Things I Want My Daughter to Know: You Will Have Deep Roots to Withstand Persecution

Image result for tree with deep roots

Strength and honor are her clothing,

and she can laugh at the time to come.”

Proverbs 31:25

I keep referring to the series I wrote on the Proverbs 31 woman a couple of years ago, because I just can’t get over the messages I discovered when creating the book for our family.  This verse in particular, just shows the incredible amount of boldness of faith this kind of attitude requires!

Its hard for me to put this topic into words, but I feel it’s necessary in encouraging not only my daughter and women of my own family, but all spiritual daughters and sisters doing a good work for God.  This kind of boldness of faith, this kind of staying focused, it requires you as a woman to not be disturbed or shaken, even in extremely hard and difficult times.  It amazes me, the strength behind that kind of woman.  How I so long to become a woman that strong in the Lord – like Sarah who obeyed and  had “no fear.”   I want the ability to look at something that may seem to be too much to deal with, have the wisdom to put things into perspective, and to look at things with a degree of humor and mirth!

This is something that every person who takes a stand for God must grow through to spiritual maturity over.  It’s what Paul described when he talked about how he persevered, having full confidence in the Lord’s giving him competence (excellent ability to minister) in his ministry, and was able to endure some of the harshest forms of persecution.

From Paul:

“We have this kind of confidence toward God through Christ: not that we are competent in ourselves to consider anything as coming from ourselves, but our competence is from God.  He has made us competent to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter, but of the Spirit; for the letter kills, but the Spirit produces life.” 2 Cor. 3:4-6

Our confidence in God reinforces our competence to be ministers of His Spirit through reaching His people.  It’s interesting to me, how many times Paul talks about not giving up.  He endured so many afflictions, it is incredible how he soldiered on in his calling.  We must emulate him and his reliance on God for his strength and perseverance, or we will lose our influence by giving way to fear or discouragement.

Therefore, since we have this ministry, as we have received mercy, we do not give up.  Instead we have renounced shameful secret things, not walking in deceit or distorting God’s message, but in God’s sight we commend ourselves to every person’s conscience by an open display of the truth.

So again, he says, “we do not give up.”  It must have been extremely tempting to give up doing the very hard, but very necessary and good things he was doing.  We have to keep in mind that his entire physical and mental being was subject to hardships and persecution that’s hard to imagine.  He suffered not only physical beatings and shipwrecks (three!) where his life was endangered, but also the psychological trauma or continued and relentless persecution, extreme criticism, and slander and false accusation from powerful religious leaders of his day.  We shouldn’t underestimate how much he went through, and the cost it was to him, as well as the great reward he received personally and spiritually, for doing so much for the Kingdom of Heaven.

And Paul also says that he and his followers commend themselves “to every person’s conscience by an open display of the truth,” – you can’t do that unless you are completely 100% open with people, and therefore, opening yourself up to extremely harsh criticism, persecution, and being hated like Paul was.  Some of it will be right!  Most of it may not be, but it’s very important to have like-minded believers, mentors, family members even, willing to criticize you to hold you accountable to continuing on in your goal and keeping on the course.

***

Let’s go back to the Proverbs 31 woman again for a moment.  We know she doesn’t easily give way to fear because of another verse as well:

“She has no fear for her household when it snows, for all in her household are doubly clothed.”

Proverbs 31:21

We are instructed that she had “no fear” for her household because she not only was doing what she needed to do to provide for it (making their clothing and extra bed coverings vs. 22, never being idle but carefully watching over all the activities of her household vs. 27) but she was also relying FULLY on God for her provision.

It’s not talked about very much in our modern churches, but usually in the Bible (except for a few instances) fear is actually a sin.  In most cases, giving way to fear was shameful because it revealed a lack of trust and faith in God.  Even when you look at how many times the Bible commands us not to fear, it’s over 365 times, and “fear” itself is spoken of over 500 times in the Bible.  Fearing man is also a great sin; we are supposed to live for an audience of One.  Remember how Sarah was praised in the New Testament by Paul… for not giving way to fear but persevering by Abraham’s side in obedience.

In fact, we are supposed to view our trials with joy!! (James 1:2-4).  We are supposed to view it as being effective and attaining the same treatment that the prophets of old received.  Having an attitude of a victim or “poor me, I’m being ‘harassed’!!!” is not godly and doesn’t produce anything good in you or anyone else.  Acting like a coward is never good… for a man or a woman.

“She is clothed with strength and dignity,

she can laugh at the time to come.”

*

“Consider it a great joy, my brothers, whenever you experience various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance.  But endurance must do its complete work, so that you may be mature and complete, lacking nothing.”

So we are to view trials and persecutions as good for us ultimately!  Because we know that God will work all things according to His will, for the good of those called to Him (Romans 8:28).  We have to view it not as cowardly women who give up too soon, but as women “clothed with strength and dignity,” who do not give way to fear or playing the victim, but instead choose to view it as a purifying process of discipline, meant to develop us into further maturity and completeness!

That change in mindset, amazes me so much!  It’s the difference between cowardly resentfulness or pride in expecting to be above even the prophets or Jesus Himself in how you’re treated, to humility and gratefulness for the opportunity to grow deeper and bolder in your faith.

***

The Virtuous Woman has Mirth

I’ve written another post specifically talking about the second phrase of this verse, that she “can laugh at the days to come,” and how it means the ability to have mirth.

You can read the entire post if you’d like, it’s short but full of the different facets of what that quality of character implies for a woman.

It doesn’t mean not ever feeling the depth of tragedy in a family, or mourning, but it does mean to keep things in perspective with a healthy attitude of what truly matters in eternity, so that we’re not rattled by hardships and trials or even persecution here on earth.

Again, the only way to have this attitude is to be continually focused on God and His opinion of us and rely on Him to set all things right when He sees fit to do so.

Women of WEAK (Selfish) Faith vs. The Proverbs 31 Woman-

There’s a big difference between the way human nature prompts us to react when hard times come, compared to how the Proverbs 31 woman was said to respond.  Women who have a weak faith and get scared off too easily, typically are focusing on the wrong things altogether, and not keeping their eyes on Jesus for their strength and peace

The Bible says that women like this, those who put their trust in people and lose sight of how powerful God is even in hard times, are actually cursed womenThey end up “living in a salt land where no one lives,” completely lose their influence over others for good, because they’re swayed by fear of people, rather than in fully trusting in the Lord.

Cursed is the man who trusts in mankind, who makes human flesh his strength and turns his heart from the Lord.

He will be like a juniper in the Arabah; he cannot see when good comes but dwells in the parched places in the wilderness, in a salt land where no one lives.

Blessed is the man who trusts in the Lord, whose confidence indeed is the Lord.

He will be like a tree planted by water; it sends its roots out toward a stream, it doesn’t fear when heat comes and its foliage remains green.

It will not worry in a year of drought or cease producing fruit.

I, the Lord, examine the mind, 

I test the heart 

to give each according to his way, according to what his actions deserve.

Jeremiah 17:5-8,10

See these two examples contrasted together?  One woman is cursed and loses their influence altogether, because she sinned against the Lord by giving way to fear in hard times.  The other is blessed because the Lord is her strength; she doesn’t worry or fear when hard times come, and her “foliage remains green.”  Her confidence is in the Lord, she has deep roots that she sends out toward a stream.  She “doesn’t worry in a year of drought or cease producing fruit,” which means she continues in the work God has for her, producing fruit in her life and in the lives of others.

When we start to take our eyes off of God and His goodness and promises for us, we falter in our faith like Peter did when he tried to walk on water, but then was scared when he saw the terror of the waves around him.  If we allow ourselves to be like that, we’ll get scared, and end up not finishing what we said we’d start.

We want to have the kind of faith Paul described when he talked about keeping his eyes on the prize and running the race with endurance… not giving up even though he had tremendous hardships and beatings and shipwrecks, or giving in, even though he also had tremendous temptation to after going through so many trials and tribulations!

I’m even reminded here of Hebrews 11 where it talks about the heroes of faith in the past.  But remembering that passage would be remiss, if I forgot to include the very next passage of Hebrews 12, and how the entire purpose of Hebrews 11 (reminding us of those great heroes of faith) was to encourage us today to think about them as a “cloud of witnesses” encouraging us on to be bold like they were.

“Therefore, since we also have such a large cloud of witnesses surrounding us, let us lay aside every weight and the sin that so easily entangles us, and run with endurance the race that lies before us, keeping our eyes on Jesus, the source and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that lay before Him endured a cross and despised the shame, and has sat down at the right hand of God’s throne.

For consider Him who endured such hostility from sinners against Himself, so that you won’t grow weary and lose heart.  In struggling against sin, you have no yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.  And you have forgotten the exhortation that addresses you as sons:

‘My son, do not take the Lord’s discipline lightly,

or faint when you are reproved by Him;

for the Lord disciplines the one He loves,

and punishes every son whom He receives.’

Endure it then, as discipline: God is dealing with you as sons.  …

No discipline seems enjoyable at the time, but painful.  Later on, however, it yields the fruit of peace and righteousness to those who have been trained by it.

Therefore strengthen your tired hands and weakened knees, and make straight paths for your feet, so that what is lame may not be dislocated, but healed instead.”

Hebrews 12:1-7; 11-12

One of the main reasons why I’ve continued writing even though I’ve come under attack or harassment (even to the point of fellow Christian women supposedly on “our side” calling for Child Protective Services to get involved and possibly take my children away based on false accusations), repeatedly throughout the years, is because I’ve been encouraged by reading Paul’s descriptions of staying the course, even though no one was in his corner at the time, or came to his defense when his enemies were opposing him verbally.

I want to be like the woman who has the deep roots, so that when the “heat” comes, she’s able to suffer it but with endurance and perseverance, allowing it to better her character over time.  Her foliage remains green even when other plants (with lesser root systems) get scorched by the sun, or wither away completely.  She still bears good fruit even while enduring difficulty or painful times of suffering, all because her confidence is in the Lord, and she continually trusts that He will give her competence through working in her.

Again, let me encourage you from Paul’s own words about what he went through.  To me, it is a very great reminder to not be so proud, that I believe that I should be spared things even Jesus went through and did so with grace:

“We give no opportunity for stumbling to anyone, so taht the ministry will not be blamed.  But in everything, as God’s ministers, we commend ourselves:

by great endurance,

by afflictions, by hardship,

by pressures,

by beatings, by imprisonments,

by riots, by labors,

by sleepless nights,

by times of hunger,

by purity, by knowledge,

by patience, by kindness,

by the Holy Spirit, by sincere love,

by the message of truth, by the power of God;

through weapons of righteousness on the right hand and the left,

through glory and dishonor,

through slander and good report;

labeled as “deceivers” yet we speak truth,

labeled as “unknown” yet we are recognized;

as dying and yet look – we still live;

as being chastened yet not killed;

as grieving yet always rejoicing;

as poor yet enriching many through our work;

as having nothing yet possessing everything.

You are not limited by us, but you are limited by your own affections (emotions).”

2 Cor. 6:3-10;12

If you’re a young woman reading this, remember, this is not only for my own daughter’s benefit, but to also benefit you.  Like Paul said, you are not limited by outside factors when being called to endure, instead you are limited by your own emotions and lack of faith and strength to endure and run the race and fight the good fight.

She sees her situation through open eyes:

A big part of being able to endure like this, is having a clear picture or clear mindset of what the end result is.  It’s also being aware of Whose you are, and how supported you are.  You can only “see” that when you are in step with the Holy Spirit and allowing Him to reveal these things to you through Scripture (and being poured into daily, like I referenced before).

Again, let’s look at how Paul stayed the course… what was his secret?

“Therefore we do not give up; even though our outer person is being destroyed, our inner person is being renewed day by day.

For our momentary light affliction is producing for us an absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory.

So we do not focus on what is seen, but on what is unseen for what is seen is only temporary, but what is unseen is eternal and forever-lasting.”

2 Cor. 4:16-18

His secret… his ability to persevere with such BOLD and lasting faith through so many ridiculous hardships, is:

  1. Being renewed in his inner person, day by day (again, what I talked about here)
  2. He knows this is only a “momentary light affliction” and that it is producing in them an “absolutely incomparable eternal weight of glory!”
  3. He chooses not to focus on what is seen, but focuses on what is unseen

It’s that simple really.  It’s what I’ve been trying to say for years now here on this blog as I was going through my own trials and false accusations and harassment and threats to have my children taken away based on false accusations to CPS, or get my husband fired (and lose our sole income) etc.  How could I have endured all of that for so many years if it wasn’t God supporting me and me going to Him daily for crucially needed spiritual renewal?

Something I heard a couple of years ago that helped me through those times of pressure and being slandered and falsely accused, was the story of Elisha when he was about to be attacked by the King of Aram’s army.  He was with his servant, and his servant wasn’t able to see the “unseen” like Elisha was – and therefore, his servant lacked the courage that Elisha had.

 

“When the servant of the man osup and went out early the next morning, an army with horses and chariots had surrounded the city. “Oh no, my lord! What shall we do?” the servant asked.

“Don’t be afraid,” the prophet answered. “Those who are with us are more than those who are with them.”

And Elisha prayed, “Open his eyes, Lord, so that he may see.”

Then the Lord opened the servant’s eyes, and he looked and saw the hills full of horses and chariots of fire all around Elisha.”

2 Kings 6:15-17

Hopefully this rather long post sinks in deep to your heart, Little One.  May you never fear man, but always put your hope and trust in the Lord, who will sustain you while you pass through the fire or the waters, and who will develop your faith into this kind of bold faith that lasts through your lifetime.

May you be like Paul, and focus not on what is seen (that may be admittedly terrifying), but on what is unseen, and remember the “cloud of witnesses,” surrounding you, encouraging you to run the race with perseverance.  We do not fight this fight alone.  The entire mass of heroes of faith are hoping that you will persevere and not give up.

Reread all these Scriptures as often as you need to, to give you the ability to keep on pressing on.  The Word of the Lord is your strength, as well as the joy it is to experience these things like the prophets of old did.

You will have victory if you persevere and do not grow weary doing good, for the Bible says that you will reap your reward in the proper time.

Do not be deceived: God is not mocked, a man will reap what he sows…  So we must not get tired of doing good, for we will reap at the proper time if we don’t give up.”  Galatians 6:7,9

By this I know that You delight in me:  my enemy does not shout in triumph over me!  You supported me because of my integrity and set me in Your presence forever.”  Pslam 41:11-12

 

 

 

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Don’t Ruin Your Husband’s Love Toward You

Image result for old painting husband and wife

Painting by Tate 1863 – Part of a 3 piece composition dedicated to a “Woman’s Mission.”  This painting was to depict a loving wife being her husband’s companion, titled, “Companion of Man.”  It was said that the woman in the paintings strongly resembled the artist’s own wife.  He honored her so much, and was so grateful for her companionship, that she became his artistic inspiration.

You may think I sound dramatic in the title of this post.  I wish it weren’t true.  I wish that humans really could love each other easily, endure each other’s faults effortlessly, but I’ve found the reality of how we treat others is reflected back in how they end up treating us.  Grace or not, Christian or not, I believe God often allows us to reap what we have sown into the hearts of others – our friends, our family members, our children, but especially our husbands.

It’s not usually talked about in our culture, especially in regard to how women treat their husbands.  But the fact and spiritual principle of reaping and sowing, affects everything we do and everyone around us – whether we want to admit to it or not.

Think about this first painting.  How the artist was said to have used his own wife as the model and inspiration for his creations, because she fulfilled his deepest needs emotionally, and therefore inspired his love to greater depths than we normally see in average marriages.

Our society pretends that women won’t reap what they sow (even people in general to a larger extent).  This overwhelming problem is why I believe we’re having so much trouble with people not taking responsibility for their actions.  Acting (really manipulating others) through pretending to be victims, has become almost like the modern-day Westerner’s hobby!

Here is an excerpt (below) from one of my favorite books on a woman’s role in a godly marriage.  It reflects on how a wife can harm her husband’s ability to love her so terribly, that it almost becomes impossible for him to feel the same feelings toward her as he once did.  Keep in mind this doesn’t usually happen within the first 10 years or so of marriage. I think it happens after a couple or more decades… it’s a slow husband-love killer.

And I think we’d be wise to have a healthy fear of this.  If we love our husbands, we must take into effect that this could be possible if we continue in sin against him, always believing that tomorrow is another chance, and yet never taking the measures to truly change for good.

Here is the story of Leo Tolstoy and his wife….

When a wife constantly pushes or nettles her husband, it is like the bite of a poisonous snake and can cause the destruction of a could-be holy marriage.  One of the most tragic cases in history is that of the Russian novelist, Count Leo Tolstoi and his wife.

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In the beginning of their marriage, Tolstoi and his wife were so blissfully happy that, kneeling together they prayed to God to continue the ecstasy that was theirs.

Tolstoi is one of the most famous novelists of all time.  Two of his masterpieces, War and Peace and Anna Karenina, are considered literary treasures.  He was so admired by his people that they followed him around day and night and took down in shorthand every word he uttered.

Imagen de León Tolstoi

Although he was a man of wealth and fame, after studying the teachings of Jesus, he gave away his property, worked in the fields chopping wood, and pitching hay, made his own shoes, ate out of a wooden bowl, and tried to love his enemies.  He gave away the publishing rights to his books and had the courage of his convictions to live a life he believed in.

But his wife never accepted him or his simple philosophy of life.  She loved luxury and he despised it.  She craved fame and the esteem of society, but these things meant nothing to him.  She longed for money and riches, but he thought these things a sin.  For years she made every effort to change him and his views.  She screamed at him because he insisted on giving away the publishing right to his books.  When he opposed her she threw herself into fits of hysteria, threatening to kill herself or jump down the well.

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After 48 years, this man who had adored his wife when he married her could hardly bear the sight of her.  And one of the most tragic scenes as when Countess Tolstoi, heartbroken and old and starving for affection would kneel at her husband’s feet and beg him to read aloud the exquisite love passages that he had written about her in his diary fifty years previously.  And as he read of those beautiful happy days that were now gone forever, both of them wept.

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His dying request was that she should not be permitted to come into his presence.

Wow!  I mean wow, right?!  His dying request was that she should not be allowed to be in his presence?!  They had such a perfect, blissfully happy prospect of marriage in their early days, and yet her decision to buck his convictions (which I think are beautiful and so touching he wanted to follow Jesus in that manner – how noble!), and had utterly no reverence for his deepest longings and convictions!   I think after decades of mistreatment, it makes sense logically that a wife will eventually reap what she’s sowing into the heart of her husband (or her children, friends, even enemies… it goes on and on with human behavior).  At the end of her life, she tried to make herself out to be a victim of his gruff behavior he had toward her in his old age.  But only people who were aware of how she secretly behaved toward him, truly understood she had caused his gruff behavior and grouchiness.

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Sophiya Tolstoi (his wife & children)

When I was in a marriage group some time ago, I would see women like Tolstoi’s wife come in fairly often – already usually a couple of decades into their marriage – and be desperately pleading with us on how they can turn everything around, all the while admitting that they’ve been treating their husbands horribly for the past few decades.  What motivated them to come to someone who could help them have a happier marriage?  Usually he had finally had enough, or reached some kind of “breaking point,” and he wanted out.  Or he had found another woman who treated him kind again – who admired him and loved him more than his wife seemed capable of.

It was usually apparent that it was already too late, but it was very interesting to watch these women go through psychological changes of first being extremely repentant and humbling themselves, eager to learn and read and practice trying to honor and respect him.  I often had such great hopes for them that they were truly changing in their hearts.  But when it didn’t work (and often times the husband wouldn’t believe their change was real or genuine), they would turn angry, they would get bitter, and then become very resentful even toward us as they believed our advice for happy marriages wasn’t true.

They would become indignant that their husbands’ didn’t accept their changes.  I would see these women start suddenly claiming that their husbands had really “emotionally abused them,” all this time, and that their (the wife’s) sin was in submitting to them too much.  Then they’d often blame sites like mine in creating women who submitted too much!  It was… like I said… very interesting to watch psychologically.  I talked about that here in this post a little.

Again, though, like in the Tolstoi example, this sort of behavior is actually tantamount to abusive in my opinion, toward the husband.  It falls under the “Borderline” or “Cluster B” disorders, which are extremely hard to fix, never-mind how hard it would be to live with someone with those psychological disorders.  A wife like this will usually never be able to admit she was verbally or emotionally abusive for years, until it’s almost too late, but it’s interesting how quick they are to act like they were the victim of emotional abuse, when just a few months before, they were admitting (finally) that they treated their husbands so terribly that they couldn’t believe he put up with it for so long!

If you’re a young wife reading this, I do think it’s good to have a healthy fear of ruining your marriage or your husband’s ability to love you in this way. 

I don’t think it’s healthy to have this idea that no matter how bad you mess up, no matter how many fights you start, or the terrible words you say to him, that it’s going to not have a devastating affect on him as a person longterm.  Men feel so deeply – especially when it comes to their wives’ opinions and treatment of them.  It would be like a husband abusing his wife for decades, and then expecting it not to have a diminishing effect on her ability to love him.

Can God redeem marriages like this?  I believe He can do anything.  But it’s not the norm that these marriages are ever fully repaired, so it’s best if you don’t ever fall into this pattern, as it all could have been so easily avoidable from the beginning.

And if anything, please remember Leo Tolstoi’s bitter marriage, and be on guard against women like his wife who suddenly tried to twist the truth in the end, in an effort to destroy her husband’s legacy and reputation.

Stephanie

 

Excerpt from Fascinating Womanhood

Letters from Mentors

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I LOVE having a daughter – I never dreamed it would be this much fun and that she’d be this feminine from the get-go!

But, with all that said, it’s actually a lot scarier to me having a girl to raise.  I understand boys ❤ and although they need a lot from their mothers, a lot of the bulk of their gaining and understanding their masculine strength can only come from their fathers.  So while it’s been beautiful to see my husband fill that role pratically perfectly, this new baby girl has turned our world upside down in this respect.  Now I’m the one who needs to teach her what true femininity and godly womanhood looks like.

Lord have mercy on me!  LOL 😀 😛  Even with all my studying, it still feels like a job I’m not fully prepared for.  But that’s why I’m forever grateful to mentors, my own mother ❤ , older women at church, and blogs with that kind of guidance.

Proverbs says to get all the wisdom, knowledge, and understanding that you can, and it’s wonderful that we have access to people we’d never know if it wasn’t for the internet!  I love how there’s so many women I’ve come across over the years who have been kind enough to give me tons of advice on raising children and being a godly wife!

In fact… I’m seriously considering starting another mini-series, complete with it’s own tab (maybe), called “Letters from Mentors,” where I’ll be featuring emails I’ve received from women usually in their mid-40’s or 50’s, who have given me AMAZING advice on different topics that would fit well here on my blog.

Women you’d see in this series would be people like Sunshine Mary (Sunshine Thiry), Liz (red pill commenter from years back), Stingray (from On The Rock), Lori Alexander (from The Transformed Wife), April (from The Peaceful Wife), Ame (from Blending Ame), RPG (from NotesFromaRedPillGirl), and a few other Christian women I’ve reached out to recently to see if they’d be interested.  Hopefully it will be an expanding thing, even with my real life mentors contributing from time to time.  I’m in debt to so many of these incredible women for the advice they’ve given me over the years and setting a positive example of seeing them interact online and in real life.  And the online ones love to write! LOL  So why not try to capture some of the letters I’ve received from them, that maybe would be helpful to other women out there as well who are in the middle of raising a family?

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In fact, my husband is helping me create a little booklet for our daughter of all the posts I’ve written under the tab for her.  I figured these “Letters from Mentors,” would go great in there as well!  I’m a big paper person… I love books you can physically hold.  This little booklet is only about 8-9 inches tall, in a mini-binder, and so cute!

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And it’s so sweet how quick these older, wiser women were to either reach out to me themselves, or to be open to my going to them to seek their wisdom.  They were so generous and kind-hearted toward me, and so humble!  And thankfully, I’ve only ever had one woman snub my request to email her and then humiliate me for asking, but then I realized… maybe she really didn’t have any wisdom to impart afterall... LOL 😀 .  Oh well 🙂 may the generous, humble ones be honored and praised for gladly giving advice to someone younger looking up to them.  It is definitely appreciated, and now I’m hopefully going to find time to capture their words in our homemade book (and here), so others can have access to their wisdom, too.

***

Stingray is the first woman’s advice I’d like to write about here on this post.  For people who don’t know her, she used to run a very well-written blog on male-female, red pill concepts, with a heavy focus on married women’s responsibilities, called On the Rock.  I urge you to go check it out!  A woman in her mid-40’s, with a growing family and husband she adores, she is a faithful Catholic with admirably strong convictions.  I adore her.  When I was pregnant and we found out it would be a girl, she was one of the first women I thought of when thinking of people online to ask for advice on a variety of “raising a daughter” topics.  That says a lot about the impression she had on me.

Like I said before, it just seems so much harder raising a girl, than it has been raising boys.  Our culture is so dark, and where it used to be more based on virtue and morality, now it’s actually praised to sleep around for years, before finally deciding to get married and have children – if a woman decides to get married at all!!!  I don’t want her to be like that.  I don’t want her to choose a more painful, even disastrous path for herself.  And I don’t want her growing up believing that it is “ok” or desirable at all, even if our idiotic society deems it acceptable.

I’ve rambled on too much.  Here is just one of Stingray’s excellent letters, I sincerely hope you as a reader, enjoy it.

 

Good morning, Stephanie,

I’m sorry this has taken me so long to write.  
I do have 2 girls.  Things are different in raising them in that you will be more hands on and your husband will be less with them, but the dynamic of both is still really important.  But really, the biggest thing is that your girls will be watching you to see how to navigate the world.  They will watch how you treat your husband, how you dress, how you approach house work, how you approach the world around you, etc ad infinitum.  But, and this is hugely important in my opinion, they will turn to your husband to learn how to navigate men.  Not directly, but Dad is their first love.  Obviously not in an inappropriate manner, but they will still look to him to see how he reacts to their learning how to be feminine.  
They will look to him to see how he reacts to how they dress, “Do I look pretty, Daddy?” How he reacts when they bake him something, to something they accomplished, etc.  He will be a far more effective teacher of things like modesty because they will learn from him what men like.  Dad’s approval and disapproval in HUGE.  So it will be you who teaches them directly, but it will be Dad’s reaction that sends the lesson home.  
As far as tantrums, it depends.  Some “tantrums” are quite charming and cute.  Dad might not want to stop those outright, because a girl learning how to influence her father in a good way is an excellent skill for her to learn.  We used to jokingly have the girls go to their dad and flutter their eyelashes when they would ask him for something and it was great fun.  It’s also a good lesson.  He would say no when appropriate and yes when appropriate.  They learned that it wasn’t always going to work, but also that it was cute and was influential.  But then, he would always shut down hard any girly tantrums that were just tantrums.  
Does that make sense?  In essence, you want to teach them how to use their femininity for good.  Because for better or worse, they will learn how to influence men and that is a powerful thing.  A tempting thing.  Most especially if they are beautiful.  So learning early on what a strong man will allow, and more importantly, what he is capable of, is hugely important.  
So my best advice is to use your instinct.  You don’t want them to squash who they are, you want them to be the beset them they can be.  That includes all those feminine things that they can use to destroy or build up.  It ends up being that you will directly teach, but they will want to buck you.  Your husband will be the one who indirectly shows them that what you are teaching means everything.  
Let me know if any of this doesn’t make sense or if you have any more questions.  Also, thank you for the compliment.  Blogging just took a back seat to growing children and family.  It had to and it just kind of happened organically.  Plus, the manosphere lost it’s shine for me.  It lost it’s intellectual appeal with more and more people coming in.  I knew it would, it was just a matter of time.  
I hope you are all doing well!  
Best, 
Stingray

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Rescue a Good Man from a Woman Like This

 
To my daughter, this is a topic that I find very important in determining your future, and understanding the value you will bring to your future husband.  Please read this man’s comment about his experience living with a woman who literally destroyed his life.
I want you to find and marry a good man.  I want you, like your Grandmother wanted me, to find a man like this, and rescue him from this fate of marrying someone who will treat him in this way.
Good men like him deserve so much more.  And I want you to understand how to truly value your husband, as well as how to spot women like this who purposefully go after them in order to control them.  And when they can’t control them, they betray them in the most painful little ways that add up overtime, making their marriages needlessly painful over the decades of life.
This is his story of how he was failed by a pastor in allowing his wife to successfully execute her plan to control their marriage (and if not control it, then end it).  But I want you to focus on the wife’s descriptions, as well as the pain this man went through due to her choices and actions in their marriage. 
I want you to realize how valuable you will be as a wife to a man like this – you can become a “crown” to him, “more valuable than rubies,” like the Bible says, rescuing him from a woman like this who passive aggressively harms him year in and year out.
***
SaltMark says:

 

I knew Doug Wilson personally, for many years. I love him as a brother in Christ, but I have not liked him for many years.

I met Doug in the early 1980 soon after I had become a christian in the military. Doug is an ex Navy man who served on subs during the cold war. He led a scruffy and well grounded bible church in Moscow, Idaho that met on Sundays in a auto-body shop. On Sundays I would help other men push out the cars and sweep the floors and set up chairs. I was drawn to Doug’s preaching from the Scripture. He with authority from the word, and was not pretentious. He was educated and articulate yet down to earth. In those years, most folks attended, including Doug and the elders, wearing jeans, flannel shirts, etc. There was good expository teaching in those days and good hymns sung. He and the elders were a real spiritual blessing to the little flock of 75 – 100 saints.

I regularly attended Doug’s Wednesday night bible studies held in his small home. I ate it up. He was very good at explaining scriptural principles. Again good expository teaching and good exegetics. I am forever grateful to Doug for his repeated admonishment to not read commentary, but read the Bible. When finished, read it again, then again, and again. I took it to heart like nothing I ever had. I read the scriptures, then again, and again.

I met a young woman at that fellowship whom I had known at Moscow High School. We discussed marriage and the scriptural roles of men, women, husbands and wives. She agreed with these truths, i.e. the husband/father is the head of the relationship/family, the wife/mother is to submit to him. We received pre-marital counseling from Doug. We had him marry us. We embarked on our life together as one flesh, through rich or poor, sickness or health, until death should part us…

Early on a situation developed in our marriage where her mother became terminally ill. My wife was in graduate school where she had, prior to our marriage, signed a contract to complete certain research. We met with Dough and his wife (his wife only as hostess and friend to my wife) to find an answer to the question of whether or not it was moral to nullify the contract so that my wife could attend to her dying, mute, paralyzed mother in her last months of life. Doug said no, my wife should continue in school, so that in the future, if I should die or become disabled she could earn better money. I politely disagreed and pointed out Numbers 30:13 stating that a husband may void her vow once the vow is brought to his attention, as it was with me at that time. I had done what Doug had taught – read the word, and again, read the word. Doug stood up and left the room leaving the two of us alone with his wife. We left and I voided my wife’s contract. She cared for her mother.

We attended Doug’s church while I finished my degree, but I became unhappy with what became more and more heavy handed teaching. Make no mistake, Doug is a very charismatic speaker, using many cute, witty expressions and anecdotes, through which he garners a large, enthusiastic following. But I tired of this because I saw it as pandering.

Not too long into our marriage it became clear that my wife was a dyed-in-the-wool feminist. She came out of the closet, so to speak, with regard to many a shocking thing which cannot be mentioned. She was extremely contentious and fought endlessly (ultimately for thirty years) to have authority in the relationship and home using all sorts of sneaky tactics as well as passive-aggressive maneuvers. I would not yield. I had no idea what blue-pill or red-pill was, but because I held to sola scriptura, which resulted in me being red-pill. I was not the perfect husband for father, but I was a good one. I read the entire scripture to my wife and children, all seven, and instructed them at home, one the road to Walmart, at every turn. But I was not respected. She secretly poisoned half my children against me. I sensed for a long time that she wanted a divorce, but despite the fact that being married to her was like being in a three-legged race with a corpse, I would nonetheless die honoring my vow to the Lord.

I never spoke to outsiders about my relationship with my wife, or our family life. There was no abuse. We home-schooled all our children. I earned a six-figure income as a software engineer. But there was this constant rebellion, war of authority between me and my wife.

I started hearing rumors fed back to me, about me, from all sorts of people, local and far away. Friends, family, church acquaintances, pastors, even people I never met had “dirt” on me. My wife had carefully carried out a smear campaign on me.

I was utterly despised by her. Unbeknownst to me, over all the years of our marriage she had been in regular email and phone contact with the Wilsons, Doug, his brother, Evan, their father, Jim, and their wives, where she reported falsehoods about me and played the tragedy queen. She wasn’t haaaaaaaaaaapy, and literally coveted my God given authority over her and the family. She worked hard over the years to undermine me and divide our family so that today our children are separated from me and one from another. She nuked us. I had a heart attack and open heart surgery two weeks before our divorce hearing. In court my lawyer exposed her hugely falsifying her financial statements. The judge chose to ignore her lies. I was divorce raped.

What stings is that the Wilsons and the larger Churcian Church allowed a tattle-tale wife to spread falsehoods about our relationship yet never once contacted me to discuss any of it. She got the green light to divorce based upon her tales alone. They taught and encouraged her in christo-feminism. I had on three occasions appealed to different pastors and elders over the years, but I rebuffed and blamed for her sinfulness. I was ignorant about the take-over of the church by the feminists and white-knights, like Doug. I truly expected that these Christian leaders were reading the scripture, like I was, and understanding what it teaches. I expected them to back me up against my wife, enforce church discipline if necessary. I was so naive. No one had my back. I was isolated and destroyed, physically, emotionally and financially. Those men, those Christian leaders could have prevented the destruction of me, my wife and our family, but I consider them culpable for its death.

I eventually became formally red-pill thanks to Rollo Tomassi, Dalrock, Vox Day, and others. Today I’m especially thankful to Dalrock for calling out Doug more than once on his harmful duplicity and unbiblical teachings. I am a very humble man in speech and word and could never challenge Doug myself. There is great need among the brothers that these bad leaders be skillfully, biblically rebuked.

Again, thank you Dalrock. It helps to heal my wounded heart to see you so righteously take them to task.

I pray that Doug, his brother Evan, and his Father Jim, my brothers in Christ, would repent.”

***

Let’s talk about his comment –

When I was a pre-teen, my mom frankly stated to me that I should try to “rescue” a good man (like the one in the comment) from a controlling, passive aggressive woman like the one who literally ruined his life.

The way she explained it was that good men like that are actually PREY to women who know they can take advantage of his kindness and possibly naivety. 

She told me stories about women who went after good men in order to teach me what they looked like.  They tended to fall into two categories: the sexy, seductive adulteress, and the Christian, “submissive” controller.

  1. The Seductive Adulteress – this type of woman is the forbidden woman warned about in Proverbs 7.  Potiphar’s wife is an excellent example of the way this woman acts and behaves with complete disregard to her husband’s feelings or dreams or aspirations for their life together.  She is set on ruining it, due to her lust of other men and desire for adultery.  Potiphar was a good man, too good for his scheming, treacherous wife, but I was taught that women like her go after men like Potiphar by design.  Good, upstanding men like him are purposefully picked so that she can abuse his good character and integrity, knowing he would never have the “guts” to divorce her or call her out on her behavior.  She is usually a reprobate, meaning it’s very unlikely a wife like this can be “reformed,” even by Church intervention, although I’m sure sometimes God can redeem them (Gomer and Hosea).
  2. The “Submissive” Controller – the description submissive is placed in quotes because while this woman appears to be extremely nice and sweet and submissive to the public eye, at home, nothing could be further from the truth.  This kind of woman usually has a character disorder where her entire being is ruled by games of passive aggression, her husband being her main opponent (and only real witness to all her behaviors).  These women are often quiet, good church girls.  They abide by the rules, they marry as virgins – which is so rare these days and makes them stand out.  They have internal problems with pride, but overcompensate by displaying false humility.  They are a walking dichotomy, often living a double life.  Out in the public they are kind and caring and good-natured, leading Bible studies and even teaching other women how to be good wives.  But at home they are nit-picky, “sneaky” as the commenter said, passive-aggressives who are controllers, and who cause their husbands and children immense pain longterm (although it’s a silent killer, the pain isn’t all felt at once).  They often cast themselves as the “victim” to their husband’s faults, and the feeling of being a perpetual martyr causes them to seek out the “help” of other people either personally or via emails to all kinds of people, or by slowly poisoning his children against him. 😦  She is also the kind who takes her husband to their pastor to get him to “correct” him (AMOG him), getting the church or elders involved if she doesn’t agree with his leadership.

So you can see, this man was likely married to the second kind of wife, which unfortunately for him, is the hardest for good men to avoid because she’s living a lie, and practically “tricked” him into marriage.  He will say sometimes when they are fighting that he doesn’t know who the “real” her is… is she really the sweet, kind, gentle submissive wife he married?  Or is she the nit-picky, betraying, passive aggressive character, who acts “bitchy” when she knows she’s home alone and not being watched?  Because even she often cannot see that she’s living a double life due to having this character disorder, she truly believes her actions are “normal” and that all women are this way.

Both kinds of women make for a very difficult, tumultuous marriage, although with the first, everyone but the husband seems to know she is horrible to him.  While with the second type of wife, nobody but the husband tends to know how terrible she really is to him at home, as her double life is seamless and she keeps them both separate.

I’ve come across women like the “submissive” controllers that the commenter’s wife falls into; they have emailed me complaining about their husband’s bad habits or their mistreatment of them..  They would never come right out and attack their men in public, because that’s too openly aggressive, it’s more in small, personally betraying ways that only he feels the sting of, while no one else understands what’s really going on.

Like posting photos of his used condoms on the floor (yes, that’s the above pic, from here).  I spoke with this blogger privately via email about the way this photo came across, and her response was that her husband was completely fine with her post, he just felt worried someone may notice the used condom(s) on the floor. 

If anything embarrasses your husband, it’s probably a good idea to admit it was a dumb move and just take it down, but women like this don’t seem to be able to have empathy for their men’s feelings about her revealing things that should probably be kept private.  If he was posting pictures on his public social media sites that caught some of her used tampons on the floor, and then refused to take it down (because… the blog must go on), then possibly they’d be able to see the damage it does to their husbands’ reputations and ability to safely rest in their trust them overtime.

“I started hearing rumors fed back to me, about me, from all sorts of people, local and far away. Friends, family, church acquaintances, pastors, even people I never met had “dirt” on me. My wife had carefully carried out a smear campaign on me.”

I also find it really interesting that so many of this second type of wife (that I’ve come across at least) are often married to software engineers oddly.  It’s very strange to me that it’s a reoccurring theme in multiple ones I’ve seen, this man being just the latest one.  Not all… one I knew growing up in real life was married to a Pilot.  She let herself go physically and cut her hair in a super short haircut (that he didn’t find attractive,) and he ended up falling in love with another woman who was more feminine around year 20 of their marriage.  Does her lack of care excuse his affair?  Definitely no. But I think being passive-aggressively attacked over decades probably does not make it easier for him to stay faithful to that kind of contentious woman, especially when he’s around younger, more attractive stewardesses all the time who defer to him and truly admire him and respect him (and would never dare criticize him).

It’s typical that the Seductive Adulteress keeps her beauty and physique in shape for other men, and not for her husband, while the Christian Submissive Controllers often let themselves go after marriage, which is a passive aggressive move against their husbands because men typically want their wives to try to stay attractive to them.  Or they cut their hair super short, when they know their husbands’ would really prefer that they took the time to maintain long locks that look more feminine (again, a passive aggressive move against him).  Not all who use passive aggressive manipulation techniques fit into this “type,” or even the seductress “type,” but there does seem to be stereotypes here that ring true.

Since growing up being forewarned about women like this, and how they target men with good character, I do believe it may be partly because they find that this particular kind of man (the kind who would be more likely to become a software engineer? I don’t know) is more easy to control.  If they sized him up when they were dating and decided he was a “weaker” type of “beta” male who would be more susceptible to passive aggressive attacks?  I don’t know.  I do know I’ve seen these women admit that they grew up with very “dominating,” “harsh” or “controlling” patriarchal fathers, and that they wanted to marry someone who was the “opposite” of their dads so that they could avoid the “oppression” they felt like their own mothers went through.  So it seems there is a link between them purposefully picking someone they viewed from the get-go, as a weaker leader-type male, so that she could avoid being controlled by him like her mother was (in her mind), and have more success in passive aggressive attacks against him.

It’s also important to note that the man writing this comment felt as though half his children had been secretly poisoned against himThis is the effect of a passive aggressive mother.  That’s what it’s designed to do.  When someone is passive aggressively attacking her husband, she’s also usually doing and saying little things trying to get the kids on “her side,” to view her as the victim having to put up with his ways or leadership.  Chances are she learned this from her own mother, who played the part of a “victim” or “martyr” to her husband’s “dominating” leadership in their marriage.  In other words, her mother was also likely a passive-aggressive, who bucked her husband’s leadership in a myriad of little ways that chipped his armor overtime, and put him always on the defensive (and therefore coming across as too harsh at times or “dominating”).  I’ve seen that in real life, and it’s very sad even to watch it online with a woman whose exposed her “game,” because you know it’s happening behind the scenes.  No matter how perfect their family pictures may seem, only that man and his kids know how “bitchy” she’s actually being in their private times together.  “Everything hidden will come to light,” the Bible says, and her children’s testimony of how she treated their dad, or his testimony when he finds out later on that they were “poisoned” against him, or when he finds out that people around the world know his failings and shortcomings because she’s been emailing anyone with a listening ear for years playing the victim in their marriage, is when that comes to light.

So… hopefully I’ve written enough now to convince you that good men don’t deserve wives like this, however, because of their character and natures, they often get targeted by women who seek to control them, or even abuse them.  You have to snatch one up quick, before she gets her hooks into him with her faux submission, or sex.  Because once they’re married, he’s really really stuck, and all you can do after that is pray for them, and watch how she humiliates him on her social media sites (pictures of his used condoms!!!).

Hopefully you’ll take your Grandmother’s advice, Sweet Girl, and you’ll literally rescue a good man from being the prey of this kind of woman who seems to purposefully pick him, and then ruin his life or betray him repeatedly in a million little painful ways that add up over time.

Believe me, the rewards for having the heart of a man like this, and truly treasuring him – never betraying him or passive-aggressively harming him, are SO immense it’s hard to describe!  Your father is such a man, a man of such fine outstanding character, my diamond in the rough, and you can see clearly the way he loves me and cherishes me.

When you marry a good man, and treat him like a king, he will repay that love 10-fold and with more loyalty and devotion than you could ever imagine!  And as he gets older, men like this with good character get wiser and better at recognizing how you are different from the wives who act like these 2 stereotypes, and he becomes more openly grateful that you’re different – which is a nice blessing in itself to be acknowledged by your husband for your efforts in being a good wife to him.  You start to experience Proverbs 31:28-29 where your children rise up and call you “Blessed,” 🙂  and your husband actually tells you,

“Many wives have done excellently, but you surpass them all!”

You will become that wife, Little One, if you are good, kind, and respectful to him, always being careful to never give in to passive-aggressive manipulations because that will become part of your character and be very hard to extricate.  You will never post pictures of his used condoms and post them publicly, because you’ll be raised knowing (and seeing) this example.  You will honor him and guard his reputation so that he can safely trust in you (Proverbs 31:11 “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her...”).

So may you rescue a man like that, so that his goodness won’t be taken advantage of, and so that he won’t have to suffer through life with a woman he can never fully trust, and therefore never truly and deeply, even love.

Stephanie

 

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: You Will Grow into Your Feminine Beauty

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I am a major book worm.  In case you haven’t noticed that I’ve NEVER changed the cover of this blog in nearly 5 years!  Because books are life!  There is so much knowledge and wisdom and beauty to be found in other people’s thoughts, that I can never get enough of reading it seems.  I had a few favorite books growing up – but Jane Eyre is hands-down one of the most memorable ones, and one that I STILL cannot get enough of!  I loved Jane Eyre because I was (what I thought of anyway) an ugly-duckingly, and she gave me hope LOL!  Growing into my femininity and beauty has been a long journey for me, and one that I hope I’ll be able to help my daughter navigate well in the future.

We were out yesterday selling some clothes for extra cash and I found a little historic novel based on a true story about a young nurse, only 16 years old (!), who tended injured men during the Civil War.  She became known and loved among the men she tended to for her gentleness and kindness to them ❤ .  Many other girls who volunteered to help had actually run away once the war came to their area, but this one girl stayed and became remembered for her character.

I had planned to buy some earrings I found for a good deal to build up our daughter’s stock, but I put them back and decided to get them next time in lieu of this awesome book!  I told my husband, “it’s for her future ❤ 😀 !!!”  I want our daughter to understand that character is what makes a woman truly beautiful.  Outward beauty shows self-respect or graciousness to those around you, but who you are as a person is what people will fall in love with and want to be around.

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She is such a little beauty already – almost strikingly so, and her happiness and joyful laughter are SO endearing!  But I want to raise her to love good books!  I want her to enjoy knowledge, and to know and understand that true beauty comes from very deep within – from the soul of a person, and that it takes time to grow and flourish… and that it can be lost if not safe-guarded against bitterness throughout life.

And I want her to know that it’s a process of becoming.

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It doesn’t usually happen all at once – being truly beautiful inside and out – for most women.  In fact, I’m not sure “most” women achieve both inner and outer beauty to their fullest personal extent, at all sadly.

Just like outer beauty takes A LOT of hard work and diligence over time to achieve and then to also maintain.  Inner beauty takes even more work, discipline, diligence, perseverance and even then if you manage to achieve it, it is MUCH harder to keep over the course of different circumstances one will face in life.  It’s a constant process of correcting your own character flaws, and that takes a TON of self-reflection, introspection, and acknowledgement of your own failings.

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Hence why I think a lot of women (and men if you’re thinking about men in that way) don’t even try to maintain inner beauty, or they may try but then give up or give in to their natural states of ugliness… since human beings all have sin natures… and our sin natures make us VERY very ugly.  That and we constantly fail.  Success in this regard requires a lot of perseverance and endurance.

So becoming a beautiful woman over time is very hard.  The inner beauty work is very difficult, and since I’m Christian, I do believe there’s a spiritual aspect to this where knowing God, having his help to get through life’s difficulties, really TRUSTING Him with EVERYTHING in your life (all those ugly emotions feelings and such), is the best or most proven way to maintain a beautiful character throughout life.

Avoiding all the vices that come so naturally to us, and working hard to develop the virtues that come from the Holy Spirit – that takes constant coming back to God to prune and develop you – to grow you and break you.  It’s painful work – which is probably why so many avoid it!  He’s molding you into a reflection of Christ, but again, that all takes a lifetime to achieve, and one has to be really working out their salvation with fear and trembling in order to achieve it at all!

But sweet, sweet, joyful little girl, you will grow into your beauty and femininity, and your daddy and I will be there every step of the way to guide you in the way you should go.

Stephanie

 

 

Always Have Great Sex!!

Hi Dr. Laura!

My husband is easy. He’s pretty much in the mood all the time. Whenever, wherever… we have sex at least once a day, sometimes two or three (and we’re in our 40’s). But because women are different, I found that it’s good to always stay “prepared”…

One way is, I NEVER go to bed with clothes on. The second is that I have a few things I rotate inside of my head about my husband throughout the day. Things I love about him, things that attracted me to him in the first place. I focus fully on one or two things and before I know it, I’m ready to go. And yes, even with a headache.

My mother taught me to never say no to my husband, but I realize that there is a difference between just being a willing participant and being right there in the moment with him. It’s my very favorite part of the life we share, and I think it’s his, too.

Julie

____________________________________________________________________________________________

I’ve talked on the blog before a few times, about how I listened to Dr. Laura on the radio fairly often when I was a little girl.  My mom always had her on (when she was on air), and wow was it insightful LOL!  The female callers complaining about their husbands were always the worst and most annoying people to behold.  They’d complain about their husband’S normal male-habits, or negative things like having a porn addiction, or that he didn’t clean the house the way she wished he would, or that he had no motivation to move up in his career or make more money, and on and on the complaints were.

She’d speak very harshly to them, although I enjoyed hearing her tell them those things, I always thought to myself that being that harsh with the women was not something I’d want to do.  But perhaps I was wrong… ?  Maybe those types of women truly do need a smack to the head or to be treated as harshly as they’re more than likely treating their husbands.  A lot of the stuff I heard that the men were going through (when the men would call in) sounded like emotional and psychological torture or abuse!  So maybe I was wrong to think they didn’t need some very harsh “slamming” of their own behaviors, perhaps that’s the only way to help them gain humility – by giving them a mirror to see themselves the way other people see them.

And how many women that were like that, were Christian women going to church?  You would think Christian women would set the bar high for being kind and gentle and extremely respectful of their husband and his “flaws,” guarding him and protecting him from strangers’ misjudgment.  I could always tell, even as a young girl, that these women were very sure they were “right” and “good” even though it was pretty obvious they were gossiping and slandering their husbands to strangers on the radio.

The good callers were the ones who were humble, and who listened to Dr. Laura’s advice and allowed her to call them out if what they were doing was wrong.  Like the woman who penned this letter above ❤  She’s taken Dr. Laura’s advice to have LOTS of sex with her husband, and to not only do it because of duty, but to do it enthusiastically and with a good heart towards him!

It’s my very favorite part of the life we share, and I think it’s his, too.”

Yes!  I’ve told my man this many times 😀

Let’s look at her tips for having a better sex life:

  • NEVER go to bed with clothes on (lol… yea that does work!)
  • Focus on good things about your husband throughout the day – things you like about him as a man, and things that made you attracted to him in the first place
  • Don’t just have sex  more, have MORE FUN SEX.  Don’t just give him “duty sex” (bleh) but actually enjoy giving him sex

I actually think there are different “kinds” of sex (no I’m not talking about sex positions – Eek!).  I mean there can be different motivations for having sex.  One of my favorite motivations to give my husband sex is being thankful for him and for everything he does for us as a family.

I call it “Gratitude Sex!”

It’s when you’re so thankful that your husband provides for you, is such a good father to your kids, and is so good in a myriad of little ways, that you just want to knock his socks off with really good (grateful) sex!

I think husbands are often taken for granted.  They’re expected to work hard and expected to do the dirty jobs around the house… but do we as wives really thank them enough?

Is it so bad to thank them with our bodies?

In my experience, it’s more than good 😀

Stephanie

Skin Care After 30!!

Oh I am so excited to write this post… something I’ve been thinking about writing for awhile now!  I just had 2 appointments this week with my beloved and long-term dermatologist, one for a normal yearly checkup (mostly for skin cancer full-body screening since I’m so white), and then another to go over my skin regimen and anti-aging “plan.”  LOL  As if you can really have a plan to not age!

I was pleasantly surprised at how pleased she was this time when viewing my skin under her sun damage lens (special lens that can see UV ray aging and damage underneath the top layer of skin – basically early aging before it appears).  Apparently the two most important things I’ve been doing have been:

  1. Using a high SPF sunscreen fairly regularly (and every day in the Summer)
  2. Using a little bit of brightener in the form of a very very low percentage Retinol cream and Vitamin C

She exclaimed that my skin was looking YOUNGER and “glowing”… as though I was 25 again (and this lady don’t lie).  But, the signs of coming wrinkles underneath the visible skin were “just barely” starting to show, and it was time to go with a little more retinol %, as well as to maybe think about including alpha hydroxy acids into my routine.

This is WORLDS away from what happened when I saw her back when I started this blog in 2013… I was only 27, but she thought Botox was in order for my visible fine lines LOL!  Apparently that’s how bad I was aging (and admittedly, I had neglected seeing her for years at that point)!

So again, let me reiterate how important using even the lightest retinol 2x a day and SPF sunscreen as much as I can:  The constant cell-turnover and brightening the retinol was doing, as well as the protection from further damage the sunscreen was doing, literally rewinded my skin cells back 6 years (and maybe more if I was aged older than 27 back then -which I’m guessing I was due to her horrified reaction lol).

This is one of those important lessons I want to impart to my daughter about beauty (and how sweet that my doctor is more than likely going to be the one taking care of her skin, too… *tear*).  I hope she learns from me that taking care of your skin throughout your lifetime is SO worth it to feeling healthy.  In other words, if you eat healthy, exercise, and yet you’re not taking care of your skin, there’s something missing 🙂

***

So let me give you some tips I just got this week before I forget 😀 these are things that are straight from my dermatologist, who is considered “World Class” and one of the best in our city!

  • You need to be cleansing your face 2x a day with a stronger cleanser (than the grocery store brands I used to use and wrote about) that has some kind of acidic quality to it, especially if you’re fair skinned (glycolic or salicylic acid).  This will be your basic exfoliant, as it literally will make the dead skin cells “slough off.”
  • When skin cells slough off through cleansing with glycolic acid cleansers, it increases cell turnover, which helps prevent early aging.  From Google: Glycolic acid is part of the group of active compounds known as AHA’s (alpha hydroxy acids). Derived from cane sugar: It has the smallest molecules in the group so is able to penetrate skin deeply and easily, making it the most effective for treating fine lines, acne, blackheads, dullness, oiliness etc.
  • Now that you’re over 30, scrubbing with exfoliants, like I was so avid about doing before, is no longer really that beneficial (yea I was shocked :/ ).  In fact, since my skin is getting thinner (she held up a rubber glove and pulled it taut and told me THAT was how thin my skin was getting!), that scrubbing is going to do more damage than good for my skin.  So like the first point states, a stronger acidic cleanser will become your exfoliant.  Go with gentle chemicals to get the dead skin off, instead of rough grainy beads.
  • Get serious about using Retinol a couple (or more) times a week.  Your face has to build up to get used to it.  And if you’re fair skinned, you’re more than likely also sensitive to Retinol (other shades of skin can be really sensitive as well though – always check with your doctor to see what strength they suggest for your specific skin type, sensitivities, and thickness, etc.).
  • Now is the time to start getting acid peels (medical grade facials – not the kind at the spa, but medical grade ones) every now and then – but only during the Winter months since they make your skin EXTREMELY vulnerable to more sun damage.  My dad actually had something like that done recently with their UV machine (that literally caused layers of damaged skin to peel off and left his skin so beautiful and smooth and 10 years younger looking).  His is to prevent skin cancer, but the effects are still nice to see and feel.  Doing something like that just once or twice a year “resets” your skin and helps your regular regimen to keep improving it (and be able to penetrate deeper).
  • You’re now at the stage of “Maintaining.”  They explained to me this week that although my skin looks beautiful and even “glowing,” it is now the time to get serious about maintaining that glow and youthful baby softness.

It’s really fun to get into the science of all this stuff, and feel relaxed in knowing you’re taking care of yourself.  I went ahead and got a glycolic acid/ azelaic acid Brightening Creme to use 2x daily (Glytone from France), along with a 0.5% Pure Retinol Creme (Skinceuticals brand USA) to use only at night and only a couple of times a week (should not use during pregnancy).  The Retinol is a high potency product and using it more than 2x a week would make my skin just peel too much.

Things I’ll be adding as well is a gentle alpha-hydoxy cleanser (Oil of Olay), and then Bio Oil which is INCREDIBLE as a moisturizer for aging-past-30 skin.

That’s it!  And now I’m going to go play with my retinol 😀

Stephanie

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Be the One He’s Thankful He Married

We just got back from a weekend trip – it was fun, exciting, and relaxing somehow all at the same time. 🙂  Since we were in the car for a few hours (both going and coming home), we had a lot of time to talk and reflect on the years we’ve had together ❤ .  It’s just been so beautiful – even through trials and such with outside forces, we’ve always felt like we faced them together – not as if the trials put us at odds.

Somehow it came up in those hours of talking, about my husband’s past – and he told me about a girl he had really liked in high school (he’s told me before, we both know about each other’s past relationships) – he thought she was gorgeous and just the perfect angel he’d love to marry – but he was too shy to ever have asked her.  If you’ve read our story, him being too shy almost cost him our entire life together, as it prevented him from asking me until I was already in a relationship!

Anyway, he reminded me of her backstory and what she did in college and after.  She was Catholic, but in name only, and turned extremely wild and slept with a lot of guys… something he told me would have torn him apart if he had been with her.  But thankfully they went their separate ways and he forgot about her for the most part.

He saw her picture recently and brought it up in this conversation that she looks so unlike what she used to – that the years of sleeping around and partying made her beauty (and boy did she have it!!) really fade and made her look older and harder.

She’s married now, he said, and has one kid, but he told me this weekend in the car, that he was so thankful he married me and that he avoided this other girl.

I feel sad for her in a way, this is definitely not a “gloating” post or anything like that.  But it is a topic I’m going to eventually let our daughter know.

It’s important to be a virgin when you marry your husband.

It’s CRUCIAL to let him know EVERYTHING you’ve done (good and especially anything bad) so that he knows you intimately – true intimacy and doesn’t feel like you’ve lied to him about anything.

Saving your purity (not just of your virginity, but literally everything – your breasts, any touching, etc.) is really REALLY important to your future husband.

And lastly, you want to be the woman he’s GLAD he married.  Not the promiscious angel beauty that he’s glad he avoided (sad!).

Hopefully she will take this wisdom to heart, like I did when my own mother told me.

Stephanie

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Your Beauty Will Fade & That Will Be Beautiful

growing old together

I just caught up with Lori Alexander’s post on beauty fading from a Christian (Proverbs 31 wife) perspective.  You can find it here (it’s great)!

cute

I do think about aging quite a bit, to me it’s nice, but I’m also aware that maybe it hasn’t really “hit” me yet.  When I’m sleep deprived, which is more often than not these days 🙂 , I DO feel like the Crypt Keeper lol.  But when our baby girl actually goes the full night sleeping (very rare), I wake up and feel fresh again.

But I’m getting older, there’s no mistaking that.

To me, aging is a privilege.

“Gray hair is a crown of glory; it is gained by living a godly life.”

Proverbs 16:31

elderly

Seeing my husband get older is actually quite sexy!  I love knowing we’re “growing old together.”  It’s very fulfilling in a way that’s hard to describe.

Seeing elderly couples who you know, are actually still in love, touches my heart!

elderly love

I think I’m lucky I married a man who is a dreamer ❤ and together we regularly talk about our plans for when we’re older.  The hopefulness of grandchildren, where we’ll take them, how much we’ll just enjoy having (hopefully) a lot of family around us during the holidays.  The real test of our parenting and relationship with our children will be when they’re finally adults and whether or not they want to spend time with us.  Our oldest son has brought up pretty often that he loves being with us and will be devastated when he moves out – I’m sure he won’t be as devastated when he becomes that age 🙂 , and I do assure him he’ll be “ready,” but at least right now, he tears up and says how much he loves living with us.  Everyone gets older whether they want to or not… as sad as it seems, at least it brings new chapters in life to explore as adventures.  I’d rather embrace these things than run away screaming from them.

asian

But even with saying all that, we still look pretty young – which is good and bad.

Just today a woman at the playground I was at with my children was talking to me, then suddenly actually asked me out of the blue, how old I was lol!  This does happen sometimes, and I don’t get it… it’s a little strange to ask a complete stranger how old they are in my book!  But I told her, and she was surprised and said how it was because I look so young and yet I have 3 kids.  She told me I don’t look older than 25.  A couple of months ago an elderly woman with her grand-daughter saw me grocery shopping alone, wearing my husband’s high school football shirt (where her grand-daughter just graduated), and thought I was probably from her graduating class!  When I told her how we’d been married 10 years, and had 3 kids, her mouth literally fell open.  Still shocked, she told me I looked 18.

I do sometimes wonder if the very cushy life I’ve lived, being married to a good man, having his babies and being able to stay home with them, has led to me still look younger than I would have if I had chosen a different path.  We definitely don’t have much stress aside from his job and some financial tightness of me not working.  But overall, we both feel very comfortable and happy – we have so many blessings we feel guilt over them at times.

But this is something I want my daughter to know and understand.  Even when you beauty does fade, and you start to really show your age (whenever that magically happens), I want her to enjoy it.

Part of enjoying it is enjoying (like Lori A. said in her post linked at the beginning) the relationships you’ve built up over the years with your husband and children.

I do think a large part of why I’m not afraid of growing older is because I feel so secure in the life we live together.  The Bible does say perfect love casts out fear.  My husband’s love for me, his enjoyment of growing older together with me, is probably the source of the happiness I can feel when I imagine being a grandmother myself.

It’s like the ultimate reward for a life well-lived.

Stephanie

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Keep it Classy

There’s an woman I know who looks, acts, (and even talks!) very much like this beautiful woman in this video.  For some strange reason, she has decided to adopt me over this past year, lol, and taken me under her wing (in advice, elegant home party planning, ettiquite, proper form, entertaining higher ups, etc.), and helps me a lot with running the events I do for our wives organization.  Her level of sophistication and class has truly challenged me to step up the elegance and effort on my part.  Wow was I ever lacking in this area!

Her sweet, beautiful and kind daughter is high school age, and I ADORE watching their relationship. 😀

So I would be remiss to not post this as “something I wish my daughter to know.”

Keep it Classy 😀

Stephanie