Why Marriage Groups Can Turn into “Let’s Rag on My Husband’s Flaws Publicly”

When writing the Proverbs 31 woman study series and book, I was blown away by how wonderful and inspiring this ancient archetype’s love for her husband is described.  Each tiny verse gave way to pages and pages of studying all over the Bible – we found verses that coincided with the words and meanings to give us a much richer, deeper view of the tapestry of her life and actions.  I’ve honestly never studied something so fascinating and relatable to my life right now, what I’m trying to be and do for our family.  The women who were studying along with it who gave me valuable feedback experienced those same feelings as well.

Again… it is mind-blowing how deep this tiny passage of scriptures goes when it comes to how women (Christian women) should be loving our husbands.  It is so clear that this model is what we’re supposed to be living up to, even though I believe it takes time and maturity, as well as maintaining a close relationship with God so that the power of the Holy Spirit directs you in the way you should go.

But make no mistake, there is a reason why the Bible describes this kind of wife as a rare treasure.  It’s just not common at all to develop your wifely-ness (is that a word?) to that degree!  And when you try, you’re labeled a hypocrite, Pharisee for holding other women up to a standard people will say YOU can’t keep, a “shill,” and be extremely harshly criticized for even daring to talk about a woman’s journey to be more virtuous.

The harsh criticism doesn’t matter, ultimately you will be creating a marriage that is heavenly in experience, and achieving a degree of excellence in how you love your husband that affects people in real life. ❤  In fact, one of the best chapters that dove into truly explaining the depth of your heart toward your husband, in all things, was chapter 4, “His Wife is Overflowing with Goodness.”  In that chapter, it was revealed to me through my husband’s and God’s direction, that the Greek work for “goodness” in the Bible, which is “Agathosune,” literally means, “virtue equipped at every point.”  

It is not the kind of “goodness” described in the English language, I found out.  It is a MUCH deeper, much more like Jesus kind of “goodness.”  Agathosune is described as aggressive goodness, but when applied to our husbands, it must be tempered with submission to his will, and gentleness, and huge doses of respect and adoration for him as your husband.  But an example of agathosune in other relationships (not authority/submission relationships), is that it calls others out on their sin and destructive ways.  It is the very “goodness” Jesus displayed when he overthrew the tables of the merchants in the Temple, and chased them out with a whip, whipping their backs as they rushed out in terror.  I found when writing this chapter back then, that there is no English equivalent to describe that kind of virtue.

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Now, all that said, the reason for writing this post came from remembering my time in different marriage groups – both in person and through online groups where only the wives were present.  I’ll never forget our first experience in a marriage group.  It was only 2 weeks after our wedding (4 weeks after our secret marriage where we did it in court), and there we were with our fresh, baby faces so excited to meet other couples who wanted to pursue God in their marriages and learn to love each other better.

But that’s not at all what we found in that church marriage group.

We sadly saw tons of conflict, negative remarks the wives would make about their husbands – with him sitting right there!!!!  And husbands making cutting remarks back in defense because she just humiliated him in front of practical strangers!  Lord have mercy it was eye-opening and depressing.  We were so naive… and even though I’d spent YEARS listening to Dr. Laura’s awful female callers berate their husbands (and she slam them with hard, cold truth 😀 ) I actually believed that Christian women would somehow know better.

But they don’t 😦  At least not yet.  That’s why in large part, I started this blog to reach out to friends and family who had never heard or realized you create the marriage you want.

BETRAYAL that Regularly Happens in Marriage Groups:

  • An attitude that displays your open disrespect for your husband.  I’ve seen women just freely talk about their husbands’ flaws and bad habits.
  • Using negative words to describe your husband’s character to other women in the group (or men if it’s co-ed like many church marriage groups are).  Words like “selfish,” “unkind,” “lazy,” “fat,” are not words you should use when describing your husband to other people – it’s just obviously not respectful of him.  I’ve seen Christian women do this very easily, and then agree with other wives (who gladly chime in to point out his failings) that their husbands are “selfish,” or “lazy.” One good example of this was when a wife was complaining to the group of 100’s of women online, that her husband loved to sleep late especially when on vacation with their family.  When he would allow her to sleep in, he’d feel tired later on, and she’d feel guilty for even asking him.  I watched other wives immediately chime in with remarks that their EX-husbands used to mistreat them like that, and that he was lazy and being selfish and not a good father!  Something like this probably shouldn’t be talked about in a group setting. There are so many ways to better deal with things like that, rather than allowing other wives, of all things, to persuade you that your husband is “mis-treating you” with his “selfishness.”  What if it’s not really selfishness?  What if it’s a misunderstanding and he’s just not aware of what you need or want?  What if he’s ok with feeling a little more tired if it means he was kind to you in allowing you to sleep in once a week?  Surely there can be a compromise between you two, without destroying his reputation among other people who don’t know him (or you).  Even if something IS selfishness on his part, what good is going to come from letting a group or even 100’s of women online, know you think so little of him and his character?  Just unwise… all around.
  • Talking about your husband’s bad habits… not protecting his reputation from people or strangers.  Giving away free negative information about your husband to perfect strangers online is kind of the definition of foolishness.  There are ALL kinds of verses that talk about the Fool – speaking too soon before they have all the information necessary (slander), using specific proverbs like a drunk person (talking out of place and misapplying Bible verses), not seeing danger ahead and taking cover, but instead plunging right into it.  It would stink to be the husband of a foolish wife who regularly betrays him by talking too much about his failings.  If there’s anything the Proverbs 31 wife would never do, it’s paint her husband in a negative light.  Protecting his reputation and character is one of her basic priorities and a huge part of loving him and being good to him.  Remember, he has an important position in society and sits at the city gates (and praises her ❤ so romantic)!  How does the foolish wife return the favor of a husband who praises her in public?  By revealing his secrets and struggles to people in marriage groups or through their blogs/social media accounts.

 

Bottom line, I think marriage groups can be great and foster wonderful, life-long friendships even, but through our 10 years of being almost always a part of one (or multiple if you count the online groups I’ve been in), the chances of betrayal are WAY higher in groups like this unless they are moderated very well (and sometimes harshly in putting an end to a wife discussing things that should be worked out between only her and her husband).

THE GOLDEN RULE:

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU

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If you want someone to treat you with respect (or protect your reputation), maybe you should consider how you treat others first.  I believe that observing that one rule is what leads to true humility, and honoring others as better than yourself.  Also, be slow to speak, and quick to listen.  And when it comes to your husband, the man you’ve made vows to and are supposed to adore, being good to him, also means protecting him and his reputation (it’s virtue equipped at every opportunity, remember?).

So join in positive marriage groups, but don’t use them foolishly.  Be a good wife to your husband, and protect him always.

Stephanie

 

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Abigail – The Scandalous Wife?

This study of David, Nabal, and Abigail has been truly enlightening for me.  Having studied it a few times before, I thought I had a decent grasp on the story, but it’s been particularly interesting looking into the hearts of David and Nabal, where they were at emotionally and spiritually in the way they spoke to each other, and the ramifications of giving in to folly that this lesson teaches us.

And now we will look at the second part of the story, the part where Abigail steps in, and in her wisdom and insight, giving the longest speech by a woman ever recorded in the Bible, is able to help both of these men from the fates of foolishness. 1 Samuel 25:12

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Davids men retraced their steps.  When they returned to him, they reported all these words.  He said to his men, “All of you, put on your swords!”

So David and all his men put on their swords.  About 400 men followed David while 200 stayed with the supplies.

One of Nabal’s young men informed Abigail, Nabal’s wife:

“Look, David sent messengers from the wilderness to greet our master, but he yelled at them.  The men treated us well. When we were in the field, we weren’t harassed and nothing of ours was missing the whole time we were living among them.  They were a wall around us, both day and night, the entire time we were herding the sheep.

Now consider carefully what you must do, because there is certain to be trouble for our master and his entire family.  He is such a worthless fool nobody can talk to him!”

Abigail hurried, taking 200 loaves of bread, two skins of wine, five butchered sheep, a bushel of roasted grain, 100 clusters of raisins, and 200 cakes of pressed figs, and loaded them on donkeys.  Then she said to her male servants,

“Go ahead of me. I will be right behind you.”  But she did not tell her husband Nabal.

As she rode the donkey down a mountain pass hidden from view, she saw David and his men coming toward her and met them.  David had just said,

I guarded everything that belonged to this man in the wilderness for nothing.  He was not missing anything, yet he paid me back evil for good.  May God punish me, and even more if I let any of his men survive until morning.”

When Abigail saw David, she quickly got off the donkey and fell with her face to the ground in front of David.  She fell at his feet and said,

The guilt is mine, my lord, but please let your servant speak to you directly.  Listen to the words of your servant.  My lord should pay no attention to this worthless man Nabal, for he lives up to his name.  His name is Nabal, and stupidity is all he knows.  I, your servant, didn’t see my lord’s young men whom you sent.  Now my lord, as surely as the Lord lives, it is the Lord who kept you from participating in bloodshed and avenging yourself by your own hand.  May your enemies and those who want trouble for my lord be like Nabal.  Accept this gift your servant has brought to my lord, and let it be given to the young men who follow my lord.  Please forgive your servant’s offense, for the Lord is certain to make a lasting dynasty for my lord because he fights the Lord’s battles.  Throughout your life, may evil not be found in you.

When someone pursues you and attempts to take your life, my lord’s life will be tucked safely in the place where the Lord your God protects the living. However, He will fling away your enemies’ lives like stones from a sling.  When the Lord does for my lord all the good He promised and appoints you ruler over Israel, there will not be remorse or a troubled conscience for my lord because of needless bloodshed or my lord’s revenge.  And when the Lord does good things for my lord, may you remember me your servant.”

 

I don’t know about you, but when I read Abigail’s reply, I’m shocked and in awe of the enormous amount of humility and grace this woman shows when the natural response would be quite the opposite.  One might expect her to have gone to her husband in a mix of anger and panic, and rant and rave about his actions causing them all certain death.

But Abigail calmly and quietly prepares a great offering of foods as a generous gift to David and his men.  Although the situation is a dire crisis, she keeps her head and her cool, and boldly goes to meet David herself, confident in her intentions and his own goodness.

Abigail comes to David in humility and covers over her husband’s offense, even taking account for it – saying the guilt is hers!  Although I’ve seen her story used deceptively as a way to teach women that they can disrespect and dishonor their husbands if they believe they are acting foolishly, Abigail clearly honors and protects Nabal by covering his sin.

She also calms David’s anger by acknowledging his grievance against Nabal’s mistreatment of him – she acknowledges the fact that her husband is a fool, that his name even means “fool.”  This is not the same offense that is spoken of in Matthew 5:22

“But I say to you that everyone who continues to be angry with his brother or harbors malice against him shall be guilty before the court; and whoever speaks [contemptuously and insultingly] to his brother, Raca (You empty-headed idiot)!’ shall be guilty before the supreme court (Sanhedrin); and whoever says, ‘You fool!’ shall be in danger of the fiery hell.”

-Jesus

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When Abigail refers to Nabal as being foolish (or acting in stupidity), it is not the same as her going to Nabal, and actually telling him “You were a FOOL to treat David that way!”  That particular response WOULD be disrespecting her husband and dishonoring him – speaking to him in a way that God would not be ok with.  Abigail explaining to David, in order to help him avoid reacting in equal folly as her own husband, that Nabal is “just a fool, not worthy of even paying attention to,” is morally right and beneficial in the situation, even honoring her husband in the way that she is preventing innocent blood to be on his hands because of his foolishness.  Matthew 5:22, however, is different from what Abigail did, calling someone something that condemning – telling it to them in a mean-spirited way, is akin to cursing them, something which was taken much more seriously in biblical culture, and something God clearly hates.  In Hebrew culture, if you cursed someone, and it was clear they didn’t deserve your curse, the words and meanings you spoke over their head would fall back onto yours.  Cursing another person was a serious, big deal, which is why Jesus Himself declared that if you called a person a fool, you’d be in danger of going to hell, and it should be noted that Abigail did not directly curse her husband in this way.  She instead used the fact of how he was conducting himself in order to prevent rash and unnecessary violence, and to prevent a good, righteous man from committing great sin.

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Oh to Have an Abigail When We Need One…

I can’t describe how much I would have longed to know and talk to Abigail, and I can’t wait until we get to Heaven so that I can meet her and get to know her soul.  How many times have you wished you had an Abigail to prevent you from reacting in anger or harshness in response to something that ultimately didn’t matter?  I know I’ve had many times where I could have used an Abigail, a person to remind me of God’s plan for my life – of my goodness and desire to be righteous, of my need to act how God would want me to, especially in times of anger.  This is one of the main reasons I believe we as Christians need godly mentors, and as wives, to trust and go to our husbands for their counsel and wisdom.

If you are married to a man (or wife) like Nabal, my heart breaks for you!  I cannot even imagine the pain and sadness you would endure over the years in being linked to a person with that degree of foolishness that they actually endanger your family through sabotaging their career, or endangering their life through their careless words and wickedness.  I’m blessed and humbled to have a wise and incredible man, he has been a wonderful help to me in shielding me from the words of people like Nabal, but he’s also counseled me in how to acknowledge a person’s foolishness so that I know what I’m dealing with, and be confident in disregarding whatever they say, knowing that this pleases God.

Abigail teaches us how to respond in grace and humility to the provocations of a foolish or wicked person.

Notice how she came to David to help him calm down in his anger:

  • First, her non-verbal display of showing him submission and honor, falling down before him – easing the hurt pride her husband’s careless words had caused David.  Our non-verbal responses are so important because if they don’t add up with what we are saying, they betray our message.  Her genuine care for David is shown more through non-verbal actions than even her words.  Her husband mocked who he was, degraded his reputation, and belittled his future anointing as King, but Abigail, in even just her non-verbal actions, undoes all those messages, and reaffirms her belief that David in good, honorable, and righteous.
  • She humbles herself, and takes the guilt of her husband onto herself.  A natural response for a wife in this situation would be to say that it’s her husband’s fault, and that she was innocent, but Abigail does the opposite!  She doesn’t blame her husband, but actually asks David to forgive her for his offense.  This honors her husband and also diffuses David’s anger, telling him to direct it at her instead.  It reminded me of an old story of a child, in their ignorance, doing something disrespectful in front of a king, and deserving death for the ignorant act.  The father runs up to the king, and covers his child both physically and emotionally, telling the king to put the blame on him, to punish him instead.  The father covers for the sin of the child, indeed, taking the sin upon himself because of his great love and devotion – because he didn’t want to see his child perish.  The king, affected by the display of love and affection by the father for his foolish child, pardons both and enjoys giving them forgiveness.
  • She tells him not to pay any attention to Nabal.  This is a very fundamental truth in understanding how to deal with a Proverbial Fool.  It’s not wise to take their words to heart, because they are only meant to insult or provoke, are meaningless, and provide no actual wisdom or insight.  The Fool is not seeking understanding, thus giving them the benefit of the doubt, trying to reason with them or even rebuking them only invites harm on oneself.  Even Biblically, you don’t respond unless it’s absolutely necessary.  You don’t pay them any attention, because they are not worth your time. You don’t give them any words of wisdom because they will only trample on them like pigs would on precious pearls.  When David found himself ruminating over Nabal’s wicked words mocking and insulting him, Abigail brought to light that Nabal’s words mattered very little in the course of David’s life and future.  He would likely never see Nabal again, Nabal’s acceptance or rejection of David didn’t matter.  In other words, when dealing with a Proverbial Fool, you don’t worry about whether or not they like you – you only care about what God thinks of you and if what you are doing glorifies and honors Him.
  • She reminds him that God wants more for him and from him.  Her reply is akin to her telling him in our modern language, “You’re better than that.”  She reminds him not to avenge Himself, but to leave room for God to, something that is repeated in Romans 12 in response to how we should treat our enemies – by not repaying evil for evil, but by “overcoming evil with good.”
  •  She offers him and his men a generous, tangible gift to nourish their hunger, something to remind them of God’s goodness and generosity.  There is just something very powerful about giving a good or well-timed gift, especially in a tense situation that can calm strife or anger, and bring people together.  But it’s worth noting that she doesn’t just come empty-handed, pleading for their lives, but comes bearing baskets of food overflowing from their celebration to comfort and still them – it could definitely be called a “peace offering.”
  • She verbally speaks blessings of affirmation over David, “for the Lord is certain to make a lasting dynasty for my lord because he fights the Lord’s battles.  Throughout your life, may evil not be found in you.”  She speaks confidently of God fulfilling His known promises to David, and assures him of the joy set before him.  This is just such a beautiful gift to a person in David’s situation – someone insulted, mocked, and ridiculed, denied what they arguably should have because of how they’ve acted in integrity.  He was condemned when he had done nothing wrong, was repaid evil for his goodness, something only a wicked person would do, but Abigail takes his mind off of his anger and pain, and assures him that he is doing right, that God is going to bless him immensely, and that his work and success (something that Nabal completely disregarded as worthless) was godly and would be rewarded.
  • She shows compassion and care for David’s personal and spiritual well-being – outright telling him that she doesn’t want him to have the weight of a guilty conscience because he acted rashly – or have the blood of innocents on his hand for having avenged himself.
  • She assures him that God is the ultimate avenger, and that God will deal with David’s enemies, even with Nabal. God is a righteous and just God, and He knows and weighs the motivations in people’s hearts.

 

Abigail protected and honored Nabal even though he was wicked and enjoyed dealing with others in an evil manner.  I think it’s safe to say that Nabal was probably not a man of God, but since the Bible doesn’t say either way, it is possible that he actually was a man who believed he knew God.  Obviously, even if a person believes they are a Christian, if they are continually acting sinfully and in an evil manner towards others, they have a Satanic stronghold in their life, and are not allowing the Holy Spirit to convict them so that they treat others appropriately.

I encourage you to read the end of the story if you aren’t already familiar with it.  David is blessed by Abigail’s appeal, and thanks her and blesses her in return for her discernment.  She returns home to find Nabal feasting, drinking, and celebrating, completely unaware of the terror that could have happened to him.  She waits until he’s sober the next morning to tell him what David was planning to do, and what she did to avoid their deaths.  Nabal has something like a heart attack that leaves him in a coma for 10 days, before the Lord strikes him dead.

When David finds out about Nabal’s death, he says,

“Praise the Lord who championed my cause against Nabal’s insults and restrained His servant from doing evil.  The Lord brought Nabal’s evil deeds back on his own head.”

David then sent for Abigail to become his wife.  And she accepted in grace and humility.

Inspiration

I love Inspiration Fridays… I love sharing what truly inspires me with you!

Back on March 29, 2012, actor Anthony Hopkins gave a talk to the students at Thomas Aquinas college.  He had been driving through that area and saw the chapel tower and stopped to walk around on the campus.  The students started spotting him, “That’s Anthony Hopkins!”  He was invited to come back and give a talk.  His talk is inspiring… about how life unfolds, and gratefulness.  He shares his personal stories and turns his “talk” into a generous Question & Answer hour.

His interaction with the students, humility, and frank advice is simply beautiful.  I hope you enjoy it.