“My wife (26) and I (26) have been married for 2.5 years and known each other for close to 4. Our daughter just turned 15 months.
After the birth of our daughter, my wife was reluctant to have sex for a while because she delivered vaginally. Her OB said she was good to go after 3 weeks or so, but we waited for a couple months to make sure she was comfortable. I initiated and we had good sex, and she mentioned how long it’s been and how she missed it. Then, after that one time, my advanced started getting rejected, you know, standard stuff. After a couple months of it, I started talking to her about it, how sex was important to me for emotional connection etc., and she said it was important to her, too, but she wasn’t in the mood and wanted some time. We talked about her mind and body, but she said she wasn’t depressed, and she’s not breastfeeding or on birth control. So basically, everything was fine and perfect and she just wanted more time.
Fast forward a few months, I successfully got laid (sounds a bit sad, no?) one more time, and a few weeks later we found out she’s pregnant. (We took the necessary precautions.) She was excited about it, and I, too, because we planned on having two kids not too far apart in age. Of course, sex stayed at zero as she was feeling sick most of the time. A couple months into the pregnancy, she suffered a miscarriage that required an emergency D&C procedure. I took 4 weeks off work to be with my family and didn’t try anything sexual for around 3 months. Then, it was back to getting rejected, more talks with me suggesting counseling etc., telling her I was missing the connection and was drifting away. She kept saying she’s fine and doesn’t need help, it’s just the way it’s supposed to be after marriage and kids, I should be putting our daughter first, she’s tired, I told her I feel like we’re best platonic friends, roommates,
I, while sobbing, told her I was feeling dead inside.
Her suggestion was that I should just watch porn and jack off, and warned that if I were to see someone else she’d take our daughter and run.
We had sex once this year.
I know that taking care of a toddler is tough, as I used to work from home 100% and helped out. We also have help from my mother, who gets along quite well with our daughter and my wife, whenever we need her. However, my wife says she just doesn’t have the energy for me. I also suggested many times that the baby sleeps in her own room instead of with us, but that got shot down.
I’ve also readhttps://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/comments/2julkr/attn_hl_men_with_ll_wivesgirlfriends_and_newborn/ and I’m trying to be understanding, but it’s been really, really tough.
Lately, I stopped initiating because I was tired of getting shut down.
I feel less inclined to cuddle and kiss, which we did quite a bit of even when we weren’t having sex. I’ve been feeling my self esteem go down the drain. I just want to feel desired and sexy.
I used to think it’s weak and lame to want validation from others, but shit this sucks. I’m trying to convince myself that I should give it until the baby turns 3 or 4, but apparently sex isn’t really that important to my wife so I’m not sure if things will change.
Perhaps I should just tell her straight up I’m gonna start meeting other people? Should I talk to a lawyer first?” (Emphasis mine)
I came across this anonymous note written by Young Handsome Dad in Deadbedroom, found here, at dead bedrooms reddit. Before you judge him for looking into meeting other people, let’s look at all the basic facts he’s laid out about his situation. I wish I could say this was a unique situation, but unfortunately, its actually common.
People tend to think that after marriage and children, your sex life starts to suck or completely disappears. That it is ok for one partner to simply not desire sex anymore. That you should accept living out your life in a so-called, “Dead Bedroom.”
Sex does not have to stop after you have a baby, this I know because I’ve lived it. If a wife loves her husband, is attracted to her husband, and understands the dynamics of a working marriage, she will still want to have sex even when the couple has an infant. I remember right after I had our second boy this past Christmas, 2 weeks later I already wanted to have another of my husband’s babies! It shocked me because I hated being pregnant. It humored my husband because he flat out refused – it was never our plan to have any baby that close together – (its actually part of why we have a puppy!), but I honestly wanted him to get me pregnant again… that soon after giving birth, I already wanted another baby with him.
I was so in love with our life, our new baby, with him as the man he is. This is how a good marriage should be. The spouses should love each other, should want to be together, to be intimate together. There should not be a constant rejection of one spouse’s advances.
When I read testimonies in Dead Bedrooms like this, I wonder if the husband understands how much his wife is to blame for their unhappiness or bad marriage. Does she understand how cruel she is to constantly reject him?
Does she know that he’s giving up on happiness in life because of her dead weight pulling him down?
Does she know that she’s killing her husband’s self-esteem?
Does she know that she does not care about one of his deepest needs that can only be met by her and her alone?
Does she know that she’s abusing her husband, slowly killing him inside?
Does she know that he’s trying to convince himself to hold out until the child is 3 or 4 years old – something utterly ridiculous and incredulous, just so that he can save his marriage?
Does she know that her refusing to have sex with him is like him refusing to speak to her (communication is as essential to women as sex is to men)?
Does she really care that he “was sobbing” when he’s been trying to get her to understand how he feels?
The short answer? Women like this unfortunately miss all these signs, they actually don’t care – until its too late and he’s either cheated or divorced her for someone else.