Female Behavior & Social Media

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The Harpy

Social media behavior fascinates me, and fortunately it’s been around just long enough that we’re starting to see the beginning of what I expect to be a long list of research opportunities on how people behave while on it.  If you’ve been a long-time reader, you’ll know I’ve been interested in why women feel the emotion envy, for awhile.  It’s probably because I’ve never really understood it.  If someone is doing a great job, or having good things happen in their life, why would another person not be happy for them?

I’ve cataloged how odd this plays out online in a few articles, like when women look down on married couples who are actually happy in their relationship and show only each other’s best sides, or when just viewing your News Feed puts you in a negative and depressed mood due to other’s happiness.    Whether you’re a wife choosing not to air your dirty laundry for the public to see, or are criticized as being “fake,” because you don’t want to embarrass your husband, or are simply perplexed to find that other people’s happiness should make you feel depressed, you’re in the right place!

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“You happily married couples can’t really be that happy (we realistic ones know you’re lying to us),

plus you make me feel bad because my marriage isn’t like that.

You’re faking it in your photos and not being “real,”

let me show you what IS real by posting negative sh-t about my husband and I publicly.”

***

When I’ve researched into who is saying things like this quote above, the women who say they secretly hate their positive facebook friends, it’s almost always women who are (self-reporting as) deeply unhappy in their own lives; many are in fact, divorced and trying to survive single-motherhood.  Of course seeing beautiful, happy families makes them feel pain and sadness… and of course seeing a good husband show his wife how much he loves her, leaves them feeling sick.  Hope deferred makes the heart sick (Proverbs 13:12), and feeling the pain of that loss, or maybe the pain of never having it at all, is normal.  It’s ok to grieve when appropriate, but it’s crucial to learn how to redirect those feelings and emotions into something positive and graceful.  Otherwise, the intense feeling of pain can quickly turn into self-pity, which then often crosses into bitterness and anger, things that leave you vulnerable to demonic strongholds.

Here is a quote from one such divorced, single mom becoming bitter over her happily married friends –

“I’m also a Michigander but moved to Connecticut in 2001 when my now ex-husband went to school here! I am like you–brutally honest. I think it’s part of our culture. And that’s why I sometimes hate Facebook! Being divorced makes me feel like a loser when I see all these “happy” couples’ pictures posted for SEVEN days in a row! It feels self-serving–like it’s validating to them. But the people are truly good and close friends, so I can’t be (but want to) be honest like you! I have a 9 year old with autism and felt like such a fake liar when I posted the Motherhood Challenge with pictures of a happy, cooperative child. Reality is that he hits me, swears, spits, and has massive meltdowns sometimes. You are right reality is not as pretty. It certainly never gets a “like” or even a “dislike” because reality is a bummer.

No one wants reality from a single mom with special needs who now lives 800 miles from her family and has to face this life on their own. So, to keep my image, I guess I play the pretty picture game too and hope that one day my true feelings won’t come out! Thanks for being honest!”

Her story is hard, and I’m sure having an autistic child IS extremely difficult and involves lots of suffering on her part.  The key is though, choosing what you focus on DOES improve even a situation as bad as that.  Look at people all throughout history who had severe mental and emotional or physical handicaps, who when their caregiver had a better mindset, they achieved much more than what doctors thought would ever be capable.  Miracles have happened with children like this, but mostly it’s only when they had a caregiver who self-sacrificed over and over and over again, giving them the gift of unconditional love and humanity.  I know it’s hard for women to hear this, but accepting the difficulties of one’s life (carrying your cross), as well as choosing not to complain about how hard you have it, IS worth trying to obtain as part of spiritual and personal growth.  Like I said above, self-pity is not good.  The bitterness it can bring from dwelling on how unfair life is opens the door to more spiritual attacks and demonic influence into your life.  Because of all this, trying to give women in positions like this, short-cut answers to their problems by saying those happy couples are “fake,” is enabling them – not helping them to deal correctly with their own problems (like having a special needs child).  The suffering they’re already going through is then compounded by their own bitterness and disappointment in life. 

Allowing themselves to become bitter over how unfair life is, or develop feelings of hostility toward their happily married friends, only makes their own lives that much harder!

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It’s Coming from Hatred & a Root of Bitterness

The argument for sharing your husband’s flaws publicly online (or flat out humiliating him) has seemed to come from a concocted desire to appear more “real” and to show all of the sides of marriage – and to show-up those wives who only post the positive things!  The problem with this rationale is that it should be socially understood that no one is perfect, that everyone may have some issues sometimes and that marriage, because it is so intricately relationship-based, obviously takes hard work.   Choosing not to show this side publicly when it could harm or humiliate your husband, but rather focus on the positive, beautiful things in life and your marriage (or about your mate), shows wisdom, self-control, and discretion.

And as far as one’s marriage goes, when you love your spouse, you don’t want to air their issues online on your social media platforms.  In a trustworthy marriage, your husband should be able to feel totally safe with what you choose to share online publicly – because he knows without a doubt, that you have his back and are making wise decisions on his behalf.   Like we learned in the Proverbs 31 series, the heart of her husband safely trusts in her, and because she is his wife, he lacks for nothing good.   When we post things that show him in a bad light, no matter how humorous or “well-intentioned,” we tell ourselves we’re being, the consequences could be damaging to his reputation, image, or even his career, which means we’re actually harming him in the long-run, and for social media “likes,” at that!

“His honor, respect and privacy must be sacrificed so she can compete with the other women by being “more real,” than the ones who post only happy and positive things about their spouses.” 

From here

But wanting to show what “real” marriages look like, as much as these women claim their goal is, is not what this is about.  I used to naively believe that was their actual intentions, but over the years it’s become more and more clear that this attitude is coming from a root of bitterness and even hatred.

“You just hit the nail on the head!

I was so irritated seeing everyone’s posts about love your marriage (from the Love Your Spouse Challenge).

Most of the time I’m irrated at my husband.

How about a hate your spouse challenge?”

-Carla Burke (from here)

Why some women act like this though, is VERY interesting to me.  Why do some feel like everyone should post negative stuff about their mate or marriage?

Because seeing others unhappy or having problems in their lives or marriages, makes these women feel better about their own selves, or about the state their marriage is currently in.  It all comes back to the emotion I’ve studied for years now, envy.

Envy is more than jealousy, it is a painful emotion of which the Bible says is like rottenness to the bones.  While jealousy may come from a valid place of wanting what rightfully should belong to you and you alone (ie: God being jealous for our love), envy is wanting what another has which you have no right to want (ie: coveting something that someone else has earned or is in possession of).  It seems to be capable of completely enveloping a person, and grows the more they focus on the object of their envy and hatred.  The cure is found first in repentance, and focusing on your own life, living in gratitude to God for the gifts He’s given to you, and then choosing to live a life that pleases Him, instead of become embittered by whatever you believe He’s withheld from you.

Beauty, Goodness, & Happiness Often Evoke Envy

All throughout time, there have been countless stories in literature (be it biblical, classical, or in nearly every fairy tale) of women who were either good/beautiful/happy and somewhat naive, and women who gave themselves over to envy over the one who was good/beautiful/happy.  There were women who displayed qualities that seemed almost irresistible to the heroic man in their life, and then the women who played the Evil Stepmother, or the Evil Queen, or the Harpy.  This is something that goes far beyond social media, because it is a heart issue… a feature, not a bug, built into humankind.

Sometimes we get glimpses into what “triggers” these women to act out of their envious behavior, like in this real life example below of a woman’s Instagram post, “making” another woman feel inferior.

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So what are reactions like this based on?

“You seem to represent an almost impossible-to-attain portrait of womanhood, and as a woman, I honestly find many of your photos unsettling.”

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“Something about your photos makes feel strangely depressed/inadequate and I’m alarmed by my own reactions.”

It’s the beauty.  The artistic perfection… the woman’s elegance… her refinement.  It’s all the aforementioned put together that make her realize her reaction is not accounted for, or “alarming,” and worrying to her, as it should be.  It’s also this fact (that the pictures show beauty, perfection, elegance, and refinement) that makes her admit that the woman’s photos are amazing work:

“That being said, this is truly great work and I applaud your abilities.”

What a 180 right?  We just got an inside look at how emotionally tormented a woman feels when presented with someone who awakens feelings of envy.  When another woman is “outside her comfort-zone better than her” in some kind of way, it can be almost impossible for her to appreciate the beauty and goodness due to the painful or “alarming” feelings that may come up.

Even though she’s able to realize at the end of her comment that her observations are “alarming” and coming from a place of feeling depressed/inadequate, she still demands that this woman answer for why she’s “making” the commenter feel thing way, as though this artist can really control this stranger’s feelings.  It’s a normal thing for women (or men) who feel envy, to blame the object of their envy for “making” them feel that way, or “inciting” it with pictures of beauty in their life.  

“Ultimately, while people use social networks to keep in touch with friends and family, seeing those people happy often have negative effects on them.”

From research study here

But even if another woman’s pictures on social media aren’t “perfect,” just seeing other people be happy eventually may become a negative experience for women with this problem.  It doesn’t take artistic perfection, for some even seeing other moms out and happy with their kids or husband, evoke strong emotions of envy.

What is the real problem here?

Envy is literally as old as Cain, from one of the first Bible stories when he felt envy at his brother Abel’s approval by God.  Abel didn’t “make” Cain feel envious or bad about himself, Cain’s lack of self-improvement and desire to please God made his offering undesirable, and pale in comparison to Abel’s offering and disposition.

I used to feel sorry for women like this, because I know envy is a painful emotion to feel (and why not be happy for people who are happy?!?), but now I’m beginning to understand how women who don’t deal with their envy appropriately are not victims, they often know what they’re choosing and seek to place blame elsewhere to hide what they know they feel (the hatred or bitterness).  This behavior is not benign, as it tears apart the fabric of our society in a myriad of ways, harming the future of our children and grandchildren by working to dismantle social norms (think things like fat acceptance, obesity disability, welfare, hostility toward in-tact families, etc.).

If everyone engaged in envy whenever a someone does something praiseworthy or beautiful or inspiring or artistically stunning, our society would be utterly ruled by the ugliness and the decay of the miserable and self-centered.  If any attempt to be better personally – be it spiritually, mentally or physically, or create something beautiful, is squashed by miserable women who claim your attempts to better yourself makes them feel unhappy or ashamed of their own failures, then our civilization’s beauty, art, music, and literature will suffer… and it has.

When God dealt with Cain’s feelings of envy, before he murdered Abel (and there was still a chance for him to turn the situation around by making the right choices), God did not treat Cain like a victim of his own envy.  The Bible says Cain felt anger that Abel’s offering was accepted by God (and his was not), and looked dejected (he pouted).

Then the LORD said to Cain,

“Why are you furious?  And why are you dejected?  If you do right, won’t you be accepted?

But if you do not do right, sin is crouching at the door.  Its desire is for you, but you must master it.”

Genesis 4:6-7

God warns Cain that he is on the brink of becoming “had” by sin, which is figuratively crouching at his door ready to overcome him.  God also commands Cain to “master it.”  This may explain why it can feel so hard for women who deal with this problem to eradicate their feelings of envy, because they have to learn how to “master it.”

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Envy Greatly Affects Women in Real Life

This point, that giving in to envy and allowing it to control your interactions with others online or in real life, harms you and others, is the most important point we should know.  Because it’s a heart issue, and not computer or social media-related, it’s not something that’s just going to go away when you step offline.  It has to be recognized and dealt with in one’s real life as well.

The problem with envy though, is that women (and men) who give in to this emotion and sin, often do not feel any remorse whatsoever.  It is usually coupled with pride in that they feel right to feel embittered, and therefore it’s hard to get them to care or sympathize with how their actions may impact themselves or others.

In fact, studies have proven that people who feel envy (in real life as well as online), actually have been found to report feeling happy when something bad happens to the person they envy – something bad enough to “put them in their place,” so to speak.  It is also linked with efforts to try to harm that person in real life, due to schadenfreude (joy at other people’s misery).  And if that isn’t depressing enough, another study shows us that only 50% of our “friends” on social media actually like us, or feel the same reciprocal kind of friendship feelings we feel toward them.  This would probably account for why those people aren’t happy for their friends’ happiness.  If they don’t even “like” them, then of course they may not feel happy when seeing their social media “friends” happy.

It’s the whole crab-basket effect, which Ian Ironwood explains in detail.

So for over 30 years, more than an entire generation, we’ve seen women at work, women in management, women “competing in a man’s world” . . . even though the “man’s world” looks more feminine than ever.
So . . .how’s that working out for women?
Turns out . . . not so good.  
Dr. Peggy Drexler has published two pieces back-to-back discussing the complexities of women working with women.   The result isn’t pretty . . . and pretty much validates everything I’ve said about the Female Social Matrix.  Also known as the Crab Basket.

If you aren’t familiar with the term, it’s a metaphor for how women relate to other women— how they self-organize, socially.

Thankfully not all woman are like this I’ve found!  Social media does seem to create more opportunities for women who wouldn’t be like this in real life, to let themselves give in to this sin where the consequences aren’t as tangible.  But they do have consequences, women who act like this online still have an overall negative affect on society, because it pulls manners and morality down to a more primal (it’s you or me) level, instead of a more civilized view of if we all do our best to succeed, we’ll produce a more beautiful and loving society.

It happens in Real Life far more than you’d imagine

Recently I happened upon a 3-year-old article where a mother was describing how simply having a good, positive and happy play-date for her daughter and a friend turned into something she was made to feel shame over.

When the mom came back I invited her in for a few minutes. She smelled the aroma of fresh-baked cookies and saw the kids happily playing and said, “Wow, you go all out for playdates. I just usually throw some goldfish at them.”

I felt a little surprised at the disdain I heard in her voice, but when I snapped back into reality I instantly went into defense mode, which for me is self-deprecation in overdrive.

“Oh, Gak is just glue and detergent and I had promised my kids we would do it, and the cookie dough was leftover and my kitchen never looks like this normally but we have company coming over tonight and…” I rambled on like an idiot. Because apparently being a good mom is something I did to offend her.

I felt shamed for doing something fun for my kids—and hers. Shame for even trying to be a good mom. Trying to be good actually brought out the worst in both of us.

This happened to me a lot over the years.  I have heard comments about volunteering too much at my kids’ school,or hosting too nice of parties or making a Pinterest-inspired handmade soccer cookie (one time).

Most people are appreciative, but there are always others that say something along the lines of, “Way to make the rest of us look bad!”

Sadly, this behavior really isn’t just relegated to social media alone.  It seems there will always be women who punish other women who aspire to do good, to be happy, to make beautiful things themselves, or to even make playdates for children happy and pleasant.

The female mantra even all throughout literature, seems to be “do your best, but don’t you dare do too much better than me!”  Instead of women being genuinely happy for each other when another succeeds, if it’s “too much” for one in particular, she’ll deem it as “bad” somehow.

In the past few years of blogging, I’ve seen how this even applies to women in the Bible, particularly the Proverbs 31 woman since she is the idealistic representation of what us wives should look up to and feel inspired by.  Even a decade before I started writing my series, there were already books and articles out there online with Christian women sarcastically slamming the Proverbs 31 wife as an unrealistic “super mom.”  Yes, I’m being serious!  Christian women regularly would mock and put down an entire passage in the Bible, mostly because they said it made them feel “pressured” or “inferior!”  Whether we’re told we’re Pharisees for seeing beauty in this biblical passage, or when we’re told to “Stop Obsessing” over her, or to “Rethink” her character to be a “fictional” one in order to downplay what the Bible calls us as wives to try to emulate and grow into, it’s downright getting rarer and rarer to find someone promoting her as real and what God wants us to take seriously.

It always seemed so strange to me that Christian women would actively hate the Proverbs 31 passage, or seek to ridicule anyone who wrote on it thinking it was applicable to today.

But after reading this article, do you still wonder why?

 

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Stephanie

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Abigail – The Scandalous Wife?

This study of David, Nabal, and Abigail has been truly enlightening for me.  Having studied it a few times before, I thought I had a decent grasp on the story, but it’s been particularly interesting looking into the hearts of David and Nabal, where they were at emotionally and spiritually in the way they spoke to each other, and the ramifications of giving in to folly that this lesson teaches us.

And now we will look at the second part of the story, the part where Abigail steps in, and in her wisdom and insight, giving the longest speech by a woman ever recorded in the Bible, is able to help both of these men from the fates of foolishness. 1 Samuel 25:12

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Davids men retraced their steps.  When they returned to him, they reported all these words.  He said to his men, “All of you, put on your swords!”

So David and all his men put on their swords.  About 400 men followed David while 200 stayed with the supplies.

One of Nabal’s young men informed Abigail, Nabal’s wife:

“Look, David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our master, but he yelled at them.  The men treated us well. When we were in the field, we weren’t harassed and nothing of ours was missing the whole time we were living among them.  They were a wall around us, both day and night, the entire time we were herding the sheep.

Now consider carefully what you must do, because there is certain to be trouble for our master and his entire family.  He is such a worthless fool nobody can talk to him!”

Abigail hurried, taking 200 loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five butchered sheep, a bushel of roasted grain, 100 clusters of raisins, and 200 cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys.  Then she said to her male servants,

“Go ahead of me. I will be right behind you.”  But she did not tell her husband Nabal.

As she rode the donkey down a mountain pass hidden from view, she saw David and his men coming toward her and met them.  David had just said,

I guarded everything that belonged to this man in the wilderness for nothing.  He was not missing anything, yet he paid me back evil for good.  May God punish me, and even more if I let any of his men survive until morning.”

When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off the donkey and fell with her face to the ground in front of David.  She fell at his feet and said,

The guilt is mine, my lord, but please let your servant speak to you directly.  Listen to the words of your servant.  My lord should pay no attention to this worthless man Nabal, for he lives up to his name.  His name is Nabal, and stupidity is all he knows.  I, your servant, didn’t see my lord’s young men whom you sent.  Now my lord, as surely as the Lord lives, it is the Lord who kept you from participating in bloodshed and avenging yourself by your own hand.  May your enemies and those who want trouble for my lord be like Nabal.  Accept this gift your servant has brought to my lord, and let it be given to the young men who follow my lord.  Please forgive your servant’s offense, for the Lord is certain to make a lasting dynasty for my lord because he fights the Lord’s battles.  Throughout your life, may evil not be found in you.

When someone pursues you and attempts to take your life, my lord’s life will be tucked safely in the place where the Lord your God protects the living. However, He will fling away your enemies’ lives like stones from a sling.  When the Lord does for my lord all the good He promised and appoints you ruler over Israel, there will not be remorse or a troubled conscience for my lord because of needless bloodshed or my lord’s revenge.  And when the Lord does good things for my lord, may you remember me your servant.”

 

I don’t know about you, but when I read Abigail’s reply, I’m shocked and in awe of the enormous amount of humility and grace this woman shows when the natural response would be quite the opposite.  One might expect her to have gone to her husband in a mix of anger and panic, and rant and rave about his actions causing them all certain death.

But Abigail calmly and quietly prepares a great offering of foods as a generous gift to David and his men.  Although the situation is a dire crisis, she keeps her head and her cool, and boldly goes to meet David herself, confident in her intentions and his own goodness.

Abigail comes to David in humility and covers over her husband’s offense, even taking account for it – saying the guilt is hers!  Although I’ve seen her story used deceptively as a way to teach women that they can disrespect and dishonor their husbands if they believe they are acting foolishly, Abigail clearly honors and protects Nabal by covering his sin.

She also calms David’s anger by acknowledging his grievance against Nabal’s mistreatment of him – she acknowledges the fact that her husband is a fool, that his name even means “fool.”  This is not the same offense that is spoken of in Matthew 5:22

“But I say to you that everyone who continues to be angry with his brother or harbors malice against him shall be guilty before the court; and whoever speaks [contemptuously and insultingly] to his brother, Raca (You empty-headed idiot)!’ shall be guilty before the supreme court (Sanhedrin); and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of the fiery hell.”

-Jesus

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When Abigail refers to Nabal as being foolish (or acting in stupidity), it is not the same as her going to Nabal, and actually telling him “You were a FOOL to treat David that way!”  That particular response WOULD be disrespecting her husband and dishonoring him – speaking to him in a way that God would not be ok with.  Abigail explaining to David, in order to help him avoid reacting in equal folly as her own husband, that Nabal is “just a fool, not worthy of even paying attention to,” is morally right and beneficial in the situation, even honoring her husband in the way that she is preventing innocent blood to be on his hands because of his foolishness.  Matthew 5:22, however, is different from what Abigail did, calling someone something that condemning – telling it to them in a mean-spirited way, is akin to cursing them, something which was taken much more seriously in biblical culture, and something God clearly hates.  In Hebrew culture, if you cursed someone, and it was clear they didn’t deserve your curse, the words and meanings you spoke over their head would fall back onto yours.  Cursing another person was a serious, big deal, which is why Jesus Himself declared that if you called a person a fool, you’d be in danger of going to hell, and it should be noted that Abigail did not directly curse her husband in this way.  She instead used the fact of how he was conducting himself in order to prevent rash and unnecessary violence, and to prevent a good, righteous man from committing great sin.

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Oh to Have an Abigail When We Need One…

I can’t describe how much I would have longed to know and talk to Abigail, and I can’t wait until we get to Heaven so that I can meet her and get to know her soul.  How many times have you wished you had an Abigail to prevent you from reacting in anger or harshness in response to something that ultimately didn’t matter?  I know I’ve had many times where I could have used an Abigail, a person to remind me of God’s plan for my life – of my goodness and desire to be righteous, of my need to act how God would want me to, especially in times of anger.  This is one of the main reasons I believe we as Christians need godly mentors, and as wives, to trust and go to our husbands for their counsel and wisdom.

If you are married to a man (or wife) like Nabal, my heart breaks for you!  I cannot even imagine the pain and sadness you would endure over the years in being linked to a person with that degree of foolishness that they actually endanger your family through sabotaging their career, or endangering their life through their careless words and wickedness.  I’m blessed and humbled to have a wise and incredible man, he has been a wonderful help to me in shielding me from the words of people like Nabal, but he’s also counseled me in how to acknowledge a person’s foolishness so that I know what I’m dealing with, and be confident in disregarding whatever they say, knowing that this pleases God.

Abigail teaches us how to respond in grace and humility to the provocations of a foolish or wicked person.

Notice how she came to David to help him calm down in his anger:

  • First, her non-verbal display of showing him submission and honor, falling down before him – easing the hurt pride her husband’s careless words had caused David.  Our non-verbal responses are so important because if they don’t add up with what we are saying, they betray our message.  Her genuine care for David is shown more through non-verbal actions than even her words.  Her husband mocked who he was, degraded his reputation, and belittled his future anointing as King, but Abigail, in even just her non-verbal actions, undoes all those messages, and reaffirms her belief that David in good, honorable, and righteous.
  • She humbles herself, and takes the guilt of her husband onto herself.  A natural response for a wife in this situation would be to say that it’s her husband’s fault, and that she was innocent, but Abigail does the opposite!  She doesn’t blame her husband, but actually asks David to forgive her for his offense.  This honors her husband and also diffuses David’s anger, telling him to direct it at her instead.  It reminded me of an old story of a child, in their ignorance, doing something disrespectful in front of a king, and deserving death for the ignorant act.  The father runs up to the king, and covers his child both physically and emotionally, telling the king to put the blame on him, to punish him instead.  The father covers for the sin of the child, indeed, taking the sin upon himself because of his great love and devotion – because he didn’t want to see his child perish.  The king, affected by the display of love and affection by the father for his foolish child, pardons both and enjoys giving them forgiveness.
  • She tells him not to pay any attention to Nabal.  This is a very fundamental truth in understanding how to deal with a Proverbial Fool.  It’s not wise to take their words to heart, because they are only meant to insult or provoke, are meaningless, and provide no actual wisdom or insight.  The Fool is not seeking understanding, thus giving them the benefit of the doubt, trying to reason with them or even rebuking them only invites harm on oneself.  Even Biblically, you don’t respond unless it’s absolutely necessary.  You don’t pay them any attention, because they are not worth your time. You don’t give them any words of wisdom because they will only trample on them like pigs would on precious pearls.  When David found himself ruminating over Nabal’s wicked words mocking and insulting him, Abigail brought to light that Nabal’s words mattered very little in the course of David’s life and future.  He would likely never see Nabal again, Nabal’s acceptance or rejection of David didn’t matter.  In other words, when dealing with a Proverbial Fool, you don’t worry about whether or not they like you – you only care about what God thinks of you and if what you are doing glorifies and honors Him.
  • She reminds him that God wants more for him and from him.  Her reply is akin to her telling him in our modern language, “You’re better than that.”  She reminds him not to avenge Himself, but to leave room for God to, something that is repeated in Romans 12 in response to how we should treat our enemies – by not repaying evil for evil, but by “overcoming evil with good.”
  •  She offers him and his men a generous, tangible gift to nourish their hunger, something to remind them of God’s goodness and generosity.  There is just something very powerful about giving a good or well-timed gift, especially in a tense situation that can calm strife or anger, and bring people together.  But it’s worth noting that she doesn’t just come empty-handed, pleading for their lives, but comes bearing baskets of food overflowing from their celebration to comfort and still them – it could definitely be called a “peace offering.”
  • She verbally speaks blessings of affirmation over David, “for the Lord is certain to make a lasting dynasty for my lord because he fights the Lord’s battles.  Throughout your life, may evil not be found in you.”  She speaks confidently of God fulfilling His known promises to David, and assures him of the joy set before him.  This is just such a beautiful gift to a person in David’s situation – someone insulted, mocked, and ridiculed, denied what they arguably should have because of how they’ve acted in integrity.  He was condemned when he had done nothing wrong, was repaid evil for his goodness, something only a wicked person would do, but Abigail takes his mind off of his anger and pain, and assures him that he is doing right, that God is going to bless him immensely, and that his work and success (something that Nabal completely disregarded as worthless) was godly and would be rewarded.
  • She shows compassion and care for David’s personal and spiritual well-being – outright telling him that she doesn’t want him to have the weight of a guilty conscience because he acted rashly – or have the blood of innocents on his hand for having avenged himself.
  • She assures him that God is the ultimate avenger, and that God will deal with David’s enemies, even with Nabal. God is a righteous and just God, and He knows and weighs the motivations in people’s hearts.

 

Abigail protected and honored Nabal even though he was wicked and enjoyed dealing with others in an evil manner.  I think it’s safe to say that Nabal was probably not a man of God, but since the Bible doesn’t say either way, it is possible that he actually was a man who believed he knew God.  Obviously, even if a person believes they are a Christian, if they are continually acting sinfully and in an evil manner towards others, they have a Satanic stronghold in their life, and are not allowing the Holy Spirit to convict them so that they treat others appropriately.

I encourage you to read the end of the story if you aren’t already familiar with it.  David is blessed by Abigail’s appeal, and thanks her and blesses her in return for her discernment.  She returns home to find Nabal feasting, drinking, and celebrating, completely unaware of the terror that could have happened to him.  She waits until he’s sober the next morning to tell him what David was planning to do, and what she did to avoid their deaths.  Nabal has something like a heart attack that leaves him in a coma for 10 days, before the Lord strikes him dead.

When David finds out about Nabal’s death, he says,

“Praise the Lord who championed my cause against Nabal’s insults and restrained His servant from doing evil.  The Lord brought Nabal’s evil deeds back on his own head.”

David then sent for Abigail to become his wife.  And she accepted in grace and humility.

Trying to Confront a Husband on His Sinful Behavior

This is a GREAT video from the Peaceful Wife!  I love and adore April – how can anyone not love her after seeing her in this video.

Since we’re well into the holidays and these times can add extra stress with family or even our own husbands/wives, this is a great video about responding to other’s sin against you.  No matter who is sinning against you, it is crucial that YOU have self-control, display goodness even toward your offender, display PATIENCE, and LOVE toward your offender.

Listen to April’s words and video (16 minutes), and be refreshed dear, sweet reader!!  She’s got it right, and thank God she is allowing herself to be used in helping others to stay godly, to react godly, and to treat everyone with kindness and respect.

If you feel you are disrespecting your husband though, a video (for singles) that I thought went along with this discussion is also great: