The past couple of years have been hard emotionally. I haven’t wanted to write about any of it really, because I usually want to try to learn something – or at least understand it – before writing about it. I think it was Hemingway who said “Never write about something until you’re through it.”
Well, what if it doesn’t have a clear “end?” What if you still haven’t learned anything profound from it?
What if you’re never really “through” it?
Losing my dad has been so horrible. I don’t write about it, but I think about it often. Sometimes I become extremely depressed when thinking too much on it. Which is partly why I gained weight last year. Remembering how much my dad wanted me to enjoy life in it’s fullest with a healthy body – and to be happy with my body, is why I started being healthy again right before we got pregnant with our 3rd.
He’s gotten much better, but the stroke (if that’s what it was) really changed his personality, and I miss him so much.
And then on the blue line side of things, seeing so many innocent men and women die – seeing the public generally not understanding or thinking “this is what they signed up for” – that they literally signed up to be assassinated in a country that used to be free – has been hard to understand heads or tails of. I didn’t want to write my thoughts on all the police deaths for many reasons: the anger, the depth of heartache, facing the truth that most of them are racially motivated, the ugliness of it all, and just plain not being able to understand it.
Something that HAS really helped, has been leaning on God, even when I was extremely depressed or terrified. Trusting Him and trusting in His goodness even though knowing He allows the worst to happen has been healing.
The only thing I could find that’s close to explaining what I’ve been learning about God’s protection, even when He allows murder and death of good people, is this audio of Elisabeth Elliot.
She explains it well and it brings peace to me to know that no matter what happens in this life, our ultimate ends are safe and secure in Him. Which is why it’s better to trust in God, even in times like these.