Why Marriage Groups Can Turn into “Let’s Rag on My Husband’s Flaws Publicly”

When writing the Proverbs 31 woman study series and book, I was blown away by how wonderful and inspiring this ancient archetype’s love for her husband is described.  Each tiny verse gave way to pages and pages of studying all over the Bible – we found verses that coincided with the words and meanings to give us a much richer, deeper view of the tapestry of her life and actions.  I’ve honestly never studied something so fascinating and relatable to my life right now, what I’m trying to be and do for our family.  The women who were studying along with it who gave me valuable feedback experienced those same feelings as well.

Again… it is mind-blowing how deep this tiny passage of scriptures goes when it comes to how women (Christian women) should be loving our husbands.  It is so clear that this model is what we’re supposed to be living up to, even though I believe it takes time and maturity, as well as maintaining a close relationship with God so that the power of the Holy Spirit directs you in the way you should go.

But make no mistake, there is a reason why the Bible describes this kind of wife as a rare treasure.  It’s just not common at all to develop your wifely-ness (is that a word?) to that degree!  And when you try, you’re labeled a hypocrite, Pharisee for holding other women up to a standard people will say YOU can’t keep, a “shill,” and be extremely harshly criticized for even daring to talk about a woman’s journey to be more virtuous.

The harsh criticism doesn’t matter, ultimately you will be creating a marriage that is heavenly in experience, and achieving a degree of excellence in how you love your husband that affects people in real life. ❤  In fact, one of the best chapters that dove into truly explaining the depth of your heart toward your husband, in all things, was chapter 4, “His Wife is Overflowing with Goodness.”  In that chapter, it was revealed to me through my husband’s and God’s direction, that the Greek work for “goodness” in the Bible, which is “Agathosune,” literally means, “virtue equipped at every point.”  

It is not the kind of “goodness” described in the English language, I found out.  It is a MUCH deeper, much more like Jesus kind of “goodness.”  Agathosune is described as aggressive goodness, but when applied to our husbands, it must be tempered with submission to his will, and gentleness, and huge doses of respect and adoration for him as your husband.  But an example of agathosune in other relationships (not authority/submission relationships), is that it calls others out on their sin and destructive ways.  It is the very “goodness” Jesus displayed when he overthrew the tables of the merchants in the Temple, and chased them out with a whip, whipping their backs as they rushed out in terror.  I found when writing this chapter back then, that there is no English equivalent to describe that kind of virtue.

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Now, all that said, the reason for writing this post came from remembering my time in different marriage groups – both in person and through online groups where only the wives were present.  I’ll never forget our first experience in a marriage group.  It was only 2 weeks after our wedding (4 weeks after our secret marriage where we did it in court), and there we were with our fresh, baby faces so excited to meet other couples who wanted to pursue God in their marriages and learn to love each other better.

But that’s not at all what we found in that church marriage group.

We sadly saw tons of conflict, negative remarks the wives would make about their husbands – with him sitting right there!!!!  And husbands making cutting remarks back in defense because she just humiliated him in front of practical strangers!  Lord have mercy it was eye-opening and depressing.  We were so naive… and even though I’d spent YEARS listening to Dr. Laura’s awful female callers berate their husbands (and she slam them with hard, cold truth 😀 ) I actually believed that Christian women would somehow know better.

But they don’t 😦  At least not yet.  That’s why in large part, I started this blog to reach out to friends and family who had never heard or realized you create the marriage you want.

BETRAYAL that Regularly Happens in Marriage Groups:

  • An attitude that displays your open disrespect for your husband.  I’ve seen women just freely talk about their husbands’ flaws and bad habits.
  • Using negative words to describe your husband’s character to other women in the group (or men if it’s co-ed like many church marriage groups are).  Words like “selfish,” “unkind,” “lazy,” “fat,” are not words you should use when describing your husband to other people – it’s just obviously not respectful of him.  I’ve seen Christian women do this very easily, and then agree with other wives (who gladly chime in to point out his failings) that their husbands are “selfish,” or “lazy.” One good example of this was when a wife was complaining to the group of 100’s of women online, that her husband loved to sleep late especially when on vacation with their family.  When he would allow her to sleep in, he’d feel tired later on, and she’d feel guilty for even asking him.  I watched other wives immediately chime in with remarks that their EX-husbands used to mistreat them like that, and that he was lazy and being selfish and not a good father!  Something like this probably shouldn’t be talked about in a group setting. There are so many ways to better deal with things like that, rather than allowing other wives, of all things, to persuade you that your husband is “mis-treating you” with his “selfishness.”  What if it’s not really selfishness?  What if it’s a misunderstanding and he’s just not aware of what you need or want?  What if he’s ok with feeling a little more tired if it means he was kind to you in allowing you to sleep in once a week?  Surely there can be a compromise between you two, without destroying his reputation among other people who don’t know him (or you).  Even if something IS selfishness on his part, what good is going to come from letting a group or even 100’s of women online, know you think so little of him and his character?  Just unwise… all around.
  • Talking about your husband’s bad habits… not protecting his reputation from people or strangers.  Giving away free negative information about your husband to perfect strangers online is kind of the definition of foolishness.  There are ALL kinds of verses that talk about the Fool – speaking too soon before they have all the information necessary (slander), using specific proverbs like a drunk person (talking out of place and misapplying Bible verses), not seeing danger ahead and taking cover, but instead plunging right into it.  It would stink to be the husband of a foolish wife who regularly betrays him by talking too much about his failings.  If there’s anything the Proverbs 31 wife would never do, it’s paint her husband in a negative light.  Protecting his reputation and character is one of her basic priorities and a huge part of loving him and being good to him.  Remember, he has an important position in society and sits at the city gates (and praises her ❤ so romantic)!  How does the foolish wife return the favor of a husband who praises her in public?  By revealing his secrets and struggles to people in marriage groups or through their blogs/social media accounts.

 

Bottom line, I think marriage groups can be great and foster wonderful, life-long friendships even, but through our 10 years of being almost always a part of one (or multiple if you count the online groups I’ve been in), the chances of betrayal are WAY higher in groups like this unless they are moderated very well (and sometimes harshly in putting an end to a wife discussing things that should be worked out between only her and her husband).

THE GOLDEN RULE:

DO UNTO OTHERS AS YOU’D HAVE OTHERS DO UNTO YOU

*

If you want someone to treat you with respect (or protect your reputation), maybe you should consider how you treat others first.  I believe that observing that one rule is what leads to true humility, and honoring others as better than yourself.  Also, be slow to speak, and quick to listen.  And when it comes to your husband, the man you’ve made vows to and are supposed to adore, being good to him, also means protecting him and his reputation (it’s virtue equipped at every opportunity, remember?).

So join in positive marriage groups, but don’t use them foolishly.  Be a good wife to your husband, and protect him always.

Stephanie

 

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8 thoughts on “Why Marriage Groups Can Turn into “Let’s Rag on My Husband’s Flaws Publicly”

  1. One of the problems that causes this issue is that disrespect and rebellion have become “womanly virtues”. What kind of modern woman doesn’t have a much needed streak of “moxie” and “attitude”? A woman without these false virtues is seen as weak. A proverbial doormat! No woman wants that, and the epitome of womanly weakness is being supportive, respectful and obedient to your husband. Your not a wage slave to a boss at a job, your a kept animal, leashed by what? By a man who doesn’t even pay you and expects you do bend YOUR wants, YOUR ways and YOUR will to his! To fend off the possibility of being seen as this lowly creature women, even Christian women, fall back on one of the most approved and welcomed dig: The husbandly assault. Churches love it, society loves it! Both thumbs up! Men are idiots, husbands are even bigger idiots. Everyone knows they would burn water if their wives weren’t around, and if a husband dare come to his own defense well that’s just more proof of his own inadequacy and fault. A REAL man would just let it slide off like water off a ducks back. A REAL, REAL man would laugh along with his wife and probably expound on how stupid he is.

    I’ve been thinking about a lot of posts I have read lately, both here and in a few other blogs and really it all falls back to a husbands authority over his family. No one argues that a woman’s boss at her job has authority, and that she should think twice before going against it, lets she get reprimanded and fired. Husbands have receive no such consideration. Until the chain of authority is recognized and respected, this will continue. Funny thing is marriage is supposed to be a reflection of Christ and the church, and right now we are seeing the same thing out of the church as we see in modern wives. Disrespect, reckless disregard of the scripture, willful disobedience. Its frightening.

  2. What can you do if you see someone complaining about their husband online? It happens all the time to me on facebook, and I never know how to call it out without looking like I’m judging them.

  3. Thanks Snapper, really good comment.

    “What kind of modern woman doesn’t have a much needed streak of “moxie” and “attitude”? A woman without these false virtues is seen as weak. A proverbial doormat! No woman wants that, and the epitome of womanly weakness is being supportive, respectful and obedient to your husband.”

    You’re so right about moxie being seen as a virtue. And thanks for bringing up the “O” word 🙂 The word in your comment that is the MOST hated word for Christian women is “obedient” by far.

    It’s just another way of saying “follow him.” But how many Christian wives would follow their husbands like Sarah followed Abraham (following him even if he lied and created more trouble for them as a couple)? In the New Testament she was PRAISED for following him (even into sin) so well. As hard as that is for modern women to accept, it’s there in the new covenant texts.

    How many women cannot obey and honor their husbands like that, so instead they drag him to marriage counseling to have the Pastor (male but even worse if it’s a female) emasculate him and take his authority away from him in those sessions?

    To me it all comes down to the wife’s attitude problem and if she’s really in love with him enough (or respects him enough may be another way of saying it), to follow him or communicate with him to find solutions to the things she wishes were different. If you love someone, you WANT to please them and align your actions with your heart.

  4. Hi Chrissy, I see it a lot, too. A lot of times if you can tell they aren’t looking for a solution but just wanting to vent, it may be better not to intervene (especially on facebook where a lot of the conversations are so public and anyone can see and then it can fall back on your family).

    If it’s in a group where it’s only the group members advising each other, then I say go ahead and try to drop something along the lines of what works for you. That’s what I tried to do in the example I gave about the woman complaining that she also wanted to sleep in sometimes, but it didn’t work. The divorced women succeeded in getting her to agree verbally that her husband was lazy.

    But you shouldn’t feel like you can’t TRY to say something just because it may hurt someone else’s feelings. Saying what works in your marriage, using a positive example, would be enough.

    There’s that old saying that to show a line is crooked, just lay a straight stick beside it.

    In other words, to show how “off” someone really is, just put out an example of what the right way should have been and then it’s clear to everyone (or should be).

  5. Yeah, I just posted a little blurb on some of the things I learned while attending counseling and some of the various marriage retreats a few years ago. I was such a simp back then and didn’t realize what they were doing, but cutting down husbands and making sure they don’t use the authority they have been given, all while letting them THINK they are, is a horrible thing. The fact that “Christian” counselors push it and churches hold marriage camps that promote it is awful.

  6. “it all falls back to a husbands authority over his family. No one argues that a woman’s boss at her job has authority, and that she should think twice before going against it, lets she get reprimanded and fired. Husbands have receive no such consideration.”

    This part of your comment could be a whole other post, Snapper! Thanks for adding your thoughts! It DOES all seem to fall back on the husband’s authority over the family and whether or not the wife is following him/submitting to him leading.

    You can’t lead if she’s dragging her feet or taking you to your Pastor or Priest to try to get them to “straighten you out!”

  7. 😦 I’m so sorry. I know even Christian counselors have admitted that marriage counseling rarely works. It has like an 80% failure rate or something, and that was years ago, I’m not sure if what it’d be in 2017 (stats for last year).

  8. I think part of why it has such a huge failure rate is because it’s usually the wife leading them there (and so she’s technically leading the whole marriage at that point).

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