Healing From Emotional Wounds: Why Does It Take So Long for Some to Heal


I’ve often wondered why some people are more capable of going through a crisis, or even a series of crises, and are simply able to heal faster, or are more open to accepting the necessary truths that lead to their healing, than other people?  What makes the difference between a person who heals faster through therapy or their own self-reflective journey, and the person who has been in therapy for years and still deals with feelings of hopelessness?

I have felt depression, isolation, anxiety, and devastated feelings of self-worth at only a couple of times in my life after family rejection or intense family problems, but when I did, I knew somehow that I needed help to get back to my old self. The first step is admitting their is a problem in your life that is causing you to feel a certain way, the second is motivating yourself enough to do something about it so that you can come to a solution for that problem, and consequently find sustainable healing.  I’ve been very quick to seek counseling from an adviser, mentors, or psychiatrist, and it’s always resulted in healing for me – very deep, profound healing, and within a short time frame compared to someone who needs to spend years in psychotherapy.

I actually enjoy sharing my soul with a mentor or a wonderfully skilled psychiatrist who can pick apart my brain with their objective lens to see or validate my feelings in crisis situations, or to help me see myself or others in the correct (true) light.  I embrace their honesty with me because when I go, I am earnestly searching for truth and healing.  Having that validation, especially from a skilled psychiatrist, that objective perspective of a stranger who understands people and behavior, is extremely reaffirming and rewarding.  I value learning the truth, gaining peace about the events that have happened in my life, and I’m sure people who take longer to heal crave this as well.  But why do they take so long?

It isn’t fair (but then again, life isn’t fair).  But why do some people heal from emotional wounds so easily, while others take so much time… or never do?  Why do some reject truth or solutions to their problems, continue to live in depression or denial, or keep high-walled barriers around their anxiety or loss of purpose?

Suicide is the culmination of hopelessness.  When a person loses their will to live, their sense of any purpose in life or feel that their presence here is worthless, that terrifying concept of suicide starts to enter their brains.  Having known people who have had these thoughts or acted on them, I feel completely at a loss as to how to rationalize the decision a person comes to when they try to take their own life.  I simply cannot comprehend it… perhaps I’m selfish, I greatly enjoy and value my life.  But I realize I have a great sense of purpose… I’m not simply living for myself, I have two beautiful children who depend on me.

And who would be devastated if I selfishly took my own life.

But even if I had no one, if by God’s purpose everything I love was ripped away from me, I would hope that I would continue on my journey of living a life of worth.  I would hope I would still find life worth living, search for someone to help, and create something to live for.

I read a passage while we were out at a lake yesterday that both brought up and answered all these questions.  From The Search for Significance, by Robert McGee,

If we were computers, solutions to our problems would be produced in microseconds.  People, however, don’t change that quickly.  The agrarian metaphors in the Scriptures depict seasons of planting, weeding, watering, growth, and harvesting.  Farmers don’t expect to plant seeds in the morning and harvest their crops that afternoon.  Seeds must go through a complete growth cycle, receiving plenty of attention in the process, before they mature.  In this age of instant coffee, microwave dinners, and instant banking, we tend to assume that spiritual, emotional, and relational health will be instantaneous.  These unrealistic expectations only cause discouragement and disappointment.

I have witnessed people become discouraged or disappointed that their results of peace or healing didn’t come as fast as they expected they would.  I’ve also felt the pain of discouragement and disappointment that comes when you are waiting for someone to go through the necessary growth they need in order to be healthy and mature.  I’ve desired reconciled relationships that just don’t happen, and have watched as people choose denial and falsehoods to mask their unhealthy behaviors so that they can continue living in a life void of growth.  They reject having a real, healthy relationship because ultimately, they reject the stretching or stress they’d need to undergo in order to change their behavior.

Growth is painful, because it has to be, in order to work towards any solution, one has to be willing to do the hard, dirty work of growing, anything less won’t result in true healing.

Our growth will be stunted and superficial if we don’t give proper emphasis to honesty about our emotions, affirming relationships, right thinking promoted through biblical study and application, the ministry of the Holy Spirit, and time.

Some of us seem to respond to this environment of growth very quickly; others, after a few weeks or months; and still others, never at all.  Why the difference?  Why are some of us able to apply principles of growth so much more readily than others? …

Those who respond quickly may not be as wounded as others, or they may already be in an environment which has prepared them for relatively rapid growth.

Some of us are in situations where one of more elements of growth are in some way missing or lacking.  We may be trying to deal with our difficulties alone.  We may be depending on a rigid structure of discipline for positive change, instead of blending a healthy combination of our responsibility of the Holy Spirit’s enabling power.  We may be expecting too much too soon, and may be experiencing disappointment with our slow results.  Some of us may, in fact, be ready to quit the growth process entirely.

One thing I truly appreciate about my childhood and adolescence was the way my parents went about their parenting.  They were (and are) such wonderful people.  They were always kind, loving, generous, supportive, and were always available to talk to through any and every situation or question I had.  They were both open books, and gave me a world of knowledge by sharing with me openly and honestly, what they understood.  They both loved science and research, and had knowledge of the world outside of our small town that they frequently made sure I was aware of.  In many ways, they were almost liberal for being Christians, and yet their convictions were firm and deeply, beautifully grounded.

They both had their imperfections, but they gave me so much wisdom and knowledge through their honesty, openness, and love displayed when I was in their household.  This is more than likely the reason I have no problem at all finding deep healing in being honest with an objective adviser of any kind.  But what about the many who didn’t have great parents?  So many people have lived through abuse or neglect of some kind… does it affect the way they heal or their unique receptiveness to healing?

Those of us who can’t seem to get the light turned on have the greatest difficulty in beginning this process.  We can’t see our problems.  We may recognize that something is wrong, but can’t pinpoint exactly what.  Or our defense mechanisms of denial may be so strong that we’re unable to see any needs in our lives at all.

Those from stable, loving families are usually better able to determine what their difficulties are, and be honest about them, than those who are shackled by the defense mechanisms that are often developed in dysfunctional families.

Those from abusive, manipulative, or neglectful families have far more to overcome than those from a healthier home environment.  Alcoholism, divorce, sexual abuse, physical abuse, workaholism, drug abuse, and other major family disorders leave deep wounds.  Many people from backgrounds like these have suppressed their intense hurt and anger for so long that they are simply out of touch with the reality in their lives.  Therefore, just as a broken arm requires more time, attention, and therapy for healing than does a small abrasion, people suffering from deep emotional, spiritual, and relational injuries need more time, attention, love, and encouragement than those with more minor wounds.

“Why doesn’t just understanding these issues work?  Why isn’t knowledge enough to produce change?”

(Author,) “Man is a relational, physical, emotional, and spiritual being.  We develop and learn and grow best in an environment of honestly, love, and affirmation, where all aspects of our nature are given the encouragement to heal.”

A woman asked me, “What do I need to do to begin seeing some results?”

“Put yourself in an environment of growth, which includes all the elements of honesty, affirming relationships, right thinking, the ministry of the Holy Spirit, and time.  I can’t tell you how or when growth will come – but I know that it will come if you are patient and persistent.”

Living in such a way as to be healthy isn’t so much a destination anymore, but a constant ebb and flow of life’s journey of ups and downs that come to us, in my opinion.  Life will always have problems or pain, there will always be something right now or in the future that we are going to have to work or grow through.  I love the McGee’s symbolism of the seasons of planting, weeding, watering, growth, and harvesting.

If we have the patience of the farmer as he waits for the seeds to germinate, the persistence of his dedication in tending to his garden by pulling weeds or pruning older plants of their dead or useless limbs, we will in time, harvest the fruit and beauty we’re working towards.


  1. Cast aside the pagan idolatry of psychiatrists. They don’t even have a tenth of the story, not an infinitesimal fraction of the wisdom that begins in your poignant fear of The Lord.

    But even if I had no one, if by God’s purpose everything I love was ripped away from me, I would hope that I would continue on my journey of living a life of worth.

    What then shall we say to this? If God is for us, who is against us? He who did not spare his own Son but gave him up for us all, will he not also give us all things with him?

    Who shall bring any charge against God’s elect? It is God who justifies; who is to condemn? …

    Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? …

    No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.

    For I am sure that neither death, nor life, nor angels, nor principalities, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, nor height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord.

    — Romans 8

  2. My advice is not to wear yourself out on waiting for that person to grow. Only they can do what is necessary, and, if you try too hard while they are doing nothing, when they do eventually do something, you may *feel* nothing. Let go of what you cannot change and take care of yourself. They will come through it in time or you will have gone your separate ways.

  3. PS: Suicide is the result of extreme loss of significance. It is not “selfish” as so many claim. They have absolutely no feeling of worth and cannot imagine that anyone would be affected by their death.

    Mothers who want to commit suicide sometimes kill their children first because they don’t want to leave them motherless.

  4. Right. I think moving on with your life and just letting go is the best route. That’s what I’ve been doing for about 3 years now, and it’s been full of peace and beauty without drama in our lives. We are so much happier!

    I’m starting to realize more and more that you simply cannot (and should not) help someone that isn’t truly seeking real help.

  5. Yeah, and it’s really deceptive because the person is screaming for help, but they don’t actually want to do anything that might work, usually because it involves change. Or, they want help but not from you (the universal you).

  6. I think it’s selfish because they are only thinking of themselves when they do it usually. Maybe that excludes the mother cases when they take their baby as well, I’m not sure. But the devastation people leave behind when they commit suicide is (in my opinion) very selfish… especially when they have children (young or grown). The ones left behind have to deal with the fact that their loved one didn’t want to have a future with them (or their kids). Maybe it’s just part of the anger phase of being angry that someone would choose that, choose to leave their children, grandchildren, etc.

  7. I understand what you are saying and agree in the case when someone takes their own life to punish others. But if they truly believe they matter to no one, it is impossible for it to be a selfish act.

    Sad story alert: One of my former students hung himself last year after a fight with his wife. They had a young child. Although I don’t know what they fought about, I suspect she was planning to divorce him. Apparently a car chase ensued and he tried to run her off the road. It didn’t work and he returned home and killed himself. Facing the loss of his family and the consequences of what he had tried to do to them, he punished himself. Tragic. This all took place in a matter of hours. I am sure the wife considers it selfish. Now she has to raise the child on her own without his resources, which she would have gotten had they divorced instead of him killing himself. I suspect he found it selfish that she wanted to leave him and find some better life. In some cases, what is selfish is a matter of perspective.

  8. “The ones left behind have to deal with the fact that their loved one didn’t want to have a future with them (or their kids).”

    And my response is, in a suicidal state, a person does not believe it matters to anyone whether they have a future with them or not. I think maybe the word “selfish” is just a misapplied word. I don’t know quite what to replace it with though. Something that implies total degradation of self. A complete loss of connection to the world. “Lost” or “discordant” are inadequate.

  9. It does sound like she was probably planning to divorce him. That is at least a little more understandable for me… when men are being or have just been through a divorce, losing their children, that makes sense. Every case is different.

  10. Women destroy men (in concert with the State), whose values exclude the idea that women destroy men. So, “must think happy thoughts about the lake.” Carry on.

  11. King I am interested in why you said “cast aside the pagan idolatry of psychiatrists?” God gave doctors medicine, knowledge and treatments for mental illnesses that can lead to healing or beneficial improvements in mood and thought processes when an illness is causing thoughts of self harm or even sucide. God allowed humans to discover the use of mediation for physical ailments why would the knowledge and treatments for a mental illness be pagan idolatry?
    I do think that psychiatrists and psychologists, secular or Christian based in their treatments, are highly needed and have helped many people who have a chemical imbalance that has lead to mental illness and thoughts of self harm and suicide. I think Christian counseling in addition to a psychiatrist or psychologist’s treatments are the best way to deal with such thoughts and feelings and once, or at the same time as, the mental illness is beening diagnosed and treated is the best treatment. I am not trying to be confrontational with you, I just don’t understand why you would call in “pagan idolatry.” I look forward to a response so I might better understand where you are coming from.

  12. I think this was a very interesting post that has brought up many important points about emotional wounds and the length of the road to healing. I feel that some emotional wounds are emotional/environmental stressors that bring out genetic predisposition for certain mental illnesses that are very difficult to live with since there is currently not cure that humans possess. I do believe that God could and sometimes does heal mental illnesses and emotional issues.

    While there are some suicides that are selfish or done with the intention of blaming someone else and hurting them. I do also know some suicidal attempts or self harm actions are a result of feeling so inadequate as a result of social/environmental stressors or mental illnesses where certain chemical imbalances are the cause of these feelings and such deep despair.

    I try to remember to pray for all people who are dealing with mental illness and despair. I pray that they listen to the still, small voice in them that reminds them they do not need to to end their life and either reach out for help or are caught before they succeed in their attempt to self harm or end their life. I also try to pray for the family members and loved ones who are dealing with such things happening in their lives. I hope that if anyone know of someone who struggles with such feelings/thoughts and/or their loved ones that they are made aware that you are there for them (sorry that is the psychologist in me coming out). Again thank you Dragonfly for posting on such an important topic.

  13. Thanks for the question. Psychiatrists are not physicians, they are pastoral usurpers who deliver victims to a false god and transgressors of the first commandment.

    Our modern healers are pill happy. They do not cure anything, they manage symptoms — the methods of which create still more symptoms. If ninety percent of psychiatry’s work weren’t attempting to manage diseases of the soul through chemical and secular micromanagement, they might be a reliable partner in healing as you suggest.

    There is an epistemological problem in attempting to apply the scientific (positivist, materialist, atheist) method to human behavior. Human behavior is not like the deductive certainty of “billiard balls,” whose predictability allowed us with great success to advance the physical sciences. We are more than nature; we are supernature, made in the image and likeness of God.

    The presumption of these practitioners of the “study of the soul (psyche)” is that nothing exists outside of nature, and therefore the human being can be understood the way we can understand the motion of the planets or the life cycle of a tree. That’s not Christian. What’s more, proof of their inadequacy can be found in their constantly shifting, fictional renderings of human behavior, especially when compared to the essentially unchanging laws of Newtonian physics or Euclidean geometry.

    The science of the soul is Christianity. The church has a methodology unlike any other. Modern idolaters call sin “disease” and evil “superstition.” They rest their conjectures and hypotheses on the assumption that we are nothing more than the product of colliding atoms and biological processes. They do more harm than good.

    A return to exorcisms and demonology would be more effective. The old ways personified evil influences to better neutralize them by making them more accessible to the patient. This only seems laughable today because the god to which we really pray is mindless modernism made palatable through “moralistic therapeutic deism.” It is a species of distrust in the Lord. That distrust is killing people everywhere.

    If you’d like an example of how Christian practice is more powerful than psychiatry, consider Alcoholics Anonymous. The Twelve Steps are almost explicitly Christian. They are not outwardly Christian because a behavioral miasma like drunkenness compels those most captured by the sin to reject all things that even vaguely sound like Christ. Until they see the face of the devil at “rock bottom.”

    If psychotherapy consciously limited itself to chemical processes and subsumed itself under the aegis of a compatible epistemology to Christianity, it would have a place. But right now it is an enemy, and as presently constituted cannot even conceive itself becoming merely scientific.


  14. Suicide is the result of facing the abyss while untethered to the divine. Few of us are truly tethered today, rumors of the “death of God” is believed, and the father of lies has a free hand to incite self-murder at will.

    In an attempt at empathy, you lose yourself in weasel words when forthright condemnation is called for. This is life or death, good and evil. It is not for the fainthearted or the untrained.

    You belong, body and soul, to Another, and it was ransomed for an infinite price. It is not your property to destroy.

    Yes, one’s mental state factors in, but there is no power in your general accommodation to one of the direst evils that exists. If anything, your hesitation is an accidental encouragement to die. You show the weakness of dismissing evil when the godless morose need something like the opposite: an acknowledgment of what they’re up against, and a way out. The only way out.

    Patton understood. Sometimes the best medicine is a swift slap in the face. Our wishy washy therapeutic age cannot fathom that pain is the starkest agent of compassion.


  15. I agree with you that, as a whole, psychiatry is not even close to what it should be. I’m lucky… because of my husband’s job and benefits, I have access to something most don’t… an old school psychiatrist that talks people through situations they’ve been in or are currently in, and gives them a Christian perspective that is very healing in itself.

    I think, I really left out how much God has been the one to heal me through life’s trials. Honestly, I’ve always turned to Him in my darkest times… and He has ALWAYS come through for me – not “talking to someone,” even though I do believe He uses people to send the message at times. But the immense healing I’ve truly had really happened one on One, with Him, while trying to be faithful in daily meeting with Him.

    The new psychiatry that is based on New Age thinking has extremely harmful ramifications (spiritually speaking). There “is no sin,” … or “if it feels right to you, then it MUST be right.” They don’t believe in absolute truth, and can set you up for all kinds of failure in relationships, but especially in your relationship with God. So again… my situation is not the norm anymore unfortunately. Most really do just prescribe pills (only!!) and don’t even talk through their patients’ life circumstances… they just prescribe pills for the symptoms like Matt said. They don’t dare go deeper… to get to any real issues (which are almost always spiritual issues). How can secular psychiatrists, counselors, or mentors really understand how to help you?

  16. So good! Thank you for confirming in my mind what suicide is in light of Christianity… it’s just really hard to understand why someone you love would choose this path, when you feel like they knew better. ….

  17. Hi! Okay, so you likely already know what I’ll say here, but just in case…

    Psychiatry: I know this isn’t you, Dragonfly, but for the sake of random readers—It would help folks to learn neurochemistry. We really are just bags of meat, water, and electricity. That doesn’t diminish fundamentalist/Mormon/Catholic Jesus or whatever. Psychiatrists are usually the only way people can even begin actual therapy. Their bodies won’t allow them otherwise. The meds allow them (most days) to live normal life and actually have the chance to get helpful therapy. It’s really not anti-Jesus or threatening or anything. I promise! (Some will abuse psychiatric medicine, I know. Same as those who abuse doctors who prescribe muscle relaxers.)


    Suicide: it’s the last moral choice a person makes (as far as they can tell).

    Emotional wounds: it doesn’t take too long to heal. For some folks, they simply can’t heal normally because they are being asked to heal from their identity. An outside observer/therapist is trying to get them to “heal” and return to a healthy emotional state—problem is, the ONLY state the person has ever known is the damaged state. That is who they are and have ever been (as far as they can tell).

    It’s sometimes not very easy to be with a person like that. Don’t be with them, if it’s too hard for you. It’s not a criticism of you if you don’t like them or it’s just too much.

    The wounded feel a deep, incapacitating terror of knowing themselves.

  18. And sorry, folks, I realize I’m obviously conflating emotional abuse with more tangible forms of abuse (sexual, physical). It’s not 100% the same thing, I get it, but the same principles usually apply.

  19. I’m happy to see you, as a Christian blogger, discussing the problem of actual depression. I feel like it isn’t talked about enough in the church and Christian communities in general. It’s something I’ve had a lot of trouble with, and whenever I would try to talk to my pastor or my church group about what I was struggling with it was treated like I had lost faith in God. It was never that I doubted God, I was just stuck. I knew God was there, he just felt very very far away, and that separation was terrifying.

    I know a previous commenter expressed a general distaste for psychiatrists, but the only person who I felt like I could connect with and who heard me during that time was the Christian psych. that I was able to find. Having a doctor who understood the medical implications of depression (whether it is pathological, or recovering from a trauma, or loss) and how important your relationship with God and your sense of belonging and purpose is in achieving peace after depression.

  20. I just happened upon this and I am really shocked that King’s (aka Matt) (see June 8, 2015 up there) idea would go unchallenged. He was doing fine until he advocated the slap in the face to a person who is suffering and needs love, not hatred. I cannot tell you how frequently I received the hatred he advocates when I needed instead for some loving support.

    I know many people who believe a slap in the face is the best cure for anybody. In fairness, this is one of the worst things a person can do. King is an example of many people I’ve known — I am supreme, I know what is best for you, and if you dissent or disagree, I will administer a swift punishment. You quickly learn to do what you’re told and keep your mouth shut. People like this only want to be obeyed. They do not want to establish relationships with others, they do not want you to confide in them, they do not want to understand you. Obedience is everything; relationship is nothing. He is a prime example of what goes on in a lot of very traditionally-minded homes.

    I learned years ago that empathy is considered by many to be a wishy-washy thing, and I learned to stop confiding in family members. While it didn’t alleviate various feelings or difficulties, it did help me keep my mouth zipped about them. I learned, too, that if it got too hard to handle, where I could locate inexpensive and empathetic help — only problem is, even though it’s inexpensive, it still costs…..oh, well!

    People like King, aka Matt, are a major problem in a lot of situations today — they are generally just as bad as godless and secular psychiatrists. The other swing of the pendulum too far to the other side. Like I said, I could agree in general with all he said until that little comment — which revealed him for who he really is.

  21. I know this is an old thread but I just came across this blog post today. I’m kind of disappointed with some of what I read in the post as well as in the comments as it relates to professional help (psychiatrists) and views on depression and suicide from those who are of faith. I hope that some will read this and decide to become part of the solution instead of part of the problem.

    First of all, I am a committed believer, full of faith and absolute trust and dependence in God. Now, as someone who has struggled with depression and anxiety for most of my life (messed up childhood), with the exception of one or two comments, I see that what you believe about these things means you’ve not really experienced it fully and/or you lack any real understanding on these issues.

    Major depressive disorder is not something that simply gets prayed away. Sometimes it is spiritual. Sometimes it is biochemical. Sometimes it is both. This is one of my biggest issues with the Church. Christians for the most part (just to be clear, I am a Christian) are very good at throwing out Scripture verses like cliches. It’s no different than the new age “just think positive thoughts” movement. This type of thinking doesn’t help people suffering with mental health issues. All it does is stigmatize it further and cause those of us who have real struggles to become isolated and withdrawn. This needs to change. And I’ll be frank, it’s these attitudes regarding depression that keep people from getting the professional help they need and lead some people to suicide.

    I’m appalled at the comments regarding psychiatry. It seems some need to do serious research regarding the type of biochemical changes that happen in the brain as a result of trauma, abuse, etc. The reality is that if I had not gone for help and gotten medication to balance the chemicals in my brain, I wouldn’t have been able to move forward to get the counseling and deal with all that has been the cause of this. To be completely frank, I would’ve been one of those people who you can’t understand how they could possibly take their own life. Suicide is not just “hopelessness”. It’s a way to end the never ending pain that many people like those commenting here can’t even imagine a person suffers.

    I thank God for psychiatry and for medications that have helped me get to a place where I can receive, not just the professional medical help, but also spiritual help.

    One last thing: the Church is supposed to be a safe place and safe people for those who are hurting to come to. But it generally is not because of this way of thinking that I’ve read above. The culture of the Church needs to change in this regard if we are to see real transformation and healing for those who come. After being told I should read the Bible more (I was constantly in the Word since I was in seminary and leading a women’s Bible study group), have more faith, look to see who I needed to forgive, etc., I had to go outside of my then church family to get help from a secular psychiatrist and secular therapist. It was the best decision I ever made. They were the only safe people that would help me. “Let go and let God” is the most absurd thing you can tell someone who suffers from mayor depressive disorder. It’s not real, it’s not a solution and it’s dangerous.

    I have given leadership development conferences for women’s ministry groups and I can tell you that if I spend 30 minutes discussing one topic and give 5 minutes of my personal story and if I mention my struggle with depression in a 30 second soundbite, that’s what the women will come to ask me about at the conclusion of the conference. They feel that they cannot even talk about their struggles with their pastors or ministry leaders because of the kind of thinking some of you have expressed above. There is a need that isn’t being met in the Church and, as St. Thomas Moore Academy mentions, empathy goes a long way. I’m determined to speak out about these things and be a part of the solution. Perhaps that has been God’s purpose in allowing me to suffer through this illness.

    Disclaimer: this doesn’t apply to all comments above, but to those who refuse to accept the reality of depression as a mental illness and the need for professional help, such as psychiatry.

  22. I actually agree with a lot of what you said here. I think most of the commenters that were against psychiatry were against the “New Age” kind that is purely secular and the kind that also prescribes pills without discretion. Empathy for others does go along way, however the woman behind the St. Thomas Moore Academy moniker has been banned from this blog for hate speech against Protestants/anti-Catholics.

  23. It is ironic to me that the people who are the loudest to hem and haw about their life-long victim-hood have absolutely no tolerance for people with other beliefs.

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