This was a question I got back in 2013 or 2014 via email. How much should a woman in college (or even in her 30’s) chase a guy that she likes? I’ve had other email conversations about topics somewhat like this as well, such as “my boyfriend doesn’t seem to be very interested in getting married (at all) anytime soon…” or “my fiance doesn’t want to set a date, hardly ever makes an effort to see me, and just moved across the country for a great job opportunity – what do I do?”
At first glance, I’m always tempted to tell women that you shouldn’t chase men, but sometimes circumstances make it appropriate and even sensible. It’s all about determining how much he really likes you, or if he’s just using you and “isn’t that into you.” For most of these questions, I had to ask multiple other questions in order to get to the root of what was going on. For instance, with a fiance that is ambiguous about an actual married life, hardly ever makes an effort to see “his girl,” and just moved across the country for a great job opportunity – there were a lot of questions needed to understand if he was serious about marrying her, if he expected her to build a life with him in their new place, if she was emasculating him with her demanding career in New York, and so on. It ended up being that he expected her to move with him, but didn’t want her to feel pressured to leave her job, so without communicating that, he just left and tried to keep the relationship alive from cross country. He was more into her psychologically than it looked but she didn’t know that because he didn’t tell her that.
Once she had that honest conversation with him about his expectations for their relationship or future marriage, she was able to make the hard decisions of whether or not she wanted to continue being a career girl, or give it all up to gain a marriage and family life with **this man** having and being a devoted mother to his children in the future. I say “this man” because she also had to calculate her chances of finding another man she was that into, who would **want** her enough to ask her to marry him and give her the opportunity to be his wife, even it that meant he wanted her job/career to be second to his.
It would have made their lives and relationship a lot easier if they were both just honest with each other up front: she being honest that she wasn’t all that fulfilled with her amazing career in New York – something that made him feel like she didn’t really need or want him that much anyway – and him with his expectations for his future wife in having a career that she’s willing to sacrifice or put second to his. Feminism and it’s lies of treating men and women’s desires as always equal has really made men and women confused about what each other wants and needs as life goals change. She felt like her career would fulfill her as much as a family would, until it finally hit her that she’d actually like being married more. And he felt like she really did care that much about her career (as much as he felt about his own) that he felt it would be selfish to have asked her to move with him and marrying him then, and start a real life together as a family. Both men and women are lied to in this day and age, and told from childhood that these things are truly what women want and should feel fulfilled by (their career). Men are constantly told that women don’t really need them or want marriage that much. So men actually believe this now days. That coupled together with a high value man who has found meaning in his own career (which is how it should be for men), makes everything extra complicated. Men are told that women are just like them in how much they value their jobs, so they believe that and treat women accordingly.
Plus men are opting out
Something I’ve learned from these email questions from young women is that men are not really that interested in marriage these days. At least, not to the degree women are taught men would be by the time they were “ready.” These men seem to be wonderfully fine and fulfilled without a wife in their life… even if they have a great girlfriend – she’s not going to be promoted to wife very easily.
This makes it very hard to understand whether a man is with you, but not that into you, or if he truly wants you to be his wife someday. It’s the woman’s job to make sure she’s not letting herself be used, that if he’s not that into her, that she leaves. This is part of what makes dating so complicated, especially in this environment. Understanding men and what they want has never been more critical.
Trust me, while a high value man won’t be falling all over himself to proclaim his devotion at every opportunity, there will still be strong signs that he values you and wants you in his life, especially if he’s considering you as his wife.
This particular email, however, had the college-aged girl describing a relationship where she was always the one pursuing him, setting up times to see each other, and he generally seemed to still have a lack of interest even after all her trying, but would go and see her anyway.
The first question I asked her was this:
Are you having sex with this guy?
I know women are supposed to be “liberated,” and “sexually free,” but having sex just makes it a million times harder to understand whether or not he’s using you. Sex used to be the main reason WHY men got married younger, because women understood it was a valuable thing that should be kept within safe boundaries of love and marriage only. It used to be a widely known truth that men can have sex with women they don’t really love, and will readily use a woman who puts herself in that position to be used. Women don’t “get that” these days, and I’ve had to tell a couple of them through email what their mothers should have taught them about this truth.
Plus a woman’s sexual behavior was a pretty good indicator, although not always, of whether or not she’d be a loyal and trustworthy wife if he married her. Being a virgin, for a woman, was something that made her more desirable for marriage because it meant a laundry list of “pluses” she’d bring to him as a wife:
- No prior lovers to compare him with (and all that entails… both physically and emotionally)
- No emotional baggage from past sexual relationships (for women, sex makes relationships too intense to where they really imprint on her psyche forever changing who she is)
- No emotional baggage from horrible breakups – that ironically come from that intense bond that sex creates for a woman. These scars seem to be very deep for women and shouldn’t be ignored by a man looking for a wife
- No past crazy experiences with sex or being used or “feeling used” that she has to work through in order to be sexually “free” again with her husband later in life
- No STDs he has to be worried about
- No past STIs he has to be worried she had and “treated” that could still affect her or him later
- No ugly and devastating secrets in her closet like abortion or miscarriages from a prior boyfriend – things that scar a woman and make it harder for her to be great wife material psychologically
- Less chances that they’ll divorce later on in marriage… study findings have recently confirmed that the longest and happiest and best sexually fulfilled marriages are when the woman was a virgin, and that the least chances of divorce was with women who were virgins. Next results were for women who had very low partner counts as opposed to women who had higher partner accounts. But EACH PARTNER dramatically seemed to affect a woman’s marriage outlook and sexual happiness.
- Even if men don’t know these facts above consciously, humans seem to be ingrained in understanding these things subconsciously, as men have always had two types of women: the type they sleep around with before marriage, and the type they “bring home to Mama.”
Considering this list, it is really important to teach daughters how valuable their sexuality is, and try to impress on them how important it is that they try to save their virginity for their husband. Yes, it sounds outdated for non-Christian women, but for Christian women, we’re taught this from very young. The point is: even if you aren’t Christian, you’ll benefit greatly from keeping your sexuality for your future husband. Can a woman still be a good wife if she’s been sexually active? I believe so, but I also think it makes things harder – unnecessarily at that. And if you’re Christian, you have NO BUSINESS having sex before marriage. No if’s and’s or but’s. Does it get complicated if you’re older or previously married, yes it does. But always remember that historically sex was saved so that the woman wasn’t used. It’s in the woman’s best interest, and historically always has been, to save sex for a strong, valuable and committed lifetime partner.
So in this particular email, she was having sex. Surprise Surprise! Thanks feminism for ruining everything and making dating a million times harder for men and women. I suggested she stop and find Christianity and Christian counseling to find out why she’s giving her sexuality away to men (it’s seems to be usually something emotional – cue daddy issues – or just wrong rationalizations of earning love or commitment this way), and start the healing process from letting herself be used. It’s been known scientifically for awhile now that daughters of divorced parents are typically more likely to not stay virgins long or wait to have sex until marriage. So since so many millennials have come from divorced families, the promiscuity among them shouldn’t really be shocking. It’s hard to believe in something you’ve seen and experienced dramatically with your emotions, fail consistently. So while I understand that almost all millennials are having sex prior to marriage, it still doesn’t change the fact that these women having sex with their boyfriends complicates the relationship and their impending future marriage with that guy or another man later on. It doesn’t change the consequences of it making it more likely for her to be used sexually because she’s making herself too available sexually.
So with that piece of advice, I predicted she’d probably lose the boyfriend since it would show clearly whether or not he truly loved her, or was just using her as a convenient booty call. She found out, which she would have eventually found out sooner or later anyway, that he really was only interested in her for the sex he was getting… hence him otherwise not really being that into her.
Let’s go through the clues again just to make it easy to read here. When a young woman is:
- Always the one to initiate contact with the man
- Always the one to set up times to see each other
- Usually having sex when they have these “dates” – which aren’t really dates but sexcapades back at her or his apartment
- The only one interested in keeping up the “relationship” where he doesn’t seem to care much
- Has that sense that if she were to stop having sex, he’d just move on to someone else or they’d have nothing else to do together
If these things are happening to her (or you reading along), it’s time to cut your losses and move on. In the famous words of Greg & Liz,
“He’s Just Not That Into You!”
So no, you don’t chase this man. You let him go, because truly… you never really “had” him.
The great thing about this, is you can change and realize what you’re doing to yourself and start to value your sexuality for what it is. Although I do strongly recommend good counseling to find out the why behind your having sex with men or boyfriends – is it just because you were never taught to save it for marriage, or is it something deeper and more worrying… like your dad leaving when you were young because your parents divorced and you don’t trust men to be good and the value of marriage?
A man who values you as a potential wife will also want to have sex with you before marriage, but he won’t use you. All the same though, having sex before marriage will make it more likely for the relationship to turn toward him using you, because men tend to get tired of women who they’re having sex with if they’re not in a committed marriage with them. It’s a mystery, even I’m not completely sure why a man “gets tired” of a girlfriend he’s sexually active with. Sometimes it works out and they get married, but a lot of times it doesn’t.
Hope this answers any lurkers’ questions! Keep lurking and emailing if you’re too embarrassed to ask these in the comments section. I’m only doing this because it’s annoying that no one else seems to be, in the mainstream, for you younger people out there still stuck in the HORRIFIC dating stage of life. It’s not fair that you didn’t have moms that guided you with this valuable information… and since mine did, I feel like it’s wrong not to write about it or answer questions like this when asked.
And for the mentally ill nutcases who still think I should answer political questions etc…. questions like this one are fun and have a “low emotional cost” for me to answer publicly here, they also probably won’t attract more mentally ill obsessive like you 🙂 so if you want the interesting drama of political stuff, my advice remains the same.
Are there ever times you SHOULD or CAN chase a man? Yes!!
- If he’s too shy
- If he’s divorced and burned (but still stable and a great catch – which a lot of frivorced men are)
- If he doesn’t think you’d be into him (one of the most romantic examples of this Ruth & and Boaz) Read here.