What Men Find Irresistible by Laura Doyle

I recently came across an awesome women’s blog on relationships and marriage, and found a post I thought was what all single women (and married women 😉 ) should know first about men.  I love it when I find another woman with a mission to help women understand men better, and Laura Doyle’s blog is fantastic.  Check it out!


What Men Find Irresistible

11 Hacks that Make Men Go Gaga with Passion and Desire

If you’ve ever spent an evening with your man or a date and ended up being his life coach, you already know that doesn’t make you irresistible.

Quite the opposite, actually.

All that good advice you gave him did not lead to more dates, or make him pull you in with both arms and shower you with kisses, or look deep into your eyes and say that he loved you more than anyone has ever loved anyone.

But there are 11 simple behaviors that men find irresistible in women, and not one of them has to do with hair, makeup or how you dress.

None of them are manipulations. They won’t make you seem desperate. You won’t have to dumb down.

In fact, they’ll help you be your best self—your real self.

1. Be Vulnerable

A study at The University of Toronto found that women are more emotional than men.

There’s research money well-spent, right?

But it’s true that we women have emotional brilliance that men find wondrous and alluring. In particular, our vulnerability draws them in like lions to gazelles.

Being vulnerable means revealing the less-than-perfect parts of you. The shy part. The tender part. The part that’s afraid of spiders.

Trying to impress him with how independent you are will never attract him in the way that admitting you’re feeling over your head in your new job, or that you felt embarrassed at the parent teacher conference would, for example.

You don’t have to have it all together to be irresistible. He’s looking to be able to make a contribution to your life, and seeing your vulnerability inspires him to believe that he could.


2. Listen

The best conversationalists are good listeners.

Letting a man talk without interrupting, correcting him or trying to teach him something will make you a tall, cool glass of water in the desert.

He’ll tell you everything on his mind if you create the emotional safety of leaving lots of space for him to talk and say only, “Uh-huh,” or, “I hear you.”

You don’t have to agree or disagree. Just listen. Try it for an hour tonight with your guy, or on your next date.

He won’t be able to get enough of you.

3. Be Receptive

Receptivity is the essence of femininity, and that’s what men are fundamentally attracted to.

Being open and receptive—to his compliments, his help, his gifts—is to be feminine.

Therefore, to be incredibly attractive, be receptive.

Instead of giving to him or doing things for him, let him give and do for you—even if it makes you feel uncomfortable and squishy inside.

He’ll be 10 times more in love with you on the day he’s knocked himself out to build you a deck, set up your new computer or helped you move than he would if you didn’t trouble him.

If you let him admire you, praise you, lift things for you and solve some of your problems he’ll say, “I don’t know what it is, but I just want to make you happy.”

4. Be Pleasable

If you’re unhappy no matter what he does, you’re going to be resistible. Really resistible––like avoidable.

If you’re happy and you know it then your face will surely show it and he’ll see an opportunity to pile on by bringing you your favorite ice cream, a bracelet or a designer sweater.

Why? Because making you happy makes him feel good and you are irresistible when you make him feel that way.

5. Expect the Best

One woman was walking with a date when he announced he was taking her to a particular restaurant. She knew that it was on the next block over and they were going away from it.

But she decided to trust him to find his way there, which they eventually did, but not before they’d run into some street entertainers who made the night magical, which she would have missed if she’d said, “You’re going the wrong way!”

Expecting the best from her date let her be open to unexpected fun and had him inexplicably fascinated with the woman who trusted and expected the best from him.

6. Be the Goddess of Fun and Light

The more you focus on having fun, the hotter you become. You’ll never be more magnetizing then when you’re doing your happy dance and laughing and smiling.

Look for ways to delight yourself no matter where you are and what the circumstances. Commit time and energy to having fun every day, and your man will seek you out to spend ever more time with you.

If you haven’t made yourself happy, you’re not going to be irresistible. But the more you’re filled up with joy, the more you’ll notice him finding reasons to be where you are.

7. Be a Seductress

As a wife, you may be tempted to be the aggressor when it comes to physical intimacy, but consider how much more attractive you’ll be to him if instead you seduce him with your body, your scent and your voice.

I’m not saying don’t initiate—I’m just saying when you do, take the irresistible approach of inviting him to make the first move by letting him know you’d be willing.

That way you get to feel the thrill of knowing he can’t keep his hands off of you.

Nothing is sexier to him—or more gratifying for you.

8. Focus on his Strength

If your man is ailing, or needs a new resume or his laundry done, you might be tempted to take care of him—kinda like his mom would. But men don’t find their moms irresistible.

Consider mirroring the strength you see in him instead of the weakness.

Of course you empathize that he’s sick, but rather than babying him, you could affirm him for being such a strong man.

Show that you trust he’ll do a good job on his resume or the laundry.

There’s nothing more appealing than a woman who reflects the strength and capability she sees in her man.

9. Express Gratitude

The more you appreciate what your man does for you, the more he’ll knock himself out looking for more ways to gain your appreciation.

He’ll love knowing that he pleased you in small ways so much, he’ll look for more and bigger ways.

Hearing your thanks and delight is music to his ears and will make you seem like the most beautiful woman who ever lived.

10. Sometimes, Say Nothing

I’m don’t recommend dumbing down. You know what you know, and you can use that to your advantage at any time.

But sometimes it’s advantageous to say nothing, even if you think you know the answer to all his problems.

The Goddess of Wikipedia who knows everything? She’s resistible.

The more you focus on being the expert on your own life—and trust that he’s the expert on his life—the more he’ll go to any length to get next to you.

There’s an expression that it’s better to have some of the questions than all of the answers. That’s certainly true when it comes to being irresistible to a man.

11. Remember Who You Are

I promised that none of what makes you irresistible is hair, makeup or what you wear, and that’s true.

Irresistibility comes from inside.

But what makes you attractive to him is that you have the mind, spirit and body of a woman. The more you dial that up, the more attractive you’ll be.

So one way to be physically irresistible is to celebrate that female form—whether it’s by noticing the swing of your hips when you walk, or the feel of a skirt around your legs or even his hand on the small of your back.

Whatever your shape or size, you were born with the goods that make you a magnet to your man.

There’s every reason to rejoice about your feminine form since it’s part of what makes him rejoice about you.


(Republished with Consent from Author)

16 thoughts on “What Men Find Irresistible by Laura Doyle

  1. all good ideas, but I have to disagree with #6. ‘Be the Goddess of Fun and Light’. That’s just not a turn on. However, a woman who isn’t afraid to get her hands dirty…now that’s an attractive woman.

  2. “all good ideas, but I have to disagree with #6. ‘Be the Goddess of Fun and Light’. That’s just not a turn on.”

    Err…you prefer your women broody and disaffected?
    Although, I guess at one time my husband liked that type (before moi). But not for long! It gets old to be around a sourpuss (pun, dat!). 🙂

  3. LOL Irtfyblog, I didn’t understand it that well either until having more info on what she meant. She has a whole post on being the goddess of fun and light, and it’s basically about being a woman with a positive, flirtatious attitude with her husband; not a critical, mocking, insulting, nit-picking kind of attitude that a lot of women (even Christian women!!) have acquired and think they’re actually more sophisticated.

    Here is her older article on it, and it’s in response to when a husband refuses to work on a couple’s marriage: http://lauradoyle.org/blog/husband-refuses-to-work-on-marriage/

  4. Um….I know I’m getting a reputation as being a dissenter and I feel quite sure one of these days it’ll get me banned, but I have to disagree with a lot of this stuff.

    On not reminding someone they’re going the wrong direction — I started out my marriage that way. I never told him anything or gave him any corrections. I’d like to offer advice from someone who has been married for 15 years, had six kids in ten years and is now grappling with adolescent children — that is the WORST advice I could ever give someone. Finally one day I spoke up, and said, “You’re going the wrong way, and here is why — this is a north-south street, you’re using directions for the other street which is east-west, and I know this because I have driven in this area once a week for the past year and I know what I’m saying,” or words to that effect. Guess what? He appreciated it. I saved him gasoline dollars. And the blunt reality, is, quite honestly, I’m a better navigator and map reader than he is! We both know it, too, after I finally stopped all this “protect his ego at all costs” nonsense and just started telling the truth about it.

    I used to say nothing at all, I did a lot of the things that Mrs. Doyle suggests, and I personally think she’s writing to girls who have grown up throwing their weight around and acting like they’re more than they are. A lot of this stuff will come across as sicky sweet to a lot of men, especially if they are rooted and grounded in the reality of who they really are. They are going to think it’s not real, and it can cause more harm than good.

    Focusing on strength — OK, I understand that, but men expect to be taken care of. They expect their laundry done, they expect to be babied when they’re sick. This part is all way off. What she should say is this — if your husband offers to do laundry for you because you are hopelessly backed up, then say thank you and nothing more. Do not complain if it’s not done the way you would do it. But you are expected to do laundry, that is your job (or at least I would say, that is my job, maybe it isn’t for you, I don’t know how your home works). Also, he expects to be served when he gets home, and he expects to be babied when he’s sick. The men expect chicken soup when they get a cold, they expect to be served when they get home from work. Frankly, if you suddenly decided to “surrender” and stop doing that, yikes. That whole part is just way off base.

    In short, there’s a few good points in here, but there are more eyebrow-raising points than good ones, frankly. I think she’s coming at this from the point of view of someone who has no children and isn’t very well focused on reality. Just my two cents. Ignore if you wish.

  5. Um….I know I’m getting a reputation as being a dissenter and I feel quite sure one of these days it’ll get me banned, but I have to disagree with a lot of this stuff.

    I don’t mind you disagreeing, I don’t ever ban people for disagreeing, but I do agree with this comment policy warning Lori Alexander has on her blog: “Mark them which cause divisions and offenses contrary to the doctrine which you have learned and avoid them.” {Romans 16:17} If someone is only here to attack my commenters or myself or tear other people down or shame them, that is not acceptable or Christ-like. We are called to correct/rebuke other Christians, but biblically it’s supposed to be in gentleness and with respect towards them.

    “On not reminding someone they’re going the wrong direction — I started out my marriage that way. I never told him anything or gave him any corrections… I used to say nothing at all…”

    She was talking about when a woman was on a date. I don’t think she meant that a woman can never voice her opinion or disagree or respectfully point out if he’s doing something wrong. Submission doesn’t mean never disagreeing or never bringing up your concerns as a wife, that’s not at all what she’s saying here. I think I remember you saying that you were taught to never disagree or that people didn’t want you to voice your concerns, and that’s why you come to the internet and write your blog – so that you can feel free to disagree and have your own opinions on things, right? I believe that believing you can’t disagree is emotionally unhealthy, but I’m so glad that you voice your concerns now in your marriage and no longer stay quiet.

    “Guess what? He appreciated it. I saved him gasoline dollars. ”

    I think most men appreciate it if their wife helps them out in the way that you did, as long as she does it respectfully and kindly, and doesn’t do it all the time so that it comes off as nagging or not believing in him. Again, Laura Doyle was talking about being on a date – that’s a whole different situation than driving to an appointment on the freeway and helping your husband if he really did forget which exit to take. BUT even then, it can be disrespectful, maybe he really DOES know where he’s going, and if you automatically assume he’s going the wrong way, it feels insulting to most men, and it does make them feel like their wife truly thinks they’re stupid or not capable. There’s a balance, and I think she’s on point. Maybe operating in an unhealthy way in your marriage in the past, due to your upbringing, is coloring how you see/read her words here.

    A lot of this stuff will come across as sicky sweet to a lot of men, especially if they are rooted and grounded in the reality of who they really are. They are going to think it’s not real, and it can cause more harm than good.

    I definitely disagree here, most men love this kind of thing, and that’s why it actually works. It actually does a lot of good for women in their relationships/marriages. But not all men are the same, so possibly your husband wouldn’t like it if you implemented these changes in your marriage. I can totally understand how you wouldn’t agree with this post from what you’ve said about your family life before – especially the having fun part and letting go. I’m sorry that you feel like you can’t let go and have fun with your kids or your family, that must be really frustrating and difficult at times.

    About the doing his laundry and taking care of him when he’s sick. I do see your point about helping him with his laundry, I try to take care of the housework on my own, and he only helps me if it’s been a really busy week or if I’ve been sick or the kids have been sick and I’ve been taking care of them (like when the baby is up all night and fussy all day). But “babying” your husband when he’s sick I think eventually makes women turned off from their husband. I’ve read countless stories of wives feeling repulsed when their husbands are sick, and part of it comes from them switching into this “my husband has turned into a big baby” mentality. They are wired to want to see him as capable and strong, it’s part of what attracts them to him, and refocusing their perspective to believing he will be ok and get better, may help them not to act disrespectful to him when he is sick. That doesn’t mean she shouldn’t still take care of him and make him soup and give him time to rest, but “babying” him changes the role dynamic to feeling more like his mother and falling into the role of nagging him or respecting him less. I think that’s where she was going with that.

    All these things really are good advice that women typically don’t hear anymore: be vulnerable & open, listen to him/become a great listener, be receptive to his compliments (don’t have an unhealthy view of yourself to where you don’t accept any compliments from him), be pleaseable – don’t be extremely hard to please and critical of everything, trust him and expect he has the best intentions – don’t feel like you constantly have to stand over him correcting how he does things, be joyful and shed joy around for your family, be femininely seductive, focus on his strengths/admire him for them, be appreciative and thankful, sometimes say nothing (she doesn’t say “never say anything”), remember you’re a woman and be feminine.

  6. Something else I just remembered, April Cassidy from The Peaceful Wife (another blog linked on my blogroll to the right of the screen), actually changed from a disrespectful wife to a respectful, loving wife mostly BECAUSE of reading Laura Doyle’s advice.

    Claiming that you personally think this kind of advice does “more harm than good” for men and women in their marriages, is short-sighted to me, although I understand that we all come from different backgrounds and some of it may sound silly to you. :/ I’ve emailed with April for months now, and learning from her, having her mentoring me in my spiritual growth, come alongside me in trials, has been wonderful. But she wouldn’t be the woman she is, or writing her blog, she wouldn’t be helping 1,000’s of women daily through her ministry, she wouldn’t have written her book, if God hadn’t brought someone like Laura Doyle’s advice into her life. God does use these women, even if it offends others or they disagree with it. I think it gets spiritually dangerous when we try to put a box around God, and try to dictate who or what ways He can use to change another’s life. I think the root of it is Satanic, because the end result (I’ve seen) is trying to stop a ministry, trying to stop them reaching other women, trying to stop God.

    It’s very strange to me to see religious women be so critical of other women like this. 😦 I don’t think that’s what God would really want for Christians to be tearing down the ministries of other Christians unless we’re truly calling out false teaching. It’s fine to disagree or have your own opinion on the little things, but to say that you think it’s doing more harm than good, when clearly, God is using them in big, positive, tangible, life-changing ways for other women, sounds more like you might think they are doing Satan’s work (more harm) rather than God’s (good work). There really is only two options in life for Christians. So it’s important to think about who’s side you’re on when you criticize other Christians and their ministries. Both Laura and April are certainly not doing Satan’s work, and it’s clear God is using them both in many women’s lives for good.

    It might be hard to hear all this, STMA, it’s been a journey for me as well figuring out the ways God uses people – I think most of us fall into temptations to criticize and undermine God’s ability or work in other’s lives. You’re not the first woman I’ve seen say these things, there’s another, older woman in the manosphere crowd who has said that line as well that she thinks they’re “doing more harm than good,” and goes out of her way to constantly speak against all women setting themselves up to teach other women godly truths or helpful tips in respecting their husbands.

    We’re on the same team. I think it’s important to remember that, and build each other up.

  7. I did not say that the advice was Satanic — that is quite a leap from saying that I believed it does harm, because I fully believe that the advice offered is offered with a sincere heart. I would only apply “Satanic” to something if the person was offering it in a spirit of malice, which Laura Doyle and April Cassidy most certainly are not (I have read April’s blog occasionally also, and find her to be most gracious and offering many good things).

    I am offering the point of view from someone in a situation where that type of advice would not be received in the way described at all. Believe it or not, there are people who would find it suspicious at best and manipulative at worst. Also, I think at a certain point after a certain number of years and a certain number of children (especially if they are all at home and you are responsible for their entire education), you relegate certain aspects of life that may have been very important earlier in life to the back burner, because they are not relevant to your life at that time.

    On your comments regarding babying your husband when he’s sick — the irritation felt by most women (now this is from my own perspective and from the perspective of other homeschooling moms with many children that I know, I understand this is not necessarily your experience) is that when you wait on him when he’s sick, and then you get sick, the service is not reciprocated. I seriously doubt anybody would mind waiting on him hand and foot and sympathizing with his cold (or whatever it is) if they knew that the service was reciprocal. Mom takes care of everybody, but only Mom takes care of Mom (and continues to take care of the fort and everybody when she’s running a fever from the flu). I think that that whole bit about not respecting him as the big, strong man is reading a bit too much psychological underpinning into it — frankly, disrespect of him is never what enters my mind when taking care of him when he’s sick. It completely misses the point of the frustration other wives feel, especially if they have a lot of children and are homeschooling. Again, this is my own experience, not necessarily yours.

    It is very frustrating when others cannot see that there are usually many factors involved, and not necessarily the one and only advocated by one person. I have experienced this in other areas as well, not necessarily always Titus 2 folks and other such things, and it’s frustrating to realize that people have no interest in the other side. Having said that, I will take my opinions and withdraw from the conversation now.

    If I might say this, I believe that you owe me an apology for accusing me of saying that Laura Doyle and April Cassidy were “Satanic”, as I never said anything of the kind and you jumped to a conclusion without sufficient evidence. Disagreement does not equal relegating someone to Satanism. This is not the first time I have been accused of this, as I have found it to be common if I disagree with anybody.

    Thank you.

  8. “I’m so glad that you voice your concerns now in your marriage and no longer stay quiet.”

    I don’t voice them. It is too stressful to feed everything through the “is this possibly disrespectful” filter. After mulling everything through my head, I choose to keep my mouth shut.

    Thank you once again. Sorry for the extra comment.

  9. I’m so sorry I don’t have much time to reply at the moment.

    I don’t think you believe they are Satanic, my point really has more to do with the motive of someone saying a person is “doing more harm than good.” Sometimes, I don’t think we are truly in touch with the root of our feelings and criticisms, but as Christians, it’s very important to line up our thinking (and definitely what we say aloud) with God’s truth. So… to say her advice will do more harm than good, is spiritually saying she’s not doing God’s work with Christ’s power. God’s work does not harm, it may be painful, but it always has a good end result. So then, who’s work is she doing? If she’s doing harm (your claim), which at it’s root, is Satanic, then she may not be a Satanist at all, but is allowing Satan to use her for the moment. Satan frequently uses Christians if they aren’t on guard against him constantly, the Bible talks about this a lot in the New Testament when the Christians were figuring out how to respond to people they didn’t agree with. Even the disciples fell into thoughts that, at their root, were Satanic, Jesus even rebuked Peter once calling him “Satan.” That doesn’t mean they were Satanic, they certainly weren’t! They hated him, and didn’t worship him as their god, but it does mean that if they were prone to Satan using them, certainly we also can be. So no, I’m not trying to say you think they are themselves Satanic. Christians can be used by Satan to tear down or harm other people, distract them from their purpose, etc. And they can be confused about their own motive, truly thinking they’re “calling someone out,” that they are sincere, there doesn’t have to be malice in it for Satan to use it. Sometimes, the best plots he has are to convince a naive Christian that they are sincere in their “concern.”

    I totally understand what you mean that it wouldn’t help your marriage personally, but you didn’t personalize your criticism, and you even said most men would not respond well to these things. I think you may be extrapolating your personal experience with your husband to generally apply it to men everywhere, which doesn’t work often. Your husband may be an outlier, because from what I’ve seen reading hundreds of comments and letters and emails and personal stories from men, they very much do want their wives to act like this. Of course it won’t apply to everyone, so I understand your being frustrated with advice that wouldn’t apply in your situation. If you had contacted her or even April, they may give you different advice to fit your situation.

    I said “I think the root of it is Satanic, because the end result (I’ve seen) is trying to stop a ministry, trying to stop them reaching other women, trying to stop God.” Maybe you can’t relate to that, but I’ve clearly seen now that most people (including Christians) who engage in this kind of destructive criticism, have a motive of making someone stop writing, stop reaching others, stop doing God’s work. I’m sure that’s not your motive, you just want the other side of the problem to be viewed equally of when this advice wouldn’t work. But I’ve now seen 4 women, all over 40, be subjected to that kind of harsh criticism in their ministry (April being one), and it was an eye-opener to fully realize the end goal was to get them to stop, to shut up, to stop writing, because the ones criticising them clearly hate them yet called themselves Christian. These are people who feel happy when these women shut their blogs down, so no, I don’t think you feel that way, but maybe it might be good to realize that they use the same words as you do, and clearly are letting Satan use them to tear down God’s ministers. To me, the root of things like that are Satanic because it’s clearly ungodly, and I think we should move in the opposite direction as much as we can if we’re taking our faith seriously.

  10. I don’t voice them. It is too stressful to feed everything through the “is this possibly disrespectful” filter. After mulling everything through my head, I choose to keep my mouth shut.

    This doesn’t sound good to me, STMA, it’s not a healthy relationship if the wife never feels like she can voice her concerns. Why did this start happening? Also, I thought in your previous comment, you said you had tried the being silent thing and found out that it didn’t work, so now I thought you spoke up more?

    About the taking care of your husband when he’s sick and then it not being reciprocal, do you mean that wives build up resentment because of that? I understand, it happens sometimes with us too, although my husband doesn’t mean for it to come across that way, it’s just that right now, he’s the ONLY one bringing in substantial income. So when I’m sick, he usually can’t take off to help me or wait on me hand and foot in bed, and I would not want that. And I say this having been sick a lot recently, and having had strep throat back in October and it was hard to still be mom. A lot of things like cleaning were let go for that time period, and my husband totally understood. I also reached out to other moms to help me, including my own mom… I do think it takes a village of interconnected moms helping each other out, because really, what are our husbands supposed to do in that scenario? Risk losing their job?

    I think, for me, not letting it build up resentment when my husband can’t reciprocate is part of Christ’s love abiding in me. If we’re getting resentful and bitter over what we perceive as lack of care or proper cherishing, it’s hurting our marriage and hurting us spiritually. Reaching out to my mom during those/these times and my mom friends has helped immensely to not feel overwhelmed, and thus resentful that my husband really can’t do more.

    Even if he could though, I think it’s important for us as Christian wives to not hold it against him (be resentful of the lack of reciprocation). It’s harboring unforgiveness, and that impedes our own ability to be forgiven when we sin.

  11. “Why did this start happening? Also, I thought in your previous comment, you said you had tried the being silent thing and found out that it didn’t work, so now I thought you spoke up more?”

    Always has been. I grew up in the typical traditional-type house. Never gave anybody any trouble, did exactly what I was told. Very Debi Pearl style; I got the belt a lot and learned what I had to do to avoid it. I know what I have to do to get along and keep out of trouble. I mind my own business and I hope I know my duty towards my parents, siblings, etc. regardless of my own personal feelings.

    I told him about the direction he was driving because I didn’t want to listen to the commentary regarding the amount of traffic on the road and the intelligence of the driver in front of us. I spoke up because I was seeing red and getting angrier and angrier. I didn’t think I could keep my lips zipped without my anger erupting inappropriately. Since then, I’ve developed other strategies for cooling off. I have many strategies.

    I shut down most of the time. I do what I’m told, put the plastic smile on my face and keep my mouth shut — which is what the manosphere approves of, anyway. Nobody is interested in anything I have to say and I don’t really care anymore, because I can write all I want, whenever I want. I am not trying to garner anybody’s sympathy, I am just being blunt. Most folks would just tell me I’m passive/aggressive and tell me how horrible that is. I fail to see how that’s so horrible when you are trying to get along and stay out of the way.

    That’s why you need to understand about how love is in the intellect and will, not in the emotions. It is all about getting up each morning and saying, “Lord, today I align my will with Yours and I am going to fulfill all my duties towards all these people to whom I have obligations. I consciously WILL to perform each duty. I consciously WILL to love those You placed in my care.” See that? Not one shred of emotion in that, just force of will. THAT is what is real. THAT is what shows up every day. And THAT is what will get you to the end faithfully. Emotion is faulty. The faster you get that suppressed, the better off everybody will be….and the happier your husband will be, too, because you aren’t being silly and ridiculous and you’re focused on duty. You’re meeting all his needs, or as many as you possibly can (obviously we can’t meet them all, only God can do that).

    “do you mean that wives build up resentment because of that?”

    That’s part of it. My theory on that is that you tend to that unless you have accepted it. Once you’ve accepted it (and that may take a while) then you will have no expectations. You take care of yourself and have things you look forward to doing and expect nothing from anybody else. This way, if somebody does do something for you, you will be predisposed to the gratitude for the unexpected gift. In addition, you will already have met your own needs. .

    This is too long and I have already said more than I wish to say. But thank you again for your graciousness and I want you to know I appreciate it.

  12. What an interesting comment, STMA, thank you for it, I believe it helps me understand better where you’re coming from. I totally agree with you on love (true love) being wholly based on will and intellect. I believe love is the opposite of laziness, and at its most fundamental level, is to seek out the best for the person you’re loving, looking toward their best interest. Love is action. When we’re lazy with our duties or lazy in our discpline of our children, we’re not loving them. It’s easy to see this with how we parent our children, and yes, I do agree with you that becoming too immersed in emotions and temper (passion) is bad for our spiritual growth. I wholeheartedly agree with you on love being expressed in duty and will and especially asking God’s help each day. I’m so glad you do this, it is extremely important as you already know! We can’t do or achieve all God wants us to be without His power.

    I think mental stability and grit are two of **the most important** virtues a woman can work to develop. A godly woman’s character has to have a mental toughness that is faithful to duty to her husband and family. Not giving up, nor giving in easily or at the first sign of suffering or hardship. Thank you for reminding me of these virtues.

    On the other hand, expressing your emotions, and even your anger in **appropriate** ways is healthy for men and women. I’m not goingto try to shame you and say you’re a bad person, that would be inappropriate and rude. I think learning to express emotions like anger or hurt can be a learning process that takes time.

    I used to be a “stuffer” which is someone who feels negative emotions and instead of always expressing or dealing with them privately or with the person in the appropriate way, I would stuff them down deep inside. Finally, I’d explode. It’s strange I wasn’t like that with most people, and wasn’t like that growing up. My parents were traditional, but no belt spankings (they just used a paddle) and they were both amazing at communication with me. With my husband, we could talk about anything and had good communication together… Stuffing only seemed to happen with his family unfortunately, and I had to apologize to them afterwards, so I understand what you mean by wanting to get along well and not have conflict even when you’re being sinned against. My husband wasn’t used to standing up to his family due to never being listened to, (his concerns were always brushed aside), and abused growing up. He greatly admires how my parents did things, and reminds me of my dad sometimes.

    I want to post more, but am on my phone bc we’re having computer issues again. But sometimes feeling angry is valid because we’re being sinned against, it’s just the way we express or choose to deal with our anger that makes the difference between a godly response and a response that’s pursuing spiritual death. A great book I read on this that helped me realize what I was doing wrong a few years ago, Overcoming Emotions that Destroy by Chip Ingram. Seriously amazing and thoughtful book.

  13. Dragonfly,

    A reader wrote me and pointed out about how you decided to take my comments to Sunshine at her blog, and decided to label me as “confused about many spiritual things”. I would like to point out that this is very rude of you to indicate such, as it is not your place. I am not the least bit confused. I am obviously far more serious than you are in temperament, in the way in which I conduct myself, and in the way I train my children. This is a difference in conduct, and does not indicate that I am spiritually confused. Would you not consider it the height of inappropriate conduct for me to accuse you of such simply because I disagreed with you?

    If you would like to do so, I invite you to read this post which I have written:
    which, admittedly, is not really on the document put out by the Pope last week, but more like reflections on the fact that the majority of the people I know are in an uproar over it (and rightly so). I simply point out observations about my take on love in marriage and getting through the rough spots. And I do not do it in the same way you do. Because I do not do so does not give you liberty to call me “spiritually confused”.

    My experience has been very, very different from all of yours, and that does not make me popular. I have been viciously attacked for calling a spade a spade in the past, and this does not bother me. In a way, perhaps I do have something in common with Ann Barnhardt, but I fortunately had parents who, in spite of whatever failings they had, did teach me how to write and speak and act. Maybe because I was taught to write in the way I do, that bothers you (I grew up in a very language-rich environment and the way we wrote was very scrutinized, so perhaps you think I’m being uppity because I write in the way I do — I’m sorry if you don’t like it. Correct writing was not an option growing up, but a requirement.)

    Your tone has been very gracious and kind, which now seems like it was a front for a deep underlying contempt. I certainly respect your opinion, but I am very offended. I will refrain from contributing on your blog and others from here on out, as you are clearly uninterested in any other opinion other than the one you espouse.

    God’s blessings to you and yours. Good luck in the future.

  14. I’m sorry you thought it inappropriate. I see it as trying to get an older godly woman to help me if I wasn’t doing it correctly. It was me asking for help because I thought it could help you.

    There’s no contempt, I think Sunshine was right that we just probably have very different views on life and seriousness, etc. My husband had very strong negative reactions to your comments, so I think that affected my wanting to be kind and not offensive to you. I’m sorry that my saying “confused spiritually” was offensive 😦

  15. “I will refrain from contributing on your blog and others from here on out, as you are clearly uninterested in any other opinion other than the one you espouse. ”

    I was really thankful that you brought up qualities of marriage and duty and emotional/mental strength that I had forgotten about, and I did thank you for it. I think the judgment can go both ways, or be felt both ways in situations like this… where you think I’m judging you as being “too serious,” and I may feel judged that you’re coming to my blog to call me out for being “silly” and posting things that “do more harm than good” for marriages just because it doesn’t work for your own. Those things are also offensive to people usually. I chose to not feel judged once I understood you better.

    I should warn you that I seem to have a few readers who literally stalk this blog and go around to the sites I comment at, trying to catch me in some sin so that they can “expose me” in attempts to ruin my reputation or any effectiveness I might have in reaching people. I think it’s very ugly, but it’s their choice to spend their free time that way.

    I think if all of us had people following us around like that, trying to cause or make trouble in our lives, and getting happy if we mess up or sound off, it would be a very uncomfortable life to live. But I didn’t have contempt for you, I actually do appreciate you reminding me of the virtue of sensibility and duty.

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