When You Want More Kids But Your Husband Doesn’t

This is a topic I’ve thought about a lot 🙂  I could definitely see us having 5-8 children… but my husband, from the time of our engagement, was adamant that he wanted no more than 4 🙂  And I’ve accepted this, although it is a funny thing to tease each other about in good humor.

In reality, this is a very serious topic, and something that could completely destroy your marriage.

I recently was pointed via email to a post written by the blogger The Thinking Housewife, on her advice to a woman who wants more children, but her husband is against it.

Here is an excerpt, but it’s not a long post so I encourage readers to go read all of it if they want:

“If you want more children or fewer children, take it up with God, but don’t do anything that prevents conception. To use contraception is “to usurp the right of God, who alone has the power to say who should be born and who should not.” You say you want two more, but it’s not for you to place an order. Just accept all. To do otherwise is sinful.

I think you should 1) Work on your own spiritual life (see some good talks here) and pray more. 2) Explain to your husband again and again that if you both trust in God, He will take care of you. If your husband is worried about money, that’s understandable but he should ask God for help and for the grace to handle whatever occurs. Why does he have so little confidence and trust? Insist with him that it is wrong for you to use contraception. How does he know that things won’t actually be worse for you financially if you don’t have more children? Neither of you have any obligation to pay for college educations for your children. Remind him of that. 3) Bear in mind that both you and your husband (and all of us) have been formed by a culture that does not understand this issue. Contraception should be illegal, but it’s widely promoted. This should temper your resentment toward him. Continue to talk to your husband and don’t give up. Let him know that your marital happiness is gravely threatened.”

This is by far, the worst advice I’ve ever read on this topic.  Especially considering it’s coming from a Christian writer.

I’m in this position myself, so at least I can relate emotion-wise as to how hard this is to accept (that your husband doesn’t want more babies with you), but again, this is NOT the correct biblical advice women in my position should be receiving.

Here is the advice I would give, and have given to myself, concerning this topic:

  1. You need to trust God, which means trusting that your husband’s decisions for your family (and family size) are going to work out.  He is the person you chose, for better or worse, life is not going to be “perfect,” so accepting the things that aren’t “perfect” (like having 5-8 kids) is a big part of spiritual maturity for you.
  2. Really learning to trust God to let His will be done in your life, when you are submitting to your husband’s leadership as well, provides so much spiritual growth and maturity in finding peace and lasting contentment with His provision for you.
  3. NEVER… NEVER threaten your husband with the happiness of your marriage by making him feel like he **has** to do what you want him to do – especially regarding him having more children with you.  That is the ultimate worst advice for achieving a godly, happy marriage and children I’ve ever read in the orthosphere.  You cannot.. I repeat, you cannot, make a husband feel guilt-tripped into doing what you want, and still retain a loving, trust-filled marriage 😦 .
  4. Contraception issues should be worked out BEFORE marriage, never during marriage.  If a wife feels convicted over using contraceptives, she needs to pray for forgiveness, but still follow her husband’s lead on the subject, and NEVER hold it against him.  She needs to regularly pray for her to never build up resentment or bitterness toward her husband over this issue, and just accept that she should have worked it out before marriage.  This is just her cross she must bear, and she must bear it with grace, without complaining and with a good Philippians 2 attitude.
  5. The Bible clearly tells wives to win their husbands over without a word on issues regarding sin.  If she feels they are sinning by using contraceptives, she needs to take this up with God, but not in a self-righteous way of believing she is “better” than her husband.  She needs to pray regularly for acceptance of her marriage and the state it is in, not work to badger him with guilt and using God to get him to be “better.”

For myself… I really don’t let this issue bother me.  It comes sometimes, the feelings or longings of wanting more children after we have our next (and last) child, but I try never to let it consume me.  I would NEVER want that issue to come between me and the man God has given me to help and support in his mission in this life.

Women were created for Adam, and to be Adam’s helper.  To hook your husband into following your plans for your marriage, is to wreck his leadership and headship over your whole entire family.  And your children will definitely end up scarred by seeing their mother berate their husband over his own decisions in leadership (when she should be working to support him).

Set a good example for your children and be a true helpmate to your husband.  This means learning to accept the man you’re married to, his flaws or convictions are of course, part of him.




  1. If you can afford 8 children then you have no excuse for not adopting instead of breeding. Giving birth to 5 children is just greedy and senseless.

  2. This self-righteous virtue signal made me laugh out loud. Thanks! To quote the feminist movement you are probably a part of “Their body, their choice”. Or how about this one: “If your body can give birth to 8 children shame on you for adopting when those kids could be going to women who can’t have any of their own!”. Yeah, it sounds just as lame.

  3. getting pregnant with a child that you will later throw away and give up for adoption, is even more greedy and senseless. you have no business breeding, if you won’t be responsible for your actions.

  4. that philosophy of not using contraception to manage the number of children you have is … interesting, and very legalistic, and imo, does not take into account how God made us.

    IF we were not to use contraception, then imo God would not have made us to be able to naturally control conception. a woman can only get pregnant on certain days, and a man can control where he releases his seed. if God didn’t want us to have any control over that, then imo i don’t think He would have given us the flexibility to do so.

    – – –

    i personally have no problem with couples wanting to have large families as long as they are mentally healthy and are financially able to do so. that doesn’t mean they have to be wealthy, it just means they need to be able to house, feed, and clothe the children they choose to have. and ‘choose to have’ includes those who believe in the philosophy that only God should manage conception – because even in making that decision, one is making the decision on how many children they have.

    – – –

    i have known couples that believe in that philosophy. i’ve known couples who believe in praying before sex that if God wants them to conceive, they will. many who believe this way are extremely legalistic about it believing this is the ONLY way God has allowed us to determine the number of children we have. i don’t agree with them.

  5. I totally agree with your advice, Stephanie. The Bible does not contradict itself. The Lord surely knows how to give more children in spite of contraceptives. May the Lord bless you

  6. I have nothing to do with feminism and I stand by what I said.

    There is no excuse for choosing to be a breeding machine and standing by while so many children suffer in squalor without parents to raise them. Absolutely no excuse.

  7. That has nothing to do with choosing to breed 5 to 8 new lives and ignoring all the ones you could be helping with the money you’re spending to raise them.

  8. It has everything to do with being responsible for your own actions. It is not my or anyone else’s job to pay for your mistakes. Your decision to breed and then throw away your child, is your own doing, and no one else should be forced to pay for it. The only “ignoring” worth condemning, is the ignoring done by the parent giving up their child.

  9. @Ame,

    We definitely use a non-hormonal form of birth control. So we don’t believe it’s wrong or against God’s plan to use contraceptives. BUT we do respect other Christians who may feel convicted that it’s wrong for them. For Catholics and some others, their religion point blank states it’s a sin, so if they want to remain Catholic, they have to accept that.

    To me the issue isn’t so much about contraceptives, it’s more about the faith it takes for a wife to learn how to trust her husband’s leadership, judgment, and decision making for their family’s future.

    I don’t think it’d be fruitful to try to convince thousands of Catholic women that contraceptive use is fine. They’d probably never listen or change their belief even if I tried. But that’s ok because the issue should be more focused on are they trusting in God that He will take care of them even if their husband isn’t doing what they feel is right?

    For anyone struggling with this issue, reading over my post on Sarah and her remarkable life with Abraham kind of nails it home:

  10. Children in foster care and orphanages are no less deserving of having parents than children who are genetically related to their parents. And when you can afford 8 children, you have no excuse for not looking into adoption.

    This has nothing to do with this person absentmindedly and recklessly shoving kid after kid out. It’s disgusting and bizarre and like I said, greedy.

  11. The natural urge to breed at least eventually wears off for rabbits; humans are being positively reinforced for breeding the global population into a mess, it’s ridiculous.

    Find a hobby or interest other than laying on your back getting knocked up and pushing an army out your no-doubt destroyed crotch.

  12. Amanda’s comments reek of immaturity and self-centeredness. Her kind won’t stand to see reason because there simply can be no reason aside from her beliefs. If you don’t think like her your a horrible person. Best to leave her to her own devices.

  13. Yea no kidding! I get hate mail here a lot even via email!

    I think it’s good to let those comments through because it shows how much pure hatred and evil is directed at Christian families right now. I mean, how can it get any more clear than that the attitude that we’re up against?

  14. Unbelievable! Very true, we are really facing a war! I understand that she’s saying children in orphanages and foster care need loving homes too but you can’t tell someone go and adopt a random kid instead of having another one when absolutely NOTHING is wrong with you. On top of it she didn’t need to be so insulting talking about someone’s crotch!

  15. I really appreciate this article. Your piece on Sarah was amazing. This blog is an oasis.

  16. What a lovely article Stephanie, your humble Godly attitude is one of the many reasons I subscribed to your blog
    God bless

  17. I realise this is an old post so this comment may not even be seen, but I appreciated reading it.
    I copped so much flak on another Christian blog for admitting to getting a tubal ligation after our 4th baby – which my husband insisted (for very good reasons) was to be our last. I always wanted a big family so I did struggle with this a lot. Originally, my husband didn’t want any more children after our 3rd one, so there is a bit of a gap (5 years) between #3 and #4. Accepting that this baby (who is now 7) was our last baby was really, really tough. But I’m at peace with it now.

    That last paragraph is so true. Learn to accept your husband. It’s tough, sometimes, but so necessary.

    As for the commenter who thinks adoption is marvellous… maybe it is. But I’m married to a man who was adopted and honestly, he has been so very badly hurt by rejection and adoption, that I don’t think adoption is the answer at all. As a social worker, I know how incredibly hard it can be to like a child that isn’t biologically your own, especially if they were a bit older when you adopted them. That bond isn’t there, and it’s really, really hard to form one, especially if the child has come from a background of trauma. Having the best of intentions and the biggest heart isn’t always enough.

  18. Hi KAK, I believe it really should be up to each individual husband, taking into consideration what his wife wants, too, obviously, but ultimately if you want to have a harmonious marriage, coming to that acceptance of his limits is a must! For mine it’s his knowledge of his own time, energy, and resources (emotional/physical AND financial), and I totally respect that.

    I’m so glad you’ve come to accept the end of babyhood for yourself ❤ I'm sure I'll probably go through periods where it will be really tough as well… to me that means spiritual growth, which is welcome even if it is painful.

    On adoption – that is a WHOLE other can of worms in my opinion. You are right that it's just not the same in many ways, especially because of how studies have shown you can't really overcome some difficulties they may have like genetic predispositions for mental illnesses, or past trauma like you mentioned… BUT I still believe adoption is something spiritually mandated if you look at several verses, God tells us specifically to take care of the orphan, many times even. And to me, abused children are already orphans in a way, and need better parents to take them in.

    I know adoption isn't perfect, but what else would you suggest really to try to help all those kids who need parents or better parents?

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