The Good or Bad Seductress

mirandakerr

“Do you believe that women can rape men? Or that men can experience regret rape, often when it results in children they didn’t want. Or when the woman wanted to get pregnant before divorcing the man?

This is what a seductress does. Not the innocent initiating (sex) you are referring to. Let’s make a distinction between the two. It is a difference in motive: yours is well-intentioned, the seductress’ is not.”

So… apparently the discussion about seduction has gotten to the point where women are now asserting that it is morally wrong to “seduce” or to play the seductress to your husband.  Seduction, even inside of a marriage, is a no-go zone… it’s “fake,”  it’s “manipulation,”  it’s “deceptive.”

While I do acknowledge that there are women (and men) who use seduction in a detrimental manner – to destroy innocence, to advance at work, or to even steal another’s spouse – to think that a wife can’t play the role of seductress to her husband in a loving, intimate marriage, is a stubborn and senseless view coming from suffocating religious legalism.

But first, let’s take a look at the anatomy of why seduction works in the first place with men:

Men, even the most confident man, have the deepest need to feel desired – they want to feel like their wife (the most important woman in their life) desires them with a raw, passionate desire.

How a woman shows her man that she desires him is by pursuing him.  Romancing her husband, taking the time doing the little things that are above and beyond what the typical wife cares to do, all in order to show that she’s thinking about him, and loves him deeply.

Pursuing him sexually, is where seduction comes into play.

How does one pursue their husband seductively?

Seduction takes forethought.  It takes a little bit of planning.  A wife shows her husband that she loves him enough in order to think and devise ways to get him into bed early – or to let him know that she is craving him that night.

Is there a difference between simply initiating sex with your husband and “seducing” him into sex that night?

Yes, there really is.  Initiating sex with your husband (without using any seduction) is like a wife saying, “So, do you want to have sex tonight?”  No man would usually turn that down (especially in a good marriage), however, a woman has the power to use her beauty (and womanly seduction) to increase a man’s desire by the way she initiates sex.

Instead of coming right out and talking about having sex that night, a wife using seduction will put on perfume, or any scent her husband likes her wearing (body spray or even clean soap scent).  She will do her hair (the way he likes it), fix her makeup if its come off after a long day, put on some fresh lipstick, any amount of primping to make herself feel beautiful.

She will wear lingerie, allowing the seductive fragments to accent her body, or a beautiful vintage corset, to inflame her breasts and increase her cleavage to her husband’s visual delight.  Only he gets to see her in such revealing and tempting clothing, and putting it on is solely for his joy and delight in seeing her this way.  Putting it on is an attempt at seducing him into bed with her.

She may choose to seduce him by wearing nothing at all, and simply meet him at the door naked when he’s come home after the kids are asleep, and say in a seductive voice that she’s been waiting for him (and she has).  The soft glow of her naked body, her subtle curves are themselves, by God’s design, seductive.

A wife can use almost anything, a romantic dinner meal, her husband’s favorite beer or wine, reading to her husband a chapter from his favorite book in her unique voice as they lie in bed together, use a poem, a song, or even soft music in the background as a kind of foreplay designed to seduce him.  Her ability to allure him is only stifled by her inability to think outside the box and use her God-given creativity.

Is there ever a Time a Woman Pursued a Man in the Bible?

Yes!!!  I absolutely love the story of Ruth and Boaz.  I thought about doing a whole post on it, because it is quite an in-depth story.  He is older (Naomi, the mother-in-law remembers him from her time), a mature man.  A man who for some reason, had money but never married.  I may be wrong, but I do not think he was the most handsome man, nor was he some kind of suave alpha male – if either of these things were true, he would have had a wife by this time in his life, especially in the advent of arranged marriages.  Him not being married at this point in his life is a strange thing.

I think Boaz effectively represents the basic, possibly beta (at least in regards to women), male example in the Bible.  His mother was the prostitute from Jericho, Rahab, a foreign woman.  The Jews were extremely racist, and held a very cruel despise towards foreign women that stemmed from watching King Solomon’s demise when he was seduced by (hundreds of) them.  Perhaps he was never quite accepted, perhaps he always felt like an outsider or maybe other jewish families preferred their daughters not marry into his “mixed” family.

Enter Ruth.  She is kind, loving, loyal, full of deep inner beauty…  she receives his oversight and care, even his attractive attempt of authority in protecting her presence in his field because he noticed her.  He noticed her.  So romantic.  Even though she was foreigner, someone the Jews would not be allowed to let cross the threshold into their house at that time, he heard about her love and devotion to Naomi, and saw to it that he watched over her well-being.

But something kept him from pursuing her.

You can be sure it wasn’t for lack of attraction to her, for when she pursues him, he is so pleased he cannot contain his happiness that she would love him.  It is the sweetest, most beautiful story of a female using her womanly (albeit very subtle) techniques of seduction to help a man who for whatever reason, was not confident enough to claim her for himself right away.

Here is an excerpt from the chapter Arousing Adam in the book Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge:

Ruth, as you’ll remember, is the daughter-in-law of a Jewish woman named Naomi.  Both women have lost their husbands and are in a pretty bad way; they have no man looking out for them, their financial status is below poverty line, and they are vulnerable in many other ways as well.  Things begin to look up when Ruth catches the eye of a wealthy single man named Boaz.  Boaz is a good man, this we know.  He offers her some protection and some food.  But Boaz is not giving Ruth what she really needs – a ring.

So what does Ruth do?  She seduces him. Here’s the scene: The men have been working dawn till dusk to bring in the barley harvest; they’ve just finished and now it’s party time.  Ruth takes a bubble bath and puts on a knockout dress; then she waits for the right moment.  That moment happens to be late in the evening after Boaz has had a little too much to drink: “When Boaz had finished eating and drinking and was in good spirits…” (Ruth 3:7).  “Good spirits” is in there for the more conservative readers.  The man is drunk, which is evident from what he does next: pass out.  “… he went over to lie down at the far end of the grain pile” (3:7).  What happens next is simply scandalous; the verse continues, “Ruth approached quietly, uncovered his feet and lay down.”

There is no possible reading of this passage that is “safe” or “nice.”  This is seduction pure and simple – and God holds it up for all women to follow when He not only gives Ruth her own book in the Bible but also names her in the genealogy.  Yes, there are folks that’ll try to tell you that it’s perfectly common for a beautiful single woman “in that culture” to approach a single man (who’s had too much to drink) in the middle of the night with no one else around (the far side of the grain pile) and tuck herself under the covers.  They’re the same folks who’ll tell you that the Song of Solomon is nothing more than a “theological metaphor referring to Christ and his bride.”  Ask ’em what they do with passages like “Your stature is like that of the palm, and your breasts like clusters of fruit.  I said ‘I will climb the palm tree; I will take hold of its fruit'” (Song 7:7-8).  That’s a Bible study, right?

No, I do not think Ruth and Boaz had sex that night; I not think anything inappropriate happened at all.  But this is no fellowship potluck, either.  I’m telling you that the church has really crippled women when it tells them that their beauty is in vain, and they are at their feminine best when they are”serving others.”  A woman is at her best when she is being a woman.  

Boaz needs a little help getting going and Ruth has some options.  She can badger him:  All you do is work, work, work.  Why won’t you stand up and be a man?  She can whine about it: Boaz, pleeease hurry up and marry me.  She can emasculate him: I thought you were a real man; I guess I was wrong.  Or she can use all she is as a woman to get him to use all he’s got as a man.

She can arouse, inspire, energize… seduce him.  Ask your man what he’d prefer.

Is there a Bad Seductress?

I would have to say that the number one threat to marriages, especially Christian marriages, is porn use.  And the Porn Star that the husband imagines having sex with, is a good example of a “bad seductress.”  She, herself, is not bad, but the husband being seduced by her in his imagination (instead of his wife) is what is detrimental to the marriage.  Most men who use porn are either doing it because they’re single (and don’t have a good outlet otherwise), are not getting enough frequent (and fulfilling sex), or are meeting a need their wife is not (or cannot) meet for them somehow.

A man who is fulfilled in his marriage completely, by his wife alone, by a wife who is able to meet his sexual needs, does not allow himself to be seduced by porn (or addicted to porn – where he can’t help but use it because he feels a strong temptation to).  God did not design marriage so that a husband fulfilled by his wife would still feel the desire to be seduced by porn.

I asked my husband what the deal really is with porn, his take on why a husband would still use it when married with a willing wife, and he came up with a great explanation.  In his words, everything about porn is seductive.  There are apparently a million different scenarios out there, all about a man or woman seducing the other into a sex act that is shown explicitly.  Old men seducing teenagers, women seducing married men, the babysitter seducing the husband, the teen seducing a married man, a female cougar seducing a younger man, and much more.  It is rarely a fantasy of the wife seducing her husband in a marriage the way God intended for it to be.  Porn is driven (mostly used) by men who are in an unfulfilled sexual situation (either single or married), otherwise they would be having their sexual needs met by their wife.  It makes sense that married men using porn would not be using it to see a wife seducing a husband.  They already have a wife (that is more than likely not able to seduce them for whatever reason, be it a stifling religious conviction, or a Madonna/Whore complex), and the husband instead is going to the porn actress, to imagine having sex with her, to meet a different need that his wife is not meeting.

Why Would a Wife Feel Bad When Seducing Her Husband?

Many different religious sects or churches impart a feeling that sex is only “pure” or “right” if it is done or in a certain specific context or manner.  I knew a girl that was getting married, and for her lingerie shower, she explicitly put on the invitations that she didn’t want to receive anything “too racy.”  

Racy::  risque, suggestive, naughty, sexy, spicy, ribald, indecent, immodest, dirty, raunchy

A wife who feels this way, that certain kinds of lingerie are too naughty for her, will more than likely have problems with feeling comfortable pursuing her husband seductively – it may feel fake to her, indecent, or too sexy or out of character for her to have fun with.

Would a Husband Ever Feel Uncomfortable With His Wife Seducing Him?

Men who have a sexual hangup called the Madonna/Whore complex often do have a huge issue with their wife behaving in any manner other than pure and angelic.  These men sadly undermine their marriage by purposefully picking a wife who is often extremely modest or religious, very feminine or motherly, and then proceed to have a marriage where they (the husband) is not sexually fulfilled by his wife.  His wife is his “Madonna,” his sweet, beautiful, caring, gentle, or even angelic being that he picked to be a good dutiful wife, and a wonderful mother to his children.

But men with this sexual disorder have a problem.  They have their Madonna, they even have sex with her (some have it to lesser or greater degrees however depending on how extreme the problem is), but they feel an intense draw to have a deeper sexual need met – and they only feel comfortable having it met by the Whore.  Men like this often struggle with porn their entire lives unless they work out their sexual issues in therapy because porn is the only outlet that meets this “Whore” need that also does the least damage to their marriage.  Some, however, graduate from porn to using prostitutes, but all are driven by this need to view their wives as pure, and only sexual in a certain light and context, thus they feel drawn to the “bad seductress.”  It makes them feel uncomfortable to see their wife (their Madonna) acting seductively towards them, because they did not pick her for that, and she is stepping outside of the role he picked her to play.  To them, there can be no “good seductress,” because to be seductive, is to be too sexy, risque, naughty, or raunchy.  They don’t want to defile their wife, but they are more than happy to imagine having sex with the porn star who wears lots of makeup, wild lingerie, does virtually any sexual act, and has dyed hair or fake breasts.  This is the kind of woman he feels comfortable defiling, not his pure, religious, good wife.

The wife is the real victim here in our opinion, because she often does not feel enough for her husband, and sadly, he ensured that she would never be by picking her to only fulfill half of his desires.  Every time he uses porn and enjoys imagining having sex with a woman who represents (in every way imaginable) the opposite of his wife, she feels more and more defeated.  A couple who finds themselves in this predicament need to seek counseling immediately so that their marriage is not continually undermined by the husband’s sexual hangup.

God designed the wife to be a complete package for her husband, a mix of the angelic, feminine qualities, a good mother and loyal wife, but also with the allure of the sexual vixen who (only for her husband) can feel freedom in being the good seductress.

 

UPDATED:

I might need to clarify: I’m not saying that men should not ever be attracted to other women, that they are somehow undermining their wife and marriage this way. This is not what the post is saying at all. Men will always be attracted to beautiful women, or feel strong temptation to lust after a woman if she’s barely clothed or naked and suddenly in his path! That is men’s natural design, but that is completely different from pursuing and allowing himself to be seduced by porn (continually) in a marriage.  A porn addiction is not the same as feeling tempted – all men feel tempted, but not all men have a stronghold of addiction of failing to break free of that sexual bondage while in a marriage.

Sexual temptation (baring a satanic stronghold in a man’s life) will usually be a lot less, however, if a wife is loving him passionately and fulfilling him sexually.

Advertisements

15 thoughts on “The Good or Bad Seductress

  1. Dragonfly,
    I can see you have a real heart for helping others to improve their marriages. I may have misjudged you in the past – I am very sorry for that.
    I totally agree with everything you said a wife should do in pursuing her husband for sex… if I mentally change every instance of “seduce” to “romance” or “flirt with”. 😉
    Not to go into great detail, but one way my husband and I enjoy flirting with each other is by making dirty jokes throughout the day (while the kids are young enough to not understand). And lately I have been reflecting on the particular joy of having saved this for each other. When my peers were enjoying the “thrill” of dirty jokes and wild flirtations in high school, I refrained because it didn’t seem appropriate. And now my husband and I get to flirt with abandon, and it is GOOD and HOLY! God’s way really does work best.

    Also, I don’t know if you’d call it “pulling a Ruth”, but I pretended I didn’t know how to install my printer so that my husband (then crush) would come to my room to help me. Then I serenaded him with my guitar. Worked 😉

  2. That is so cute!!!!! I love that you “pulled a Ruth” with him ❤ And don't worry, this is a really difficult (or potentially painful) topic apparently. 😦

  3. I agree with you. Seduction actually serves two positive roles in the modern dating scene:

    -Flirtatious initiation and overt displays of attraction in early stages, to encourage a shy guy to give it a shot.

    -A sort of roleplay between LTR partners where the man gets to “play” being pursued and coerced for once.

    Both involve a woman putting on a bit of an act to stir a man’s passions. But the first is to let a less sociable man know about his options and the second is to make a husband feel desired and chased.

    And both can actually be done without ruining the “Madonna illusion”, by the way. The first girl can show attraction by holding eye contact until she blushes, lip biting, toying with her hair obviously and smiling pleasantly. It’s still an act and it’s still captivating her shy guy, but it isn’t directly sexual. The second girl can seduce her partner by wearing a slightly shorter skirt and going about her daily business with a slight extra sway in her hips, pressing her body to his as she walks past or leans over his chair, leaning her thigh into his as they sit together. It’s still exaggerated and it can inspire sexual thoughts in a man without her ever having to put on a pornstar act. She can even put on a bit of an act of shock when he “initiates”. There are so many nuances to seduction that it’s hard to really define it other than:

    “Consciously displaying yourself in a way to attract male attention.”

    Which also means makeup, high heels, hanging out in a male social circle or intentionally bumping into your crush are also seduction, of course.

  4. “And don’t worry, this is a really difficult (or potentially painful) topic apparently.”

    But why? Why is (passionate) sex with one’s husband a painful, difficult topic? This is a puzzlement to me. Same with inspiring one’s husband.

  5. I think she means that the topic has thus far generated a lot of discussion/argument. It’s a “hot” topic (pun intentional).
    It’s not painful for me personally, but it might be for others who either don’t feel this desire for their husbands, or their husbands don’t want it from them. When it comes to online discussions, you never know the background someone is bringing to the table 😉

  6. Excellent! I haven’t read Captivating, I’ll have to look into getting that. It was many years ago that we read Wild at Heart and I remember it helping me greatly understand the needs of my husband that he might never have expressed to me based on the kind of wife I was then.

    Do you believe that women can rape men? Or that men can experience regret rape, often when it results in children they didn’t want. Or when the woman wanted to get pregnant before divorcing the man?

    Whether it was intentional or not, this is similar to the concern trolling we see over and over again with the topic of submission – The Extremes. The What Ifs. Because horrible women constantly look for Christian married women’s advice on how to best destroy their men, right? Seeking out blogs like this one to learn how to manipulate their husbands? (sarc)

    Marriage is consent. 1 Corinthians 7:4
    Another area secularists will never understand regarding the Truth of marriage and why we Christians know it is about more than “love wins” – it is a really huge commitment which includes consent. The one-flesh covenant is not something to enter into without consideration of this.

  7. Thank you Sarah’s Daughter, Yes, we have Wild at Heart also, my husband and I read it when we were engaged and it really truly opened his eyes. He wasn’t really a Christian – just a “practicing Catholic” that didn’t actually have a relationship with God. That book helped me so much to understand my own brother and his relationship with our dad as well. Captivating is a wonderful amazing book on a woman’s real power (as God designed). I did a small group study on it with some women when I was in college. Very sweet book.

    Another concern trolling example would be women who come here saying their husbands still use porn and they are doing everything they can to fulfill them. Obviously, I still stand by my words that God did not design marriage to have porn in the middle between husband and wife (blocking true intimacy), but the reason why I’ve never hit hard on porn before is because I truly believe that most men using it, are only using it because their wives are refusing to meet their needs sexually and relationally. I’ve always felt bad for these men and that’s why I’m not a super anti-porn Christian… because I think it is mostly on the fault of the wife for not fulfilling him in every way possible. But again, its still deviating form God’s intended design of marriage, but I’m less harsh on the man sinning in this way, because (in my opinion) he’s usually being driven to it by a wife who’s sexually starving him or otherwise not caring to really love him the way God intended her to love him (freely, passionately, and intentionally).

    In the extreme cases (of porn use or “sexual addiction”), obviously the husband needs to seek counseling much like the husband in the post that may have a Madonna/Whore sexual issue. Obviously, a wife in these situations is the victim… but this is extremely rare.

  8. I guess I can understand why it might be a painful topic.
    I’m sure Jane Eyre (a fictional character I feel an affinity toward) would have turned into a completely different person if she’d married St. John Rivers out of a sense of duty, rather than Mr. Rochester for love, in the end.

  9. That’s a really good example, Liz! That other man (John Rivers) was only seeking to marry Jane for the status and privilege of having a wife in his “spiritual journey” – there wasn’t real attraction there right?

    To me this is a good example of a preliminary Madonna/Whore complex ridden marriage, but I could be wrong. If she had married him under that premise, then she would have been guilty of settling herself (marrying just so she could be the wife of a missionary/pastor). I’ve actually seen marriages like that :/ It sets both up for failure.

  10. And both can actually be done without ruining the “Madonna illusion”, by the way.

    I just have a real issue with that whole “Madonna” issue, and this is coming from a woman who played and used good girl game (Madonna illusion game). The problem (for me) is that it views sex as being dualistic – its either dirty sex or “pure” sex somehow to people who subscribe to that sexual hangup.

    Maybe you mean that a wife doesn’t have to lose her sweet innocence in being able to also use seduction? That I totally agree on. My husband says that I basically give him “porn star sex,” but he also views me at times super innocent and like he needs to protect me. He doesn’t have an unhealthy view of me only being able to behave a certain way because I’m supposed to be “pure” or something.

  11. I might need to clarify: I’m not saying that men should not ever be attracted to other women, that they are somehow undermining their wife and marriage this way. This is not what the post is saying at all. Men will always be attracted to beautiful women, or feel strong temptation to lust after a woman if she’s barely clothed or naked and suddenly in his path! That is men’s natural design, but that is completely different from pursuing and allowing himself to be seduced by porn (continually) in a marriage.

    That temptation will usually be a lot less, however, if a wife is loving him passionately and fulfilling him sexually.

  12. That second one.

    I also think Madonna and Whore sexual strategies both have a place inside a relationship. The Madonna gives a man that touch of maternal love that makes him comfortable in giving his children to you. The Whore gives a man that primal sexuality that he naturally craves. But the reason so many people have hangups is that today the women who choose Whore-mode more often than Madonna-mode have ruined primal sex for much of the rest of society. They’re often mentally unstable, lonely, sad, physically ill and noncommittal. Is it any wonder that a good man worries when he sees those behaviours emerge in his loving Madonna? How is he to know that she’s just giving him a little of what nature tells her to do and not rapidly spiraling towards modern decay?

    I think if you keep everything playful enough, even the most anxious of men can come to realize that the Madonna and the Whore reside in every woman and that not all Madonnas are good people and not all Whores are for sale, so to speak. But I don’t blame them for worrying.

  13. But the reason so many people have hangups is that today the women who choose Whore-mode more often than Madonna-mode have ruined primal sex for much of the rest of society.

    You really are right here in my opinion.

    They’re often mentally unstable, lonely, sad, physically ill and noncommittal. Is it any wonder that a good man worries when he sees those behaviours emerge in his loving Madonna? How is he to know that she’s just giving him a little of what nature tells her to do and not rapidly spiraling towards modern decay?

    Right…. I do believe though that almost every man (of course there are always outliers or exceptions) desire a woman who is pure or chaste in general, but a whore for him – (I’ve heard it said in the manosphere… all men want a slut, they just want her to only be their slut). I don’t like the word slut (and don’t really like the word whore)… having known prostitutes and actually been friends with such women (and men), they are usually the most broken people I’ve ever known, have endured the most unspeakable and unimaginable abuse… I just don’t like seeing how much shame and hatred is thrown their way with those words by Christians who think its their job to shame or punish them (elevate themselves above them).

    But anyway, you’re right that in every healthy person (Christian or not) that raw sexual passion and desire (the “whore”) is there in varying degrees of personality.

  14. Pingback: Email Question: How Much Should I Chase a Guy? | All Things Bright and Beautiful

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s