The Ignorant Sexless Wife

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“My wife (26) and I (26) have been married for 2.5 years and known each other for close to 4. Our daughter just turned 15 months.

After the birth of our daughter, my wife was reluctant to have sex for a while because she delivered vaginally. Her OB said she was good to go after 3 weeks or so, but we waited for a couple months to make sure she was comfortable. I initiated and we had good sex, and she mentioned how long it’s been and how she missed it. Then, after that one time, my advanced started getting rejected, you know, standard stuff. After a couple months of it, I started talking to her about it, how sex was important to me for emotional connection etc., and she said it was important to her, too, but she wasn’t in the mood and wanted some time. We talked about her mind and body, but she said she wasn’t depressed, and she’s not breastfeeding or on birth control. So basically, everything was fine and perfect and she just wanted more time.

Fast forward a few months, I successfully got laid (sounds a bit sad, no?) one more time, and a few weeks later we found out she’s pregnant. (We took the necessary precautions.) She was excited about it, and I, too, because we planned on having two kids not too far apart in age. Of course, sex stayed at zero as she was feeling sick most of the time. A couple months into the pregnancy, she suffered a miscarriage that required an emergency D&C procedure. I took 4 weeks off work to be with my family and didn’t try anything sexual for around 3 months. Then, it was back to getting rejected, more talks with me suggesting counseling etc., telling her I was missing the connection and was drifting away. She kept saying she’s fine and doesn’t need help, it’s just the way it’s supposed to be after marriage and kids, I should be putting our daughter first, she’s tired, I told her I feel like we’re best platonic friends, roommates,

I, while sobbing, told her I was feeling dead inside.

Her suggestion was that I should just watch porn and jack off, and warned that if I were to see someone else she’d take our daughter and run.

We had sex once this year.

I know that taking care of a toddler is tough, as I used to work from home 100% and helped out. We also have help from my mother, who gets along quite well with our daughter and my wife, whenever we need her. However, my wife says she just doesn’t have the energy for me. I also suggested many times that the baby sleeps in her own room instead of with us, but that got shot down.

I’ve also readhttps://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/2julkr/attn_hl_men_with_ll_wivesgirlfriends_and_newborn/ and I’m trying to be understanding, but it’s been really, really tough.

Lately, I stopped initiating because I was tired of getting shut down.

I feel less inclined to cuddle and kiss, which we did quite a bit of even when we weren’t having sex. I’ve been feeling my self esteem go down the drain. I just want to feel desired and sexy.

I used to think it’s weak and lame to want validation from others, but shit this sucks. I’m trying to convince myself that I should give it until the baby turns 3 or 4, but apparently sex isn’t really that important to my wife so I’m not sure if things will change.

I’m now spending time among here, r/adultery/, and r/seduction, I’m pretty sure I know where this is headed.

Perhaps I should just tell her straight up I’m gonna start meeting other people? Should I talk to a lawyer first?” (Emphasis mine)

_______________________________________________________________________________________________

I came across this anonymous note written by Young Handsome Dad in Deadbedroom, found here, at dead bedrooms reddit.  Before you judge him for looking into meeting other people, let’s look at all the basic facts he’s laid out about his situation.  I wish I could say this was a unique situation, but unfortunately, its actually common.

People tend to think that after marriage and children, your sex life starts to suck or completely disappears.  That it is ok for one partner to simply not desire sex anymore.  That you should accept living out your life in a so-called, “Dead Bedroom.”

Sex does not have to stop after you have a baby, this I know because I’ve lived it.  If a wife loves her husband, is attracted to her husband, and understands the dynamics of a working marriage, she will still want to have sex even when the couple has an infant.  I remember right after I had our second boy this past Christmas, 2 weeks later I already wanted to have another of my husband’s babies!  It shocked me because I hated being pregnant.  It humored my husband because he flat out refused – it was never our plan to have any baby that close together – (its actually part of why we have a puppy!), but I honestly wanted him to get me pregnant again… that soon after giving birth, I already wanted another baby with him.

I was so in love with our life, our new baby, with him as the man he is.  This is how a good marriage should be.  The spouses should love each other, should want to be together, to be intimate together.  There should not be a constant rejection of one spouse’s advances.

When I read testimonies in Dead Bedrooms like this, I wonder if the husband understands how much his wife is to blame for their unhappiness or bad marriage.  Does she understand how cruel she is to constantly reject him?

Does she know that he’s giving up on happiness in life because of her dead weight pulling him down?

Does she know that she’s killing her husband’s self-esteem?

Does she know that she does not care about one of his deepest needs that can only be met by her and her alone?

Does she know that she’s abusing her husband, slowly killing him inside?

Does she know that he’s trying to convince himself to hold out until the child is 3 or 4 years old – something utterly ridiculous and incredulous, just so that he can save his marriage?

Does she know that her refusing to have sex with him is like him refusing to speak to her (communication is as essential to women as sex is to men)?

Does she really care that he “was sobbing” when he’s been trying to get her to understand how he feels?

The short answer?  Women like this unfortunately miss all these signs, they actually don’t care – until its too late and he’s either cheated or divorced her for someone else.

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71 thoughts on “The Ignorant Sexless Wife

  1. Even your article implies that it is right to care about the other person’s ego. Especially in a marriage where the couple compromises for each other. Marriage is about each person caring about each other’s needs and making necessary compromises. This man in the post has compromised (been neglected) his need for sex for over a year trying to “understand” his wife. Meanwhile she has flat out told him she is no longer interested in sex (meeting his need) now that they are married and have children. She does not care about his needs, his psychological health, or his “ego” as your article refers to it.

    Again, your article further proves that she is the selfish one for not compromising, not him.

  2. “I’m not sure you read the link I actually gave you.”

    Did YOU actually read the link you gave? It does nothing to refute Dragonflygirl’s claims.

  3. Its also very clear to me that everyone who follows this blog does not like to be challenged from a rational or intellectual view point. Always stating women are the source of every conceivable problem and men are always the victims is shit. So not thanks to more junk perpetuating sexist lies in the name of God

  4. Let us be real here, for a moment. Would anyone imagine that a wife would treat a husband this way if she cared at all that their marriage remain intact? Regardless of her fatigue, regardless of whatever else she may have done to extinguish her own sexual desire over the course of the day, a woman who loves her husband occasionally prioritizes his desires, even if she does not share them. And, by occasionally, I mean more than once a year, or once a month.

    The wife in this story is literally holding her husband hostage. She knows that if he divorces her, he will lose his child, a good portion of the income he has earned thus far, and will be obligated to support this woman for years (or for life) via alimony payments. “What is sex worth to you,” she is asking him, “because I can’t lose here. If we stay married, you will support me and we won’t have sex. If you divorce me, you will support me and we won’t have sex. But if we stay married, at least you’ll see your child.”

    This is not the act of an “ignorant wife.” It is an act of a woman who does not care, one way or another, about the man she married. It is an act of ultimate entitlement, on her part. He should not wait years for her to come around. Rather, he should seek legal representation and a court order for as much child custody as he can get. And he should move on. Because life is too short to waste, and marriage was never designed to be a prison.

  5. You’re right. It’s not an act of an “ignorant wife” – she actually threatens divorce and to take his child. She knows exactly what she’s doing. I’m still in shock that a female pastor that I know (someone who is supposed to be for equality between the sexes) was so anti-male, blaming him for all of it. Still getting over it.

  6. Yeah, a few days late, but I just noticed the post.

    I read an article a couple of days ago titled “It Happened, but It Wasn’t Holy or Helpful – Biblical Teaching Against Polygamy” that really goes into how “Departing from God’s plan always leads to trouble. This is all the more so for marriage,”

    Yes, there was polygamy in the Bible, and God doesn’t appear to have thundered about seeming adultery, but then, the Scriptures show story after story about how polygamy causes nothing but trouble – factions, jealousy, envy and even murder. The problem was often less with the wives than with their sons.

    Worth the read.

    http://blog.adw.org/2015/07/it-happened-but-it-wasnt-holy-or-helpful-biblical-teaching-against-polygamy/

  7. That’s true. It was hard for the husband NOT to love one wife more than another… and you can only imagine what that does to the women, who then raise their kids with that resentful attitude (or competitive attitude). The sons born into normal marriages were not usually in competition, it was generally understood that the first born got everything… end of story. But with the two or more wives (especially when you think of King David’s large family), the sons were at the whim of the father’s love for their mother. Less loved mothers, had less loved sons. Very sad.

  8. Indeed I mean how selfish can someone be just to take 10 to 15 mins a few times a week to look aftee their husband!? She is acting less like a decent woman and more like a prostitute.

  9. This hit really close to home. Too close.

    There are so many similarities between this guy’s story and mine, I could have written it. The only difference of note is that, as a committed Christian, I have remained faithful to my wife in heart and deed. I made a vow and I WILL keep it.

    The really sad thing is that aside from the (lack of) sex life and her refusal to fully submit to my God-given authority (hyphenated last name anyone?), our marriage is pretty good. There is love and closeness but not intimacy. And your observation is spot on: the years of rejection have been brutal to me. Every rejection has killed me a little more inside.

    After reading Rollo and Dalrock and some others, I realize my mistakes. I now know the lie that I believed about Beta Game. I took the red pill. I stopped beta-begging for sex. I’ve realized that her refusals early on in our marriage led me to play the Beta Game. But I’ve also realized that a “woman in rebellion” marches to the beat of the feminist drum, not to the drum of her husband or to God. And until I can stop the feminist drumming in her head, there will be no change in our dead bedroom. And I will continue to stare at my wife, the woman I want, the woman I chose over all others, and be absolutely empty inside.

  10. Thank you for writing your comment. Seeing or hearing stories like yours or the man’s in the original post are the reason I try to write for marriages, and try to get women to think from a man’s point of view. I’m both so sorry for your pain, and thankful that you’ve chosen to share so that women can see how it truly does affect men.

  11. The Mormons made polygyny a religious duty for all Mormon men to get as many wives as they could. The Bible ALLOWS men to have more than one wife, but ONLY if his first or earlier wives are not shorted their marital dues. As a practical matter this limits the number of wives to three, four or five at most. Men such as Gideon, David and Solomon had to have neglected almost all of their wives. Further, the king was forbidden to take “many” wives.

  12. Polygyny is not a good idea in a society that is so hostile to it. So-called monogamous societies allow, almost approve serial polygamy.

  13. Having lived in a marriage for over 40 years like the one the writer describes I can attest to the damage it will do not only to him but most likely to his kids as well. If this woman continues treating him this way he will almost certainly find himself taking some of his resentment and frustration out on the kids rather than her. He could easily find himself locked in a battle with the kids for control and respect. Since she obviously has little or no respect for him she will most likely undermine his authority with the kids and he will almost certainly loose that battle as well. Waiting for the kids to get older all the while hoping things will get better will prove to be more wasted time. A woman like this will almost never change because she will never allow herself to see or believe anything she does is wrong. The reality is that his best bet would be to find a really good Divorce Attorney and cut his losses while he is still young enough to heal and have a chance at a decent life. Looking back, it is advice I wish I had followed 40 years ago when my wife gave me the cold shoulder on our wedding night claiming it was too late and she was too tired! Dragonfly, you are definitely right about men more accurately reporting their sex life of lack there of. You cited “Spreadsheet Guy” in your example. I began a similar thing within a few years of our marriage to counter my wife’s insistence that I was “wrong”, “making it up” and we had sex more than I claimed. When I began “keeping score” what I found was that things were much worse that even I thought. I used one of those little bank calendars and a series of small symbols to indicate what happened on a particular day. What I found was that I got 17 to 30 outright rejections before she would “allow” anything. Keep in mind this was within the first 5 years of marriage! Time hasn’t changed a thing. Today is 9/3/2015, the last time I got so much as even a kiss from this woman was on 7/25/2015. The last time before that was on 6/25/2015. See a pattern here? Here is another topic you may want to explore in another blog; Mama’s Girls. I have read many articles over the years about “Mama’s Boys” and how destructive that twisted, codependent relationship can be to a marriage. I can’t recall ever seeing an article discussing how equally destructive it can be when it’s the wife that’s tied to her manipulative, controlling, domineering, mothers apron strings. I wonder how many of the women like the one in this article also fit the bill for being a “Mama’s Girl” and “Her” husband was just a convenient father and ATM card for “Her” kids, “Her” house and “Her” perfect, planned life?

  14. Pingback: A Sexless 40 Year Marriage | girlwithadragonflytattoo

  15. This is a wonderful piece of writing, the best and most honest and chaste piece of writing I have encountered ever by a female on this topic. How I wished and prayed that the sexless, frigid wife of 15 years I just got done divorcing would have had 1% of the forthrightness and humility of this author. I finally realized that if masturbation was the only way I could ever get sex, then heck, I could do that all by myself, without the nagging and the defrauding.
    To the misandric women who are angered by this article: Do not get married. Or else you are a DEFRAUDER. Period. And don’t wonder any more why men are no longer marrying you, but are opting to “pump and dump” you instead. You have only yourself to blame.

  16. Wow, thank you for your response. Sometimes I forget the things I’ve written, I’ll have to go back and read it now that you’ve said such nice things about it.

    I’m so sorry that you’ve been in a sexless marriage. I cannot even imagine how hard that must’ve been. I think divorce in that case is right, that you were in the right.

  17. Advice please, as I am a woman and often make advances to my husband who only responses when he is “in the mood”, which isn’t a lot. This is very hurtful to me.

  18. 😦 I’m so sorry. Does he have problems with low testosterone or is he overly tired from his work or something? Those and many other things can affect male sex drive negatively.

    How is your marriage in general? Do y’all fight or argue a lot? Do you feel like you both communicate enough with each other? I know most men get turned off if they feel like their wife is trying to control them or is being disrepectful (and disrespect can look totally different from their point of view than what women imagine as disrespect). Sexual denial IS hurtful… but with a man doing it, usually it’s something that’s fixable (like his hormone level or extreme fatigue or stress or y’all fighting/arguing etc.).

  19. Hello thank you for your reply, our marriage is really good. Communication is good ( we reached a compromise about our bedtime that we are both happy with).

    Reading your reply here, as well as your posts on attractiveness, two things came to me. He has mentioned in the past that he doesn’t feel I respect his decisions, not all the time but maybe if I question why he has decided against something I suggested. I didn’t see this as me being disrespectful. I can slightly see how he might feel I don’t respect him as the head of the household, but it is hard to just take the ‘yes’ and ‘no’ without an explanation, especially if I believe different.

    The second thing is, I have put on weight since we’ve been married causing my body to change and haven’t really been spending a lot of time on my appearance. Until I read what you said about the importance of being attractive for your husband my mind-set was very much, ‘oh well he has to love me regardless’ . I realise now that is selfish and I guess this could possibly be causing a lower sex drive (not finding your spouse physically attractive). I am actively trying hard to lose the extra weight but this is still hurtful and I’ve decided to stop making advances and pray against becoming resentful in the meantime.

  20. I understand – I like to know reasoning behind things, too. I think that’s normal within a marriage, but if a wife is always wanting an explanation for what her husband thinks, it may come across to him that she doesn’t trust his reasoning, or thinks he’s just not very smart. If we had someone always questioning our decisions in a manner that made us feel like they didn’t approve of it, overtime it would become kind of contrarian-like in their behavior and we’d become annoyed. You may not be like that at all though – only you know what’s happening in your marriage.

    And I feel for you about the weight gain! I’m so sorry that it can be so painful to not feel like maybe he’s attracted anymore 😥 that would be heartbreaking. I think trying to come at it like you are though is really good mentally and healthy. Maybe to help you compare it with something else, it’d be like if he just suddenly stopped showering or shaving or taking care of himself in ways that may attract you (smelling nice, being clean cut if that’s what you like). Men are so visual, but then most don’t want a Victoria’s Secret model – they just want the woman they married (her initial shape that attracted them). So please don’t feel super pressured to become something that is incredibly hard and would take working out 6-7 days a week. Maybe join a group (they even have facebook groups for weightloss now totally free!) that can help keep you motivated and be a safe place to vent when you feel like its hopeless. Losing weight is like a try/fail/try/fail/try succeed thing… I’ve been thin almost my entire life and yet I’ve had times where hormones, pregnancy or depression has completely thrown me off.

    Hope and pray that you find your motivation and don’t lose hope with your husband.

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