Support Your Husband in His Mission

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This is just a glimpse of the story of the man, William Wilberforce, who fought against slavery in England – a fight that took his entire political career, and much of his health and wellness.

He was such a brave man – to go against so many who were for slavery when it was such an acceptable, totally normal evil that had been absorbed into their society.  And to stand the silence of those who in their hearts were against it, but would never dare speak publicly against it.  Knowing it would be the cross of his life to bear, he did it anyway.

The image above is from the sweet movie “Amazing Grace 2006.”  It’s a good synopsis of his political and personal life, with a focus on the kind of wife he had when he endured being an abolitionist.

The movie takes you through the passion of his youth,

the fever to want to change the world,

the anger that so many kept silent,

the rejection,

the humiliation,

the isolation,

the dejection,

the depression,

the anxiety,

the recurring bouts of serious illness,

the feeling chosen for this task,

the believing he was failing… even failing God in fulfilling his task.

Wilberforce had a passion for his mission that caused him to fight for 20 years before seeing it ever come to fruition!  He saw the abolitionist movement birth, then grow brighter like a flame… but then in the face of his country at war, he watched it’s supporters fall away, hide themselves in the hills, and refuse to support him publicly in the face of being labeled seditious.  Close friends like William Pitt, the man who became Prime Minister at the age of 24, who encouraged him to consider his participation in the Abolitionist movement as a work of God, weren’t able to openly support him any longer.

Isolation fell way to dejection, which overtime, fell way to despair.  His illness, caused by the immense stress of his mission, took over his mind and his body.

His friends and the people of his upper class were concerned that he was killing himself over his passion and mission.  They also didn’t understand his fervor for God – as evangelicals were ridiculed and criticized harshly in those times, and distrusted as “radicals,” by his Tory party.  The movie portrays his activities fairly accurately, based upon his diary entries.

He had so much opposition, that the great and renowned John Wesley, at the age of 87, wrote to him and said, “Unless God has raised you up for this very thing, you will be worn out by the opposition of man and devils. But if God be for you, who can be against you. . . .” [40].

Enter his future wife, Barbara Spooner, a beautiful, young, 20 year old (William was 37), who helped reignite his fire to change things.  To remind him of his worth.  To help him fight again, the good fight he almost gave up.  They had the same moral standings, Evangelical faith (when most were still of the Church of England), and vision for society, and she undoubtedly appreciated what he had already accomplished in his political career.

He fell in love with her, and proposed only 8 days after meeting her.

They married after a short, 1-month courtship, and then had 6 children in 10 years!  It is said that William relished being a father and having the joy of a family.  If anything, having his wife and children gave him more energy and passion to continue on in his mission – because it renewed his purpose to make the world (as much as he could) a better place.

In the 2006 movie, his wife’s role of drawing him out of depression and despair, nursing him while he was sick, and inspiring him to live without powerful (and dangerous) opiates, is one of the most beautiful facets of the entire movie!  Each time I’ve watched it, I’ve been so encouraged to renew my efforts in helping my own husband attain his goals and aspirations.

She believed in him when he needed it the most.  When no one seemed to be able to encourage him to continue, her faith in him somehow did.  It’s a remarkable thing to me, the power that a wife can have in helping her husband through rough patches in life.

I know I don’t often talk about my own personal struggle as a police wife, in part because it’s just such a public life and anything I say reflects back onto him – for good or for worse.  These past years have been very hard for everyone in policing – their children, their families, but especially the officers themselves.  Many have quit or chosen to retire early.  And who can blame them?

There were times when it was extremely difficult to see my husband serve what I thought, was such an undeserving society, and then I would be humbled by seeing how so many would pour out their love and support in letters to their police.  I had to take pictures of the many letters I ended up collecting one year for the officers at my husband’s sub, so that I could reread them when I was tempted to feel like he was fighting alone.

I know I’m selfish, but it’s hard to want to give my husband to people who don’t know him like I do, who don’t understand the incredible man they have, so selflessly serving them day in and day out.

Back when all the repeated officer deaths and shootings were taking place more frequently, I had a crisis-like moment where I had to make a choice to continue supporting him anyway (knowing he could be murdered), or to try to get him to do something else much safer.  Obviously my feelings and my “heart” wanted to stop supporting him in his mission and purpose.  It was very painful to watch him go through the emotions and difficulty he went through during those years, when officers were painted in the worst light possible, and then murdered for crimes they never committed.  It was hard to try to still believe that it was a cause worth fighting for.  It’s painful to support someone and love them so much, all while understanding that their purpose involved their possible death!

But his purpose was more than us, and more than even our kids having the certainty of a father!  Accepting this was difficult to say the least.  

Through lots of time with God and periodically asking mentors for prayers for peace during that time, I came to a place of accepting his calling as being something truly sacred.  He was, to put it bluntly, willing to die for the love of serving our city, because what he was doing – fulfilling a Romans 13 calling – represented more to him than even his own life.

***

What is your husband passionate about?  Is there anything he lights up when talking about?  Are you trying to support and encourage him, to listen and enjoy his thoughts on the subject?  If you don’t know what it is that your husband cares deeply about, why don’t you find out?

Maybe the things he used to feel passionate about, he’s lost hope in ever seeing come to fruition, like Wilberforce almost did.  Maybe his dreams and aspirations have withered away and have left him feeling empty inside.  I think it’s normal for a man who isn’t supported in this amazing way that a wife is able to do, to fall into depression or even apathy.  Life is so difficult, but I believe it’s even harder for people who have strong convictions and a sense of purpose – they’re more prone (I think) to depression and feeling like a failure.  We have so much power as women, to give inspiration and motivation to our men, but most of us don’t recognize this amazing power.

I believe God put that desire in every man, to long for a purpose and mission in this life, even if it seems minor to an outsider, or not as glamorous as someone famous from history – it is still important to your husband, so it should also be important to you.

***

 

When Women Come Between Man & His Mission-

Can a wife ever be her husband’s mission?  I know this probably sounds laughable 🙂 but trust me, I’ve seen many people write in such a way that you would believe that a wife IS supposed to be her husband’s sole purpose and mission to make happy in life.

No.  A woman can never be a man’s mission.  But it is surprising how often we see that in real life and in books or movies, and much to that man’s detriment.  Instead, it’s normal to see throughout history, examples where instead of like Wilberforce’s wife where she is able to support and ignite his passion again for his mission, we see women who derail, ridicule, or even despise her husband’s mission in life.

I worked with a man who had a wife like this.  Even though he was accomplished, smart, making good money and doing research that was his passion and mission in life, his wife would actually ridicule it at home and despised his purpose doing it.  She even refused to come to a public ceremony where he won an award for his research!  Again, history is rampant with wives like this though, so it’s not an uncommon thing to find women who have no appreciation for their husband’s passions and desires in life.

So be a woman who seeks to understand her husband in the deepest way possible.  And try to be diligent about not standing between him and his purpose in life, instead try to make it easier on him by showing him that you support him ❤ .

Here is a poem written back in 1649 by Richard Lovelace, about a man leaving his love because of his duty and honor to fulfill his mission in fighting a war he believed in.  Richard himself actually fought in the English Civil War on behalf of the King, so his poem springs from those experiences and emotions based in his reality.

To Lucasta, going to the Wars

Tell me not (Sweet) I am unkind,
That from the nunnery
Of thy chaste breast and quiet mind
To war and arms I fly.

True, a new mistress now I chase,
The first foe in the field;
And with a stronger faith embrace
A sword, a horse, a shield.

Yet this inconstancy is such
As you too shall adore;
I could not love thee (Dear) so much,
Lov’d I not Honour more.

Stephanie

 

Related Reading –

William Wilberforce

Peculiar Doctrines, Public Morals, and Political Welfare

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Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Actions Speak Louder Than Words

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This is a post I’m truly excited to write.  This phrase, Actions Speak Louder Than Words,” is something my mother told me ALL. THE. TIME.

She also would say,

“I’m sorry I can’t hear you – your actions are just too loud!!”

I didn’t realize how rare this was… to have a mom who actually held me accountable to what I said I would do – and who I said I wanted to be character-wise.  It’s normal I think for women to lack a sense of insight into what they’re actually doing – compared to what they say they want to do or are doing.  It’s a huge disconnect that is so strange to see from the outside.

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This is displayed when a woman does something that is obviously even painfully so disrespectful to her husband, and yet she’s submissive and Christian and otherwise looks like the perfect “quality woman.”  She often even says that she loves him, respects him, and submits to him, and yet does things that are just beyond disrespectful.

How can her mind be so disconnected from reality?

It’s because she was never held accountable for her actual actions,

yet was taught to say all the right things to cover the deception.

Yes, it’s a type of self-deception, basically being in denial.  In severe cases, it can even lead to someone living a double life, and not even truly being aware of how disconnected their life has become.

So be introspective, Sweet Girl.  And have many advisers/mentors who you can talk to and bounce ideas off of before you take action.  It may seem weird to other people, that you go to others you look up to and trust to see what they think about something, but trust me, it will strengthen you to know you have people backing you and supporting you in your decisions (and to feel like you had enough knowledge to make the right decision at that time).

Know that people will always judge you by your actions (as they should), and not by just the things you say.  This is critically important if you want to make an impact in your life for good.  You can’t just say the right words, without backing them up with the right actions.

If you want men you may be interested in, to take you seriously, you have to actually show them through your actions that you admire and respect them.  Words are completely meaningless to prove that kind of love.  You could have an entire blog professing your love to your husband, public to the world, and yet if you do not treat your husband respectfully at home, and in a myriad of other little ways in public, it will prove you a fraud.  Don’t put yourself and your family through that kind of pain by not living out your beliefs.

The only way to have integrity and respect in this life, is to back up your words with actions that prove them.

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I promise as your mother, to hold you accountable to your words and guide you along in this area as you grow.  I have no doubt that you will learn this well, and be able to exemplify it in your own life as you become the woman God wants you to be.

 

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Rescue a Good Man from a Woman Like This

 
To my daughter, this is a topic that I find very important in determining your future, and understanding the value you will bring to your future husband.  Please read this man’s comment about his experience living with a woman who literally destroyed his life.
I want you to find and marry a good man.  I want you, like your Grandmother wanted me, to find a man like this, and rescue him from this fate of marrying someone who will treat him in this way.
Good men like him deserve so much more.  And I want you to understand how to truly value your husband, as well as how to spot women like this who purposefully go after them in order to control them.  And when they can’t control them, they betray them in the most painful little ways that add up overtime, making their marriages needlessly painful over the decades of life.
This is his story of how he was failed by a pastor in allowing his wife to successfully execute her plan to control their marriage (and if not control it, then end it).  But I want you to focus on the wife’s descriptions, as well as the pain this man went through due to her choices and actions in their marriage. 
I want you to realize how valuable you will be as a wife to a man like this – you can become a “crown” to him, “more valuable than rubies,” like the Bible says, rescuing him from a woman like this who passive aggressively harms him year in and year out.
***
SaltMark says:

 

I knew Doug Wilson personally, for many years. I love him as a brother in Christ, but I have not liked him for many years.

I met Doug in the early 1980 soon after I had become a christian in the military. Doug is an ex Navy man who served on subs during the cold war. He led a scruffy and well grounded bible church in Moscow, Idaho that met on Sundays in a auto-body shop. On Sundays I would help other men push out the cars and sweep the floors and set up chairs. I was drawn to Doug’s preaching from the Scripture. He with authority from the word, and was not pretentious. He was educated and articulate yet down to earth. In those years, most folks attended, including Doug and the elders, wearing jeans, flannel shirts, etc. There was good expository teaching in those days and good hymns sung. He and the elders were a real spiritual blessing to the little flock of 75 – 100 saints.

I regularly attended Doug’s Wednesday night bible studies held in his small home. I ate it up. He was very good at explaining scriptural principles. Again good expository teaching and good exegetics. I am forever grateful to Doug for his repeated admonishment to not read commentary, but read the Bible. When finished, read it again, then again, and again. I took it to heart like nothing I ever had. I read the scriptures, then again, and again.

I met a young woman at that fellowship whom I had known at Moscow High School. We discussed marriage and the scriptural roles of men, women, husbands and wives. She agreed with these truths, i.e. the husband/father is the head of the relationship/family, the wife/mother is to submit to him. We received pre-marital counseling from Doug. We had him marry us. We embarked on our life together as one flesh, through rich or poor, sickness or health, until death should part us…

Early on a situation developed in our marriage where her mother became terminally ill. My wife was in graduate school where she had, prior to our marriage, signed a contract to complete certain research. We met with Dough and his wife (his wife only as hostess and friend to my wife) to find an answer to the question of whether or not it was moral to nullify the contract so that my wife could attend to her dying, mute, paralyzed mother in her last months of life. Doug said no, my wife should continue in school, so that in the future, if I should die or become disabled she could earn better money. I politely disagreed and pointed out Numbers 30:13 stating that a husband may void her vow once the vow is brought to his attention, as it was with me at that time. I had done what Doug had taught – read the word, and again, read the word. Doug stood up and left the room leaving the two of us alone with his wife. We left and I voided my wife’s contract. She cared for her mother.

We attended Doug’s church while I finished my degree, but I became unhappy with what became more and more heavy handed teaching. Make no mistake, Doug is a very charismatic speaker, using many cute, witty expressions and anecdotes, through which he garners a large, enthusiastic following. But I tired of this because I saw it as pandering.

Not too long into our marriage it became clear that my wife was a dyed-in-the-wool feminist. She came out of the closet, so to speak, with regard to many a shocking thing which cannot be mentioned. She was extremely contentious and fought endlessly (ultimately for thirty years) to have authority in the relationship and home using all sorts of sneaky tactics as well as passive-aggressive maneuvers. I would not yield. I had no idea what blue-pill or red-pill was, but because I held to sola scriptura, which resulted in me being red-pill. I was not the perfect husband for father, but I was a good one. I read the entire scripture to my wife and children, all seven, and instructed them at home, one the road to Walmart, at every turn. But I was not respected. She secretly poisoned half my children against me. I sensed for a long time that she wanted a divorce, but despite the fact that being married to her was like being in a three-legged race with a corpse, I would nonetheless die honoring my vow to the Lord.

I never spoke to outsiders about my relationship with my wife, or our family life. There was no abuse. We home-schooled all our children. I earned a six-figure income as a software engineer. But there was this constant rebellion, war of authority between me and my wife.

I started hearing rumors fed back to me, about me, from all sorts of people, local and far away. Friends, family, church acquaintances, pastors, even people I never met had “dirt” on me. My wife had carefully carried out a smear campaign on me.

I was utterly despised by her. Unbeknownst to me, over all the years of our marriage she had been in regular email and phone contact with the Wilsons, Doug, his brother, Evan, their father, Jim, and their wives, where she reported falsehoods about me and played the tragedy queen. She wasn’t haaaaaaaaaaapy, and literally coveted my God given authority over her and the family. She worked hard over the years to undermine me and divide our family so that today our children are separated from me and one from another. She nuked us. I had a heart attack and open heart surgery two weeks before our divorce hearing. In court my lawyer exposed her hugely falsifying her financial statements. The judge chose to ignore her lies. I was divorce raped.

What stings is that the Wilsons and the larger Churcian Church allowed a tattle-tale wife to spread falsehoods about our relationship yet never once contacted me to discuss any of it. She got the green light to divorce based upon her tales alone. They taught and encouraged her in christo-feminism. I had on three occasions appealed to different pastors and elders over the years, but I rebuffed and blamed for her sinfulness. I was ignorant about the take-over of the church by the feminists and white-knights, like Doug. I truly expected that these Christian leaders were reading the scripture, like I was, and understanding what it teaches. I expected them to back me up against my wife, enforce church discipline if necessary. I was so naive. No one had my back. I was isolated and destroyed, physically, emotionally and financially. Those men, those Christian leaders could have prevented the destruction of me, my wife and our family, but I consider them culpable for its death.

I eventually became formally red-pill thanks to Rollo Tomassi, Dalrock, Vox Day, and others. Today I’m especially thankful to Dalrock for calling out Doug more than once on his harmful duplicity and unbiblical teachings. I am a very humble man in speech and word and could never challenge Doug myself. There is great need among the brothers that these bad leaders be skillfully, biblically rebuked.

Again, thank you Dalrock. It helps to heal my wounded heart to see you so righteously take them to task.

I pray that Doug, his brother Evan, and his Father Jim, my brothers in Christ, would repent.”

***

Let’s talk about his comment –

When I was a pre-teen, my mom frankly stated to me that I should try to “rescue” a good man (like the one in the comment) from a controlling, passive aggressive woman like the one who literally ruined his life.

The way she explained it was that good men like that are actually PREY to women who know they can take advantage of his kindness and possibly naivety. 

She told me stories about women who went after good men in order to teach me what they looked like.  They tended to fall into two categories: the sexy, seductive adulteress, and the Christian, “submissive” controller.

  1. The Seductive Adulteress – this type of woman is the forbidden woman warned about in Proverbs 7.  Potiphar’s wife is an excellent example of the way this woman acts and behaves with complete disregard to her husband’s feelings or dreams or aspirations for their life together.  She is set on ruining it, due to her lust of other men and desire for adultery.  Potiphar was a good man, too good for his scheming, treacherous wife, but I was taught that women like her go after men like Potiphar by design.  Good, upstanding men like him are purposefully picked so that she can abuse his good character and integrity, knowing he would never have the “guts” to divorce her or call her out on her behavior.  She is usually a reprobate, meaning it’s very unlikely a wife like this can be “reformed,” even by Church intervention, although I’m sure sometimes God can redeem them (Gomer and Hosea).
  2. The “Submissive” Controller – the description submissive is placed in quotes because while this woman appears to be extremely nice and sweet and submissive to the public eye, at home, nothing could be further from the truth.  This kind of woman usually has a character disorder where her entire being is ruled by games of passive aggression, her husband being her main opponent (and only real witness to all her behaviors).  These women are often quiet, good church girls.  They abide by the rules, they marry as virgins – which is so rare these days and makes them stand out.  They have internal problems with pride, but overcompensate by displaying false humility.  They are a walking dichotomy, often living a double life.  Out in the public they are kind and caring and good-natured, leading Bible studies and even teaching other women how to be good wives.  But at home they are nit-picky, “sneaky” as the commenter said, passive-aggressives who are controllers, and who cause their husbands and children immense pain longterm (although it’s a silent killer, the pain isn’t all felt at once).  They often cast themselves as the “victim” to their husband’s faults, and the feeling of being a perpetual martyr causes them to seek out the “help” of other people either personally or via emails to all kinds of people, or by slowly poisoning his children against him. 😦  She is also the kind who takes her husband to their pastor to get him to “correct” him (AMOG him), getting the church or elders involved if she doesn’t agree with his leadership.

So you can see, this man was likely married to the second kind of wife, which unfortunately for him, is the hardest for good men to avoid because she’s living a lie, and practically “tricked” him into marriage.  He will say sometimes when they are fighting that he doesn’t know who the “real” her is… is she really the sweet, kind, gentle submissive wife he married?  Or is she the nit-picky, betraying, passive aggressive character, who acts “bitchy” when she knows she’s home alone and not being watched?  Because even she often cannot see that she’s living a double life due to having this character disorder, she truly believes her actions are “normal” and that all women are this way.

Both kinds of women make for a very difficult, tumultuous marriage, although with the first, everyone but the husband seems to know she is horrible to him.  While with the second type of wife, nobody but the husband tends to know how terrible she really is to him at home, as her double life is seamless and she keeps them both separate.

I’ve come across women like the “submissive” controllers that the commenter’s wife falls into; they have emailed me complaining about their husband’s bad habits or their mistreatment of them..  They would never come right out and attack their men in public, because that’s too openly aggressive, it’s more in small, personally betraying ways that only he feels the sting of, while no one else understands what’s really going on.

Like posting photos of his used condoms on the floor (yes, that’s the above pic, from here).  I spoke with this blogger privately via email about the way this photo came across, and her response was that her husband was completely fine with her post, he just felt worried someone may notice the used condom(s) on the floor. 

If anything embarrasses your husband, it’s probably a good idea to admit it was a dumb move and just take it down, but women like this don’t seem to be able to have empathy for their men’s feelings about her revealing things that should probably be kept private.  If he was posting pictures on his public social media sites that caught some of her used tampons on the floor, and then refused to take it down (because… the blog must go on), then possibly they’d be able to see the damage it does to their husbands’ reputations and ability to safely rest in their trust them overtime.

“I started hearing rumors fed back to me, about me, from all sorts of people, local and far away. Friends, family, church acquaintances, pastors, even people I never met had “dirt” on me. My wife had carefully carried out a smear campaign on me.”

I also find it really interesting that so many of this second type of wife (that I’ve come across at least) are often married to software engineers oddly.  It’s very strange to me that it’s a reoccurring theme in multiple ones I’ve seen, this man being just the latest one.  Not all… one I knew growing up in real life was married to a Pilot.  She let herself go physically and cut her hair in a super short haircut (that he didn’t find attractive,) and he ended up falling in love with another woman who was more feminine around year 20 of their marriage.  Does her lack of care excuse his affair?  Definitely no. But I think being passive-aggressively attacked over decades probably does not make it easier for him to stay faithful to that kind of contentious woman, especially when he’s around younger, more attractive stewardesses all the time who defer to him and truly admire him and respect him (and would never dare criticize him).

It’s typical that the Seductive Adulteress keeps her beauty and physique in shape for other men, and not for her husband, while the Christian Submissive Controllers often let themselves go after marriage, which is a passive aggressive move against their husbands because men typically want their wives to try to stay attractive to them.  Or they cut their hair super short, when they know their husbands’ would really prefer that they took the time to maintain long locks that look more feminine (again, a passive aggressive move against him).  Not all who use passive aggressive manipulation techniques fit into this “type,” or even the seductress “type,” but there does seem to be stereotypes here that ring true.

Since growing up being forewarned about women like this, and how they target men with good character, I do believe it may be partly because they find that this particular kind of man (the kind who would be more likely to become a software engineer? I don’t know) is more easy to control.  If they sized him up when they were dating and decided he was a “weaker” type of “beta” male who would be more susceptible to passive aggressive attacks?  I don’t know.  I do know I’ve seen these women admit that they grew up with very “dominating,” “harsh” or “controlling” patriarchal fathers, and that they wanted to marry someone who was the “opposite” of their dads so that they could avoid the “oppression” they felt like their own mothers went through.  So it seems there is a link between them purposefully picking someone they viewed from the get-go, as a weaker leader-type male, so that she could avoid being controlled by him like her mother was (in her mind), and have more success in passive aggressive attacks against him.

It’s also important to note that the man writing this comment felt as though half his children had been secretly poisoned against himThis is the effect of a passive aggressive mother.  That’s what it’s designed to do.  When someone is passive aggressively attacking her husband, she’s also usually doing and saying little things trying to get the kids on “her side,” to view her as the victim having to put up with his ways or leadership.  Chances are she learned this from her own mother, who played the part of a “victim” or “martyr” to her husband’s “dominating” leadership in their marriage.  In other words, her mother was also likely a passive-aggressive, who bucked her husband’s leadership in a myriad of little ways that chipped his armor overtime, and put him always on the defensive (and therefore coming across as too harsh at times or “dominating”).  I’ve seen that in real life, and it’s very sad even to watch it online with a woman whose exposed her “game,” because you know it’s happening behind the scenes.  No matter how perfect their family pictures may seem, only that man and his kids know how “bitchy” she’s actually being in their private times together.  “Everything hidden will come to light,” the Bible says, and her children’s testimony of how she treated their dad, or his testimony when he finds out later on that they were “poisoned” against him, or when he finds out that people around the world know his failings and shortcomings because she’s been emailing anyone with a listening ear for years playing the victim in their marriage, is when that comes to light.

So… hopefully I’ve written enough now to convince you that good men don’t deserve wives like this, however, because of their character and natures, they often get targeted by women who seek to control them, or even abuse them.  You have to snatch one up quick, before she gets her hooks into him with her faux submission, or sex.  Because once they’re married, he’s really really stuck, and all you can do after that is pray for them, and watch how she humiliates him on her social media sites (pictures of his used condoms!!!).

Hopefully you’ll take your Grandmother’s advice, Sweet Girl, and you’ll literally rescue a good man from being the prey of this kind of woman who seems to purposefully pick him, and then ruin his life or betray him repeatedly in a million little painful ways that add up over time.

Believe me, the rewards for having the heart of a man like this, and truly treasuring him – never betraying him or passive-aggressively harming him, are SO immense it’s hard to describe!  Your father is such a man, a man of such fine outstanding character, my diamond in the rough, and you can see clearly the way he loves me and cherishes me.

When you marry a good man, and treat him like a king, he will repay that love 10-fold and with more loyalty and devotion than you could ever imagine!  And as he gets older, men like this with good character get wiser and better at recognizing how you are different from the wives who act like these 2 stereotypes, and he becomes more openly grateful that you’re different – which is a nice blessing in itself to be acknowledged by your husband for your efforts in being a good wife to him.  You start to experience Proverbs 31:28-29 where your children rise up and call you “Blessed,” 🙂  and your husband actually tells you,

“Many wives have done excellently, but you surpass them all!”

You will become that wife, Little One, if you are good, kind, and respectful to him, always being careful to never give in to passive-aggressive manipulations because that will become part of your character and be very hard to extricate.  You will never post pictures of his used condoms and post them publicly, because you’ll be raised knowing (and seeing) this example.  You will honor him and guard his reputation so that he can safely trust in you (Proverbs 31:11 “The heart of her husband safely trusts in her...”).

So may you rescue a man like that, so that his goodness won’t be taken advantage of, and so that he won’t have to suffer through life with a woman he can never fully trust, and therefore never truly and deeply, even love.

Stephanie

 

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Be the One He’s Thankful He Married

We just got back from a weekend trip – it was fun, exciting, and relaxing somehow all at the same time. 🙂  Since we were in the car for a few hours (both going and coming home), we had a lot of time to talk and reflect on the years we’ve had together ❤ .  It’s just been so beautiful – even through trials and such with outside forces, we’ve always felt like we faced them together – not as if the trials put us at odds.

Somehow it came up in those hours of talking, about my husband’s past – and he told me about a girl he had really liked in high school (he’s told me before, we both know about each other’s past relationships) – he thought she was gorgeous and just the perfect angel he’d love to marry – but he was too shy to ever have asked her.  If you’ve read our story, him being too shy almost cost him our entire life together, as it prevented him from asking me until I was already in a relationship!

Anyway, he reminded me of her backstory and what she did in college and after.  She was Catholic, but in name only, and turned extremely wild and slept with a lot of guys… something he told me would have torn him apart if he had been with her.  But thankfully they went their separate ways and he forgot about her for the most part.

He saw her picture recently and brought it up in this conversation that she looks so unlike what she used to – that the years of sleeping around and partying made her beauty (and boy did she have it!!) really fade and made her look older and harder.

She’s married now, he said, and has one kid, but he told me this weekend in the car, that he was so thankful he married me and that he avoided this other girl.

I feel sad for her in a way, this is definitely not a “gloating” post or anything like that.  But it is a topic I’m going to eventually let our daughter know.

It’s important to be a virgin when you marry your husband.

It’s CRUCIAL to let him know EVERYTHING you’ve done (good and especially anything bad) so that he knows you intimately – true intimacy and doesn’t feel like you’ve lied to him about anything.

Saving your purity (not just of your virginity, but literally everything – your breasts, any touching, etc.) is really REALLY important to your future husband.

And lastly, you want to be the woman he’s GLAD he married.  Not the promiscious angel beauty that he’s glad he avoided (sad!).

Hopefully she will take this wisdom to heart, like I did when my own mother told me.

Stephanie

Am I Tricking Men When I use Makeup? Is Makeup Unethical?

So…

the Makeapp …

LOL….

I’m going to try to write this post with a straight face…

….

ok!  I can’t 😉  😀

I’m laughing as I type ❤

Are we women tricking men with our makeup usage?

This is a lot like the constant harpy criticism that we’re all just teaching women to manipulate men… UN-ethically at that!  Oh my!!!

Recently, as you may have seen, an app came out called the Makeapp that allows men (or anyone really) to take a picture or upload a picture of a woman, and completely simulate what she probably looks like without makeup.

It’s not a perfect app, I’ve read up on it a bit and apparently some people actually look better without makeup than this app claims (it adds pimples and acne, so if you don’t have skin problems it won’t be completely accurate).  But overall, it’s pretty correct!

Is it tricking men to use makeup?

This topic has come up before in the world of male – female issues, in fact, I’ve actually written before on women covering their acne with makeup and men responding not so pleasantly to it.

Is makeup tricking men?  Well, to be completely honest, yes, it is, in a way.  But most reasonable people understand that makeup tends to make a woman look better, so they “get it.”  It evens out skin tone, it imitates the flushes and redder lips a woman gets when she’s in ovulation – making her extremely more sexually attractive.  It lengthens her eye-lashes, another thing proven to drive men subtly insane.  Is it manipulation of some kind of form?  I guess it is… when it’s used the way it’s intended (to make men more sexually attracted to you).

I decided to do it 😀

I used this picture… and in it (below) I actually don’t have very much makeup on.  Concealer, some foundation in areas but not all over “full-coverage,” mascara, and light pink lip gloss:

makeapp

LOL… So I guess I look like I have the flu 😀 ….

But ok… so is using makeup really unethical?

I think my other older post answers this question some.  If you’re deliberately hiding major flaws and such, yes, it’s effectively tricking a man into thinking you look VERY different from how you actually look.  You could make some kind of case that doing that was “unethical,” although most women who are doing that are doing it for their own self-esteem issues and not really trying to harm anyone.  But still, men don’t like feeling tricked… even if you’re covering acne for yourself so you can feel more confident 😦  They’ll still (as we saw in the other post) react badly to it if you put yourself out there like that one girl did.  It’s a no-win situation.

If you’re a teen and you’re worried how this app will affect the way guys see you, please try not to worry and just focus on important things.  If it DOES bother you, figure out ways to take care of your skin (toners, acne scrubs, prescription medicine if need be).  The thing that will give you the most confidence without makeup, will be having beautiful skin, and that’s just the truth.

Most men totally accept knowing you’ll look better with some makeup applied.  Heavy emphasis on the “some.”   Too much and it turns them off… usually.

*

But almost all men dream of a woman who looks good without makeup and doesn’t need it to be beautiful.  And that’s the truth.  

*

And that’s why this new Makeapp where men now have the magical ability to SEE what you look like underneath makeup really gets to women.  To be exposed for how you really look shouldn’t be an issue (a romantic interest will certainly find out anyway!), but for many it seems to be.  “It’s unfair!” some say.  “It’s SEXIST!” others say.

***

Is there any good “take away” from this new app in the hands of men? 😉

Yes!  If you have good, beautiful skin, you’ll look great even without makeup!  Does the app distort it?  Yea, it does, but if it makes men feel better lol…. *shrug*

And technically, this makeapp shouldn’t worry you if you’re using makeup correctly anyway.

On the other hand, the Makeapp can also ADD LOTS of makeup to your face LOL… this was only after adding “one application” of makeup!  LOL… more like cosemtic surgery haha!

WOW!!!

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**Tear!!**  I don’t even recognize myself!!!  What an app!

Anyway… this app is really distracting!  If you’re a single woman, any man who is interested in you will already notice when you’re not wearing much makeup, and he’ll usually like it!  I’ve read many comments and emails where a girl says she couldn’t believe how the first time her boyfriend or husband told her she was “beautiful” was actually when they had been swimming or at a water park all day and all her makeup had washed off, or when they were hiking and it melted off -and guess what?  He still adored her.

If you have beautiful skin, you’ll still look great without all the makeup.  And that’s what men love.  I do believe most men do NOT want a woman who wears too much makeup.  It’s kind of obvious when someone does (unless they’re a brilliant makeup artist, which honestly men, most women aren’t).

But for women, even if you’re married – no, especially if you’re married – your husband wants to see you without any makeup on at appropriate times – first thing when you wake up, in his T-shirt or naked (however it is you prefer to sleep) – he wants to see his bare-faced Beauty and know you are his.

Stephanie

Married Women: Your Character Can Either Inspire Love or Inspire Indifference

I’ve written a few posts for single women concerning the topic of making their character – who they really are – more attractive.  When trying to attract a good man, a single woman obviously needs to be worthy of him and working on having the same character that she expects of her future husband, but it just doesn’t stop there.

Married women, more so than ever, need to also be keeping good emotional and mental health and be growing spiritually… all these things are important to increasing the beauty of their character throughout the trials of life.  You often find out who you really are, when you’re going through trials and pressed on all sides.

1 Peter 3:3-4 

Your adornment must not be merely external—with interweaving andelaborate knotting of the hair, and wearing gold jewelry, or [being superficially preoccupied with] dressing in expensive clothes; but let it be [the inner beauty of] the hidden person of the heart, with the imperishable quality and unfading charm of a gentle and peaceful spirit, [one that is calm and self-controlled, not overanxious, but serene and spiritually mature] which is very precious in the sight of God.

I’ve written a couple of posts here and here and here, on why outward beauty (a wife’s attractiveness) is also important, but when it truly comes down to it, I do believe that character is always more important.  Outward beauty is something that can be easily increased anyway, whereas your character takes a much longer time to attain, and then also to maintain throughout life and it’s temptations.

Character is what truly matters about a person

Even the wonderful Proverbs 31 woman’s husband proclaims this at the end of her passage:

Charm and grace are deceptive, and [superficial] beauty is vain,
But a woman who fears the Lord [reverently worshiping, obeying, serving, and trusting Him with awe-filled respect], she shall be praised.

I think it can be tempting for women to, once they’re married or married for a few years on, to start letting themselves go when it comes to maintaining their character.

The problem is, however, that once you’re married, if you let go of having a beautiful character, who you are as a person when your husband chose you and only you, you’ll make your husband eventually fall out of love with you.

A wife’s character is that important.

Your Husband Has a Breaking Point

I’ve recently read some comments from Deti speaking of how a husband eventually has what he called I believe a, “Breaking Point.”  This is when your husband has finally had enough of you acting out your impulses to damage him and he comes to a point where it’s extremely hard to see you the same as he used to.

You never want your husband to get to “that point.”  So stop being stupid and damaging him with being critical, nit-picky, or putting up pictures of his messy side for laughs!

From Deti:

 

All I can tell you is this:

When a man’s wife or long term woman disrespects him one too many times, whatever existed before is completely destroyed.

Gone.

Whatever he felt for her – gone.

Whatever he was willing to do for her before, he’s no longer willing to do, or capable of doing. Everything. Gone. Leveled. Not one stone left standing on stone.

And he never forgets it.

Oh, he can forgive. He can move on. You can even move on together.

But the things you said, the things you did, to destroy it all, are never forgotten.  Not ever.

Some things you say, you cannot unsay. You can’t take them back. Some things you do cannot be undone. That history will always be there. Always. It will never ever go away.

It will always color the way he sees you. You will be forever different to him.

He can, and probably will, get past it eventually. Your relationship might survive. But whatever it was before will not be again. You will have to reconstruct everything. What is built back will not look like what was before. Many times, it will not look anything like what it was before. And you will have to live with that. Or not.

A man can take a lot of disrespect from a woman. And he can go a long time with it. But when you get to “too much” or “one too many times”, it’s done. DONE. OVER. You’ve knocked it all down, destroyed it all. And whatever was before, will never be again.

Perhaps a little food for thought for womenfolk as they wisely and prudently consider their men.

***

A big tenant of all the principles of character is to treat others the way you’d want to be treated.  I always ask myself WHY this is so hard for Christian wives to “get?”  We’re basically taught all this in kindergarten for Christ’s sake!!  Why would you be so stupid as to do this to your own HUSBAND?!

So…

Do you criticize him – even when it’s light-heartedly joking about his faults or flaws?  No one likes a passive-aggressive person who makes light of other people’s failings or short-comings to get a few laughs, don’t do this to your husband unless you want to make him eventually fall out of love with you.

Are you sarcastic?  Be prepared to be met with unkind, sarcastic responses back from him someday when he finally has enough!

Do you share his embarrassing moments publicly?  I’ve seen even Christian women take pictures of their husband’s dirty side of his bed, and put it up for display on their blog!  I’d be interested to see how a wife would react if their husband did something like that to them, I think there’s a good chance they’d be very embarrassed.  If you’re tempted to do something like this, even for laughs on social media, always ask yourself if it’s respectful and protecting his privacy and reputation, or being a discreet wife (which men love).

If you put up pictures of the messes your husband makes, people will tend to think he’s a real slob, and then you’ve damaged his reputation and harmed him overall by being indiscreet.

Revealing your husband’s faults in trying to be “real” with other people, is not a kind or wise thing to do, or even fully accurate since you may have caught him at a bad time when he was busy and forgot to clean up.  Either way, are you doing things daily that undermine his trust in you and cause him to slowly view you negatively?

If we allow ourselves to always nit-pick and harp on our spouses’ flaws, (or worse, expose their short-comings online for everyone to see!) eventually we’re going to succeed in having them view US in that unkind manner, and it doesn’t look like that would be fun!

The wise woman builds up her house (and husband), while the foolish one tears it down for likes on facebook or to be seen as “more real.”

 

Stephanie

Single Women: Character Flaws Make a Girl Ugly & Unattractive to Men

next post

I love Lori Alexander.  I love her brutal honesty and how she just tells it like it is to younger women.

Yes, men will notice a beautiful woman when one comes by, it’s natural and designed by God in their masculine nature to be attracted to a variety of different kinds of beautiful women.  I think most women have to deal with little insecurities, especially at the beginning of a relationship or even the beginning of a marriage when they’re still finding out how deep their husband’s love goes for them.

But I’ve found that most men love their wives incredibly deeply. 

It is amazingly romantic to understand just how much a good man loves his wife!

So… as long as you’ve picked a man of good character, and you’re not neglecting him or making it easier for him to be tempted by porn or other women, you really have nothing to fear here.  

You DO have to fear, however, if you give in to your insecurities and become the traits that Lori mentions in her journal post.

Anger and bitterness ruin the character of a woman… it doesn’t matter what she looks like on the outside, these traits really do make her ugly and unattractive to even her husband.

The quest all of us should be on is to become what Lori writes here:

“Make yourself more beautiful to him

by becoming more kind,

more loving,

more attentive to his needs,

and more gentle.”

 

This is what your husband needs, and he wants all that in only you.

Stephanie

Email Questions: Dating in Your 30’s

Something that seems to be a common topic among email questions recently is how to go about dating in your 30’s as a single woman.  Whenever I get this question I have to let the woman know that I obviously have zero experience with what they’re asking me about.

BUT… one of the reasons people have “blog rolls” is to point people where they can find great information that the host either agrees with or doesn’t have knowledge of.  On the right side of the screen, under “Single Women: What Men Really Think,” is a great website resource for any woman out there in the dating market.  Andrew (the author) even has a whole post dedicated to dating in your 30’s:

Female Game for Women in Their 30’s

Check out this gem, too, if you’re really interested:

The Advantage of Dating in Your 30’s

Now for my thoughts on it, since you asked… they aren’t really optimistic so you’ve been warned.

If I were somehow to switch places with you, a single woman in her 30’s, I probably would forgo dating altogether and just seek to live a life alone and find genuine happiness in other things.  Volunteering with kids if you have an ache for children, working fulltime at an orphanage in another country or in a children’s home in the US.  Maybe become a nurse and work with people where you feel like you make a difference in other people’s lives.  Work on a great career in a field of your interest where you can spend your excess money not spent on a family, traveling and seeing places most people would never see.  Have more time to write or read great books.  I don’t know… but dating men would be the last thing on my mind.  I know that sounds crazy, but you asked what I thought and so I’m going to be brutally honest.  There’s a reason why I got married incredibly young and didn’t sleep with anyone before my husband.  I was terrified of being used, wanted to wait to have sex until marriage because of my faith in Christianity and a firm belief that it would be giving my husband a gift that would only belong to him, and even looking back in hindsight, I think that the being terrified of being used was a good thing.  I think more women should be terrified of being used… maybe it would help them decide faster what they really want in life.  I avoided tons of unnecessary emotional baggage and pain by finding someone who truly loved me and cherished me, and committed long-term to me that young and inexperienced.  I don’t think that is easy to find in any way possible when you get beyond your 20’s.  It sounds and looks like it’s a whole different ball-game, and not a very nice one.

When it comes to the 30+ dating market, most of the men dating women in that age range are only out to use those women.  This is not to say a woman in her 30’s or 40’s (or 50’s ?) couldn’t find someone to marry, it’s just that it will be infinitely harder to navigate all the sexual aspects without subjecting yourself to just being someone they want to have sex with.  The reality is men that would be interested in you age wise, can probably pull much younger women and would also be interested in much younger women for long term relationships.  Men are always, however, interested in easy sex.

Then there’s the factor of what kind of men will they be?  If you click on the link above, Andrew goes on about why you should avoid different kinds of men….  No men in their 20’s, no men over 40, no divorced men… lol… there’s like literally NO MEN left after you filter for those things he warns about.  Very dismal if you ask me, hence why I would just avoid dating altogether.  While there are some great catches out there who have been frivorced, it’s my opinion they are very hard to find, and they may have contributed in some way to their divorce which they may or may not be honest about.  With proper girl game, I’m pretty sure you can catch a desirable divorcee, but you’d have to be extremely open and genuine with him (and match everything on his list of perfection lol) or you’ll scare him off faster than anything.  And event then, there’s still the likelihood that you’d just be used and “nexted.”

After reading around the internet a few years now, I’m convinced that older men – the men who would be interested in 30+ women, are very very VERY bad marriage material.  Every single one of them seem to have deep issues with hating (or strongly disliking) women, and I’m not blaming them many have good reasons to not trust or like women, I’m just being realistic that this makes them horrible future partners.  You don’t want them to get with you and then never be able to trust you or love you.  It would be so painful and devastating to fall in love with a man like that, and very much in your best interest to avoid it altogether.

In short, I think you should brutally assess if you can truly attract a good man who would love you, and if not, accept a single life and just make it as good and fulfilling as you possibly can without a romantic partner.  There’s much more to life than romance, even though I fully believe that if you find and create a fulfilling marriage, it can be the most wonderful thing you ever do in your life.  But there comes a point where you may have to accept that having that kind of marriage is not possible anymore, and move on to find fulfillment elsewhere.

 

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Your Beauty is Worthless without Kindness

kindness1

Every woman wants to feel as though she has beauty to give to this world, you can see it in the way little girls play dress up, twirl and dance around, and long for their fathers to think they’re beautiful.  Even grown women enjoy getting dressed up for a formal with their husband, or for a night out to feel beautiful.  God created Eve with this deep desire in her heart to be the counterpart to Adam’s masculinity, and bestowed on her the power and ability of giving the world feminine beauty.

Feminine beauty is so powerful, that men often went to great lengths in the past to defend and preserve the nature of it in protecting their countries (and their women), from evil forces taking over.  Men going off to war even in modern times, often carry a picture of their sweetheart in their pocket.  Their girl’s picture gives them emotional strength to make it through the bombings and terrifying things they go through, and it does.  My husband just told me last week that he wanted to update the picture of me with our kids he always carries in his wallet.  Everywhere he goes, down dark dank alleys, confronting mischief and evil and often murders, he carries that picture with him.

Beauty and love are powerful things.  But a word of caution:

Your outer beauty is utterly worthless if you do not have kindness and the beauty of inner character.

Even the most gorgeous woman, without kindness toward others, might as well not be beautiful at all.  How you treat others is so important to who you are and who you become.  Always strive to be kind, you will fail of course at times, but try to get back on the path and repent of any unkindness in the past.

It’s not enough to be merely outwardly beautiful for a woman.  Sure it may “win” you special treatment from time to time, but without actual character and a love for treating others kindly, you will single-handedly ruin every relationship you have on this earth.  It is that important, daughter.  Especially in marriage!

Kindness is often painful

You will realize that being kind often brings pain.  For some reason, kindness is something many people seem to take advantage of, I wish it wasn’t that way.  And sometimes the kindest thing to do for a friend, may make them never want to speak to you again.

You may sincerely care about someone, admire someone, or respect them and show them kindness, but they may ignore it, reject it, or even return your kindness with rudeness or insult.  If you’re a tad too sensitive like your momma 😉 , there will be times when you will actually feel goosebumps from the coldness of someone’s response to your kindness.  It will be painful, and you will want to stop being kind ever again.  I’ll be so sad to see you feel that way.  But that’s normal and happens all the time because we live in a dark world.

That’s when you’ll learn that kindness is for kindness’ sake, not because other people appreciate it or not.  Kindness is who you are and part of your character.

You cannot be truly beautiful as a whole person, without being kind and having character.

 

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Your Sensual Beauty is God-Given

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Something I want my daughter to be very aware of, is how Christians get confused about how God created men and women and their respective sensualities.  She’ll undoubtedly run into some Christians later in life who truly make her question whether or not it’s “ok” for women to be sexually attractive.  She’ll wonder is it ok for a single Christian woman to be sexually attractive to godly men or if it’s wiser to somehow hide her physical beauty?  Is it ok for a married Christian woman to be sexually attractive or should she ONLY be considered sexually attractive at home for her husband’s eyes?

I’m not talking about modesty issues here, they are important and do make it an easier or more difficult stumbling block for a godly man concerning the issue of lust… but this post is addressing the issue of sensuality and simply being an attractive woman.  I’m sorry sweet girl, but this is more than likely going to be an issue in your life.  You’re already uniquely gorgeous as a baby, and I can only imagine how stunning you’re going to look at age 16.

***

Sexual Attractiveness… Feeling sexually attractive

I read a post a few weeks ago where a Christian mommy blogger literally said if something makes you feel sexy, you probably shouldn’t wear it outside of your home, but only wear it in privacy.  Your husband should be the only one you wear anything sexy around.  I do understand and agree if it’s only applied to things that are immodest or something meant to seduce (lingerie, low cut tops, very short skirts etc.), but many many things can make a woman sexually attractive, and it gets confusing when “anything” that makes her feel sexy (sexually attractive) should be forbidden outside the home.

Heels… dresses… her long flowing hair… perfume… mascara… red lipstick….  Are they wrong?  Are they somehow sinful because they reveal a woman’s sensuality and often make her feel more like a sensual woman (aka “sexy”)?  A few years ago I heard a Christian pastor preach from his pulpit that a woman’s sensuality is sinful.  He may have meant her sexuality or her ability to seduce, I’m not sure… but it just didn’t sound right to me.

This kind of thinking has never made sense to me and has always made me feel sorry for the people who live this way… almost as thought they aren’t wholly female but instead are cutting off a huge portion of who God made them to be.  I actually believe this kind of thinking stunts a woman’s personal growth and damages her sensuality… making her think it’s wrong or bad for her to ever appear sexually attractive outside her bedroom.  To believe she has to become an asexual woman and lose her sensuality just because it may tempt men who aren’t her husband is so against what God would want for His daughters I would think.  I hope to help my daughter understand that her sensuality, her enjoying feeling like a woman, is God-given because HE is the one who made her female and created beauty and thus, sexual attractiveness.

When God describes (allegorically) the way He saved Israel, He tells the story of Him saving an infant who was aborted and left for dead in the dirt covered in her mother’s uterine blood.  Nobody wanted her, but God had compassion on her.  The baby girl is taken in by Him.  She grows up under His loving watchful care.  She becomes sexually attractive, and He marries her, and then helps her revel in her feminine sensuality.

“You grew up and became a beautiful jewel. Your breasts became full, and your hair grew, but you were still naked.And when I passed by again, I saw that you were old enough for love. So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.

“Then I bathed you and washed off your blood, and I rubbed fragrant oils into your skin. 10 I gave you expensive clothing of fine linen and silk, beautifully embroidered, and sandals made of fine goatskin leather. 11 I gave you lovely jewelry, bracelets, beautiful necklaces, 12 a ring for your nose, earrings for your ears, and a lovely crown for your head. 13 And so you were adorned with gold and silver. Your clothes were made of fine linen and costly fabric and were beautifully embroidered. You ate the finest foods—choice flour, honey, and olive oil—and became more beautiful than ever.

You looked like a queen, and so you were! 14 Your fame soon spread throughout the world because of your beauty.

I dressed you in my splendor and perfected your beauty, says the Sovereign Lord.”

 

This passage is so interesting to me in the way the Lord describes how he lavishes His love on her with things that enhance her physical beauty.  Even a nose ring is something He gives her… just so different from the way Christians think these days.  Anyway, it is clear that her beauty is what made her sexually attractive, her growing breasts and hair, and then jewelry and fine clothing, etc.  Very interesting to me that God tells us all this.

But back to question or point of the post: is being sexually attractive wrong or something that should be hidden?  From the looks of Ezekiel 16, it doesn’t appear to be.

Things that typically make women sexually attractive to men that are visible even when they’re dressed modestly:

  • Youth or appearance of youthfulness in her face (good skin)
  • Slender body type
  • Proportional breasts and hips and waist ratios
  • Long legs
  • Long healthy hair flowing down her back
  • A positive or cheerful attitude
  • Perfume

All these things have nothing to do with showing too much skin, and yet from what I’ve read through polls and studies (and asking my husband if it’s all true in his opinion), men can be “turned on” by all these things even if the woman isn’t using her sensuality in a bad, seductive way toward others.  There’s a reason why Muslim men force their women to hide their shapes (that would reveal breast, hip, waist ratios) under large burkas, hide their faces in some cases (that show their youthfulness or female features), completely hide their hair from sight, many even don’t allow their women to wear makeup or perfume when out, those things are only to be worn for their husbands. Basically, in Islam, a woman is sinning if she reveals any part of her God-given sensuality (feminine body ratio Breasts:Waist:Hips, feminine hair, feminine facial structures, etc.).  Everything feminine about her, even her desire to wear makeup or perfume – her very sensuality, the very things that make her female, are looked upon as too tempting, sinful, and should be only kept for the eyes of her husband.  Being female is dangerous in their minds.  All signs of being female must be covered up.  Why is that?

It’s because being a beautiful female is equated in the male mind as also being sexually attractive, they are basically one and the same thing.  

When men watch porn for instance, they tend to look at the women’s faces much more than just their body parts (from studies tracking where they were looking most of the time).  Whereas we know when women watch porn, they actually don’t look at the faces as much as men do, but instead spend most of the time looking at the sexual body parts… mostly the genitals.  It’s fascinating to me that men actually look more at the **person** in porn or they at least notice it more and focus on it more, whereas women are the ones who are sexually objectifying the people in porn by only looking mostly at the bodies or body parts.  Society would tell us it’s the other way around.

A Dangerous Beauty

A woman’s sensuality or sexual attractiveness is extremely powerful, and since it’s powerful, it’s also extremely dangerous.  A sexually attractive woman, no matter what she’s wearing (think very modest clothing) is still going to be sexually attractive and draw sometimes unwanted attention to herself at times.  I used to believe that this unwanted attention was bad and even a curse of some kind.  In the Bible, we see a clear example where this scenario can be dangerous when Abraham believes his wife Sarah is so beautiful (sexually attractive to other men), that the rulers in the foreign lands they were traveling in would want her for themselves (to make their wife and have sex with) and kill Abraham.  She must have been extremely sexually attractive in order to garner the attention of men like that – men who could have had any woman (and did!) that they wanted.  I highly doubt that Sarah was dressed “slutty,” or improper in ANY way at all that caused these men to want her so badly.  And yet she was still sexually attractive enough to the highest value men during that time (rulers over whole kingdoms!) to draw unwanted attention to both her and her husband.

So yes, daughter, being sexually attractive can be dangerous, and as we see from reports in the news of couples being attacked when out on dates and the young woman being gang-raped while the boyfriend or husband is held down or beaten… being sexually attractive or desirable can *still* be dangerous no matter what you’re wearing.  However, if a woman dresses slutty, yes, it will draw more negative attention from BOTH men and women because it’s inappropriate or too revealing.  Yes, it can make her life far more dangerous and even make her more likely to be raped, even though modern day women don’t want to admit that.

Men, unless they’re gay or dead, will always notice a sexually attractive woman, even if she’s in a modest one piece bathing suit.  Sexual attractiveness does not automatically mean showing too much skin or dressing slutty.

Your sensuality is very complicated, but it is a gift from God meant to edify you, and bring pleasure both to you and your husband.  In Ezekiel 16, it was clear that His beautiful woman became “famous” for her beauty, yet it wasn’t in a sinful way.  Her sin comes later from pride (due to her beauty) and because of her pride, she becomes an adulteress and mistreats God’s love and care for her.

Eve, like the woman in the allegorical story, was one of God’s most beautiful creations, and her beauty – feminine beauty and attractiveness – reflects God’s taste and art.  Yes, they had to “hide their nakedness” once sin entered the picture, but when He gave her fig leaves to cover up, you notice He didn’t hand her a burka type outfit. 😉   Even the animals skins they used were probably not very long in length or full-body coverage.

There is a reason He created you the way He did, as a woman, meant to enjoy her femininity and not to hide it all under a burka and hijab.  Dress carefully and modestly, but don’t believe the Christians who preach that sensuality is sinful… which really translates to everything that makes you female, needing to be hidden.