Email Question: How Much Should I Chase a Guy?

This was a question I got back in 2013 or 2014 via email.  How much should a woman in college (or even in her 30’s) chase a guy that she likes?  I’ve had other email conversations about topics somewhat like this as well, such as “my boyfriend doesn’t seem to be very interested in getting married (at all) anytime soon…” or “my fiance doesn’t want to set a date, hardly ever makes an effort to see me, and just moved across the country for a great job opportunity – what do I do?”

At first glance, I’m always tempted to tell women that you shouldn’t chase men, but sometimes circumstances make it appropriate and even sensible.  It’s all about determining how much he really likes you, or if he’s just using you and “isn’t that into you.”  For most of these questions, I had to ask multiple other questions in order to get to the root of what was going on.  For instance, with a fiance that is ambiguous about an actual married life, hardly ever makes an effort to see “his girl,” and just moved across the country for a great job opportunity – there were a lot of questions needed to understand if he was serious about marrying her, if he expected her to build a life with him in their new place, if she was emasculating him with her demanding career in New York, and so on.  It ended up being that he expected her to move with him, but didn’t want her to feel pressured to leave her job, so without communicating that, he just left and tried to keep the relationship alive from cross country.  He was more into her psychologically than it looked but she didn’t know that because he didn’t tell her that.

Once she had that honest conversation with him about his expectations for their relationship or future marriage, she was able to make the hard decisions of whether or not she wanted to continue being a career girl, or give it all up to gain a marriage and family life with **this man** having and being a devoted mother to his children in the future.  I say “this man” because she also had to calculate her chances of finding another man she was that into, who would **want** her enough to ask her to marry him and give her the opportunity to be his wife, even it that meant he wanted her job/career to be second to his.

It would have made their lives and relationship a lot easier if they were both just honest with each other up front: she being honest that she wasn’t all that fulfilled with her amazing career in New York – something that made him feel like she didn’t really need or want him that much anyway – and him with his expectations for his future wife in having a career that she’s willing to sacrifice or put second to his.  Feminism and it’s lies of treating men and women’s desires as always equal has really made men and women confused about what each other wants and needs as life goals change.  She felt like her career would fulfill her as much as a family would, until it finally hit her that she’d actually like being married more.  And he felt like she really did care that much about her career (as much as he felt about his own) that he felt it would be selfish to have asked her to move with him and marrying him then, and start a real life together as a family.  Both men and women are lied to in this day and age, and told from childhood that these things are truly what women want and should feel fulfilled by (their career).  Men are constantly told that women don’t really need them or want marriage that much.  So men actually believe this now days.  That coupled together with a high value man who has found meaning in his own career (which is how it should be for men), makes everything extra complicated.  Men are told that women are just like them in how much they value their jobs, so they believe that and treat women accordingly.

Plus men are opting out

Something I’ve learned from these email questions from young women is that men are not really that interested in marriage these days.  At least, not to the degree women are taught men would be by the time they were “ready.”  These men seem to be wonderfully fine and fulfilled without a wife in their life… even if they have a great girlfriend – she’s not going to be promoted to wife very easily.

This makes it very hard to understand whether a man is with you, but not that into you, or if he truly wants you to be his wife someday.  It’s the woman’s job to make sure she’s not letting herself be used, that if he’s not that into her, that she leaves.  This is part of what makes dating so complicated, especially in this environment.  Understanding men and what they want has never been more critical.

Trust me, while a high value man won’t be falling all over himself to proclaim his devotion at every opportunity, there will still be strong signs that he values you and wants you in his life, especially if he’s considering you as his wife.

This particular email, however, had the college-aged girl describing a relationship where she was always the one pursuing him, setting up times to see each other, and he generally seemed to still have a lack of interest even after all her trying, but would go and see her anyway.

The first question I asked her was this:

Are you having sex with this guy?

I know women are supposed to be “liberated,” and “sexually free,” but having sex just makes it a million times harder to understand whether or not he’s using you.  Sex used to be the main reason WHY men got married younger, because women understood it was a valuable thing that should be kept within safe boundaries of love and marriage only.  It used to be a widely known truth that men can have sex with women they don’t really love, and will readily use a woman who puts herself in that position to be used.  Women don’t “get that” these days, and I’ve had to tell a couple of them through email what their mothers should have taught them about this truth.

Plus a woman’s sexual behavior was a pretty good indicator, although not always, of whether or not she’d be a loyal and trustworthy wife if he married her.  Being a virgin, for a woman, was something that made her more desirable for marriage because it meant a laundry list of “pluses” she’d bring to him as a wife:

  • No prior lovers to compare him with (and all that entails… both physically and emotionally)
  • No emotional baggage from past sexual relationships (for women, sex makes relationships too intense to where they really imprint on her psyche forever changing who she is)
  • No emotional baggage from horrible breakups – that ironically come from that intense bond that sex creates for a woman.  These scars seem to be very deep for women and shouldn’t be ignored by a man looking for a wife
  • No past crazy experiences with sex or being used or “feeling used” that she has to work through in order to be sexually “free” again with her husband later in life
  • No STDs he has to be worried about
  • No past STIs he has to be worried she had and “treated” that could still affect her or him later
  • No ugly and devastating secrets in her closet like abortion or miscarriages from a prior boyfriend – things that scar a woman and make it harder for her to be great wife material psychologically
  • Less chances that they’ll divorce later on in marriage… study findings have recently confirmed that the longest and happiest and best sexually fulfilled marriages are when the woman was a virgin, and that  the least chances of divorce was with women who were virgins.  Next results were for women who had very low partner counts as opposed to women who had higher partner accounts.  But EACH PARTNER dramatically seemed to affect a woman’s marriage outlook and sexual happiness.
  • Even if men don’t know these facts above consciously, humans seem to be ingrained in understanding these things subconsciously, as men have always had two types of women: the type they sleep around with before marriage, and the type they “bring home to Mama.”

Considering this list, it is really important to teach daughters how valuable their sexuality is, and try to impress on them how important it is that they try to save their virginity for their husband.  Yes, it sounds outdated for non-Christian women, but for Christian women, we’re taught this from very young.  The point is: even if you aren’t Christian, you’ll benefit greatly from keeping your sexuality for your future husband.  Can a woman still be a good wife if she’s been sexually active?  I believe so, but I also think it makes things harder – unnecessarily at that.  And if you’re Christian, you have NO BUSINESS having sex before marriage.  No if’s and’s or but’s.  Does it get complicated if you’re older or previously married, yes it does.  But always remember that historically sex was saved so that the woman wasn’t used.  It’s in the woman’s best interest, and historically always has been, to save sex for a strong, valuable and committed lifetime partner.

So in this particular email, she was having sex.  Surprise Surprise!  Thanks feminism for ruining everything and making dating a million times harder for men and women.  I suggested she stop and find Christianity and Christian counseling to find out why she’s giving her sexuality away to men (it’s seems to be usually something emotional – cue daddy issues – or just wrong rationalizations of earning love or commitment this way), and start the healing process from letting herself be used.  It’s been known scientifically for awhile now that daughters of divorced parents are typically more likely to not stay virgins long or wait to have sex until marriage.  So since so many millennials have come from divorced families, the promiscuity among them shouldn’t really be shocking.  It’s hard to believe in something you’ve seen and experienced dramatically with your emotions, fail consistently.  So while I understand that almost all millennials are having sex prior to marriage, it still doesn’t change the fact that these women having sex with their boyfriends complicates the relationship and their impending future marriage with that guy or another man later on.  It doesn’t change the consequences of it making it more likely for her to be used sexually because she’s making herself too available sexually.

So with that piece of advice, I predicted she’d probably lose the boyfriend since it would show clearly whether or not he truly loved her, or was just using her as a convenient booty call.  She found out, which she would have eventually found out sooner or later anyway, that he really was only interested in her for the sex he was getting… hence him otherwise not really being that into her.

Let’s go through the clues again just to make it easy to read here.  When a young woman is:

  • Always the one to initiate contact with the man
  • Always the one to set up times to see each other
  • Usually having sex when they have these “dates” – which aren’t really dates but sexcapades back at her or his apartment
  • The only one interested in keeping up the “relationship” where he doesn’t seem to care much
  • Has that sense that if she were to stop having sex, he’d just move on to someone else or they’d have nothing else to do together

If these things are happening to her (or you reading along), it’s time to cut your losses and move on.  In the famous words of Greg & Liz,

“He’s Just Not That Into You!”  

So no, you don’t chase this man. You let him go, because truly… you never really “had” him.

The great thing about this, is you can change and realize what you’re doing to yourself and start to value your sexuality for what it is.  Although I do strongly recommend good counseling to find out the why behind your having sex with men or boyfriends – is it just because you were never taught to save it for marriage, or is it something deeper and more worrying… like your dad leaving when you were young because your parents divorced and you don’t trust men to be good and the value of marriage?

A man who values you as a potential wife will also want to have sex with you before marriage, but he won’t use you.  All the same though, having sex before marriage will make it more likely for the relationship to turn toward him using you, because men tend to get tired of women who they’re having sex with if they’re not in a committed marriage with them.  It’s a mystery, even I’m not completely sure why a man “gets tired” of a girlfriend he’s sexually active with.  Sometimes it works out and they get married, but a lot of times it doesn’t.

 

Hope this answers any lurkers’ questions!  Keep lurking and emailing if you’re too embarrassed to ask these in the comments section.  I’m only doing this because it’s annoying that no one else seems to be, in the mainstream, for you younger people out there still stuck in the HORRIFIC dating stage of life.  It’s not fair that you didn’t have moms that guided you with this valuable information… and since mine did, I feel like it’s wrong not to write about it or answer questions like this when asked.  

And for the mentally ill nutcases who still think I should answer political questions etc…. questions like this one are fun and have a “low emotional cost” for me to answer publicly here, they also probably won’t attract more mentally ill obsessive like you 🙂 so if you want the interesting drama of political stuff, my advice remains the same.

Stephanie

 

Are there ever times you SHOULD or CAN chase a man?  Yes!!

  • If he’s too shy
  • If he’s divorced and burned (but still stable and a great catch – which a lot of frivorced men are)
  • If he doesn’t think you’d be into him (one of the most romantic examples of this Ruth & and Boaz)  Read here.
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Unhappily Married Women Claiming Happy Couples are “Fake” on Social Media

Around our last anniversary in August, I saw a viral blog post going around that blatantly told happy married couples (those on facebook) that their happy photos and positive notes they post to each other makes certain married couples feel bad about their own marriages.  Here is the specific post, “I Cannot, In Good Conscience, Participate in the Love Your Spouse Challenge,” where one woman took the self-righteous approach of declaring that the challenge participants were so fake, that she just couldn’t participate by honoring her husband for 7 days posting positive things about him and their marriage because it wouldn’t be “real” enough.

There are enough articles and comments out there that explain the same general feelings of married women on FB:

“You happily married couples can’t really be that happy (we realistic ones know you’re lying to us), plus you make me feel bad because my marriage isn’t like that. You’re faking it in your photos and not being “real,” let me show you what IS real by posting negative shit about my husband and I publicly.”

And boy these women really meant it!  The blog post that went viral has actual photos of the writer and her husband angry at each other, fighting and arguing in the kitchen, her denying him sex because she was “too tired,” and on and on.  Obviously they were all staged (nevermind the irony of having to fake “realistic” negative pictures at the same time you’re criticizing posed wedding photos!!), but the message was clear: REAL COUPLES POST NEGATIVE THINGS ABOUT THEIR MARRIAGE ON FACEBOOK.  Fake couples only post the positive things and therefore aren’t “real” enough for these hypercritical women.

Just imagine if it were turned around on the wives!  What if husbands suddenly thought it was great to start complaining on facebook about how their wife doesn’t look the same anymore or turn them on as much as she did 10 years ago?  What he posted about how annoying she’s been to live with or how she doesn’t always do certain chores in a timely manner and this drives him crazy?  These are all things women complain fairly open about in one way or another, and it’s accepted easily in our society.  But wow!  Imagine if a husband decided to write an article posting the worst parts of their marriage (in pictures!!) so that other men could commiserate with him?  It just wouldn’t happen, and if it did, it would be shamed by men and women alike.  It’s not acceptable for a married man to complain publicly about how annoying his wife is, or share pictures of her without makeup on his FB to be “real.”

Sharing your grievances about your spouse publicly in any venue, should never be considered appropriate.

It’s disrespectful and a violation of his trust and privacy.

Our spouses know our most intimate flaws and failings.  In a good, healthy marriage, there’s usually a boundary there that the spouses protect each other from – it used to be called “not airing your dirty laundry.”

And then we get to the chosen method for this sharing of “real life.”  These women choose facebook (or blogs) to “vent” about how difficult their marriage has been.  Their husband is more than likely “tagged” into the post, meaning ALL – and I mean ALL of his friends – past and present, coworkers, boss or Supervisors, even acquaintances or possibly worse, people who don’t like him or are competing with him in the workplace, will be exposed to his wife humiliating him and divulging the private (negative) aspects of their marriage and for what?

To be more “real” with her facebook friends.  It looks more like betrayal to me when I see women engaging in this kind of public behavior.

His honor, respect and privacy must be sacrificed so she can compete with the other women by being “more real,” than the ones who post only happy and positive things about their spouses.

It kind of boggled my mind for awhile, wondering why other married couples would be that angry at seeing happy ones?  Why would they care?  Why would posting about fighting, or how they’re usually too tired to have sex with their husbands make them somehow more “real?”

Anyone reading this probably already understood this was what was really going on, but apparently I’m not that smart.  I thought these couples really did believe that the happy ones were lying.  They may actually believe that, but there’s something else there that I finally caught on to:

They really ARE that unhappy seeing the happy couples, because their marriage IS less fulfilling, less passionate, and less enjoyable.  😦

This is probably obvious to everyone else (especially the red pill readers who come here), but somehow it took me months to figure out (lol sad).  I had completely forgotten about this viral post, and only recently caught on to what was really happening after seeing a few more couples we knew divorce in that time, and reading what the wives said afterward.  Their marriages really WERE miserable, and mostly due to miscommunication and lack of meeting needs for the spouses that spiraled into ugly fights and damage beyond repair to their relationship.  Of course when you’re fighting bitterly with your spouses day in and day out, it’s hard to be happy for the happy, successful couples.  I think they truly believe the happy couples live that way as well, and are “hiding” their misery behind a charade of happiness.

It also became obvious when reading these new-trending posts on a couples’ anniversary where the wife feels like it’s necessary to quantify her happiness by explaining that they’ve also had a miserable marriage as well (or have almost divorced), that this is the “new norm.”  Being positive and genuinely happy isn’t looked at as “real” anymore… in fact, it’s looked down upon.  Happy couples are not “real,” unless they were genuinely miserable in their marriage at some point, too.

One woman told me “Well, you want to be relate-able.”

I just don’t know about that.  Relate-able sounds like “average.”  Relate-able falls in line with the status quo, and with so many married couples getting divorced, I really don’t want to be relate-able in that way.  I don’t want to have to complain about my marriage to somehow be “relate-able” with other women.  If our happiness makes others think we’re fake or makes them feel bad about their own marriage, we don’t have control over that.  So it’s not our concern 🙂  Plus, they are only harming themselves mentally when they dwell on how fake the happy marriages are – what does it do to us? We’ll just continue being happy, while the miserable couples will continue dwelling on their misery.

It’s a little hard to want to be relate-able in our present day culture to be honest.

Relate-able means being overweight since so many women now are overweight, and it’s rare to see a fit mom that’s had multiple children.  Relate-able means complaining constantly about housework, or taking for granted the gift of being a mom – things that science has proven actually make us LESS happy when we vent our frustrations.  Relate-able means valuing the secular things of this world more than the spiritual maturity that comes from a steady walk with God.  Relate-able is having had sex before marriage – so you’re not relate-able if you married as a virgin and saved that gift for your husband.  Relate-able is having had an abortion or a devastating past full of bad decisions and multiple sexual partners.  I’ve never really been that “relate-able” in these ways, and you know?  I don’t want to be.

Relate-able seems to be a lot of **negative.**

Even just being Christians, I believe we’re called to acknowledge we’re all sinners, none of us are perfect, however we called to a higher standard than just trying to come across as “relate-able.”

Maybe we’re supposed to be different for a purpose.  Maybe complaining about our marriage or sharing how miserable it’s been on FB isn’t what Christian women are supposed to do.

 

“For it is GOD who is working in you, enabling you both to will and to act for His good purpose.  Do everything without complaining and arguing, so that you may be blameless and pure, children of God who are faultless in a crooked and perverted generation, among whom you shine like stars in the world.  Hold firmly to the message of life.  Then I can boast in the day of Christ that I didn’t run in vain or labor for nothing.”

Philippians 2:13-16

 

 

This is one of my most favorite verses in the Bible… Philippians itself is probably my favorite book because it explains so much about gratitude and joy in life.  But if you’re a married woman reading this, re-read this verse and really allow it to sink in.  Apply it to your marriage.  To your children.  To your housework or anything that tends to annoy you daily.

You’re not called to be relate-able ❤ .  Your purpose is higher than that.

Jesus was so unrelate-able the Pharisees killed Him!  He’s the perfect example of someone pure and faultless getting falsely accused and hated because of His purity and Truthfulness that shamed those who weren’t like Him.  You don’t have to fit in by doing what the masses are doing – whether that’s having sex before marriage, or complaining online about your husband or sharing how miserable your marriage has been so others can relate to you.

You’re called to shine like the stars with your purity as children of God.  It feels wrong to type that phrase because it is so not politically correct and many Christians even take it the wrong way, accusing women who aim for this as being prideful and arrogant.  Even from a Christian woman I’ve gotten the message, “There’s nothing special about you!  How dare you think you could ‘shine like a star’ with being pure and following God!  How dare you have something to say or correct someone like me who knows so much more than you! You’re just full of pride and don’t know anything or have the experience yet.

We have a much stronger testimony when we aren’t striving to fit in with the status quo, when we’re living out our faith and convictions day by day.  Our testimonies actually mean something when we’ve walked that road of doing the exceptional for Christ, and have experienced the trials of living “unrelate-able” when it’s going directly against the grain of our culture.  Anyone who’s lived by their convictions knows this truth that it’s often isolating, painful, and full of self-sacrifice.

Instead of merely aiming for average, we can choose to be inspiring and encouraging, focusing on what Philippians 4:8 tells us to:

“Fix your thoughts on what is true, and honorable, and right, and pure, and lovely, and admirable.

Think about things that are excellent and worthy of praise.”

 

Go out and shine like stars in purity as children of God,

Stephanie

 

Related Reading:

I Cannot in Good Conscience Participate in the Love Your Spouse Challenge

Dear Happy Couples: I Hate You

Updates!

baby-sophie

I’ve been really neglecting this blog, but writing the Proverbs 31 study hasn’t stopped for me (even though it’s stopped online), it’s just taking a different avenue than I expected as there’s been a request to tailor it to police wives specifically.  So I’m writing (offline) two different books essentially, one that will hopefully be in our family for however long the children and grandchildren value it, and another that may go on to be for police wives all over the country.

So you’ll start to see the posts in this series being removed and no longer available online here.  They’ve been up for months and months so hopefully anyone who was interested has gotten something out of them, and if someone wants the ending posts, just comment or send an email to let me know.

I haven’t officially posted about this here yet, but all of our “real life” friends and family are already aware – I’m 6 months pregnant with our 3rd baby, and IT’S A GIRL!!!!

With that in mind, the Proverbs 31 series, which was written primarily for our own family and future little ones (children and grandchildren hopefully), we are OVER THE MOON to have this opportunity to raise a girl.  Raising boys into strong, godly and fierce men is extremely important, and I’d say raising girls into virtuous women that fiercely hold onto their beliefs in this culture is equally as important, and it’s great that this study/book for our family will have a feminine reader when she’s ready!

I had kind of thought honestly that I’d have to wait until we had grandchildren to get a girl in our family, so this was unexpected, a little scary, but VERY much welcomed!

So after the posts disappear, I’ll probably get back to writing here on various topics concerning anti-feminism, etc.  My husband’s expressed interested in writing more as well, which is so exciting for me personally – he has the greatest ideas and I love that he’ll be expressing them here.  It will be a place where his thoughts on these times we’re in will be recorded so that our sons (and daughter and maybe our grandchildren) will be able to read and understand how he reacted to things during this strange time in America.  I’m planning on printing all his posts and keeping them in a binder (or just having them professionally bound later on when they’re “completed”).  I think it’s great to have them here, too, because anyone else that is interested (not part of our family obviously), will have access to them.

It will be like history for our family in a way, to be able to read and know intimately what our Patriarch thought!  Just so awesome!

 

And random news:  I’ve started a new blog a few months ago about fitness, and especially focused on fitness for women who want to stay in the best shape possible even after having multiple children.  Disclaimer: It shows a lot of women in bikinis :/ it’s just the best way to look at body percentage fat, etc. and is a woman’s blog intentionally.  So if lots of skin bothers you, it’d be better for you to avoid it altogether.  That blog is especially important to me in regards to our coming daughter – her perspective on fitness, the perils of being overweight, and how our culture is becoming more and more insane in almost every dimension (but especially in regards to unhealthy choices), are all extremely important issues to us.  We want her to understand the lies behind “body-shaming,” and “fat acceptance,” and come into adulthood with a healthy and godly mindset that acknowledges what true fitness really is and looks like for women.

I want her to understand how hard it is to keep fit over the course of her lifetime, but also how rewarding it is for her to do so!  I want her to be compassionate toward others who are failing in this area of their lives, but also strong in her beliefs that being overweight is not “good” or “ok” for people, or even God’s best for them.

So every post there, is written in mind for her to read it in the future.

Read if you dare 😉

THE FIT YOU

The Proverbs 31 Woman’s Stewardship of Her Talents

“She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies sashes for the merchants.”

Proverbs 31:24

Welcome back if you’re still following this series of posts about the Proverbs 31 woman!  It’s been a lonnng time since the last post, but it’s been good for me to take a break in order to fully process all the things happening regarding the police and violence against them in our country.  I could write many posts just about all the emotions I went through during this time, but I may save that for another lesson series in the future.  For a few more weeks, this blog has the purpose of focusing on what God sees as beautiful, feminine character.  We’re still zeroing-in on the virtues and powerful example of the woman talked about in Proverbs 31.  For all the things that have happened during the course of writing this little series, it has still continued to prevail and change lives.  I’ve had the wonderful experience of getting to hear how God’s used these posts to help open up women’s minds to new ways of looking at what truly matters, and it is so humbling to know that God is using these posts for His purpose in blessing others.

When I was researching for these verses, the image illustrated in my imagination was that of her going about their society, taking her merchandise to the ports in order to sell them to the merchants, walking through the markets buying the food she selectively picks out from them as we saw in verse 14.  She moves through their city, going about doing good for her family, dressed in fine linens and yes, this strange and seemingly worldly choice of extravagant purple.  She is a walking advertisement for the beauty that her hands create!

Let’s dive in fully to the meanings behind this verse.

***

She makes linen garments and sells them, and supplies sashes for the merchants –

Another look into our virtuous woman’s talented mind for business!  The word, “merchants,” used here, is literally “Cananites,” and it is talking about the Phoenician merchants.

“She delivered these goods to the merchants or traders.  These were Phoenician traders, according to the meaning of the Hebrew word.  Phoenicians were known for their trade and commerce and their skill as a seafaring people. Phoenicia’s two major ports were Tyre and Sidon.

The virtuous woman provided a source of income for her family through her business. “When other women impoverish their husbands by buying, she enriches her husband by selling those valuable commodities for which there is a constant demand” (George Lawson, Commentary on Proverbs, page 567).

“It is only modern pride and laziness which has introduced the idea that it is inconsistent with the dignity of a fine lady to make profit of her own manufactures.  This virtuous woman, although her husband sits among the elders, does not think it a discredit, but an honor to herself, to make fine linen and girdles for sale; and the wise will praise her on account of it” (George Lawson, p. 576).” (2)

These were the same merchants she more than likely bought the purple cloth or garments, or the dye itself, from.  She would take what she was able to afford, and increase it to bless others from the work of her hands!

She used her God-given talents to financially bless her family –

The woman in Proverbs 31 is much like Tabitha in that she makes clothing and looks after the poor and needy as we’ll see in verse 20; however, unlike what we know of Tabitha, she also uses her talents to gain a financial blessing in return.  Let’s look in depth at what it means to use our gifts that God has given us in Matthew 25:14-30.

The Parable of the Talents the Master gives his servants:

14 “For it will be like a man going on a journey, who called his servants[a] and entrusted to them his property.

15 To one he gave five talents,[b] to another two, to another one, to each according to his ability. Then he went away.

16 He who had received the five talents went at once and traded with them, and he made five talents more.

17 So also he who had the two talents made two talents more.

18 But he who had received the one talent went and dug in the ground and hid his master’s money.

19 Now after a long time the master of those servants came and settled accounts with them. 20 And he who had received the five talents came forward, bringing five talents more, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me five talents; here I have made five talents more.’

21 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant.[c] You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.

22 And he also who had the two talents came forward, saying, ‘Master, you delivered to me two talents; here I have made two talents more.’

23 His master said to him, ‘Well done, good and faithful servant. You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much. Enter into the joy of your master.’

24 He also who had received the one talent came forward, saying, ‘Master, I knew you to be a hard man, reaping where you did not sow, and gathering where you scattered no seed, 25 so I was afraid, and I went and hid your talent in the ground. Here you have what is yours.’

26 But his master answered him, ‘You wicked and slothful servant! You knew that I reap where I have not sown and gather where I scattered no seed? 27 Then you ought to have invested my money with the bankers, and at my coming I should have received what was my own with interest.

28 So take the talent from him and give it to him who has the ten talents. 29 For to everyone who has will more be given, and he will have an abundance.

But from the one who has not, even what he has will be taken away.

30 And cast the worthless servant into the outer darkness. In that place there will be weeping and gnashing of teeth.’

 

What an incredible parable!  And how convicting is it that we should be taking our callings, our gifts – our purpose so seriously.  Historically, a “talent” was actually a large sum of money, however since Jesus loved to teach using parables, this was never really about the money!  Still the comparison is important to understand because of how it relates to us and our relationship with God.

Here is some history regarding the setting of His story:

The outward framework of the parable lies in the Eastern way of dealing with property in the absence of the owner. Two courses were open as an approximation to what we call investment. The more primitive and patriarchal way was for the absentee to make his slaves his agents. They were to till his land and sell the produce, or to use the money which he left with them as capital in trading. In such cases there was, of course, often an understanding that they should receive part of the profits, but being their master’s slaves, there was no formal contract.

The other course was to take advantage of the banking, money-changing, money-lending system, of which the Phoenicians were the inventors, and which at the time was in full operation throughout the Roman empire. The bankers received money on deposit and paid interest on it, and then lent it at a higher percentage, or employed it in trade, or (as did the publicani at Rome) in farming the revenues of a province. This was therefore the natural resource, as investment in stocks or companies is with us, for those who had not energy to engage in business.” (11)

The “talents” represent the gifts God’s given each of us –   

“By the talents here we are to understand gifts or endowments conferred for a spiritual end, powers of body and mind, abilities natural and acquired, health, strength, long life, understanding, judgment, memory, learning, knowledge, eloquence, influence, and authority over others, wealth, privileges, or offices, civil or religious, and indeed every power and advantage of which a good or bad use may be made.” (12)

Jesus’ particular comparison of our gifts with large lump sums of money given to us, spoke to me deeply as I’ve been researching and studying for this post.  It’s as if He wants us to look at what He’s already given us – our specific gifts, artistic abilities, talents, etc. as we would a hundred thousand dollars in the bank.  We often feel so ill-quipped for the task, so wrongly chosen!  But we forget that it’s Him who has already equipped us – if we were able to do it all on our own ability, how would He receive the glory?  Throughout the ages, God has made it His signature move to call people who never thought they’d be the right one for the job.  The surprise of having God call you to do something that you’ve never expected yourself to do is bewildering and even terrifying.  Yet He expects us to use our gifts, skills, abilities, talents, hobbies, passions, and even connections to invest them in different avenues so that we can multiply our return on those investments for His sake!  Everything we do is ultimately done for the glory of God, and can be used to further His Kingdom.  Whatever impact we have in our sphere of influence, He wants us to use it to glorify Him.  Whether it’s teaching children, teaching Bible studies, cooking, drawing, sewing clothes, taking care of little children, taking care of our own families, or painting, God has a unique plan for the gifts He’s given us.

In plain speak, this parable is calling us to take seriously the work we do to further His Kingdom.

*

Whatever we do, we must do it well, and to the best of our ability because God is our Master.  It’s not acceptable to hide our talents, to squander the gifts He’s given us.  We will all be called to account at the end of our lives like the servants were, when we’ll have to answer to God for what we chose to do as stewards over our lives.  It’s incredible to think about the fact that we’ve all been given a specific blessing!  No matter who you are, no matter if you’ve realized it or not; God has a specific and glorious work for you to do for His Kingdom!

A warning against comparison –

This doesn’t mean that all our ministries will look the same, we are different parts of the Body of Christ, fitted to do drastically different works and functions.  Whatever your specific work is, be assured that it is precious and valuable in God’s sight.  The servants in the parable were given different amounts of talents, each according to their ability.  This is huge and so important to comprehend!  Some were given more gifts than others, and some less so.  One might be tempted to say that this means God isn’t fair or just – otherwise He would give everyone the same amount to work from.  In my opinion, this parable actually proves how just God is: that He only expects from us what He knows we have the ability to produce!  His fairness comes into play in that He never expected the servant with the one talent to be able to produce 10 like the first did.  He takes into account our weaknesses and humanity.  He takes into account our discipline and proven record of stewardship.  If we’re faithful over a little, He promises to give us more to be responsible for.  This is why we’re not supposed to look at another woman and compare ourselves with what she’s able to accomplish (more or less) than what we’re accomplishing in our lives.  Our focus should be on our own spiritual development and industry of our talents.

I’m curious to know what was really going on in the last servant’s mind.  Was he focusing on how he’d only been given one talent compared to the others? Did he feel disadvantaged?  Ill-equipped?  He said he was afraid of the Master judging him if he didn’t at least preserve what he’d been given stewardship over.  Isn’t that a bit like us when we say to ourselves that we don’t want that extra responsibility?  That extra liability?  When we lack faith in what God’s done for and in us?  That if we dare to step out in faith and teach that class, write that book, start a small business, invite those neighbors over, help when we can meet a need, make that first move toward whatever ministry we’re called into, we don’t even try because we may be judged a failure for it?  That was the main excuse of the last servant, but he paid dearly for it in the end!

Comparison binds us and can prevent us from fulfilling the will of God for our life.  Satan would love for us to compare ourselves to what others are given or able to do, and come up short, discouraged, and ultimately, defeated.  He wants us to have a fear of failure so that we’re never brave enough to even start!  He wants us to be the opposite of what God has planned out for our lives: Unfruitful, unproductive, not letting our lights shine, miserable, and taking longer, more painful routes than needed on our journey.

*

The devastation of a missed blessing –

Now that we’ve looked at the possibilities of why the last servant chose to bury his talent rather than use it to produce more for God, let’s focus in on the end goal of why this lesson is important.  When we refuse to act on what we know God’s called us to do, when we run away from His purpose for our life, rather than embrace it whole-heartedly, when we are too insecure that God could or would ever use us, or afraid that He’ll judge us harshly if we fail along the way… we are setting ourselves up for the devastation of a missed blessing!  When we use our gifts to bless our families or the people whom God puts in our path, we are actually receiving a blessing ourselves.

It’s in the giving!

‘Well done, good and faithful servant.  

You have been faithful over a little; I will set you over much.

Enter into the joy of your master.

Receiving those words at the end of our life when we’ve completed this marathon race with perseverance, having not given up or given way to fear, are what we’re hoping for.  Setting our eyes on the “prize,” as Paul refers to it, helps us keep our focus and purpose clear, rejecting the weights that would pull us down, make us slower, and distract us from the path of righteousness.

 

The Proverbs 31 woman’s main ministry –

Let’s not forget what we learned about at the beginning of this series:

“Her main ministry is to do her husband good and not evil, if she succeeds at anything else, and yet fails in this area of serving her husband, she has lost everything because she’s failed to maintain the most important relationship on earth that God has given her.”

This again is so beautifully displayed within the Parable of the Talents.  Not everyone will be able to handle extra ministries around their church on top of having toddlers.  Not everyone will be able to manage a full-time business that brings in money to bless her family, and also have babies.  There are some women can do those things and do them well, but it’s my opinion they’ve been blessed with a “talent” that is rather rare, and God knew they would be a good steward over this added responsibility because of their personality type or discipline.  The more normal example to see is productiveness based on the different seasons of life, however we have to keep in mind that our main ministry is to do our husbands good (look back over that chapter if you want to refresh your memory, “good” encompasses a whole lot!).  Simply just managing to be the best wife and mother to your children may be all that you are able to handle at this time, and that is totally ok!  You’re working for God’s approval, not for another woman’s opinion on your life.  If we’re tempted to compare ourselves with someone else able to do more, we have to keep in mind the season of life we’re in, and our own particular strengths and weaknesses.  God doesn’t want to burden us down with expectations that we can’t meet, and He knows what we can and cannot do.  If He had expected the servant with the one talent to produce as much as the servant given 5 talents, our God would be a harsh and cruel Master.  But that’s not how the story goes, He is compassionate and takes into account our natural abilities and gifts when He judges how much we’re able to produce for Him.  A woman with young children may not be able to spend her time volunteering or making substantial money, but she may have just enough time to deeply study God’s word and prepare lessons to teach it to her children.  A woman in the middle of growing her family may not be able to write books and teach a woman’s Bible study, but she may be able to give to those in need when the opportunities come up, or carefully plan out how to bring extra meals when a woman in their church needs assistance.  We all need different amounts of rest and sleep, just like we all have different amounts of discipline and energy.  The most important thing is that we’re working on and cultivating the blessings and gifts God has already given to us, and doing our best to serve Him with them.

Lydia a woman faithful over her talents – 

Let’s look again to another woman from the New Testament, a rather obscure woman like Tabitha, who was yet again, another example of a real life Proverbs 31 woman.  When we looked at Tabitha, we saw a loving, kind woman who spent her time giving herself fully to mission work, and making clothing for the persecuted Christians in need and widows of Joppa.  Lydia at first glance, is so entirely opposite of Tabitha it’s striking.  This is a great example of how becoming a Proverbs 31 woman will look different for each of us, according to the plans God has for us.  It’s not known whether Tabitha was rich or poor, and some scholars have debated either way, however, Lydia, we know, was a very wealthy woman.

According to Acts 16, Lydia was a seller of that same strange, brilliant color we learned about before; the same color that the Proverbs 31 woman dressed herself in: purple.  Placed in the right region at the right time, Lydia was a resident of Thyatira, an ancient Greek city in what we now know of as modern day Turkey.  Thyatira was known for it’s many “guilds,” which were medieval associations of skilled artisans or merchants, and that often had considerable power (13).  Lydia more than likely belonged to one of Thyatira’s most powerful and influential guild, the Dyers Guild.  Because Thyatira’s waters were so perfect for dyeing, the city produced indigo, scarlet, and purple dyes, with the latter making the city famous among the region.

Again we are faced with the strange element of where the spiritual meets the secular world.  The examples of this in the Bible are always important because they teach us how to be in the world, but not of the world.  Having now studied deeply in the last chapter, the sheer status symbol of this color purple, of the wealth and secular usage behind it’s being purchased, sold, or worn, it again reminds us of what truly matters to God.  Lydia was immersed in the secular world of fashion, outward appearance, the arts, brilliant and costly dyes, and great wealth obtained from selling purple.  And yet we’re told that this woman loved God and was capable of opening her heart to him!  Let’s look at the passages to learn more about this woman:

Acts 16:12-15 (NLT)

12 From there we reached Philippi, a major city of that district of Macedonia and a Roman colony. And we stayed there several days.

13 On the Sabbath we went a little way outside the city to a riverbank, where we thought people would be meeting for prayer, and we sat down to speak with some women who had gathered there. 14 One of them was Lydia from Thyatira, a merchant of expensive purple cloth, who worshiped God.

As she listened to us, the Lord opened her heart, and she accepted what Paul was saying.

15 She and her household were baptized, and she asked us to be her guests.

“If you agree that I am a true believer in the Lord,” she said, “come and stay at my home.” And she urged us until we agreed.

The impression Lydia made on the missionaries was so welcoming that they actually returned to her house to receive rest after their imprisonment in Philippi for preaching the gospel.  Her gift of hospitality to God’s messengers was greatly needed and appreciated!

Acts 16:40 (NLT)

40 “When Paul and Silas left the prison, they returned to the home of Lydia. There they met with the believers and encouraged them once more. Then they left town.”

Paul also writes to the believers of Philippi (Lydia being one of the prominent women of the church), in his letter written from a jail cell, at the end of his life to the Phillippians.  If you read closely, you can almost hear the affection in his words for the believers:

Philippians 1:3-10

Every time I think of you, I give thanks to my God. Whenever I pray, I make my requests for all of you with joy, 5 for you have been my partners in spreading the Good News about Christ from the time you first heard it until now. And I am certain that God, who began the good work within you, will continue his work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns.

So it is right that I should feel as I do about all of you, for you have a special place in my heart. You share with me the special favor of God, both in my imprisonment and in defending and confirming the truth of the Good News. God knows how much I love you and long for you with the tender compassion of Christ Jesus.

9 I pray that your love will overflow more and more, and that you will keep on growing in knowledge and understanding. 10 For I want you to understand what really matters, so that you may live pure and blameless lives until the day of Christ’s return.

Lydia’s occupation as a seller of purple might have been a “questionable” calling to the Pharisees, but we can’t deny that her simple yet powerful example has been put in the Bible for our betterment.  Blogger Heather Whidden has a unique perspective on this “unlikely meeting,”

“Consider for a moment how unlikely it is that this meeting even took place to begin with. Lydia, a seller and producer of the much-coveted color purple that can only be afforded by the wealthiest, the Roman elite, crosses paths with Paul, the most influential apostle of Christianity at a river. That’s about as likely as Billy Graham meeting Vera Wang at the local bus station. And yet, this is where God chose to open the door for the gospel to be taken to the hearts of the Roman world and beyond; in the heart of a woman who sold purple.” (14, Emphasis mine)

Because of Lydia’s unique position in society, having influence and access to multiple sellers of the dyes and clothing, as well as her belonging to the Dyer’s Guild, she would be in the perfect place to bring the gospel to people who could spread it even further through their trade.  When the Lord opened her heart after hearing Paul speak at the river, we see that she grew an immediate desire to give the gift of hospitality to the missionaries.

Let’s look at a few things in common between Lydia and our Proverbs 31 woman:

  • They both show the gift of hospitality
  • They are both godly women with whom God is pleased
  • They both are humble and pure in spirit
  • They are both dealers or sellers of the expensive purple cloth
  • They may both be women who wore this purple color in their clothing choices
  • They both use their talents to obtain wealth that they use in turn to bless others
  • They are both good stewards over their talents and skills, being mindful to use them to further God’s Kingdom

Lydia’s work brought in blessings which in turn, blessed the believers of the new church!  God used the rather secular work of one woman, who was being faithful over the stewardship He had given her, to reach many others throughout the region!  Let’s never discount the affect we can have when we choose to be productive servants, and use our gifts and talents for God’s glory to encourage others and bring them closer to His will for them!

Next we’ll be looking at how the Proverbs 31 woman’s proceeds are used to bless not only her family, but also paved the way for her to reach out to the poor (verse 20), and the needy.

 

Interesting/cited Articles –

  1. Adam Clarke Commentary
  2. The Middletown Bible Church
  3. Matthew Poole’s Commentary
  4. Tabitha: A woman who lived for Jesus
  5. Beautiful in God’s Eyes by Elizabeth George
  6. Natural History by (Henry) Pliny the Elder
  7. Matthew Henry’s Concise Commentary
  8. Greek Lexicon
  9. The History of Purple Cloth & Fabrics
  10. Hebrew Lexicon
  11. Elicott’s Commentary for English Readers
  12. Benson Commentary
  13. Lydia Bible Gateway
  14. The Power of Purple

Applications will be written into the individual posts during the next few weeks