What Happens When You’re the Man She Settled For?

This is kind of a surprising, semi-recent, news-item I guess.  If you’ve already seen this, just know I seem to always be the last to know anything these days.  Very caught up in life and raising babies at this point!  Anyway… last week, the wife of a pro-golfer violently attacked him and his mom in a drunken tirade because he didn’t perform well in his sport that day.  Yea… talk about being a supportive, respectful wife!!

The arrest report says she called him names and threatened that he’d never see his kids again if he didn’t win in tournaments.

This is what happens (I believe) when a wife marries you for mercenary reasoning.  I don’t usually like the different definitions categorizing men into names like “alpha” or “beta” etc. because I think men are more complex than that and often have sometimes characteristics of both those definitions.  However, it does seem to have a lot of truth to women choosing men based on either/or traits that stem from them being an alpha or a beta male.  When a woman chooses a man primarily based on his provisioning, however, this is termed her “beta bucks.”

My husband is an “Alpha Provider,” meaning he has many alpha traits that I find extremely sexy and attractive, but he’s also a good provider for us.  Hence the term (that I did not come up with), “Alpha Provider.”

He also fits the description of a “Wolf Alpha,” which is described here:

post-war-babies-scan_pic1254

Wolf Alphas, unlike Bull Alphas, are more interested in finding an excellent wife and devoting themselves utterly to their family.  Wolves are highly social creatures, just like humans, and the social hierarchy of the pack is an important survival function for the species.  A Wolf Alpha is a man who has essentially made the survival and prosperity of his family, and the members thereof, his personal responsibility.

Bull Alphas make their personal vision or ego their personal responsibility, and see the fulfillment of that vision as proof of their success.  That success is validated by the mad poon they can pull as their confidence and success makes them irresistible to a lot of women.

Bear Alphas have made the ideals and vision of the non-familial group their personal responsibility, and see the continued prosperity and success of that group as a reflection of their personal success.  Their success is validated through social respect and the praise and acknowledgement of their professional peers.

Wolf Alphas have made their family their focus.  Their dedication and devotion is to their personal social and genetic clan, in which they assume a leadership role.  This often means gently dominating the family to ensure proper security, health, and guidance for everyone, as well as undertaking to provide as many resources as possible for the family.  A Wolf Alpha’s dedication to his family (including his wife) is not a betrayal of his Alpha status – it’s an expression of it. 

Bull Alphas make great lovers and poor husbands.  Bear Alphas make (often) mediocre and awkward lovers and distant if competent husbands.  Wolf Alphas make good lovers and great husbands, if they have done a proper job of wife selection (and most Wolf Alphas make a point of that).

It’s interesting that most beta-type men seem to marry women who have usually been with multiple men, or party-girls in their youth, and believe that suddenly they’re going to be good wife and mother material.  Not that alphas don’t also do that, but alphas are more likely to find either a virgin that is younger than them (and lock them down when they’re young), or they tend to marry someone much younger than them, increasing their power and sexual prowess in the relationship dynamic.  It also shows how an alpha man tends to pick a woman of higher value for himself in the longrun.  Instead of an older, used-up woman, possibly with a child in tow, an alpha values himself more than that and goes for someone who will pair-bond with him better (no or low prior sexual partners), and has a proven history of good choices which is the best predictor for later life choices once she’s a wife and mother.

But what happens when a woman sleeps with (hot alpha) men throughout her 20’s and then “settles” for a more beta-type male in her 30’s or 40’s?  She ends up mostly only valuing him for the status or money that he can bring to her – hence the term “beta bucks” to describe men like that.  It’s not a relationship built upon attraction and respect, which eventually causes problems.

“An arrest report also accuses Krista Glover of telling her husband when he plays golf tournaments that “he better win or her and the kids would leave him and he would never see their kids again.”

When a woman picks her man mostly for his status and money or provision, not because she was truly in love with him and attracted to him, when he fails (and it’s notable that all men experience failure at some point… obviously!), she’s strongly tempted to leave him or belittle or berate him over it.  Because to her, the only reason why she married him in the first place was because he was her Beta Bucks ticket to status or fame or money (and in this case, all three).  Or sometimes it’s just that he was “the only decent male” left around after she was done partying her way through lots of sex in her 20’s (this quote was mentioned in the new “mommy” movie Tully and explains why she and her husband live in a sexless marriage).

The men she slept with in her 20’s often end up marrying women younger and less jaded than her, while she’s left to either marry divorcees, or beta men who are less attractive overall.

I do actually think this happens a lot more than we care to acknowledge, partly because we usually don’t view women this way.  Women are supposed to be innocent and incapable of never treating their husbands as commodities.  And the mating strategy – this sleep with hot alpha men in your 20’s, but marry a “Steddy Eddie” just before or around age 30, phenomenon is still not really talked about, because it’s just so taboo.

***

And side note... since my husband has had experience with female violence on their male partners, yes, it does happen, and yes, they do get arrested (he’s been the officer arresting the female… more than once).  This kind of thing happens, even with poor couples on your city’s bad side of town.

Back to the story… this golfer’s wife, Krista, is 36… he’s 38, and they married only 6 years ago!  So she’s a classic case of a promiscuous woman in her 20’s who settled for someone with money, but likely not many alpha traits (or he slid back into beta traits after marriage, which seems to happen), and is now disappointed when he fails to meet her expectations.

What would you say their sex life is like?  I’m guessing it’s extremely dry… and probably has been a dead-bedroom for a couple of years now LOL.  Or maybe she lets him sex her only when he wins?  Yikes!!!

My advice to women?  Don’t marry someone you feel you are “settling” for just because you’re in your 30’s or may feel terrified you’ll never have children.  Marry for love and commitment and to someone you’re attracted to, and who you’ll be able to support even when they fail or have major setbacks in life.

Be a loyal wife, and a loving one that supports (and respects) your husband through thick and thin.

Stephanie

 

Update-

Looks like he took her back and says “everything will be ok” and that they’re “working on it.”  I do wish them well, but it’s notable to say that he’s showing another “beta” trait to allow this woman to do something like that to him, and not divorce her right away.  Most men with self-respect would not give her a second chance to abuse him again like that.

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Who’s In Charge Here Anyway?

manwhisperer

The Man-whisperer

We were taking our cute puppy for a walk this morning through our neighborhood, and I thought I’d let my son try to walk him… again, it hasn’t worked out too well partly because he’s only 5, but also due to the fact that he’s been terrified of the puppy play-biting and for the past two weeks has had hit or miss confidence with the dog.  He’s allowed the puppy to think that he’s the boss of our son – and as a result, has refused to submit when our son is in command at all.  Our walk ended up with our son practically dragging him with short breaks of me taking the leash to show him how to confidently lead him until we were able to get back to the house.  He would walk perfectly for me, and then refuse to walk with our son.

Something I’ve noticed in the past two weeks we’ve had our puppy is that he is incredibly dominant.  He’s sweet, easy for my husband and I to train, can do simple tricks, wants to please in general… but even at the dog parks we’ve been to a few times, he tries to dominate older male or female dogs, push their limits like a puppy will do, play-biting them until they have to establish their own boundaries with him and he learns his canine social rank.  But suffice it to say, this walk left us all so frustrated (especially the puppy!)…   From my point of view, it was hard to control the dog, the leash, my son and his attitude towards the unsubmissive dog, along with trying to push the baby stroller at the same time.  It was a recipe for disaster and one exasperated mommy!

We came back inside to take a MUCH needed break, drink some cool water and I told my son he had to stay in the kitchen and be with the puppy for one hour without being afraid.

My husband takes control

My husband then came into the kitchen, I explained our walk and situation… he immediately took over control and began explaining to our son frame control, and having firm authority in establishing respect with the dog.

He took over and disciplined our son for acting fearful by making him stay with puppy, even forcing him to go outside with it. My husband stayed outside with our son, explaining to him what he needed to do in order to control his fear with the dog and show dominance.

It was so incredibly reassuring and relieving to feel the weight of control and discipline shift from my mommy-role shoulders, onto my capable husband’s.  A father’s unique masculinity and fortitude are so desperately needed as parenting is a million times easier with his strength and presence taking over to instruct or demonstrate.  I watched as he stayed outside a little longer with our son and the dog, teaching how to demonstrate dominant assertiveness, so thankful for his aptitude as a father and husband.  He then came inside saying that he wanted him to play with the dog outside alone for awhile.

Our son played for a good 15 minutes with the puppy, and then ran excitedly to the door and told us that he and his dog were having lots of fun together playing.  This was a dramatic difference from when he’d be outside alone with the dog before my husband had time to teach him confidence and authority.  Before, when he’d be outside letting the dog go potty, he would immediately run to the nearest chair or higher surface in order to escape any potential play-biting or jumping of the puppy.  Him being confident with the puppy and playing with him outside for a steady 15 minutes was a breakthrough!

When it was time to eat lunch, he came back inside and my husband had our son watch a few short videos of the Dog Whisperer explaining masculine dominance and calm authority in different scenarios with difficult dogs.  It led into an interesting discussion the two of them had where my husband explained leadership, and asked our son who is in charge of our family.  Our son undoubtedly answered that it was him.  And my husband asked him why he thought that was?  “Because you’re in charge.”  My husband then explained what it meant to “be in charge,” what that looked like in different situations or even environments with different kinds of people.  He explained why our son could sense that his father was in charge of our family.

Recently, my son stood up to a boy older than him that was subtlety trying to bully or otherwise exert dominance over him at a playground.  My husband reminded him of how he had dealt successfully with that situation, telling him that in order to stop that bully, he had employed strength and assertiveness.  He stood up for himself.  He actually punched the older (and taller by a foot) boy!

My husband explained how even without violence or force you can establish yourself as a leader in any given situation.  He described how he is assertive in our family – he simply employs a feeling of authority in his manner, body language, and voice.  He used the example of how he has managed to show our extremely stubborn and at times rebellious cats, who’s in charge.  They obey him simply by his commanding voice – and its no small feat to get a cat to listen to you and obey you.  He doesn’t use violence or brute force, however, his voice alone has the strength and authority that makes them feel like they have to obey.

Later that day,

I needed to take the boys and the dog out again to check the mail, and this time, the walking went a lot easier.  When the puppy would refuse to submit and walk with my son, he stopped, assumed a more masculine body language and frame of mind, talked calmly to the dog, and the dog would resume walking.  It was the perfect combination of strength and gentleness… and it was like some kind of miracle watching it work for the dog to follow.

***

The whole thing got me thinking about leadership, dominance, and willingness to submit or follow.  Even though humans are drastically more complex than what can be simply related to canine behavior, the basics of dominance, authority, confidence, or submission are all entities used everyday in human relations.  In fact, you could say that it is extremely important in order to survive in society to understand these underlying dynamics of relationships.  Confidence, assertiveness, or knowing and understanding when to back down all apply within marriage, with family members, friends, neighbors, and even with maintaining a good relationship with your boss.

When our son was allowing the dog to control him, to be in the dog’s frame, he showed the dog that it was the one in charge of the situation.  Even worse, when our son displayed fear or running away, the puppy’s experience of being the dominant one was reinforced and encouraged.  He had to learn how to establish trust and respect with the dog in order for it to follow him or think of him as a good leader.

The entire situation depended on how our son approached the situation.

The kicker is that he was always able to get the dog to behave the way he wanted to, but in order to use this power, he had to mentally shift into a confident, assertive and dominant frame of mind in order to achieve the results he wanted.  He had to go into the situation with the right emotional mindset and authority.  There was no way the dog would submit to someone he sensed was afraid or out of control – someone he didn’t think would make be a good leader.  Dogs only follow the leader of the pack.  He’d rather be dragged on a leash for 1/2 a mile than submit to less than his idea of canine rank.

It was a difficult and exasperating lesson for a five year old, but enlightening for this grateful mommy.  Learning to approach any situation in our lives with confidence and calm assertiveness in our ability to succeed is crucial to a life of success.  We may fail miserably, but we cannot allow that to control our mindset so that we undoubtedly set ourselves up for future failure.

We have more control in any given situation than we may feel or realize, and by simply shifting our mindset, shifting the way we view our problems, we can find an alternative solution akin to a miracle.

The Nice Guy Wants to Be Your Partner, Not a Leader

I stumbled upon this post (below) over at a forum I used to comment at frequently back in 2008 (a year into my marriage when I thought I could magically fix everyone’s marriage problems), called enotalone.  Back then it was a smallish community of regular commenters and we would try to help any new people who came there with friend issues, family issues, sex issues, or marriage problems.  I loved reading everyone’s personal situations, maybe its the nosy yenta in me, however, I loved being able to analyze a difficult situation and try to find (or listen to) the best advice for that person’s particular situation.

Not everyone seeking answers were ready to hear what we had to say about their predicament.  Much like in therapy, you cannot just disclose everything you see wrong immediately to a person or they’ll shut it out in self defense, and nothing good will come of their experience with you, or from your advice.  You have to slowly help them to see the real problem; you really have to help them come to terms with it themselves first.

What I found striking about this particular post (from May 2014)  is how honest this self-proclaimed (and proud?) beta-male is about his desire to be a partner, not a leader, in a relationship with a wife.

I emphasized the phrases that are particularly important to his particular situation, and want to go through each one to dissect exactly what is going on here in his life at that moment in time.  But first, his plea for help:

***

Hey everyone

I’m trying for some introspection here – before I start just let me say that I’m not looking for this thread for nice guys to complain about how they finish last.

So hey there….I’m a nice guy and I finish last 😛

I’m on the heels of another breakup (long time coming) and just trying to…. get some perspective on my place in the dating world

For any of you who have taken any interest in the Mayer/Briggs personality test, I’m an ISFJ – for the uninitiated, that’s a uber-responsible softie with some other annoying attributes – I was fascinated when I took the test, as it nailed me to probably 90% (I’m an ISFJ that will actually communicate with you and a few other discrepancies)

So my ex and I made the call to separate a few weeks back. There were numerous reasons for this, many boiling down to simple incompatibility:

She’s very high energy and an extremely outspoken and self proclaimed Alpha female whereas I’m a softer spoken artsy type

We didn’t have anything in common that we enjoyed doing together and conversation was really really hard. I found her overwhelming and she found me reeeaaally boring ( I’ve never had that with anyone before)- this one was the main factor as we just didn’t have fun together

Her opinions are hard and fast whereas I’m more….tender I guess towards other peoples opinions and perspectives

We recognized these and our other differences early on and thought we’d be able to make it based on the other attributes we liked about one another. Over time I found her very critical and overwhelming and I would more and more often become anxious and stressed – in all honesty I should have had better boundaries and left ages ago

Fort the last two years we were embroiled in a crazy roller coaster ride with her teenage daughter, when the fog lifted and we had some time to really re-examine us as a couple we wondered what there really was when you take the family (she has 5 kids) responsibilities out of it. In typical ISFJ fashion I threw myself into family responsibilities for the last 3.5 years of our partnership.

Over time, while she appreciated my gentle, giving nature she really found that she wanted more of an Alpha male, more of a challenge, more of a ballbuster (I don’t know how to be a challenge with the huge demands of the family). I understand her wants, but feel they would make more sense were it to just be the two of us, or with a few less kids – it was exhausting.

So much of the literature around this sort of thing will say, be a challenge to your girlfriend, to your wife, always leave her wanting, give her two signs of affection for her every three….that sort of thing.

I’m just like my dad…I’m not a alpha male,

I’m the typical ISFJ guy who will make sure everything runs smoothly, show my love, support you and give you my last quarter cup of Starbucks if you finish yours, you an trust me with your life and your heart.

So….I think I’m just trying to process, my ex has said before to me “you get so lost in us” (meaning the family) and I definitely did, for a long time I was leaving work 2-3 times a day to check on her daughter, we’ve done eating disorder, self harm, suicide ideation, tons of police visits…. I could go on, it’s been a rocky ride, stressful ride. I always say my dedication and support for all her kids and her to be where my strength lay as a “strong male”, while not aggressive and outspoken I was there for all the stuff her and the kids needed, many hospital visits and drunken teen escapades. It felt like a bit of a catch-22 as she’d tell me not to get lost in everything, but she was very demanding (also self proclaimed) and the needs of the family were very high so I didn’t really know how to NOT get lost in everything.

I’m rambling, I guess where I’m at is I’m not sure how to take this (there’s a ton more details, maybe some of you remember some of my posts back in January) but I’m not sure if I went wrong picking someone extremely incompatible with me? Maybe I should have held out for a sweet gentle librarian or am I too “Beta” and gentle which is a turn-off?

If I am too beta and gentle, I don’t really know how to up my game in that regard without compromising who I am (which is a gentle beta-artist by the looks of it)

I was forward with my needs and frustrations with her, but they always got shut down fairly quickly, so as time went on, I voiced my needs less and less. This was a point of frustration for her, but when I explained that it seemed pointless to do so because she’d just shut me down….she would shut that down too……

Is there a place for Beta guys? (as we are called), some people would say “nice guy” but I find that that moniker also includes, possessiveness, passive-aggressiveness and shut off emotions (none of which are me)

I get why women would go for the confidence of the Alpha male, but dang….I’m just not at this point in my life and never have been, I was a quiet baby, quiet kid, etc, I’m just a more peaceful kind of person who would rather be a partner than a leader in a relationship.

Or maybe I was just with the wrong person way too long, trying too hard to fit a square peg in a round hole, I don’t know.

Any thoughts on my rambling mess?

Thanks”

_____________________________________________________________________________________________

First, there is nothing wrong with being a quiet, introverted, or “gentle” male, these qualities do not necessarily have to mean that a guy is feminine (emasculated) as well.  Alpha and beta are much more complicated that what most people seem to try to confine their definitions into.  The best and most simplistic manner I can possibly attribute to what is “beta” is an attitude of deference or subservience to a woman’s opinions, her needs, or her desires.  A kind of lack of confident authority or capable masculinity in a man.  Being too dependent on her happiness for his own happiness… allowing her to run and rule the family while he takes a back seat as a pseudo-equal partner, or because she leads better “makes better decisions.”

I give this guy a lot of credit for being honest and self-aware enough to admit that he actually doesn’t want to be a leader… most men who have been groomed into this kind of equality-type marriage adamantly assert that there shouldn’t be a leader (that somehow they both manage to lead and no one follows – yea, right) because they are both equal partners in the marriage.  Society has purposefully created these “beta” males, destining them for unhappiness as they strive for niceness and peacefulness, to be partners instead of leaders in their marriages.  However, no one endures the pain and frustration throughout life like the beta male does.  Let’s take a look at the emphasized sentences a little closer:

1) “as a couple we wondered what there really was when you take the family (she has 5 kids) responsibilities out of it. In typical ISFJ fashion I threw myself into family responsibilities for the last 3.5 years of our partnership.
Over time, while she appreciated my gentle, giving nature she really found that she wanted more of an Alpha male”

He doesn’t give their ages, but a single man who has taken on a woman with 5 children is only a plight a beta male would put himself through… the self-sacrificing, self-effacing giver who prefers to “do the right thing” for someone else, but never for himself (or always puts himself and his needs last).  Forever seeking to be the hero in order to mask their lack of real authority or tangible masculinity in their relationships, in classic white knight or beta fashion, he “threw” himself into family responsibilities for the last 3.5 years of his “partnership.”  Men who have been brainwashed by society to be “beta” believe that the crucible of true masculinity is in how much he can give, how much he can bleed for his partner and children, how many of his needs he can sacrifice, no matter how unappreciative or nonreciprocal his wife (ironically and supposedly his “equal” partner) is.  The problem is that women typically do not appreciate all that the self-sacrificing beta male does, she becomes accustomed to taking advantage of all the “sacrifice” he gives without having to pay anything herself for it, women will use this kind of man (for his goods and services) for a long time, but he will never win her respect and thus will never capture her raw desire.

2) I’m just like my dad…I’m not a alpha male,

This makes me so sad.  I think very few men had a good example of a father-figure in their life who exhibited what God truly intended for a man to be while growing up.  Most fathers are likely too passive, allowing the wife to be the true leader, while he is simply a figure head, pseudo-leader of the family to outsiders… behind closed doors, she is the one who leads.  When children (especially boys) grow up in this kind of family environment, they hear all these mixed messages (in church) about men being the spiritual head or leader of the family, and yet they watch day to day reactions where their father submits, defers, and is subservient to their mother who essentially runs their Matriarchal family.

This thus creates men who grew up with beta fathers, who in turn will produce more beta boys.

Boys desperately DESPERATELY need fathers who are strong, masculine, capable and confident in their God-given position to LEAD their family.

3)  I always say my dedication and support for all her kids and her to be where my strength lay as a “strong male”, while not aggressive and outspoken I was there for all the stuff her and the kids needed, many hospital visits and drunken teen escapades.

This again, depicts what is the crucible to a beta male of what represents true strength or masculinity – his ability to support her and her kids, to be there for her and for them.  He sacrificed his own time and energy in this relationship (that was not even a marriage, and to kids who are not even his own), thinking it was the epitome of being the “strong male” that she’d eventually desire.  He rationalizes that (based upon all his love and dedication and sacrifice), he is her hero and should be (at the very least) appreciated as such.  But do beta males ever get appreciated for all that they are willing to do for a woman (and her 5 children)?  No….  Their reward (this is harsh but so true) is a very unfulfilled or nonexistent sex life, or her cheating on him with an alpha-type male (more common than you’d think), or her using him for years for resources, money, housing, or emotional support, or parenting her fatherless children (as in this case) only to leave him after the fact because she’s finally realized she desires someone more alpha.

Women like this know they desire someone more alpha, but they are not against using a beta male for as long as he allows himself to be used.

4) If I am too beta and gentle, I don’t really know how to up my game in that regard without compromising who I am (which is a gentle beta-artist by the looks of it)

This is a common problem with men who have a skewed view of alpha vs. beta.  There is no one cookie cutter creation for what makes an alpha.  Every man is different, and it is a journey a man has to travel on his own, with God, to find his own identity.  It is probably the most difficult life journey any man has to undertake in order to realize his full potential to be what & who God intended him to be.

But believing that becoming “alpha” will somehow compromise his true “beta” self, he is undermining any advancement in personal growth, healthy boundaries, or even spiritual growth as he forgoes learning to acquire real strength and develop authentic masculinity.  A healthy, strong, masculine man does not allow a woman to use him in such a manner.  Such a parasitic relationship is not what God intended for him to “endure” in order to achieve a kind of “holy” sainthood for his sacrifice and dedication.  Having strong boundaries, a strong sense of self-respect and healthy pride in himself, a confident assertiveness, and a clear mind that can see a situation for what it is and be able to avoid a woman’s petty manipulations – these are all qualities of a healthy “alpha” male.  He does not need to change his innate gentleness or kindness, he just has to make sure he isn’t ruled by these qualities.  He doesn’t have to become some kind of “ball-busting” asshole like he says she would prefer.  While many criminals, sociopaths, and yes, assholes would be classified in the alpha category (and have the women to prove it), they are only alphas because they exhibit these traits (or take them to unhealthy extremes), not solely because of their anti-social behaviors.

5) I was forward with my needs and frustrations with her, but they always got shut down fairly quickly

Another failure of the beta male, is to be “forward” with a woman on what he needs or wants from her, to try to explain or break-down logically how a reciprocal relationship should work.

Women (like any human with a conscience) understand how reciprocity works, it is simply that they feel they don’t have to abide by those particular rules when it comes to nice beta men.  A woman who picks a beta man is not picking him in order to fulfill his deepest desires and fantasies, she is picking him for what HE can do for HER.  It is Emma Watson’s HE FOR SHE in real life played out day-to-day.  HE has to cater to HER, HE has to be there for HER, HE has to put up (or shut up) for HER… and so-on and so-on it goes.  When or if he starts to feel like it is a little one-sided and tries to explain to her about reciprocity, she plays dumb, doesn’t “get it,” and as in his own example he gets “shut down fairly quickly.”

She just doesn’t want to hear that he has needs, too.  It’s HE for SHE remember?

6) Is there a place for Beta guys?

There is “a place,” however it is not a place he wants to be, because being beta is never going to be fulfilling for a man, he will always feel a tug that something isn’t right, that his true self is somehow being repressed or even oppressed by everything and everyone in society.  He will always feel (unless it is extremely repressed) that he is somehow falling short, failing to be a true man.

There are many men who have found their place and lived the life as a beta man, husband, and father… and they often also find themselves waking up to a woman who doesn’t desire them in that raw sexual way, or who tells them she has never loved them to begin with, or who constantly disrespects him or undermines him in their marriage.  Again, it is simply not a place he wants to be in.

7) I’m just a more peaceful kind of person who would rather be a partner than a leader in a relationship.

Possibly the most wonderful example of true masculinity depicted in literature is that of Jesus Christ.  His unswerving strength, His confidence and capability, His boldness and courage, His assertiveness and toughness – all these masculine qualities were matched with calculated compassion, gentleness, love for children, joy, peacefulness, understanding.  He was not an asshole, nor was he a blubbering emo.  He was not merely a dutiful, quiet beta – He had much too much gumption and gall in fighting with the Pharisees than to be a compliant “peace at all costs” beta.

He stood up for what was Truth, always exhibiting what was the opposite of cowardice.

Which, when you really look at it, a beta male is afraid… afraid of his own masculinity.  Society tells him its too dangerous, undesirable, or even wrong.

But men, nothing could be further from the Truth.

The Competitive Woman

OLYMPUS DIGITAL CAMERA

This… is a photo I snapped of an ad we found in our mailbox for an auto-place in our city.  At first glance, it just looks like they’re having fun, washing the car together, but unfortunately, it displays a whole lot more than that with body-language upon a closer look.

Who is in control?

The woman.  Let’s take a long look at the woman.  Really study her body language and features.  Is she more masculine than your average female?  This could be cute to me if she were more feminine looking, however, even her muscular structure looks more masculine than her husband’s.  In this photo, she is the aggressive one, the one not only in control, but looking like she needs to be in control (and enjoying it).  Look at the husband, really look.  Not only is he displayed as more feminine, he is subjugating himself to her supposedly playful attack.  I say supposedly because most men would not find themselves in his position (feeling over-powered by their masculine female partner) something that was “playful” for them, I think most men would not like to feel the feelings that his body language emits.  Powerless.  Wimpy.  The posture of his hands saying, “Please stop.”  He is under her dominion and out of his role as a strong, masculine, leader.  Instead of strong, he looks weak.  Instead of masculine, he looks strangely feminine here (and she looks unmistakably masculine).  Instead of him leading, he is allowing her to control the situation.

An attractive man of course would love water play with his wife, but I doubt this would be how it would play out for him.  He would probably find himself taking the hose from her and going after her with it.  A feminine woman that respected her man would playfully go after him for sure!  I’m not saying that the picture is in any way wrong for her having control of the hose, hear me out!  I tease my husband all the time, even yesterday at a playground with our sons I had a moment of playful teasing with him in front of everyone there.  My son and I decided we would try to hold down his arms on either side while he was taking a rest.  Was he emasculated like this man in the photo?  Not at all 😉  Quite the contrary… he laughed and flexed his arms inward, causing both of us to move closer as he did some quick move to tickle us both so that we screamed and jumped back from him!

We attacked his strength, but he remained in control all the while.  He didn’t beg for mercy, I wasn’t able to truly overpower him (he is much stronger, with more muscle mass than I’ll ever have).  It was the opposite of what is displayed in this photo.

I know it may seem strange to go into this depth of a simple mailbox ad, but as our culture becomes more and more anti-male/pro-woman, things like this ad – displaying a man counter to what you would expect, as well as the woman with her muscles and body-language over-powering his weak display, I find it a little offensive.  I’m not keen on living in a society where my boys will be told (or shown from every angle) that they exist to be a footstool to women who are power hungry and who think they are more masculine than them.  I’m not happy about being in a culture where masculinity is best displayed as a weak, mercy-pleading male.

It’s the opposite of how God intended men and women to be, a perversion of the sexes and their innate strengths and beauty.