Men Don’t Just Want More Sex… They Want to Feel Full

Sex is intoxicating… but it is also the most misunderstood aspect of a marriage.  Most people think that a man’s general complaint is that he wants more sex, when in reality, he really wants (and needs) the most fulfilling, emotionally binding, exciting kind of sexual fulfillment… he just may not even know it.

Men crave not just sex, but a deeper emotional connection with their wives that comes from their wife actually enjoying sex with him, verbally expressing how much she craves him, and the thrill of fulfilling each other’s fantasies in the safe environment of their marriage relationship.

When a woman merely gives-in to fulfill her wifely duties or even passively tolerates a normal sex life with her husband, she is slowly killing him inside (and the passion in their marriage).  Men are much more emotionally in-tune than society generally gives them credit for, they want connection – they want that passionate sex that true lovers have.

Often if men aren’t getting this kind of sexual fulfillment from their wives, they look elsewhere outside the home… it’s honestly natural (even if it is immoral).  If their wife is prudish, always wanting the same kind of sex, or thinking about her to-do list while he’s on top of her, the man is going to feel it!  Husbands want an engaged wife – a wife that’s not afraid to let him know what feels good – or great to her!  He wants his wife to feel in-tune with her sensuality and confident enough to even make sounds if he’s really getting it right.

The last thing a man wants is lots of sex without quality over the emotional connection that comes from really great sex.

Throughout history men have always sought out prostitutes and extra marital sex.  Even today men continue to seek out skilled prostitutes (who know how to really act like they enjoy sex with their customers), strippers, phone sex (men really do love when you use your voice during sex), and the bustling online porn industry so that they can try to sate this need for their sexual fulfillment.  In my experience, most men would give up all of that to have a great sex life with their spouse; they are usually driven to these other options by being married to a woman who doesn’t understand (or sometimes even care about) their need for sexual fulfillment.

So… Surprise Him

Men love for their wife to surprise them by coming-on to them, when a wife initiates her desire like this… or throws him for a loop with a Sex-On-The-Spot kind of action, it momentarily makes him forget altogether the stresses of his job, or any other frustration he is having.  Adding variety to when, where, and how a couple has sex is incredibly fulfilling to a man (and the woman)!

Since I could literally write like 5 books on this one topic, I’m going to stop and give some ideas so that the post isn’t ridiculously long:

  • Surprise your husband with an out of the ordinary sexual experience – either the moment he comes home from work, middle of the night sex, or morning sex if those things are irregular for you

 

  • Play a game of strip poker – make sure you wear the best lingerie you have!

 

  • If you live in the country (secluded area) or have your own private swimming pool or Jacuzzi, try having sex outdoors (in privacy)

 

  • Let your husband know you want him by using some kind of code in the morning that there will be lots of action later when he gets home

 

  • Try setting up your morning routines (or evening routines) so that you take showers together sometimes… this is so sensual and gives your husband the mental images of water running over your naked body for days afterward!

 

Whatever you do, have fun and understand that he doesn’t just want more sex… he wants to feel full.

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Men: Your Wife likes to Talk

Women need conversation, men do to, but usually not to the same degree as the female sex.  Us women talk on average 50,000 words per day, we typically enjoy conversations at work with our coworkers, getting to know them, their life, and their problems they might be facing, but when it comes to our personal friendships and relationships, the need for conversation is at the same level if not increased.  Men on average, only have around 25,000 words per day to use, and for some men, coming home after a long day at work to a wife who’s only used half her tank of words can be overwhelming.  He’s already used his 25,000!

I can’t tell you how many times I’ve seen couples in marriages where the husband is quiet and reserved, and the wife is literally starved for conversation.  I’m sure there are exceptions where the situation is reversed, communication truly is vital to any relationship, however, it is much more common to see talkative women married to quiet, reserved men.

Erma Bombeck complained about this tendency of men to get lost in televised sports while their wives hunger for companionship.

She even proposed that a new ordinance be passed which would be called “Bombeck’s Law.”  According to it, a man who had watched 168,000 football games in a single season could be declared legally dead.  All in favor say “Aye.”

Women typically need verbal attention, questions asked about her life, her interests, the people she’s dealing with on a day-to-day basis.  Women value being with someone who is caring and concerned with what is going on in her life.

“When she perceives this kind of caring, she feels close to the person with whom she talks.  In the female psyche, conversation blends with affection to help the woman feel united with the other person.  She feels bonded to that person as long as the affection and conversations continue on a daily basis.”

For women who are married to men who can’t or simply won’t understand this great need in a marriage, Dr. James Dobson, (founder and President of Focus on the Family), suggests, “that you change that which can be altered, explain that which can be understood, teach that which can be learned, revise that which can be improved, resolve that which can be settled, and negotiate that which is open to compromise.  Create the best marriage possible from the raw materials brought by two imperfect human beings with two distinctly unique personalities.  But for all the rough edges which can never be smoothed and the faults which can never be eradicated, try to develop the best possible perspective and determine in hour mind to accept reality exactly as it is.  The first principle of mental health is to accept that which cannot be changed.  You could easily go to pieces over the adverse circumstances beyond your control.”

No husband is the perfect man who can meet all of our needs, just like no woman can ever truly be the perfect wife!  It is important for us as women to get part of our need for conversation from other women friends and family relationships, our husbands simply cannot be everything to us, and it wouldn’t be healthy if they tried.  “A good marriage is not one where perfection reigns: It is a relationship where a healthy perspective overlooks a multitude of ‘unresolvables,’” Dr. Dobson.

Practical ways to meet your needs for communication:

  • Do not use conversation to manipulate each other or make demands of each other, but to ask for what you want or need with care
  • Don’t ever use your conversations to punish each other – this is mental and emotional abuse and frequently it causes more lasting harm than physical abuse
  • Don’t use conversation to force your spouse to agree with you, use it to open discussions where you can respect both sides of views, and therefore, show respect for your spouse
  • Don’t use your time for precious conversation to go over past mistakes and mess ups.  Use the time you have to talk wisely to care for each other’s feelings
  • Do use conversations to talk about each other’s interests and favorite topics, even quiet people become suddenly talkative when the subject is something they are passionate about or love
  • Do balance the conversation, try allowing 10 minutes for the total and dividing it into half – set the timer, you might be surprised how much your husband gets out in his 5 minutes!  It’s nice sometimes to be given the freedom of having an uninterrupted amount of time.
  • Do use the conversation to learn more about your spouse, people grow and change throughout the years, don’t miss the chances you have to grow with them
  • Do use the conversation time to give your spouse your undivided attention – no electronics allowed 🙂

Husbands, your wife likes to talk (as if you really needed the reminder)… and wives, focus on creating the kind of marriage you want, being gentle and caring with how you implement subtle changes.

(quotes from Love for a Lifetime by Dr. James Dobson and from His Needs Her Needs by Dr. Willard Harley Jr.)