I received an email from a wife who complained about how I’ve written here, and elsewhere she’s seen in comments, that just offering sex is not enough.
If the wife is at least not turning down her husband, then she’s technically meeting his needs, is what the wife argued. I understood what she was talking about was what is commonly called, “duty sex.” Duty sex can be good, if the wife actually gets into it and is passionate and gives her husband good, loving sex, but that wasn’t what she was talking about. Just doing it should be good enough for a husband, because he’s still getting his need for sex met.
I’ve never – even when I was in my teens and a virgin until my husband, believed that men didn’t need passionate, crazy wonderful sex from their wives. It’s what my mom taught me, even down to what women should wear regarding sexy/beautiful underwear and lingerie for their husbands.
I was plainly taught it’s selfish not to wear nice underwear for your husband to see, or to hide your naked body from him, etc. Yes, you can teach virgin daughters all these things without them getting into trouble. My mom did, and I’m planning on teaching my daughter all of the same things about sex, men, and relationships as well.
I went into marriage with clear expectations of what 99% of men would want and be very very happy with, and it made things (in my opinion) probably a million times easier because the more passionate sex a couple has in marriage, the closer they feel and are in every single way!
“But what about in times of pain or pregnancy? Shouldn’t there be caveats as to a wife just, “faking,” it or doing it just so that her husband has his needs met? Doesn’t SHE also have needs?!?! You only care about men’s needs it sounds like.”
I’ve gotten this before, usually in comments here or at other places. Obviously if a wife is in physical pain due to just having had a child, or some other medical problem in her nether regions, then normal sex won’t work. But there are other ways to be sensual/sexual with your husband – sex or pleasing each other, doesn’t have to be off the table completely. And a good marriage (a good wife) will find ways to still have fun, be funny, or enjoy her husband (herself) in other ways.
I DO NOT believe it is good, or helpful, for a wife to just offer up passionless duty sex or, “star fish,” sex.
I think that kind of sex kills the soul of the man whose having sex with you… he’d rather be doing anything else than having sex with a woman who he clearly can tell isn’t into him. You may feel good about yourself because you tell yourself you’re, “meeting his needs,” but a man’s sexual needs usually go much deeper than just the physical when it’s his wife. He wants a real connection that can only happen when there’s passion and love there.
When a wife only offers duty sex, or makes her husband feel bad for wanting sex, she’s doing more harm than good – she isn’t doing him any favors.
We’ve been married over 12 years now, so this is a topic I understand and have had to work around myself; I’m not talking from inexperience here. Right now the nausea during this pregnancy is and has been, SO INTENSE that if I don’t remember to take my medicine, I start violently vomiting by noon and it gets worse during the evening. BUT even with the strong medicine they prescribed me for the nausea, the horrible feeling of nausea hasn’t gone away yet for over 6 weeks! We still have lots of sex, we just try to plan it for when it’s possible, and my husband distracts me from the nausea with his charm 😀 ❤ I’ve found that I need the sex and the closeness it brings us afterward. Amazingly, the nausea actually disappears when we’re having sex, so it’s like God’s granting us that time to connect as a couple, and we need it so much! If I let the nausea get in the way and miss a couple of days of experiencing him, I feel sad, lonely and a little depressed.
In other words, even if you have a situation where it’s less than ideal, you can still either find ways to connect sexually, or just force yourself to connect anyway and try to enjoy it, because having sex/being sexual with your husband is also meeting YOUR needs as well.
Hopefully that helps clear up my position on duty sex or sacrificial sex.
No, it’s not enough to just, “do it,” you need to have your heart in it also. It’s the same as what God wants of us, see below from God’s Holy Word,