The Good or Bad Seductress

mirandakerr

“Do you believe that women can rape men? Or that men can experience regret rape, often when it results in children they didn’t want. Or when the woman wanted to get pregnant before divorcing the man?

This is what a seductress does. Not the innocent initiating (sex) you are referring to. Let’s make a distinction between the two. It is a difference in motive: yours is well-intentioned, the seductress’ is not.”

So… apparently the discussion about seduction has gotten to the point where women are now asserting that it is morally wrong to “seduce” or to play the seductress to your husband.  Seduction, even inside of a marriage, is a no-go zone… it’s “fake,”  it’s “manipulation,”  it’s “deceptive.”

While I do acknowledge that there are women (and men) who use seduction in a detrimental manner – to destroy innocence, to advance at work, or to even steal another’s spouse – to think that a wife can’t play the role of seductress to her husband in a loving, intimate marriage, is a stubborn and senseless view coming from suffocating religious legalism.

But first, let’s take a look at the anatomy of why seduction works in the first place with men:

Men, even the most confident man, have the deepest need to feel desired – they want to feel like their wife (the most important woman in their life) desires them with a raw, passionate desire.

How a woman shows her man that she desires him is by pursuing him.  Romancing her husband, taking the time doing the little things that are above and beyond what the typical wife cares to do, all in order to show that she’s thinking about him, and loves him deeply.

Pursuing him sexually, is where seduction comes into play.

How does one pursue their husband seductively?

Seduction takes forethought.  It takes a little bit of planning.  A wife shows her husband that she loves him enough in order to think and devise ways to get him into bed early – or to let him know that she is craving him that night.

Is there a difference between simply initiating sex with your husband and “seducing” him into sex that night?

Yes, there really is.  Initiating sex with your husband (without using any seduction) is like a wife saying, “So, do you want to have sex tonight?”  No man would usually turn that down (especially in a good marriage), however, a woman has the power to use her beauty (and womanly seduction) to increase a man’s desire by the way she initiates sex.

Instead of coming right out and talking about having sex that night, a wife using seduction will put on perfume, or any scent her husband likes her wearing (body spray or even clean soap scent).  She will do her hair (the way he likes it), fix her makeup if its come off after a long day, put on some fresh lipstick, any amount of primping to make herself feel beautiful.

She will wear lingerie, allowing the seductive fragments to accent her body, or a beautiful vintage corset, to inflame her breasts and increase her cleavage to her husband’s visual delight.  Only he gets to see her in such revealing and tempting clothing, and putting it on is solely for his joy and delight in seeing her this way.  Putting it on is an attempt at seducing him into bed with her.

She may choose to seduce him by wearing nothing at all, and simply meet him at the door naked when he’s come home after the kids are asleep, and say in a seductive voice that she’s been waiting for him (and she has).  The soft glow of her naked body, her subtle curves are themselves, by God’s design, seductive.

A wife can use almost anything, a romantic dinner meal, her husband’s favorite beer or wine, reading to her husband a chapter from his favorite book in her unique voice as they lie in bed together, use a poem, a song, or even soft music in the background as a kind of foreplay designed to seduce him.  Her ability to allure him is only stifled by her inability to think outside the box and use her God-given creativity.

Is there ever a Time a Woman Pursued a Man in the Bible?

Yes!!!  I absolutely love the story of Ruth and Boaz.  I thought about doing a whole post on it, because it is quite an in-depth story.  He is older (Naomi, the mother-in-law remembers him from her time), a mature man.  A man who for some reason, had money but never married.  I may be wrong, but I do not think he was the most handsome man, nor was he some kind of suave alpha male – if either of these things were true, he would have had a wife by this time in his life, especially in the advent of arranged marriages.  Him not being married at this point in his life is a strange thing.

I think Boaz effectively represents the basic, possibly beta (at least in regards to women), male example in the Bible.  His mother was the prostitute from Jericho, Rahab, a foreign woman.  The Jews were extremely racist, and held a very cruel despise towards foreign women that stemmed from watching King Solomon’s demise when he was seduced by (hundreds of) them.  Perhaps he was never quite accepted, perhaps he always felt like an outsider or maybe other jewish families preferred their daughters not marry into his “mixed” family.

Enter Ruth.  She is kind, loving, loyal, full of deep inner beauty…  she receives his oversight and care, even his attractive attempt of authority in protecting her presence in his field because he noticed her.  He noticed her.  So romantic.  Even though she was foreigner, someone the Jews would not be allowed to let cross the threshold into their house at that time, he heard about her love and devotion to Naomi, and saw to it that he watched over her well-being.

But something kept him from pursuing her.

You can be sure it wasn’t for lack of attraction to her, for when she pursues him, he is so pleased he cannot contain his happiness that she would love him.  It is the sweetest, most beautiful story of a female using her womanly (albeit very subtle) techniques of seduction to help a man who for whatever reason, was not confident enough to claim her for himself right away.

Here is an excerpt from the chapter Arousing Adam in the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge:

Ruth, as you’ll remember, is the daughter-in-law of a Jewish woman named Naomi.  Both women have lost their husbands and are in a pretty bad way; they have no man looking out for them, their financial status is below poverty line, and they are vulnerable in many other ways as well.  Things begin to look up when Ruth catches the eye of a wealthy single man named Boaz.  Boaz is a good man, this we know.  He offers her some protection and some food.  But Boaz is not giving Ruth what she really needs – a ring.

So what does Ruth do?  She seduces him. Here’s the scene: The men have been working dawn till dusk to bring in the barley harvest; they’ve just finished and now it’s party time.  Ruth takes a bubble bath and puts on a knockout dress; then she waits for the right moment.  That moment happens to be late in the evening after Boaz has had a little too much to drink: “When Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits…” (Ruth 3:7).  “Good spirits” is in there for the more conservative readers.  The man is drunk, which is evident from what he does next: pass out.  “… he went over to lie down at the far end of the grain pile” (3:7).  What happens next is simply scandalous; the verse continues, “Ruth approached quietly, uncovered his feet and lay down.”

There is no possible reading of this passage that is “safe” or “nice.”  This is seduction pure and simple – and God holds it up for all women to follow when He not only gives Ruth her own book in the Bible but also names her in the genealogy.  Yes, there are folks that’ll try to tell you that it’s perfectly common for a beautiful single woman “in that culture” to approach a single man (who’s had too much to drink) in the middle of the night with no one else around (the far side of the grain pile) and tuck herself under the covers.  They’re the same folks who’ll tell you that the Song of Solomon is nothing more than a “theological metaphor referring to Christ and his bride.”  Ask ’em what they do with passages like “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.  I said ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit'” (Song 7:7-8).  That’s a Bible study, right?

No, I do not think Ruth and Boaz had sex that night; I not think anything inappropriate happened at all.  But this is no fellowship potluck, either.  I’m telling you that the church has really crippled women when it tells them that their beauty is in vain, and they are at their feminine best when they are”serving others.”  A woman is at her best when she is being a woman.  

Boaz needs a little help getting going and Ruth has some options.  She can badger him:  All you do is work, work, work.  Why won’t you stand up and be a man?  She can whine about it: Boaz, pleeease hurry up and marry me.  She can emasculate him: I thought you were a real man; I guess I was wrong.  Or she can use all she is as a woman to get him to use all he’s got as a man.

She can arouse, inspire, energize… seduce him.  Ask your man what he’d prefer.

Is there a Bad Seductress?

I would have to say that the number one threat to marriages, especially Christian marriages, is porn use.  And the Porn Star that the husband imagines having sex with, is a good example of a “bad seductress.”  She, herself, is not bad, but the husband being seduced by her in his imagination (instead of his wife) is what is detrimental to the marriage.  Most men who use porn are either doing it because they’re single (and don’t have a good outlet otherwise), are not getting enough frequent (and fulfilling sex), or are meeting a need their wife is not (or cannot) meet for them somehow.

A man who is fulfilled in his marriage completely, by his wife alone, by a wife who is able to meet his sexual needs, does not allow himself to be seduced by porn (or addicted to porn – where he can’t help but use it because he feels a strong temptation to).  God did not design marriage so that a husband fulfilled by his wife would still feel the desire to be seduced by porn.

I asked my husband what the deal really is with porn, his take on why a husband would still use it when married with a willing wife, and he came up with a great explanation.  In his words, everything about porn is seductive.  There are apparently a million different scenarios out there, all about a man or woman seducing the other into a sex act that is shown explicitly.  Old men seducing teenagers, women seducing married men, the babysitter seducing the husband, the teen seducing a married man, a female cougar seducing a younger man, and much more.  It is rarely a fantasy of the wife seducing her husband in a marriage the way God intended for it to be.  Porn is driven (mostly used) by men who are in an unfulfilled sexual situation (either single or married), otherwise they would be having their sexual needs met by their wife.  It makes sense that married men using porn would not be using it to see a wife seducing a husband.  They already have a wife (that is more than likely not able to seduce them for whatever reason, be it a stifling religious conviction, or a Madonna/Whore complex), and the husband instead is going to the porn actress, to imagine having sex with her, to meet a different need that his wife is not meeting.

Why Would a Wife Feel Bad When Seducing Her Husband?

Many different religious sects or churches impart a feeling that sex is only “pure” or “right” if it is done or in a certain specific context or manner.  I knew a girl that was getting married, and for her lingerie shower, she explicitly put on the invitations that she didn’t want to receive anything “too racy.”  

Racy::  risque, suggestive, naughty, sexy, spicy, ribald, indecent, immodest, dirty, raunchy

A wife who feels this way, that certain kinds of lingerie are too naughty for her, will more than likely have problems with feeling comfortable pursuing her husband seductively – it may feel fake to her, indecent, or too sexy or out of character for her to have fun with.

Would a Husband Ever Feel Uncomfortable With His Wife Seducing Him?

Men who have a sexual hangup called the Madonna/Whore complex often do have a huge issue with their wife behaving in any manner other than pure and angelic.  These men sadly undermine their marriage by purposefully picking a wife who is often extremely modest or religious, very feminine or motherly, and then proceed to have a marriage where they (the husband) is not sexually fulfilled by his wife.  His wife is his “Madonna,” his sweet, beautiful, caring, gentle, or even angelic being that he picked to be a good dutiful wife, and a wonderful mother to his children.

But men with this sexual disorder have a problem.  They have their Madonna, they even have sex with her (some have it to lesser or greater degrees however depending on how extreme the problem is), but they feel an intense draw to have a deeper sexual need met – and they only feel comfortable having it met by the Whore.  Men like this often struggle with porn their entire lives unless they work out their sexual issues in therapy because porn is the only outlet that meets this “Whore” need that also does the least damage to their marriage.  Some, however, graduate from porn to using prostitutes, but all are driven by this need to view their wives as pure, and only sexual in a certain light and context, thus they feel drawn to the “bad seductress.”  It makes them feel uncomfortable to see their wife (their Madonna) acting seductively towards them, because they did not pick her for that, and she is stepping outside of the role he picked her to play.  To them, there can be no “good seductress,” because to be seductive, is to be too sexy, risque, naughty, or raunchy.  They don’t want to defile their wife, but they are more than happy to imagine having sex with the porn star who wears lots of makeup, wild lingerie, does virtually any sexual act, and has dyed hair or fake breasts.  This is the kind of woman he feels comfortable defiling, not his pure, religious, good wife.

The wife is the real victim here in our opinion, because she often does not feel enough for her husband, and sadly, he ensured that she would never be by picking her to only fulfill half of his desires.  Every time he uses porn and enjoys imagining having sex with a woman who represents (in every way imaginable) the opposite of his wife, she feels more and more defeated.  A couple who finds themselves in this predicament need to seek counseling immediately so that their marriage is not continually undermined by the husband’s sexual hangup.

God designed the wife to be a complete package for her husband, a mix of the angelic, feminine qualities, a good mother and loyal wife, but also with the allure of the sexual vixen who (only for her husband) can feel freedom in being the good seductress.

 

UPDATED:

I might need to clarify: I’m not saying that men should not ever be attracted to other women, that they are somehow undermining their wife and marriage this way. This is not what the post is saying at all. Men will always be attracted to beautiful women, or feel strong temptation to lust after a woman if she’s barely clothed or naked and suddenly in his path! That is men’s natural design, but that is completely different from pursuing and allowing himself to be seduced by porn (continually) in a marriage.  A porn addiction is not the same as feeling tempted – all men feel tempted, but not all men have a stronghold of addiction of failing to break free of that sexual bondage while in a marriage.

Sexual temptation (baring a satanic stronghold in a man’s life) will usually be a lot less, however, if a wife is loving him passionately and fulfilling him sexually.

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