult so they want to codependently live with another), they are pregnant, or they are 29 and don’t want to be that single person still in their 30’s.

I’d say that women are more prone to marrying for the wrong reasons, but I’ve heard of many men doing it too.  Regardless, once a person is married, it’s my belief that they should do whatever they have to do to love that person that they chose, and to actively work together with them to embrace the life they’ve chosen.  And make it into the most beautiful life they can together.

This short clip from Dr. Laura’s old radio show touches all the key points of a wife, after 14 years of marriage, deciding that she never loved her husband to begin with, and that she just doesn’t have those feelings towards him of being sexually attracted or emotionally in love.

Nevermind they have 3 kids together… kids that depend upon their parent’s ability to love each other and make a marriage work.  She just “never loved him” to begin with.

How convenient.

For you singles in the dating market, beware of someone marrying you just because it’s the right thing to do.  Or because they’re afraid to be an old maid (they’re 29 about to hit 30 soon).  They are settling for you, and you will someday wake up next to them to find a wife that no longer wants sex with you, that tells you that they never did love you.

The Competitive Woman

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This… is a photo I snapped of an ad we found in our mailbox for an auto-place in our city.  At first glance, it just looks like they’re having fun, washing the car together, but unfortunately, it displays a whole lot more than that with body-language upon a closer look.

Who is in control?

The woman.  Let’s take a long look at the woman.  Really study her body language and features.  Is she more masculine than your average female?  This could be cute to me if she were more feminine looking, however, even her muscular structure looks more masculine than her husband’s.  In this photo, she is the aggressive one, the one not only in control, but looking like she needs to be in control (and enjoying it).  Look at the husband, really look.  Not only is he displayed as more feminine, he is subjugating himself to her supposedly playful attack.  I say supposedly because most men would not find themselves in his position (feeling over-powered by their masculine female partner) something that was “playful” for them, I think most men would not like to feel the feelings that his body language emits.  Powerless.  Wimpy.  The posture of his hands saying, “Please stop.”  He is under her dominion and out of his role as a strong, masculine, leader.  Instead of strong, he looks weak.  Instead of masculine, he looks strangely feminine here (and she looks unmistakably masculine).  Instead of him leading, he is allowing her to control the situation.

An attractive man of course would love water play with his wife, but I doubt this would be how it would play out for him.  He would probably find himself taking the hose from her and going after her with it.  A feminine woman that respected her man would playfully go after him for sure!  I’m not saying that the picture is in any way wrong for her having control of the hose, hear me out!  I tease my husband all the time, even yesterday at a playground with our sons I had a moment of playful teasing with him in front of everyone there.  My son and I decided we would try to hold down his arms on either side while he was taking a rest.  Was he emasculated like this man in the photo?  Not at all 😉  Quite the contrary… he laughed and flexed his arms inward, causing both of us to move closer as he did some quick move to tickle us both so that we screamed and jumped back from him!

We attacked his strength, but he remained in control all the while.  He didn’t beg for mercy, I wasn’t able to truly overpower him (he is much stronger, with more muscle mass than I’ll ever have).  It was the opposite of what is displayed in this photo.

I know it may seem strange to go into this depth of a simple mailbox ad, but as our culture becomes more and more anti-male/pro-woman, things like this ad – displaying a man counter to what you would expect, as well as the woman with her muscles and body-language over-powering his weak display, I find it a little offensive.  I’m not keen on living in a society where my boys will be told (or shown from every angle) that they exist to be a footstool to women who are power hungry and who think they are more masculine than them.  I’m not happy about being in a culture where masculinity is best displayed as a weak, mercy-pleading male.

It’s the opposite of how God intended men and women to be, a perversion of the sexes and their innate strengths and beauty.

Art of Seduction

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I’ve written before how important sex is to men.  How men need sex… how they crave quality sex versus quantity (though they don’t mind quantity).  Its just who they are, and how they were designed to be, and is why since the beginning of time it seems, we have always had the oldest sins around – adultery and prostitution.  These have always stayed with us, for very basic reasons that a wife would do well to understand.

This is not to say that women don’t also cheat on their husbands, apparently they seem to cheat just as much as men do – however, this post is for women to understand why their husbands may look at porn, have a fling, or a full fledged affair with another woman.  Most often, when men search for sexual fulfillment other than their wife, they are doing so because they are craving something very particular.

Admiration

Virtually all men crave a woman who admires him.  A woman who will listen to him when he’s talking about something he finds interesting, or when he’s giving his opinion.  They want a woman who will be interested and fascinated with what he says – yes, I said fascinated.  It turns them on to be in the presence of a hot woman (his wife) who is also giving him her entire attention and the right kind of feedback that says, “You are such an interesting man!  Omg I want you!  Now!!!”

When was the last time you reacted to your husband like that?  I know… us wives are ridiculously tired, over-achieving, too much to do, have kids hanging off our legs at any moment when we’re at home (or out… at the store trying to deal with a meltdown).  I understand, I’m a wife and mother of two now.  But guess what?  Your husband craves this kind of thing, and if this need is met by you, he will move mountains to ensure your happiness.

In our marriage, I’ve made sure to keep this aspect of our romance alive – its just how we’ve always been and I’m not “pretending” to be interested at all, its just second nature to me with him.  Its affects on my husband have made friends jealous of how he treats me, because I play more the role of a lover, he plays more the role of a man who showers his lover with gifts and attention & romance.  He brings me my favorite strawberry filled donut for no reason other than he thought of me at the store when he saw it.  He, on the regular, buys me chocolate just because.  He flirts and teases me like he did when I was 19… and I’m almost 29!  We have the kind of relationship that others envy because I’ve chosen to be a different kind of wife.  (do you hear that? I chose… any wife can make that choice) My role of being his seductive, passionate lover, in essence, strategically segued him into playing his role of being my favorite (and only) “client.”

Respect

How many men crave respect?  All of them.  They want to be known as the leader of their house, they want their wives to defer to them for decisions – but they want their wives to genuinely do it out of the feeling of respect, not just half-heartedly ask their husbands what they think, but to let them know that they are expressly interested in their husband’s response because of who he is.

They want a woman who looks up to them – who doesn’t try to outshine them or put them down – but who greatly esteems them and their opinions on matters (this ties in directly with Admiration).  They don’t want a wife who will constantly argue and bicker with them over decisions and details, or one who challenges them and their headship constantly.

A woman who respects a man, treats him like a man… not like a child that has to be reminded or told what to do, but as a man who is capable.  She believes in him and that he will do the right thing, and he feels it and can’t help himself to fulfill it for her (because he so wants to be perceived that way).

Desire

Husbands want a wife who genuinely desires him.  A woman who does, treats foreplay differently.  She kisses his neck, runs her nails across his chest or down his bare back, she doesn’t just lie there and expect him to give her all the foreplay pleasure… she takes initiative to give it to him as well which draws out his response.

She takes the sexual experience to a whole new level with how passionately involved she is in (and out) of bed.  Desire is so intense (when you really feel it) that it can almost be tasted in the air.  Men crave a woman who shows them this.

Addicted

Men want a woman who feels addicted to them, or who gives them the impression that they are.

A woman who has fun during sex, abandons her inhibitions and isn’t afraid to vocalize anything she’s feeling, thinking, or desiring, is why prostitution (and porn even) are such big addictions for men.  Not only do the women usually look hot, the attitude they have seduces a man.  They crave the attitude a woman has when she is addicted to a man – the attitude their wife may have had when their relationship was just starting out and redhot.

Deeper!”  “OMG you’re so big!” or screaming out during sex lets him know she’s addicted to him.  Husbands crave this from their wives.  They want to feel desired and like the woman is utterly and completely addicted to him, and only him.

If a woman has accomplished all these so far, you can be sure he is starting to get addicted to her as well.  Men get addicted to this kind of sex and woman, it is why viewing porn acts like a drug in the brain.  Virtually all men even if they have a porn addiction, would rather be addicted to a real, flesh and blood woman.  All the more reasons for wives to take note!

Recipe for Disaster

So… like I’ve stated before, these are all basic emotions and feelings that lead to men turning to porn, having minor flings, or full-fledged affairs with other women.  Men are seduced not just because of woman’s body, but because of her mind and the way she uses the Art of Seduction.  If a man is lacking these basic needs in their marriage relationship, I would go as far as to say they are “starving” in these areas.  If a man feels starved, it won’t take much to tempt him to take a bite… I’ve seen homeless men pull half-eaten food out of trash cans!  They are that hungry that they’ll eat something rotting, old, germy, and disgusting… all because they are starving.  If he’s full and having all these desires met, there is no need and no desire (at all) to take a bite of something less than ideal.

You, dear wife, are ideal.  He wants you.

Inspiration – Night Escape

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Last night we managed to escape 😉  Date nights are adventure nights for us – we go new places sometimes, or revisit our favorites, it’s always spontaneous and we usually never know quite what we’ll end up doing until we find it.

Its fun to get dressed up sexy, I wore my go-to little black dress, naturally tousled hair, and black couture boots with heels.

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In one of our old haunts, we found a new little fascinating place, Rio de Gelato, new for the area at least.  The owner and his wife and son run their family business, making everything authentically Italian and handmade.  The pizzas looked incredible, but since we’d already snagged some pizza at home before we left, we tried their delicious gelato.  The Italian owner was so sweet & interesting, he talked us through the art of making Gelato – and yes, it is an art!

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Adorable Thoughts From Husbands – What Does He Really Think?

I love men.  I just love the way they think….  I love women too, I love how close women can be with each other – I love how they can cry together in a public place, and no one really cares, because… we’re women!  I don’t think you’d ever see a group of men huddled around each other crying and hugging *laughs* it’s just unique to women. 

But I love how men are so often straight-forward, it’s a quality that I truly admire and try to emulate in a feminine manner in myself by being honest and open.  I came across some hilarious things a man in a relationship is probably thinking from Jay Payleitner’s 52 Things Husbands Need From Their Wives, hope you enjoy them as much as I did!

 

We’re more like puppy dogs than you think.  We’ll follow you around hoping for a little attention.

Very often we wonder how we got so lucky.  How someone amazing like you married a guy like us.

When we buy flowers, it really is a big deal.  We don’t mind flowers, but we don’t see the value in them.  Flowers on a table, we typically don’t even notice.  So when we buy them, we are really doing a totally selfless act.

When we cook, it also is a big deal. At least we think it is.  If we flip some burgers, put a frozen pizza in the oven, or whip up some mac and cheese, we expect you to be eternally grateful.  Of course, it’s not really a big deal.  But you need to know that we think it is.

We also think it’s a big accomplishment when we load the dishwasher, vacuum a single room, or do a load of laundry.  “Look, dear, aren’t I awesome?”

We don’t get jealous if you point out how cute a movie star is.  He’s on a two-dimensional screen and we’re right next to you.  We win!

We really don’t know what to get you for your birthday, so drop lots of hints.  It’s really okay.

We like bacon.  Although that’s not really a secret, is it?

If you’re dragging us to a social event, as we enter go ahead and say, “You look good in that suit.”  We’ll enjoy the evening ever so much more.

We never ignore you intentionally.  You voice may have been loud enough to penetrate our inner ear, but it didn’t make it through to our cerebrum.  Whatever we were focusing on was not more important than you.  But I had our attention first, so we missed what you said.  IF it was important (and I’m sure it was), please repeat it without getting angry.

If we think it’s important, we can learn and change.  But positive reinforcement works tons better than negative consequences.

We’re not psychic.  You may have dropped ten thousand hints, but sometimes you need to come right out and tell us what you want.  Yes, we should have thought of it ourselves, but we didn’t.  Whatever it is, we want you to have it… that is, if you really want it.

When you say, “That’s fine,” we think you mean that something is okay.  We don’t know that when you say, “That’s fine,” you really mean it is not okay.  Just so you know.  Okay?

Even when we’re studying a spreadsheet, engrossed in the last seconds of a basketball game, pounding the keyboard on a deadline, or even on the phone with our biggest client, we love it when you come up behind us, wrap your arms around our shoulders, and nuzzle our neck.

 

The Incredible Power Women Have Over Men

A woman can have a unique and amazing ability to help her man achieve his dreams.  This might sound silly or too fairytale-like, but trust me, it is anything but silly.  It’s pretty serious.  If you’re a woman, and you’re reading this, you need to know that you have incredible power in the life of your husband (or any man for that matter).

This power truly does affect any man, which includes family members and even male friends.  A woman has the power to inspire, encourage, and believe in them.  She has the feminine power to awaken a man’s dreams, and then the tenacity to help him accomplish them by simply believing in him.

Too often, this power is abused in a relationship, women either fail to recognize and care to inspire their husband’s particular dreams and talents, or they use their femininity as a sexual weapon.  Women have lost the art of inspiration.  The feminist movement has told and taught women to compete with men; the problem is, if you’re competing with someone, it’s extremely hard to want them to do especially well.  A man doesn’t want to compete in that way, but he does want to be believed in.

I love the marriage of Nathaniel & Sophia Hawthorne.  A woman who believed in her husband’s writing.  It perfectly captures how a woman is supposed to believe in and inspire her husband, take a look at how their son, Julian Hawthorne, described his parent’s loving marriage:

“The life of a man happily married cannot fail to be influenced by the character and conduct of his wife.  Especially will this be the case when the man is of a highly organized and sensitive temperament, and most of all, perhaps, when his professional pursuits are sedentary, and imaginative rather than active and practical.

Nathaniel Hawthorne was particularly susceptible to influences of this kind; and all the available evidence goes to show that the most fortunate event of his life was, probably, his marriage with Sophia Peabody. 

To attempt to explain and describe his career without taking this event into consideration would, therefore, be like trying to imagine a sun without heat, or a day without a sun.  Nothing seems less likely than that he would have accomplished his work in literature independently of her sympathy and companionship.

Not that she afforded him any direct and literal assistance in the composition of his books and stories; her gifts were wholly unsuited to such employment, and no one apprehended more keenly than she the solitariness and uniqueness of his genius, insomuch that she would have deemed it something not far removed from profanation to have offered to advise or sway him in regard to his literary productions. 

She believed in his inspiration; and her office was to promote, so far as in her lay, the favorableness of the conditions under which it should manifest itself. 

As food and repose nourish and refresh the body, so did she refresh and nourish her husband’s mind and heart

Her feminine intuition corresponded to his masculine insight; she felt the truth that he saw; and his recognition of this pure faculty in her, and his reverence for it, endowed his perception with that tender humanity in which otherwise it might have been deficient

Her lofty and assured ideals kept him to a belief in the reality and veracity of his own.  In the warmth and light of such companionship as hers, he could not fall into the coldness and gloom of a selfish intellectual habit

She revived his confidence and courage by the touch of her gentle humor and cheerfulness; before her unshakable hopefulness and serenity, his constitutional tendency to ill-foreboding and discouragement vanished away

Nor was she of less value to him on the merely intellectual side.  Her mental faculties were finely balanced and of great capacity; her taste was by nature highly refined, and was rendered exquisitely so by cultivation. Her learning and accomplishments were rare and varied, and yet she was always childlike in her modesty and simplicity.  She read Latin, Greek, and Hebrew: she was familiar with history; and in drawing, painting, and sculpture she showed a loving talent not far removed from original genius. 

Thus she was able to meet at all points her husband’s meditative and theoretic needs with substantial and practical gratification. 

Awaking to her, he found in her the softened and humanized realization of his dreams.  In all this she acted less of defined purpose than unconsciously and instinctively, following the natural promptings of her heart as moulded and enlightened by her love. What she did was done so well, because she could not do otherwise. 

Her husband appreciated her, but she had no appreciation of herself.  She only felt what a privilege it was to love and minister to such a man, and to be loved by him.  For he was not, as so many men are, a merely passive and complacent absorber of all this devotion.  What she gave, he returned; she never touched him without a response; she never called to him without an echo.  He never became so familiar with her ministrations, unceasing though these were, as to accept them as a matter of course.  The springs of gratitude and recognition could not run dry in him; his wife always remained to him a sort of mystery of goodness and helpfulless

He protected her, championed her, and cherished her in all ways that a man may a woman; but, half playfully and all earnestly, he avouched her superiority over himself, and, in a certain class of questions relating to practical morality and domestic expediency, he always deferred to and availed himself of her judgment and counsel.”

As you can see, Sophia not only did her husband a wonderful service in being a capable, inspiring wife, she also inspired her son to greatness.  Julian Hawthorne went on to write several poems, novels, short stores, biographies and histories.

We do our men a great disservice when we as women don’t recognize and put into action the immense power we have in our femininity.

Nathaniel Hawthorne about Sophia:

We were never so happy as now—never such wide capacity for happiness, yet overflowing with all that the day and every moment brings to us.

Methinks this birth-day of our married life is like a cape, which we have now doubled and find a more infinite ocean of love stretching out before us.”[14

“She is the most sensible woman I ever knew in my life, much superior to me in general talent, and of fine cultivation.”

(excerpt from Julian Hawthorne’s Nathaniel Hawthorne and His Wife Vol 1, Chapter 2, Sophie Amelia Peabody)