Email Questions: Why Don’t You Write More About Being a Police Wife?

I recently had a younger woman who is about to marry an LEO, email me asking me if I could write more on what it’s like being a police wife.  I don’t really write about being a police wife.  Why?  I think I’ve answered this before, but with a blog that has 500+ posts, I’ve even forgotten when and where I gave that answer.  So I’ll give it again.

I don’t write about it because there are so many other blogs out there that do it much better than I would probably.

That’s it, lol.  They do a really great job, especially on handling the emotional side, and my focus was more marriage advice anyway, which applies to all wives because it’s general enough and true enough to apply on a broader scale.  The blogs solely for police wives are great though!  I’ve linked to a couple in the past I believe, and again I just feel they do a much better job than I would.  I learn from them and go to them when I’m looking for something specific.

Some of the awesome police wives I know in real life who read here, were adamant that I needed to adapt the Proverbs 31 series I had up, to make one specifically for police wives.  So I’ve been adapting it to fit a police wife’s version… but you probably won’t find it here when I’m done 😉  There’s too many people looking to destroy books Christian women write.  So it will be incognito.

But back to the question… is there anything I could say about being a police wife – to other police wives?  Yes!  Let me come up with a few things that may be of interest….

***

It’s funny that I just got this question.  I’m our event chair for our wives’ organization, and I just got back tonight from our annual Halloween event where we served around 1,000 Police Officers and their families.  As exhausting with 3 littles as coordinating all of that was, it was SO fulfilling and wonderful.  To me, all that work to pull off that kind of event, coupled with the difficulty of doing it with small children, and the immense fulfillment I get from seeing so many families enjoy it today, kind of symbolizes what it’s like overall in being a police wife.  Exhausting… overwhelming at times… fun… lots of hard work… and tons of pleasure at seeing your marriage grow in all of it through the years.

Being a wife to a Police Officer has been incredible, think of it as a beautiful opportunity that will be filled with a lot of sacrifice for you, and unfortunately also for any children you have.  Sacrifice is by definition, painful, so being a police wife is filled with a lot of unseen pain at times.  This is also true for your children, which is hard.  But it’s the kind of pain that produces beauty of character if it’s harnessed well.  Often it’s not, and I believe that’s why the divorce rate is higher for our marriages.  I’ve seen a lot of blue-marriages end in divorce.  I’ve seen quite a few Police Officer men go on to remarry younger, sweeter, kinder, 2nd wives who handled it all much better than their 1st wives did.  It all comes down to attitude and character and how you learn to handle the daily stresses that often go with supporting your husband in his calling.

Oh yea, that reminds me… it IS a biblical calling.

Let every person be subject to the governing authorities. For there is no authority except from God, and those that exist have been instituted by God. Therefore whoever resists the authorities resists what God has appointed, and those who resist will incur judgment. For rulers are not a terror to good conduct, but to bad. Would you have no fear of the one who is in authority? Then do what is good, and you will receive his approval, for he is God’s servant for your good. But if you do wrong, be afraid, for he does not bear the sword in vain. For he is the servant of God, an avenger who carries out God’s wrath on the wrongdoer.Therefore one must be in subjection, not only to avoid God’s wrath but also for the sake of conscience. 

Romans 13:1-5

Because Police Officers have this biblical mandate, I believe being married to one is well described in this way of being married to a prophet – in the biblical sense (I know it’s abstract… stay with me here).  Debbi Pearl describes it well in this video:

She mentions many things that apply to what police wives need to be prepared for:

  1. You have to be strong.  Mentally strong, emotionally strong, definitely spiritually strong, and yes, even to some degree physically strong in order to handle all the things you’ll have to do by yourself because of his schedule.  This one point is immense and could be written into a chapter, so I’ll keep it short for here.
  2. You have to be confident in yourself.
  3. You have to be self-sufficient.  I wasn’t really raised to be as self-sufficient as I needed to be being married to a Police Officer, so this part has been a learning experience where I’ve failed in the past at times and had to change.  In truth, I actually never wanted to be married to a Police Officer, it’s kind of funny how God certainly has a sense of humor in that He hears you say “I’m NEVER going to do XYZ…” and He answers, “Oh yea?  Watch this!”  You can make many plans for yourself, but ultimately God directs your steps. 😉
  4. You have to be able to support your husband by having faith in him and his calling – even when he may not feel it himself.  Even when you are tempted to get him to do something less dangerous, it’s your job to support him fully – that means getting past those temptations and strong emotions and being his true help-meet.  This is actually incredible that we are capable of being there for our husbands on that kind of level, when the world is up against them or when they start to lose faith in their calling or in themselves.  It is an extremely high calling to be married to a Police Officer because of this.  You are so important to his soul and to his effectiveness as a minister of God.  It is amazing and such a blessing to be a part of something so crucial.  God’s trusted you with something important, and because of that I think Satan often tries to attack our marriages in ways other couples may never come to face.
  5. Supporting him and having faith in him, means for us, that we also have to learn how to live our lives without fear.  Yes, that’s hard, it’s so easy to give in to fear when his job is that dangerous and has become a million times MORE dangerous after the whole Ferguson incident.  It requires taking your feelings and emotions daily to the cross and asking God to give you the grace you need to be the wife HE needs you to be.  Your feelings and emotions are able to change (thank God!).  Your inner strength is able to grow overtime, so take heart!  You can **become** the wife he needs through prayer and asking God for the Spirit’s direction.
  6. You have to be able to keep the home-front going – as Debbie says.  This is part of the “being self-sufficient,” but even more so on a mental-strength level.  You have to have a sense of purpose and direction for your family that is beautifully matched with what your husband wants – even though he’s not there most of the time to see it through.  This means your communication with him has to be very effective and complete – making the most of your time together.  You have to keep the home a sanctuary for him and your children, keep everything running smoothly and calmly as best as you can – and doing it mostly alone.
  7. You have to have a great attitude and optimism.  This is something that may be hard for some types of women who aren’t naturally optimistic.  I’m lucky in that I’m generally very optimistic and love to plow through what needs to get done, but what can a woman do who has a hard time keeping optimistic?  Pray and ask God to change your heart toward whatever you are negative about.  Also start a gratitude journal where you write down at least one thing a day you are immensely grateful for (preferably at the end of the day).  It is so worth it to develop an attitude of gratitude in your life if you haven’t already.  Your marriage will flourish and life will be so much easier even when getting through the tough times if you can keep it all in perspective with gratefulness and optimism.

Hope that gives some insight for any LEOWs out there reading.  Thanks for the question, it was great to work through tonight!

Stephanie

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So. Much. Love.

So… our schedule has become topsy-turvy the last 2-3 weeks or so.  I just wrote not that long ago, about our Fall routine simplicity and how beautiful it was to serve my husband and son so early in the morning, even sacrificing sleep with an infant, and the reward of getting to know (and sometimes hear even though I try really hard not to listen lol) that they’re talking about things my husband thinks are important for our son.  It’s the only time of day (when he’s not off for the whole day that is) when our son gets to see his dad.  So their time is critically important and so beautiful to orchestrate and watch from a distance.

Go figure that once we’re nicely settled into a good routine, flowing beautifully, a yucky wrench gets thrown in that makes life a lot more difficult.  It’s starting to be funny to me how life is just like that; at least unforeseen things keep us on our toes and understand our place as mere humans ❤

So I’m sitting here in the morning, and in such awe of how much love I have when hearing them talk – hearing my husband gently but authoritatively guide our son in direction, answer his questions, listen to his problems or stories.  This time together is so precious!  I’m so grateful that even though our schedule (my husband’s schedule) has changed again, it still allows for this to happen every morning.

It’s just So. Much. Love.

The Old Days…

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I was having a kind of sentimental mood earlier, and went through a bunch of our old pictures… mostly from our college and dating days.  It is amazing how fast time flies and that we’ve already been married for 10 years!

Reasons why I fell head over heels for this guy are almost endless….

He teased me constantly, in a good way.  We had the best time going back and forth flirting even before we were ever officially in a relationship.

He was so passionate and fun, and always just did his own thing (still does actually).  He’d go a little wild for the sports games at our college and paint his face which I thought was crazy and teased him about.  Then he’d tease me about painting my face and getting me to come with him sometime.  ❤

You can tell his incredibly energy in the old picture below where he went out with a bunch of friends (I didn’t know him yet I think).  He’s the one on the far right with the laughing smile.

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Another cute pic from before we were together, (nope that girl’s not me lol).  Look at his face!! LOL

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This one below was when we were on a date ice-skating.  He skated like a pro!!!  Which is rare for people in Texas lol.  This was because he played hockey before though.  I, on the other hand, kept falling on my butt!  Looking at my smile, I’d say I still had tons of fun.  Everywhere we went together, we just had so much fun and we still do! ❤

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I adore him ❤ ❤ ❤

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2nd year of marriage at one of those live country concerts in Texas that are full of really fun people and dancing.

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When our oldest was an Ewok for Halloween… we’re big Star Wars nerds 😉

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Being all country at the rodeo when our oldest was little…

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At our 8th year anniversary before going out.

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Yea it’s been wild 😉

Email Question: Is Online Dating a Good Option for Women?

I thought this was a great question!  I didn’t meet my husband this way, so take my advice with a grain of salt, but from what I’ve heard from other women is that yes, it really really works for y’all.  Online dating is MUCH (like 100 times harder) for men actually.

But for you younger or older women out there, yea it seems like it tends to work out.

A curious thing, too, is that online dating can be so easy for women that it can work for y’all even without having a picture of yourself up.

A woman I used to work for has a daughter who I’m friends with, who has been a working model since her mid-teens, and is getting married to her fiance in a few months, whom she found online ❤ 😀 !!!  She is naturally shy and modeling actually exacerbated her social anxiety – something that happens a lot to models who start in their teen years.  Meeting men that were marriage material was extremely hard for her in real life and she is from a very rural area with practically zero prospects.  Zero men + a social anxiety disorder = difficult dating to say the least.

The thing that sealed the deal for her using online dating?  She fell in love with him solely through conversation – them talking back and forth online.  She harps on that fact and believes it was a special “gift” – that it’s so special to her to have fallen in love with someone without ever even knowing what they looked like!  To fall in love with their mind first, before ever even seeing them – is how she described it.  Talk about uber-romantic lol.

To hear him tell the story of when they finally met up in person, it’s SO cute… he never knew how beautiful she was, because he’d never seen her!  He said he was afraid when he saw her, and terrified she wouldn’t be attracted to him.  He’s not a male-model type at all, it was totally his personality that made her fall head over heels for him, so I kind of understand his fear.  The sad thing about this is that if she had included her picture, he probably would have never even tried to talk to her 😦 .

She’s since ditched the modeling (a good thing in my opinion) and is going to focus on being a wife to him after she graduates soon.  Just really really sweet and so awesome I got to see this thing play out.

Tips for women using online dating:

  1. I don’t know how this sweet girl pulled this off… she’s very picky, so I’m not sure what she really vetted for when searching for men online, other than like-interests and then of course, the conversation.  So possibly searching for things that are important to you… religion, politics, sports, or hobbies… think things you and your future husband could reliably do together and actually enjoy doing together
  2. Even though she didn’t use a picture, I tend to think that’s usually an important part of online dating in order to make sure men contacting you are truly attracted to you.  This wasn’t a factor for her, so she selected her physical beauty out of the equation because she knew she’d be able to vet for character better that way.  She did this purposefully also so that regular men weren’t too intimidated by her to even attempt to approach.  So… it’s up to each girl to decide how she wants to do this obviously, but probably most girls should go ahead and use a reliable photo of what they really look like.  If you do something weird to your photo or use an old one that doesn’t represent what you look like *now*, the man is going to know when he meets up with you, and there’s probably a 99% chance he’s not going to call you back because he’ll feel like you tricked him. Because you DID.  Don’t do it!
  3. Vet hard for character.  Character is the most important thing about a man.
  4. Meet at a safe public place where lots of people are around and don’t go off alone with any man until after more than a few dates.  This “comfort level” will vary greatly depending on each woman and the man she’s seeing, but just be aware enough and don’t suppress your gut-level feelings.  If you have a “bad feeling” about a man (like he’s lying to you or unsafe in some way at a gut-level), best to pay attention to it and not see him again.  You may be right.
  5. Carry a weapon, whether it’s a baton that fits neatly in your purse (I love my baton my brother bought me last Christmas!) or even if it’s just a pepper spray.  Something to kind of help you be able to up your chances of running away would be good.  Mentally go through a scenario where you’d have to find a way to escape.  You’ll probably never have to use your mental preparation in real life, but it’s good to be prepared nonetheless.

 

 

 

Side Note:

Email questions are intended for women, so any men with questions need to go to male sites with those questions, or ask my husband Sheepdog2013 here via comments.

Good options for male questions:

Should You Wait for a Man who Probably Won’t “Commit” to You?

In this strange dating age (era?) there seems to be many opportunities for younger women pairing off with older men.  I’ve read more than a few accounts of this type of romantic arrangement from the man’s side and the women’s side, and unless he really does commit, it never tends to work out for the woman.

I recently came across a good example of this very dilemma over at Enotalone… what should she do?

More importantly, what would you advice my female readers (who may be in or will be in a similar situation at some point)?

Here’s her question:

***

So my boyfriend is 21 years older than me. I just turned 27 and he is 48.

I’ve heard all my life how mature I am and I got bored with my generation before I even turned 21. I am also a single mom, which plays its part. I love on my own and take care of myself. We’ve been together about 2 years with two breaks in between. He was married for 17 years, has two children he helped raise from that union and his biological son is 25, yes a two year difference. He has raised a family, purchased homes, traveled the world, he’s done it all.

His initial interest in me was probably physical and sexual but now it’s grown to much more. My interest was to have fun and do things I can’t do with people my own age. Here’s the problem: I believe he is insecure. Insecure about his age compared to mine, whether or not he can trust me, what’s to come in the next couple of years.

I’m in love with him but I don’t want to spend my good years trying to wait on him to decide if he wants me permanently. I’ve tried over and over to reassure him that I only want him and I’m not interested in anyone else. But like any other man, he is going to move at his own pace. I’m looking forward to marriage and having more kids. I don’t want to sell myself short missing out on things I want out of a relationship. Two weeks ago he told me our relationship status was “undetermined”. After 2 years. This pissed me off. I need to know. Am I just buying time? How long should I wait before moving on?”

***

I’m sorry you’ve spent two years on someone who isn’t committing to you.  I know you say you are in love with him, and I do believe you, but you have to ask if he’s really in love with you?  He may care about you in some way, but I think he’s using you for sex and fun times (to your future detriment), or just to keep loneliness at bay.

There is nothing in it for you to keep allowing him to just use you for sex and companionship… eventually he will get tired of you and move on – which could mean horrible emotional pain for you, and leave you worse off than you were a few years earlier.  That kind of “baggage” will carry over into other (better) relationships possibly, and it’s not worth the emotional trauma to yourself.  I’ve seen that happen to friends, it’s much better to get out now and forget him altogether.

Move on, he has already done everything you want to do with your life (the kids, the house, the building a marriage/long-term relationship, putting his kids through college and watching them become adults, etc.) and is just plain not that interested in even attempting to meet you halfway in those endeavors.

You say you want kids and a family… but he most likely doesn’t at this stage in his life.  You two have no business together and the longer it draws out, the more painful it will likely be.  If he can’t understand how that affects a woman, he may be somewhat of a narcissistic sociopath.

He doesn’t really need you and he really doesn’t want you in his life 😦  Very sad to accept I’m sure, especially since you fell in love with him.  I’m so sorry.

I see you say you “only want him,” and I believe you, but you need to understand that he doesn’t care about that.  He’s lived his “life” even though he’s not even that old – it’s how he feels that matters.

Picking someone closer in age to you that also wants to build a life with you would be MUCH better than this.  Building a life together with my husband has been the best thing I’ve ever done, even in the hard times we’ve gone through together.  It sounds like he is “over” that part of life, and isn’t looking to start anew with you 😦

Value yourself, and walk away from this.

Take care,

Stephanie

Email questions angelpixiedust86@live.com

Our 3-month Beauty

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So September is my birthday month, and I feel like I’ve been given the best birthday present in the world!!!  ❤

After having (and loving) boy stuff for 7 years, it still feels surreal to my husband and I that we have pink stuff around the house and especially all the itsy-bitsy girly clothes in the laundry.

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I think I’m enjoying this a little too much 😉

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Email Questions: Dating in Your 30’s

Something that seems to be a common topic among email questions recently is how to go about dating in your 30’s as a single woman.  Whenever I get this question I have to let the woman know that I obviously have zero experience with what they’re asking me about.

BUT… one of the reasons people have “blog rolls” is to point people where they can find great information that the host either agrees with or doesn’t have knowledge of.  On the right side of the screen, under “Single Women: What Men Really Think,” is a great website resource for any woman out there in the dating market.  Andrew (the author) even has a whole post dedicated to dating in your 30’s:

Female Game for Women in Their 30’s

Check out this gem, too, if you’re really interested:

The Advantage of Dating in Your 30’s

Now for my thoughts on it, since you asked… they aren’t really optimistic so you’ve been warned.

If I were somehow to switch places with you, a single woman in her 30’s, I probably would forgo dating altogether and just seek to live a life alone and find genuine happiness in other things.  Volunteering with kids if you have an ache for children, working fulltime at an orphanage in another country or in a children’s home in the US.  Maybe become a nurse and work with people where you feel like you make a difference in other people’s lives.  Work on a great career in a field of your interest where you can spend your excess money not spent on a family, traveling and seeing places most people would never see.  Have more time to write or read great books.  I don’t know… but dating men would be the last thing on my mind.  I know that sounds crazy, but you asked what I thought and so I’m going to be brutally honest.  There’s a reason why I got married incredibly young and didn’t sleep with anyone before my husband.  I was terrified of being used, wanted to wait to have sex until marriage because of my faith in Christianity and a firm belief that it would be giving my husband a gift that would only belong to him, and even looking back in hindsight, I think that the being terrified of being used was a good thing.  I think more women should be terrified of being used… maybe it would help them decide faster what they really want in life.  I avoided tons of unnecessary emotional baggage and pain by finding someone who truly loved me and cherished me, and committed long-term to me that young and inexperienced.  I don’t think that is easy to find in any way possible when you get beyond your 20’s.  It sounds and looks like it’s a whole different ball-game, and not a very nice one.

When it comes to the 30+ dating market, most of the men dating women in that age range are only out to use those women.  This is not to say a woman in her 30’s or 40’s (or 50’s ?) couldn’t find someone to marry, it’s just that it will be infinitely harder to navigate all the sexual aspects without subjecting yourself to just being someone they want to have sex with.  The reality is men that would be interested in you age wise, can probably pull much younger women and would also be interested in much younger women for long term relationships.  Men are always, however, interested in easy sex.

Then there’s the factor of what kind of men will they be?  If you click on the link above, Andrew goes on about why you should avoid different kinds of men….  No men in their 20’s, no men over 40, no divorced men… lol… there’s like literally NO MEN left after you filter for those things he warns about.  Very dismal if you ask me, hence why I would just avoid dating altogether.  While there are some great catches out there who have been frivorced, it’s my opinion they are very hard to find, and they may have contributed in some way to their divorce which they may or may not be honest about.  With proper girl game, I’m pretty sure you can catch a desirable divorcee, but you’d have to be extremely open and genuine with him (and match everything on his list of perfection lol) or you’ll scare him off faster than anything.  And event then, there’s still the likelihood that you’d just be used and “nexted.”

After reading around the internet a few years now, I’m convinced that older men – the men who would be interested in 30+ women, are very very VERY bad marriage material.  Every single one of them seem to have deep issues with hating (or strongly disliking) women, and I’m not blaming them many have good reasons to not trust or like women, I’m just being realistic that this makes them horrible future partners.  You don’t want them to get with you and then never be able to trust you or love you.  It would be so painful and devastating to fall in love with a man like that, and very much in your best interest to avoid it altogether.

In short, I think you should brutally assess if you can truly attract a good man who would love you, and if not, accept a single life and just make it as good and fulfilling as you possibly can without a romantic partner.  There’s much more to life than romance, even though I fully believe that if you find and create a fulfilling marriage, it can be the most wonderful thing you ever do in your life.  But there comes a point where you may have to accept that having that kind of marriage is not possible anymore, and move on to find fulfillment elsewhere.

 

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Your Beauty is Worthless without Kindness

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Every woman wants to feel as though she has beauty to give to this world, you can see it in the way little girls play dress up, twirl and dance around, and long for their fathers to think they’re beautiful.  Even grown women enjoy getting dressed up for a formal with their husband, or for a night out to feel beautiful.  God created Eve with this deep desire in her heart to be the counterpart to Adam’s masculinity, and bestowed on her the power and ability of giving the world feminine beauty.

Feminine beauty is so powerful, that men often went to great lengths in the past to defend and preserve the nature of it in protecting their countries (and their women), from evil forces taking over.  Men going off to war even in modern times, often carry a picture of their sweetheart in their pocket.  Their girl’s picture gives them emotional strength to make it through the bombings and terrifying things they go through, and it does.  My husband just told me last week that he wanted to update the picture of me with our kids he always carries in his wallet.  Everywhere he goes, down dark dank alleys, confronting mischief and evil and often murders, he carries that picture with him.

Beauty and love are powerful things.  But a word of caution:

Your outer beauty is utterly worthless if you do not have kindness and the beauty of inner character.

Even the most gorgeous woman, without kindness toward others, might as well not be beautiful at all.  How you treat others is so important to who you are and who you become.  Always strive to be kind, you will fail of course at times, but try to get back on the path and repent of any unkindness in the past.

It’s not enough to be merely outwardly beautiful for a woman.  Sure it may “win” you special treatment from time to time, but without actual character and a love for treating others kindly, you will single-handedly ruin every relationship you have on this earth.  It is that important, daughter.  Especially in marriage!

Kindness is often painful

You will realize that being kind often brings pain.  For some reason, kindness is something many people seem to take advantage of, I wish it wasn’t that way.  And sometimes the kindest thing to do for a friend, may make them never want to speak to you again.

You may sincerely care about someone, admire someone, or respect them and show them kindness, but they may ignore it, reject it, or even return your kindness with rudeness or insult.  If you’re a tad too sensitive like your momma 😉 , there will be times when you will actually feel goosebumps from the coldness of someone’s response to your kindness.  It will be painful, and you will want to stop being kind ever again.  I’ll be so sad to see you feel that way.  But that’s normal and happens all the time because we live in a dark world.

That’s when you’ll learn that kindness is for kindness’ sake, not because other people appreciate it or not.  Kindness is who you are and part of your character.

You cannot be truly beautiful as a whole person, without being kind and having character.

 

Things I Want My Daughter to Know: Your Sensual Beauty is God-Given

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Something I want my daughter to be very aware of, is how Christians get confused about how God created men and women and their respective sensualities.  She’ll undoubtedly run into some Christians later in life who truly make her question whether or not it’s “ok” for women to be sexually attractive.  She’ll wonder is it ok for a single Christian woman to be sexually attractive to godly men or if it’s wiser to somehow hide her physical beauty?  Is it ok for a married Christian woman to be sexually attractive or should she ONLY be considered sexually attractive at home for her husband’s eyes?

I’m not talking about modesty issues here, they are important and do make it an easier or more difficult stumbling block for a godly man concerning the issue of lust… but this post is addressing the issue of sensuality and simply being an attractive woman.  I’m sorry sweet girl, but this is more than likely going to be an issue in your life.  You’re already uniquely gorgeous as a baby, and I can only imagine how stunning you’re going to look at age 16.

***

Sexual Attractiveness… Feeling sexually attractive

I read a post a few weeks ago where a Christian mommy blogger literally said if something makes you feel sexy, you probably shouldn’t wear it outside of your home, but only wear it in privacy.  Your husband should be the only one you wear anything sexy around.  I do understand and agree if it’s only applied to things that are immodest or something meant to seduce (lingerie, low cut tops, very short skirts etc.), but many many things can make a woman sexually attractive, and it gets confusing when “anything” that makes her feel sexy (sexually attractive) should be forbidden outside the home.

Heels… dresses… her long flowing hair… perfume… mascara… red lipstick….  Are they wrong?  Are they somehow sinful because they reveal a woman’s sensuality and often make her feel more like a sensual woman (aka “sexy”)?  A few years ago I heard a Christian pastor preach from his pulpit that a woman’s sensuality is sinful.  He may have meant her sexuality or her ability to seduce, I’m not sure… but it just didn’t sound right to me.

This kind of thinking has never made sense to me and has always made me feel sorry for the people who live this way… almost as thought they aren’t wholly female but instead are cutting off a huge portion of who God made them to be.  I actually believe this kind of thinking stunts a woman’s personal growth and damages her sensuality… making her think it’s wrong or bad for her to ever appear sexually attractive outside her bedroom.  To believe she has to become an asexual woman and lose her sensuality just because it may tempt men who aren’t her husband is so against what God would want for His daughters I would think.  I hope to help my daughter understand that her sensuality, her enjoying feeling like a woman, is God-given because HE is the one who made her female and created beauty and thus, sexual attractiveness.

When God describes (allegorically) the way He saved Israel, He tells the story of Him saving an infant who was aborted and left for dead in the dirt covered in her mother’s uterine blood.  Nobody wanted her, but God had compassion on her.  The baby girl is taken in by Him.  She grows up under His loving watchful care.  She becomes sexually attractive, and He marries her, and then helps her revel in her feminine sensuality.

“You grew up and became a beautiful jewel. Your breasts became full, and your hair grew, but you were still naked.And when I passed by again, I saw that you were old enough for love. So I wrapped my cloak around you to cover your nakedness and declared my marriage vows. I made a covenant with you, says the Sovereign Lord, and you became mine.

“Then I bathed you and washed off your blood, and I rubbed fragrant oils into your skin. 10 I gave you expensive clothing of fine linen and silk, beautifully embroidered, and sandals made of fine goatskin leather. 11 I gave you lovely jewelry, bracelets, beautiful necklaces, 12 a ring for your nose, earrings for your ears, and a lovely crown for your head. 13 And so you were adorned with gold and silver. Your clothes were made of fine linen and costly fabric and were beautifully embroidered. You ate the finest foods—choice flour, honey, and olive oil—and became more beautiful than ever.

You looked like a queen, and so you were! 14 Your fame soon spread throughout the world because of your beauty.

I dressed you in my splendor and perfected your beauty, says the Sovereign Lord.”

 

This passage is so interesting to me in the way the Lord describes how he lavishes His love on her with things that enhance her physical beauty.  Even a nose ring is something He gives her… just so different from the way Christians think these days.  Anyway, it is clear that her beauty is what made her sexually attractive, her growing breasts and hair, and then jewelry and fine clothing, etc.  Very interesting to me that God tells us all this.

But back to question or point of the post: is being sexually attractive wrong or something that should be hidden?  From the looks of Ezekiel 16, it doesn’t appear to be.

Things that typically make women sexually attractive to men that are visible even when they’re dressed modestly:

  • Youth or appearance of youthfulness in her face (good skin)
  • Slender body type
  • Proportional breasts and hips and waist ratios
  • Long legs
  • Long healthy hair flowing down her back
  • A positive or cheerful attitude
  • Perfume

All these things have nothing to do with showing too much skin, and yet from what I’ve read through polls and studies (and asking my husband if it’s all true in his opinion), men can be “turned on” by all these things even if the woman isn’t using her sensuality in a bad, seductive way toward others.  There’s a reason why Muslim men force their women to hide their shapes (that would reveal breast, hip, waist ratios) under large burkas, hide their faces in some cases (that show their youthfulness or female features), completely hide their hair from sight, many even don’t allow their women to wear makeup or perfume when out, those things are only to be worn for their husbands. Basically, in Islam, a woman is sinning if she reveals any part of her God-given sensuality (feminine body ratio Breasts:Waist:Hips, feminine hair, feminine facial structures, etc.).  Everything feminine about her, even her desire to wear makeup or perfume – her very sensuality, the very things that make her female, are looked upon as too tempting, sinful, and should be only kept for the eyes of her husband.  Being female is dangerous in their minds.  All signs of being female must be covered up.  Why is that?

It’s because being a beautiful female is equated in the male mind as also being sexually attractive, they are basically one and the same thing.  

When men watch porn for instance, they tend to look at the women’s faces much more than just their body parts (from studies tracking where they were looking most of the time).  Whereas we know when women watch porn, they actually don’t look at the faces as much as men do, but instead spend most of the time looking at the sexual body parts… mostly the genitals.  It’s fascinating to me that men actually look more at the **person** in porn or they at least notice it more and focus on it more, whereas women are the ones who are sexually objectifying the people in porn by only looking mostly at the bodies or body parts.  Society would tell us it’s the other way around.

A Dangerous Beauty

A woman’s sensuality or sexual attractiveness is extremely powerful, and since it’s powerful, it’s also extremely dangerous.  A sexually attractive woman, no matter what she’s wearing (think very modest clothing) is still going to be sexually attractive and draw sometimes unwanted attention to herself at times.  I used to believe that this unwanted attention was bad and even a curse of some kind.  In the Bible, we see a clear example where this scenario can be dangerous when Abraham believes his wife Sarah is so beautiful (sexually attractive to other men), that the rulers in the foreign lands they were traveling in would want her for themselves (to make their wife and have sex with) and kill Abraham.  She must have been extremely sexually attractive in order to garner the attention of men like that – men who could have had any woman (and did!) that they wanted.  I highly doubt that Sarah was dressed “slutty,” or improper in ANY way at all that caused these men to want her so badly.  And yet she was still sexually attractive enough to the highest value men during that time (rulers over whole kingdoms!) to draw unwanted attention to both her and her husband.

So yes, daughter, being sexually attractive can be dangerous, and as we see from reports in the news of couples being attacked when out on dates and the young woman being gang-raped while the boyfriend or husband is held down or beaten… being sexually attractive or desirable can *still* be dangerous no matter what you’re wearing.  However, if a woman dresses slutty, yes, it will draw more negative attention from BOTH men and women because it’s inappropriate or too revealing.  Yes, it can make her life far more dangerous and even make her more likely to be raped, even though modern day women don’t want to admit that.

Men, unless they’re gay or dead, will always notice a sexually attractive woman, even if she’s in a modest one piece bathing suit.  Sexual attractiveness does not automatically mean showing too much skin or dressing slutty.

Your sensuality is very complicated, but it is a gift from God meant to edify you, and bring pleasure both to you and your husband.  In Ezekiel 16, it was clear that His beautiful woman became “famous” for her beauty, yet it wasn’t in a sinful way.  Her sin comes later from pride (due to her beauty) and because of her pride, she becomes an adulteress and mistreats God’s love and care for her.

Eve, like the woman in the allegorical story, was one of God’s most beautiful creations, and her beauty – feminine beauty and attractiveness – reflects God’s taste and art.  Yes, they had to “hide their nakedness” once sin entered the picture, but when He gave her fig leaves to cover up, you notice He didn’t hand her a burka type outfit. 😉   Even the animals skins they used were probably not very long in length or full-body coverage.

There is a reason He created you the way He did, as a woman, meant to enjoy her femininity and not to hide it all under a burka and hijab.  Dress carefully and modestly, but don’t believe the Christians who preach that sensuality is sinful… which really translates to everything that makes you female, needing to be hidden.

 

Depression Cooking with Clara

Just found this woman from Mrs. White’s blog.  Fascinating stuff!  She reminds me so much of my paternal grandmother, whose husband never gave up his depression-era habits.  ❤

She even makes a remark about her mom giving them just a drop of coffee in their milk… but that they “were happy.”

So sweet.