When I wrote Single Women Don’t Waste Your 20’s in Casual Sex & Hookups, I was going off of a feeling I have gotten from many friends and acquaintances who feel as though that is what they did. It started with just seeing examples in my family like my cousin’s experience that I described in that post, and expanded to friends who are older, and has expanded to friends my age that are just “waking up,” and realizing the decade that they’ve missed.
What I never thought of before, at least, not being aware of enough to write about it, was the fact that many men (especially Christian men), feel this same way.
They actually feel as though they missed out on an entire decade of understanding what women want, and as a result, are unhappily single in their 30’s and even into their 40’s.
Feminism told women that being promiscuous was fine. That it wouldn’t have an effect on their emotions, their psyche, or their future marriage. They could be as promiscuous as they wanted, and would still be valuable in the eyes of men. Letting themselves be used, like a cheap whore, was suddenly very empowering. The thought of a submissive wife that followed her husband’s lead was distasteful, meant that the woman was stunted in growth and maturity, and was labeled as the woman being a doormat or under oppression. Even the church, to a great degree, has bought into this lie and feels uncomfortable really tackling the issue of wifely submission from a biblical standpoint.
But consider the message feminism sold to you men.
Men were told by feminism that their masculinity was wrong, that manly behaviors were unnecessary to attract women. Just be Yourself, your emo, socially inhibited, not-good-with-women self and that someone… someday… would finally see your true worth! But don’t bother improving yourself! We don’t want to tell you that! You don’t need to be macho… in fact, it’s oppression to tell you that (Emma Watson)! You just wait, hangout with your geeky or nerdy friends and someday, God will drop a heavenly, gorgeous princess into your lap because you’ve been a good boy. You’ve waited (and remained celibate) for SO long. God will reward that.
It’s ok to show your more feminine nature, men – those behaviors of showing emotions, being more vulnerable and open are valuable for men to display!
In fact, the man who is truly sure of himself and acts more effeminate, is a REAL man (note the shaming language these women use when saying that word). Homosexuality is even more preferable and popular than real masculinity.
We can clearly see that the lie feminism sold to women concerning their liberal sexuality not having any negative effects is wrong, but it’s trickier to pin down the lie that real masculinity isn’t what women desire.
But the result of these lies feminism sold to men was creating a male that women wouldn’t be attracted to, at least not viscerally attracted to. Why does that visceral attraction matter? Shouldn’t women be attracted to men for more than their sex appeal anyway? Of course. But what matters most to men in their marriage? Respect, admiration, and sex. Their sex life is pretty high up there in importance, so marrying a Christian wife who’s only barely attracted to them sexually is a recipe for years or decades of frustration, anger, and resentment.
There are many men who are waking up and either realizing they wasted their 20’s being too nice, too sweet, too supplicating to attract a woman to marry, or that they married someone who constantly undermines their authority, disrespects them anywhere she goes and to anyone who will listen, and would rather be doing anything than having sex with him.
These men feel angry when they wake up. They feel like for most of their lives, that they were lied to, and you know… they were. By well meaning mothers, by the girls that rejected them, and even by church leadership in telling them in words or through implied messages, to be something that was unattractive to women. The Single Nice Christian Man… the one who is always rejected, or at the very least, has very few dates. The one who is always told to “Just Be Yourself,” but constantly gets the feeling that it’s this being himself that is getting him rejected.
Every time he tries to approach a woman, he fails. It begins an incredibly devastating cycle of desire for a girl he likes, hope that he might be able to get her if he does A-B-C-D, finding his hopes dashed because she’s obviously not attracted to him, feeling the pain of rejection, the feelings of hopelessness, the questions of “what is wrong with me?” or “will I ever be enough?” And then he is brought back to the desire again when he sees another girl he would like to have a relationship with.
Christian men are especially at risk for this Cycle of Hopeless Dating (I’m terming this CHD). I’ve written before on how Christianity seems to cripple their young single men, and while I still think some of those points were correct, I’ve come to the conclusion that the problem is much more complex.
I talked about our Christian singles not understanding how to lead a woman (and getting mixed messages that their wives were really leading anyway), not understanding positive masculinity because they didn’t have any ritual or ceremony celebrating becoming a man, and I even touched on some important, albeit minor things that Nice Guys do wrong in relationships, but what I didn’t get down to was the real issue of why they are wasting so much time.
It’s because they just don’t understand women and what they really want from them as single Christian men.
It’s not that they are constantly told to be a certain way and it will all work out fine for them, it’s that they are told by the same women they want to attract who then go on to reject them! They are constantly and from almost every angle, misled to believe that this is what Christian women want.
Christian women never say what it is they truly do want, because it’s not socially acceptable to place so much emphasis on traditional masculinity or key elements of sensuality. She may say they want a man who vacuums. She wants a man who shares the household chores and never makes her feel like she needs to be responsible for keeping the house a home (or tidy). She wants a man who never challenges her on her beliefs or behavior. A “servant leader” who isn’t really leading because he constantly asks her if it’s “ok?” on any and every topic he’s expected to make a decision. He always defers to her, she has the final word because she’s really the one leading.
The problem is… Women don’t really want this… because they can’t respect this, and when they get (or worse, marry) a man like that, they disrespect him either in front of him, to him, or behind his back when talking to other women about his lack of ability or leadership.
Do you want a Christian wife who will put you down to her friends when you’re not around? … Who will constantly make you the butt of her jokes? … Who will harp on you to take out the trash or do the dishes, but turn you down for sex every night of the week for months on end? Or worse, give you duty sex where she just lays there because she resents having to do it with you?
Women like this have no concept of reciprocity (meeting his sexual needs) because they take advantage of the push-over men they married whom they don’t respect, much less honor. It usually doesn’t even cross their minds that their husbands actually deserve something better than the treatment they’re giving them or showing them. And men trapped in these marriages are at a loss as to what to do about it.
Most men honestly think their wives will repay his efforts, appreciate the work he puts into their marriage, be reciprocal when it comes to rewarding shared household tasks with passionate, loving affection and sex. Most often not… in fact, a recent study has proven that men who shared equal household chores or did chores that were less “manly” had less passionate sex lives, and fewer sexual encounters with their wives.
A February paper in the American Sociological Review reported that married couples in which men take on a greater share of the dishes, laundry and other traditionally female chores had sex less often than average, which in this study was about five times a month. Yet couples in which men confined themselves largely to traditionally male chores such as yard work enjoyed sex more frequently than average. Taken to the extreme, men who performed all the traditionally female chores would have had sex 1.6 times less often than men who did none of them. The study authors, from the Juan March Institute in Madrid and the University of Washington, arrived at the correlation by crunching data from the National Survey of Families and Households (NFSH), which gathered survey information from 4,500 U.S. married couples. The researchers ruled out any kind of coercion on the part of the “manly” chore-performing husbands by looking at data from the same survey on sexual satisfaction: they found that women from households with more traditional divisions of labor felt no less happy with their sex lives than women in more gender-neutral ones. …
Displays of masculinity may evoke feminine displays in women, which activates or intensifies sexual charge. Put the man on a rider mower, in other words, and boom—fireworks. Stand him at a sudsy sink, and it’s a probable no go.
Making your husband into your effeminate “partner” that has lost his masculinity is not, apparently, a turn on. Equal partnership couples apparently have less sex overall.
Apparently, it was reported in the findings of a survey done by American motherhood website iVillage, that most women (including Christian wives) would rather be doing ANYTHING else than having sex with their husbands. And when you’d rather be doing anything else… you start to find excuses to do anything else.
Here are some of their complaints and confessions about their lackluster sex lives:
Of the 2,000 women surveyed, more than 80 per cent described their sex lives as predictable.
Some 67 per cent said that the position was too repetitive, whilst 56 per cent said the time of day it happened was the same every time.
An alarming 45 per cent could only say at best they were ‘somewhat happy’ with their sex life and
62 per cent said they fantasise about having sex with somebody who is not their husband.
How many husbands live in marriages where their wife gives a constant barrage of excuses for not wanting to have sex with him?
Even when she does give you begrudging sex, keep in mind that by their own admission… 62% of these women are fantasizing about someone sexier than you.
Wake up, single men, that means that the majority of women out there are not that attracted to the man they chose to marry. They’d rather do house work (something women really hate to do) than spend any amount of time engaging in sex or affection with him. When housework ranks above sex with her husband, you know something is terribly, horrifyingly wrong.
This is the condition of Christian marriages today, not all of course, but in teaching Christian men how to *not* be masculine, how to *not* attract the women who will actually want to have healthy sex lives with them, we are robbing them of their God-given natures, and plans for their lives to be lived fulfilled. Sexually fulfilled. Because a married man does not feel fulfilled if he is not sexually fulfilled by his wife.
Let’s really ponder that.
It is rare to find a man who is really leading his family, who’s wife is whole-heartedly submitting to his headship and authority. Let’s make it not so rare.