Why Women Don’t Want Nice Husbands

After writing the article on why Women Don’t Want Nice Men, for singles, I decided that another article was needed in application to marriage, and exactly why women don’t really want to be married to “nice” husbands… or why they so often fall out of love with them.

Just like in the Single article, I want to point out that “nice” and “kind” are two different things; “Niceness exists because he feels he has to be that way, it’s forced and unnatural – women are not drawn to this.  Kindness is thoughtful and tender, it’s intentional, and much more of a turn-on.”

I explained in the Single article how Christianity in particular, often sets men up for failure in finding their true masculinity.  Men are told they have to be the spiritual leaders, but it’s clear that if they don’t go along with what their wife wants, they are being a bad, un-submissive husband. (Irony Much??)

Too many women won’t allow for their husbands to lead, to really trust them to make the right decisions for them, and relinquish their control.  It can be in the littlest things, such as letting your husband dress your children (not “correcting” him or making it a big deal if he gets your daughter’s dress on backwards), or help you around the house without criticizing how he does things.  But often it’s even in the big things, like letting your husband decide where your family will attend church (not forcing him to go to one he doesn’t feel right or comfortable in), or a particular Sunday school class, etc.  This problem can be so extensive to the degree that whatever the husband wants to lead his family into, he’s met with criticism and “suggestions,” to do things the wife’s way.  This is emasculation.

So women end up with emasculated husbands that eventually, are not even attractive to their wives anymore, even though they are the ones who partially set them up to be that way.  It’s a combination of our society and the effects of feminism crushing masculinity, as well as men being comfortable in this state of passiveness.  The issue is brought to light when the wife realizes that this isn’t what she wants.

The problem is that Jesus wasn’t just another “nice guy,” he was brave, kind, and caring, but full of strength, passion, and masculinity.  The masculinity of Christ is something you’ve probably never heard discussed in church, but it is there.

 Sometimes women unconsciously seek out men who are nice or passive, so that they won’t have constant fights over decisions – they subconsciously choose a man who won’t stand up to them, or challenge their point of view.  The problem with this is that these women never really gain respect for their husbands, and eventually, come to resent that they have to make the bulk of decisions, and carry a load bigger than a healthy marriage would allow.  They know it isn’t right, they know he should help more or be more engaged, but their very actions (and maybe his own natural temperament) puts the couple in a double bind.  How can it be fixed?

Here’s an example of what I’m talking about, it happens more often than you’d think, especially with our culture of man-hating, more and more women are falling into this trap of wanting to:

“Sarah and her husband have been married fifteen years.  She described marrying him because he was so nice.  I immediately came back with the suggestion that she made that choice because it put her in control.  Now she sees his being “nice” as “weak,” and is frustrated with his lack of helpfulness in disciplining the children.

SARAH: We talked about it and I told him that what I wanted from him is to help me. (a reasonable request right?  you’re supposed to be in an actual marriage)….

DR. LAURA: Except he never does it right, right?

SARAH: It’s not that he doesn’t do it right.  It’s that he doesn’t do anything at all.

DR. LAURA: Because when he does it you criticize him.  Whenever he tries something, in your eyes it is inadequate.  So now he just doesn’t get involved.  This is a vicious cycle.  I suggest you bot go into counseling.  The counselor will remind you to hush up and back off and only suggest something to him.  He has to move forward on his own and not complain about not having control when he refuses to take it – albeit under the difficult circumstances of you not being willing to either give up control or share it.  If he wants to be held in respect in your eyes and the children’s eyes, he is going to have to be more aggressive, which is not naturally his nature.  He can’t blame this all on you, either!  Now, I want you to watch yourself all week and observe yourself criticizing when he does exert control.  When you do that, he figures, why bother.

SARAH: Right, that is exactly right.

DR. LAURA: So even if he only does whatever sixty percent of thetime or sixty percent of how you’d like it, it’s better than zero.  You see, Sarah, it seems wonderful to be in control, but eventually you become overwhelmed and need help and want a partner.  For example, if Johnny intentionally threw the water into the shrub, go to your husband and say, “Can you please deal with that?” and then walk out of the room.  Don’t even watch it happen.  And then – this is the most important part – say, “Thank you.”

SARAH: Okay.”

 

(quoted excerpt from Dr. Laura’s The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands)

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When Mothers Emasculate Their Sons

When you have a child you want to be the perfect parent to them; my son is going to turn 4 years old in June, and it has been so crazy, beautiful, and wonderful all at the same time.  But there are times when I wish I really knew what I was doing – sure you can ask parents, friends, and mentors and get wonderful ideas and advice from different perspectives, but when it comes down to it, you never really know if you’re completely doing everything right.

I think if I had to pick the biggest mistake that a mother could make with her son (and my biggest fear), it would be this emasculation process.  What exactly is emasculation of your son anyway?  Reading Wild at Heart by John Eldredge years ago really opened my eyes to what it’s like to live in a man’s world – his problems, fears, passions, and how things in childhood can really affect his masculinity later on.

Emasculation, as this book explains through it’s examples, is a mother’s not allowing her boys to make the transition from her sweet, adoring baby to a male that wants to be adventurous, wild, and even dangerous.  Not allowing him to learn to shoot a gun when he’s old enough, not allowing him to be with his dad if you’re divorced, or go on hunting trips, fishing trips, camping trips… these things are invaluable to boys and often remembered in their adulthood.

Overprotecting your son (and even your daughter) is just not good.  It gives them the message, “We don’t think you can handle this, so we’re stopping you from even trying it.”  It lets them know that you don’t have confidence in them.  You give them a confidence complex because they constantly feel that you don’t believe in them in the deepest way.

Boys especially, need that affirmation that they really can handle it.  Men have it hard in life, they are always expected by society to be able to handle anything – and this isn’t just our modern society, all throughout history men have been expected to be able to handle life as the sole provider, the frustrations of working to support ridiculously large families, and the brutality and horror of war.  If a boy is expected to be happy later in life, he needs to feel that he can handle it, he needs to know his mother believes in him.

Dads play a special role in this process as you can imagine… they are the idol to a boy.  It’s strange though, that nearly every man I’ve met has had a difficult relationship with his father (including my own brother which can show you how different siblings can even be treated).  The different ways in which dads fail to establish a good relationship with their sons is a different post altogether, but rest assured that dads have the responsibility of bestowing masculinity on their sons – as a mom, I just can’t do it.

“Femininity can’t bestow Masculinity”

 

Even right now this morning as I write, my son has drawn on tattoos of crosses on his legs with his dark blue marker!  His response when I act a little shocked: Well, I like tattoos because I’m a BOY… like Daddy.

Point taken.