Something that seems to be a common topic among email questions recently is how to go about dating in your 30’s as a single woman. Whenever I get this question I have to let the woman know that I obviously have zero experience with what they’re asking me about.
BUT… one of the reasons people have “blog rolls” is to point people where they can find great information that the host either agrees with or doesn’t have knowledge of. On the right side of the screen, under “Single Women: What Men Really Think,” is a great website resource for any woman out there in the dating market. Andrew (the author) even has a whole post dedicated to dating in your 30’s:
Check out this gem, too, if you’re really interested:
Now for my thoughts on it, since you asked… they aren’t really optimistic so you’ve been warned.
If I were somehow to switch places with you, a single woman in her 30’s, I probably would forgo dating altogether and just seek to live a life alone and find genuine happiness in other things. Volunteering with kids if you have an ache for children, working fulltime at an orphanage in another country or in a children’s home in the US. Maybe become a nurse and work with people where you feel like you make a difference in other people’s lives. Work on a great career in a field of your interest where you can spend your excess money not spent on a family, traveling and seeing places most people would never see. Have more time to write or read great books. I don’t know… but dating men would be the last thing on my mind. I know that sounds crazy, but you asked what I thought and so I’m going to be brutally honest. There’s a reason why I got married incredibly young and didn’t sleep with anyone before my husband. I was terrified of being used, wanted to wait to have sex until marriage because of my faith in Christianity and a firm belief that it would be giving my husband a gift that would only belong to him, and even looking back in hindsight, I think that the being terrified of being used was a good thing. I think more women should be terrified of being used… maybe it would help them decide faster what they really want in life. I avoided tons of unnecessary emotional baggage and pain by finding someone who truly loved me and cherished me, and committed long-term to me that young and inexperienced. I don’t think that is easy to find in any way possible when you get beyond your 20’s. It sounds and looks like it’s a whole different ball-game, and not a very nice one.
When it comes to the 30+ dating market, most of the men dating women in that age range are only out to use those women. This is not to say a woman in her 30’s or 40’s (or 50’s ?) couldn’t find someone to marry, it’s just that it will be infinitely harder to navigate all the sexual aspects without subjecting yourself to just being someone they want to have sex with. The reality is men that would be interested in you age wise, can probably pull much younger women and would also be interested in much younger women for long term relationships. Men are always, however, interested in easy sex.
Then there’s the factor of what kind of men will they be? If you click on the link above, Andrew goes on about why you should avoid different kinds of men…. No men in their 20’s, no men over 40, no divorced men… lol… there’s like literally NO MEN left after you filter for those things he warns about. Very dismal if you ask me, hence why I would just avoid dating altogether. While there are some great catches out there who have been frivorced, it’s my opinion they are very hard to find, and they may have contributed in some way to their divorce which they may or may not be honest about. With proper girl game, I’m pretty sure you can catch a desirable divorcee, but you’d have to be extremely open and genuine with him (and match everything on his list of perfection lol) or you’ll scare him off faster than anything. And event then, there’s still the likelihood that you’d just be used and “nexted.”
After reading around the internet a few years now, I’m convinced that older men – the men who would be interested in 30+ women, are very very VERY bad marriage material. Every single one of them seem to have deep issues with hating (or strongly disliking) women, and I’m not blaming them many have good reasons to not trust or like women, I’m just being realistic that this makes them horrible future partners. You don’t want them to get with you and then never be able to trust you or love you. It would be so painful and devastating to fall in love with a man like that, and very much in your best interest to avoid it altogether.
In short, I think you should brutally assess if you can truly attract a good man who would love you, and if not, accept a single life and just make it as good and fulfilling as you possibly can without a romantic partner. There’s much more to life than romance, even though I fully believe that if you find and create a fulfilling marriage, it can be the most wonderful thing you ever do in your life. But there comes a point where you may have to accept that having that kind of marriage is not possible anymore, and move on to find fulfillment elsewhere.