Why Marriage Groups Can Turn into “Let’s Rag on My Husband’s Flaws Publicly”

When writing the Proverbs 31 woman study series and book, I was blown away by how wonderful and inspiring this ancient archetype’s love for her husband is described.  Each tiny verse gave way to pages and pages of studying all over the Bible – we found verses that coincided with the words and meanings to give us a much richer, deeper view of the tapestry of her life and actions.  I’ve honestly never studied something so fascinating and relatable to my life right now, what I’m trying to be and do for our family.  The women who were studying along with it who gave me valuable feedback experienced those same feelings as well.

Again… it is mind-blowing how deep this tiny passage of scriptures goes when it comes to how women (Christian women) should be loving our husbands.  It is so clear that this model is what we’re supposed to be living up to, even though I believe it takes time and maturity, as well as maintaining a close relationship with God so that the power of the Holy Spirit directs you in the way you should go.

But make no mistake, there is a reason why the Bible describes this kind of wife as a rare treasure.  It’s just not common at all to develop your wifely-ness (is that a word?) to that degree!  And when you try, you’re labeled a hypocrite, Pharisee for holding other women up to a standard people will say YOU can’t keep, a “shill,” and be extremely harshly criticized for even daring to talk about a woman’s journey to be more virtuous.

The harsh criticism doesn’t matter, ultimately you will be creating a marriage that is heavenly in experience, and achieving a degree of excellence in how you love your husband that affects people in real life. ❤  In fact, one of the best chapters that dove into truly explaining the depth of your heart toward your husband, in all things, was chapter 4, “His Wife is Overflowing with Goodness.”  In that chapter, it was revealed to me through my husband’s and God’s direction, that the Greek work for “goodness” in the Bible, which is “Agathosune,” literally means, “virtue equipped at every point.”  

It is not the kind of “goodness” described in the English language, I found out.  It is a MUCH deeper, much more like Jesus kind of “goodness.”  Agathosune is described as aggressive goodness, but when applied to our husbands, it must be tempered with submission to his will, and gentleness, and huge doses of respect and adoration for him as your husband.  But an example of agathosune in other relationships (not authority/submission relationships), is that it calls others out on their sin and destructive ways.  It is the very “goodness” Jesus displayed when he overthrew the tables of the merchants in the Temple, and chased them out with a whip, whipping their backs as they rushed out in terror.  I found when writing this chapter back then, that there is no English equivalent to describe that kind of virtue.

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Now, all that said, the reason for writing this post came from remembering my time in different marriage groups – both in person and through online groups where only the wives were present.  I’ll never forget our first experience in a marriage group.  It was only 2 weeks after our wedding (4 weeks after our secret marriage where we did it in court), and there we were with our fresh, baby faces so excited to meet other couples who wanted to pursue God in their marriages and learn to love each other better.

But that’s not at all what we found in that church marriage group.

We sadly saw tons of conflict, negative remarks the wives would make about their husbands – with him sitting right there!!!!  And husbands making cutting remarks back in defense because she just humiliated him in front of practical strangers!  Lord have mercy it was eye-opening and depressing.  We were so naive… and even though I’d spent YEARS listening to Dr. Laura’s awful female callers berate their husbands (and she slam them with hard, cold truth 😀 ) I actually believed that Christian women would somehow know better.

But they don’t 😦  At least not yet.  That’s why in large part, I started this blog to reach out to friends and family who had never heard or realized you create the marriage you want.

BETRAYAL that Regularly Happens in Marriage Groups:

  • An attitude that displays your open disrespect for your husband.  I’ve seen women just freely talk about their husbands’ flaws and bad habits.
  • Using negative words to describe your husband’s character to other women in the group (or men if it’s co-ed like many church marriage groups are).  Words like “selfish,” “unkind,” “lazy,” “fat,” are not words you should use when describing your husband to other people – it’s just obviously not respectful of him.  I’ve seen Christian women do this very easily, and then agree with other wives (who gladly chime in to point out his failings) that their husbands are “selfish,” or “lazy.” One good example of this was when a wife was complaining to the group of 100’s of women online, that her husband loved to sleep late especially when on vacation with their family.  When he would allow her to sleep in, he’d feel tired later on, and she’d feel guilty for even asking him.  I watched other wives immediately chime in with remarks that their EX-husbands used to mistreat them like that, and that he was lazy and being selfish and not a good father!  Something like this probably shouldn’t be talked about in a group setting. There are so many ways to better deal with things like that, rather than allowing other wives, of all things, to persuade you that your husband is “mis-treating you” with his “selfishness.”  What if it’s not really selfishness?  What if it’s a misunderstanding and he’s just not aware of what you need or want?  What if he’s ok with feeling a little more tired if it means he was kind to you in allowing you to sleep in once a week?  Surely there can be a compromise between you two, without destroying his reputation among other people who don’t know him (or you).  Even if something IS selfishness on his part, what good is going to come from letting a group or even 100’s of women online, know you think so little of him and his character?  Just unwise… all around.
  • Talking about your husband’s bad habits… not protecting his reputation from people or strangers.  Giving away free negative information about your husband to perfect strangers online is kind of the definition of foolishness.  There are ALL kinds of verses that talk about the Fool – speaking too soon before they have all the information necessary (slander), using specific proverbs like a drunk person (talking out of place and misapplying Bible verses), not seeing danger ahead and taking cover, but instead plunging right into it.  It would stink to be the husband of a foolish wife who regularly betrays him by talking too much about his failings.  If there’s anything the Proverbs 31 wife would never do, it’s paint her husband in a negative light.  Protecting his reputation and character is one of her basic priorities and a huge part of loving him and being good to him.  Remember, he has an important position in society and sits at the city gates (and praises her ❤ so romantic)!  How does the foolish wife return the favor of a husband who praises her in public?  By revealing his secrets and struggles to people in marriage groups or through their blogs/social media accounts.

 

Bottom line, I think marriage groups can be great and foster wonderful, life-long friendships even, but through our 10 years of being almost always a part of one (or multiple if you count the online groups I’ve been in), the chances of betrayal are WAY higher in groups like this unless they are moderated very well (and sometimes harshly in putting an end to a wife discussing things that should be worked out between only her and her husband).

THE GOLDEN RULE:

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU

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If you want someone to treat you with respect (or protect your reputation), maybe you should consider how you treat others first.  I believe that observing that one rule is what leads to true humility, and honoring others as better than yourself.  Also, be slow to speak, and quick to listen.  And when it comes to your husband, the man you’ve made vows to and are supposed to adore, being good to him, also means protecting him and his reputation (it’s virtue equipped at every opportunity, remember?).

So join in positive marriage groups, but don’t use them foolishly.  Be a good wife to your husband, and protect him always.

Stephanie

 

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Is He Really Sexually Satisfied?

I write to women on this topic because we are the ones who so often are the “gate-keepers” when it comes to sex.  A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life.  But what exactly does a “healthy sex life” mean?  How do we know if ours is healthy?  This is not meant to be a comparison article of who does what or how often, but more focused on the point of how we can be sure that we are having the best sex in our marriage.  And since this is written to wives, I want to know… are your husbands sexually satisfied?

It’s a loaded question, one that I wonder if many women dare to even ask their husbands, and one that entitled, spoiled women will never have the gall to ask their husbands.

We have an obligation, a responsibility if you will, as the “gate keepers,” to make sure our husbands are sexually satisfied, and take responsibility for our own sexuality to make sure that we are, as well.  A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life.  And a healthy sex life requires a great amount of honest and open communication.

A blogger I truly admire, Dan, at Frankly Speaking, has allowed me to present to you his work & thoughts on why and how we should feel concerned with this topic if we truly value our marriage and our spouse.  He has written an entire series on why “Duty Sex” (mediocre sex that is given just for the purpose of checking off that box) isn’t truly satisfying, and leaves us and our husbands desiring more fulfillment.  He also has compiled a list of some great candid questions that a wife (or husband) can ask in order to really make sure our husbands are sexually satisfied.

My husband and I took time out last night after he got home from his work to go through Dan’s questions, most of whom we already knew the answers to… needless to say, it led to a steamy ending.  😉  Read Dan’s piece & try these with your husband, really seek to understand (without judgment if you don’t like his honest answers), in order to make an effort towards the best sex in your marriage.

Dan from Frankly Speaking:

“Is your husband satisfied with the short menu (your current routine or sex life)? If so, how do you know? Do you really know, or is it something you are assuming because of his behavior (the fact that he still wants sex regardless), or the fact that he has not said anything different to you?

If you have never really established a pattern or method for dialog about sex, how reasonable is it to expect he WOULD say anything if unhappy.

Here is my man perspective on this. A husband is currently getting sex from his wife. How much or what kind is not the point. Getting sex is the point. He knows his wife and he never really talk about sex, and he also (more than likely) believes his wife is reserved sexually. Talking about sex will be difficult. If he tells her he is…which bomb word do I insert here?…bored, unhappy, unexcited, not all that interested, wanting more; you take your pick, he foresees her feelings being hurt and her going into a depression and that means NO SEX.

He would like to speak up, but he doesn’t want what he may see as the bedroom privileges he does enjoy revoked, even though married sex is not to be seen as a privilege to be awarded by either party to the other.

If you have not yet established a sex talk pattern the two of you are comfortable with, what he sees happening with bringing this up is sexual Russian roulette, and the gun is pointing at him with bullets in all chambers of the cylinder. It looks Lose/Lose to him.

So, again I ask, how you can be so sure you are right? How do you know he is happy with the short menu?

Does he like oral sex? How many times a week would he like it?

Does he like the sex you have? How many times a week would he like it?

Does he like it when you masturbate him?

Does he like watching you masturbate?

What is his favorite sexual activity?

What does he like about your body; your breasts, your vulva?

What pet name does he have for your vulva and breasts?

Does he like the smell and taste of your body of your body where ever he places his face?

What is his favorite sexual memory of you?

Which are his favorite panties and why?

Does he like stockings?

What is his favorite place to rest his hand on your body?

How many of those answers do you know?

You should know them all, and he should know them about you if you have been married over 3 to 5 years.

This is the place to start when seeking contentment in your sex life. What are the two of you currently happy with and excited by. You both need to begin by knowing you have sexual value to one another. First count your blessings. Then when you are ready to talk change, you are starting from a place of seeking to give greater pleasure to one another and not just seeming to want to improve you own sexual lot.

Pray for guidance and wisdom. This community (Dan’s blog) can can offer our advice and opinions based on our own trials and experience, but we do not know your hearts as God does. When you have prayed, listen for the knowledge God has concerning your hearts. That may be where the change begins, and not in the bedroom, but that change in heart will encourage change the bedroom.”

Book recommendations from Dan:

book1

book2

As you are married for longer amounts of time, Dan mentions that you may have to go back through a set of questions like these – rediscover each other’s needs and wants – since over time and through familiarity, they may have changed.  The goal is for total communication and being on the same page when it comes to sex in marriage.

You want to be having the best sex possible in your marriage right?

Go for it!