A Husband Confronts His Wife’s Mean-Spiritedness

In this post, I will be presenting an example of a husband confronting his wife on her behavior in their marriage.  In this example, the wife is not just a “normal sinner,” but actually follows a very biblically detailed pattern of the Proverbial fool.  In order to understand the depths of depravity human character is capable of when engaging in folly, first we must look at what the Proverbial fool truly is like – how they relate, how they treat other people, and why they are sometimes more difficult to deal with than even a truly evil person.

We all are capable of acting in foolish ways, being people who are susceptible to our inherent sin nature, however the “fool” described in Proverbs is different from the normal sinner, and using Dan Allender and Tremper Longman’s book, Bold Love, I will try to illustrate the difference.  And give an example of when and how a husband calling out the of his wife was good and beneficial to him, their family, and definitely the wife herself.

First, the Proverbial fool is fairly easy to spot, they are often the loudest, most combative voices in a family or community.  They react in second nature to almost anyone with anger and insults.  If a fool is called out, they often refuse to admit or accept their wrongdoing – and double up for retaliation using mocking, shaming language, even anger and rage.

The Proverbial fool calls attention to themselves because they have to win an argument, no matter how low they stoop in engaging in sinful behavior, or the degree of damage they carelessly do to a relationship, their goal is only to win, and nothing will stand in their path. They have patterns of anger outbursts or jumping headfirst into arguments they enjoy getting into, and this pattern can be daily, or even multiple times a day, or even as infrequent as a weekly occurrence.

A normal sinner, according to Allender and Longman’s viewpoint, is usually convicted deeply enough to not allow themselves to continue in an obvious pattern of sin.  But the fool gives themselves permission to act as if they have no self-control, and constantly give in to their emotions – usually being the obvious emotions of anger and bitterness, but can also be a general contentious or mean-spirit.  Their willing lack of self control is actually justified to the fool, their situation is always an exception and calls for whatever behavior they decide is right in the moment!  Although their sinful behavior or lack of self-control are obvious in their attempts at dialogue or relating to other people, especially when they are conversing about a person they dislike or disagree with.

The Proverbial fool gives themselves permission to not have to abide by godly standards.  In the fool’s mind, their obvious lack of wisdom, prudence, or self-control is justified and excusable, however, because they don’t feel deep conviction or remorse for their wrongdoings to other people, they are constantly behaving in this pattern of returning to their own vomit.

As a dog returns to it’s own vomit, so a fool returns to their folly.

 And now for the example, a husband boldly loving his wife by confronting her on her sin, and disallowing her to remain in her depravity that is destroying their family:

“The power of words is immense.  A word can soothe the soul or cut it to ribbons, and discussion with the fool ought to do both.  When a fool acknowledges any level of responsibility or sorrow, it must not be merely accepted or quickly dismissed, but captured and underscored.  Let me construct a possible dialogue that addresses both the dignity and the depravity in a fool’s heart.

“Assume that Kathy fits the description of a fool, and Ralph, her husband, has been the kind of man who has ignored her cruelty and given his energy to his work and children.

KATHY: Honey, I am sorry for how mean I’ve been to you while I’ve been working on this project. I hope you’re not too upset.

RALPH: Kathy, I am quite upset.  Frankly, as much with me as with you.  This has gone on for years, and I’ve failed you by ignoring it in the past.  That is wrong.  But I am encouraged, at least a little, by your willingness to admit that you have been mean.  My question is, do you want to deal with this or are you looking for a quick absolution?  If it is the latter, then I am far more upset than you can imagine.

KATHY (with slight disdain): Ralph! Do we have to get into one of these psychological discussions again?

RALPH (with quiet strength and twinkle of a smile in spite of a sharp bolt of anguish): No, sweetheart, we don’t. You are mean.  In fact, you can be cruel and contemptuous.  But I feel no compulsion to deal with your heart if it is that hard and cold.  I trust and pray that the woman who asked me to forgive her will one day come to the surface far more.  What would you like for dinner?  I know you’ll be buys with that project, but can I make you anything in particular?”

The authors’ frequently point out that in dealing with a fool, they have strongholds of arrogance that can only be truly broken by their own admittance of their depravity.  Like Kathy, they will sometimes concede that they’ve “been mean” or “I’ve acted rudely,” however, behind those shallow words, there is no real depth of meaning, no true understanding the degree of their heart’s sin – and therefore, no real chance for experiencing godly change.

Paul talks about believers experiencing godly shame and sadness that is crucial to the believer understanding their need for change, however, the fool, even with their shallow acknowledgments of their missing the mark, avoids this reality.

For the kind of sorrow God wants us to experience leads us away from sin and results in salvation. There’s no regret for that kind of sorrow. But worldly sorrow, which lacks repentance, results in spiritual death. 2 Corinthians 7:10

It often can take years or decades of a fool pressing on in their life and relationships, causing pain and heartache in their family or children’s lives, before they even slightly begin to see themselves as they truly are.

A clear biblical example not covered in Bold Love, but great to cover now is of a married couple, where one partner was a classic example of the Proverbial fool, they are Abigail and Nabal.  Abigail was a beautiful woman – beautiful inside and out – she was strong, cunning, fearless, and bold in the way she lived her life, and even in the way she submitted to, but also reacted to her husband, Nabal, who’s name literally translated to “fool.”

 

The next post will be on taking apart Abigail’s story in the Bible, and of course, her husband, the fool.

 

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Malicious Joy – Schadenfreude

In our Joy study this week, we came across the concept that I’ve thought of many times in life, it was the concept of Schadenfreude.

Schadenfreude is a German word that literally means “malicious joy.”  It is also defined as feeling great pleasure when someone encounters misfortune; misfortune meaning anything negative that they are going through: trials in their life, their kids not doing well, drama they have with other people, illness they may acquire, injuries they may get either physically or psychological harm.  I’ve seen some definitions that put forth that it’s synonym is “bullying.”  True, bullies enjoy hurting someone, but bullying can also be to enjoy watching someone be hurt by someone else.

The study guide asked us to reflect and consider when we’ve been tempted to feel this malicious kind of joy at seeing another person’s misfortune.  I’m so grateful that through God’s grace, I have never felt this for anyone… I was a little taken aback that the authoress brought it up in our study about Joy.  Its so anti-godly, anti-Christian behavior.  But low and behold, in the week devoted to understanding what robs us of our joy, there was the example of Schadenfreude.  I have spent a lot of time trying to understand why someone might experience joy or anticipation of someone else’s suffering.  To me, this is possibly one of the worst things a person can allow themselves to feel toward another human being.  It is akin to envy, but much more evil and darker, and I don’t believe people are even aware when they are doing it.  According to philosopher Arthur Schopenhauer, schadenfreude is the most evil sin of human feeling, he is quoted famously saying “To feel envy is human, to savor schadenfreude is diabolic.”

Having malicious joy at another person’s misfortune is Satanic and demonic.  It’s ungodly, the opposite of what God would want us to feel toward another, and yet, I’ve seen communities where Christians engage in it all the time, and feel very entitled to it’s wicked pleasure.

Blogging online has opened my world to see and experience things that I have rarely experienced before I started writing this blog, especially in the way of the trolling (passive aggressive or outright aggression) I’ve received over the two years of blogging.
It’s especially awakened me to the negative feedback or attacks I’ve witnessed other bloggers receive for merely existing on the internet with their opinion.  I’ve seen people undergo smear campaigns where a group of accusers ganged up on one person in order to try to get them to stop blogging.  The blogger’s offense?  Something very minor that the group believes is worthy of their harassment.

I’ve seen a group of people be used by Satan in lying about someone, revealing their private personal information to the general public, and even revealing information about their precious children – their names and ages and where they lived or went to school.  I’ve even seen this same group of people claim that they were the victims, and that the people they cyber-harassed should apologize to them.

While others have had it much worse, the most vicious feedback I have experienced personally, has been sadly from fellow Christian brothers and sisters, people who even admitted to me later, their enjoyment of watching my attackers verbally abuse me online.  It’s Schadenfreude spectatorship.  And it’s been a very eye-opening experience seeing the depth that even Christian brothers and sisters can go when they are alone, anonymous, and behind a computer screen.

I had a young woman, a mother of three little boys, tell me outright that she actually enjoyed watching a man verbally abuse me online, calling me names and slandering me in every way he could imagine.  This same man still slanders me to this day, and yet believes he is representing Christ.  The young woman told me she thought I deserved his treatment because of how I tried to defend myself against his slander.  God convicted her that the Schadenfreude in her heart, her enjoyment of my mistreatment, was evil, ungodly behavior, and from Satan.  She actually apologized to me, and I was given the chance to tell her I forgave her.

There’s Hope.

If you’ve experienced verbal abuse or cyber-harassment (bullying) online, don’t let it steal your joy, and whatever you do, don’t try to counter-attack your attacker, as it never works, and only adds fuel to the fire.  Defend when you can, but sometimes the battles are too complicated, false witnesses rise up to tell lies against you, or the online environment too hostile for one person to defend themselves, that the only right thing to do is to walk away.

Don’t try to counter-attack your attacker, it only adds fuel to the fire.

I’ve also seen that people can be so confused as to the truth, especially when someone gives false witness of what happened, that they mentally block out any explanation you would even try to give to clear up the confabulations.  Focusing on the ordeal will steal your joy, and trying to clear up matters that people have chosen to misunderstand is a futile waste of one’s precious time.

Instead, we should be focusing on pursuing what God wants us to pursue, and this gives one a peace that surpasses understanding, the ability to even offer kindness and joy to our offenders that amazes and astonishes them.

When you’re able to ignore slander, and all kinds of insults or verbal abuse thrown at you from a person or group of people, you grow in a beautiful way.

***

This doesn’t mean that it doesn’t take a long time for you to get to that point.  I’ve only recently begun to realize a few months ago, how much focusing on these things was taking me away from my purpose, and stealing my peace of mind and joy – things that my children depend on me protecting for their own benefit!  But I understand the strong temptation to counter-attack or waste time fighting back in detrimental ways.

Recently this past weekend, one of my husband’s fellow Officers was hit by a drunk driver.  Amazingly, the crash didn’t kill him like so many others, however one of his legs were shattered.

My husband saw the news article online, as well as the usual derogatory comments Police Officers tend to get, however, this time he saw one of his fellow Officer friends commenting online, trying to defend the friend that was injured.  This is something they never try to do, no matter how bad the slander and insults get!  Defending against commenters online who feel emboldened by their anonymity, and get away with saying anything would only be a torturous ordeal for them.  He told me he was going to counsel this younger man, and help him understand that there is NOTHING he can say to combat the cyber-harassment people do online when they think they’re anonymous, and when they have no real life consequences.

Photo Credit Sarah Rahman

Photo Credit Sarah Rahman

These men and women are used to the verbal abuse they receive daily, people tell them things that would make a normal citizen faint or want to violently counter-attack the person.  But watching people enjoy this Officers pain and joke about the way he was injured must have gotten to this man.  And I’ll admit it, the anti-police rhetoric I’ve seen from Christians in online communities has devastated me in the past.  I’ve tried argue that not all of the police officers are bad, only to receive more insults and slander against them, even against my own husband.

We must forgive those who engage in Schadenfreude.

I know that sounds like a hard pill to swallow, but it’s crucial to not letting it steal our joy.  Forgive them, warn against them as Paul did of the men who caused him great harm, even turn them over to Satan as Paul said he did of Alexander and Hymenaeus.  Wash your hands of them so that you can continue on doing a good work for God, not being distracted by their enjoyment of doing evil or causing others harm.

Put boundaries around yourself.

Don’t read the slanderous comments or the passive aggressive posts if they start to steal your joy.  Try your best to ignore the accusations and attacks that are based on ignorance, and forgive the people who foolishly believe the false witnesses.

I’ve found that the best thing is to depend on God for your sustenance, and to bless those who curse you, bless those who insult you, and to know that God sees everything, and promises to repay those who do evil against you.

Thank God for it.

I know it sounds backwards and insane, thanking God for something that is so painful and potentially reputation-ruining, but thanking God for the insults you receive, the lies spread about you, the false witnesses encouraging others to believe wrong things, changes the circumstances.  Thanking God for these things, Redeems them.  It’s acknowledging in your heart that God can even use this to grow you, to make you more like Him, and to work good in your life.

Thanking God for receiving verbal abuse, or feeling other’s malicious joy at your misfortunes also redeems back your joy in life, and protects your mind and spirit from becoming bitter.

Love others, do what is right, forgive those who cause you harm, and thank God for it.

Blessings!