Submission… Is it really a dirty word?

trucks

When my husband and I were first married, we had a major problem… we had one car (his truck), and I couldn’t drive it.  It was a manual – a stickshift – something both my parents knew how to drive, but I hadn’t a clue.  My car that I drove while living with my parents and in college had been an automatic, they saw no value in my going out of my way to learn how to drive a stick.  So that first year, my husband took it upon himself to try to teach me how to drive his truck, there was much laughter, some choice words, lots of screaming as the truck seemed to take on a life of it’s own, bucking like a bronco, lunging forward or peeling out only to come to a bracing stop!  It was so wild.

We would practice my driving in the parking lot of a nearby mall where my husband worked security late at night after it had closed.  His security guys would sit and watch the show, laughing at the tragedy.  It took months for me to really understand how to drive his truck, but it was months of flirting, teasing, and moments of near-death experiences (ok… kidding… well, almost) that bonded us through the whole experience.  It was horrible, and yet so fun!  His teaching me how to drive his truck really cemented that we were in this together… for the long haul!

After only a couple of weeks of marriage, I started working down the street from the mall at a bookstore.  There was a man there about my husband’s age that was newly married as well, and had just celebrated his first year anniversary.  They also had a standard car, but his wife refused to let him teach her drive it.  I was surprised and asked him if he wanted me to talk her into it, the whole experience had been difficult, and I still didn’t have it down yet, but I was confident my husband would be able to teach me eventually.  We really had no other choice.  It was either I learn how to drive his truck, or I wouldn’t be able to get groceries on my own, run errands, or take over driving in case of an emergency.

I was confident that he would also be able to teach his wife how to drive their car, and tried to encourage him to get it done like we were doing, but he explained that she wanted nothing to do with it, and that it was no use.  When I met her a few months later, I was dismayed at the way she treated her husband in front of all of us at work.  Emasculated, disrespected, or disregarded are words that don’t even begin to cover what I saw her do to him in less than 5 minutes of watching them interact.  She was flat-out insulting towards him, there was no pretense of sweetness or kindness, even in public in front of his colleagues.  She humiliated him.  For just celebrating their one year anniversary, I couldn’t imagine what the future held for this couple.

This is a dramatic example, I don’t think most wives treat their husbands with such obvious contempt, but I do think that, in the privacy of our homes, women are much more apt to “refuse” to honor our husbands, to submit to them and what they desire for us and our marriage.  Is submission really that big of a deal?  Do wives that are Christian really have to submit to their husbands’ leadership?  Yes, and yes.

Submission is that big of a deal.  Even in the little things.  With every time that we don’t submit or take into account what our husbands want, we insult him.  Yes, insult.  We send him the message that we don’t think he should be our leader, that we don’t think he is mature enough, that we don’t believe in him, he isn’t intelligent enough, trustworthy enough.  Even if we say we believe he is all of these things, when we don’t honor him or try to correct him, we send the subliminal message that we know better – that we should be the leader over him, that he isn’t capable, we undermine his God-given ability to lead.  As long as our husbands aren’t using drugs or alcohol, have untreated mental disorders, or are abusive, submission is crucial to maintaining the fabric of a beautifully woven tapestry that is marriage.  He is the leader God’s given you, and you are the helper God’s given to him, both roles cannot be done without the other, they are equally as valuable, but equally distinctive from one another.

There cannot be two followers, two helpers, there has to naturally be one leader.  And likewise, there cannot be two leaders, that has to naturally be at least one follower, or there will be constant contention and strife as they argue or fight about who has the right to lead and to where.  Just like how we serve God, He alone is our Master, we cannot follow two Masters because they would have different goals, different ideologies or paths.  We would end up following one a little more than the other, so that following them equally would be impossible.  God’s design for one leader, the husband, in marriage is for the purpose of a marriage working smoothly, beautifully, the way He intended it should.

So what does submission really look like?

Submission is letting your husband know that you love him, that you trust his guidance, that you believe in his capability in leading you both in the right direction.  Submission is allowing him to have the final word, even if you disagree, think it could be a bad decision, or dislike his idea.  This does not mean that a wife must stand idly by and let him make, in her opinion, a bad decision without interjecting any of her thoughts; it simply means that she gives the ultimate answer, the final word to him.  Wives are important in helping their husbands in decision-making, their opinions are usually of great value to the men they’re married to, but wives have the responsibility to be led, and to do so in a way that honors her husband, because she honors God.  Making it hard for him to lead her is dishonoring not only him, but God who has set him before her.

Wives really are called to submit to their husbands, it is God’s plan and design for marriage.  When we aren’t trusting our husbands enough to lead us, to submit to their decisions or plans, we are ultimately not trusting God and His leadership.  If we want to obey God, we will make every effort to treat our husbands with respect, and shift our attitudes to that which God wants us to be.

If your husband desires that you learn how to drive standard because that is your only option for driving, and he cannot afford to buy you another car at that moment, honoring him is obeying him, and making every effort to learn how to drive that car.  If your husband desires that you help him get ready for work, make him his lunch so that getting out the door is easier, submission looks like the wife willingly packing his lunch, filling up his water bottle, and ensuring she gets everything ready before he needs to head out the door.  Honoring him cheerfully, giving lovingly.  Letting him know that he is worth it to her, that she looks up to him, even when she would rather not.  If she really wants to let him know how much she loves him, she’ll do a little extra – pack in a couple of his favorite sweets for a surprise, add in a handwritten love note for him to find at work.  Submitting to her husband is doing all of this, even when she’d rather focus on the kids eating their lunches, or take a nap, or “let him make his own sandwich. Submission is having an attitude of love shown in action, through making him his lunch, not because he isn’t capable of doing it himself, but because you think highly enough of him to make his life easier.  

Honoring him means showing him through tangible, everyday actions of sacrifice, the same that he does when he gives up being single, taking on a wife that he will work to support for the rest of his life.  He sacrifices everyday, every year, when uses almost the totality of his paycheck to support his wife and children, gives up his old hobbies and pleasures so that he can work extra hours for that vacation, or be a great dad in the evenings or on the weekends attending soccer games and family functions that are meaningful to his children and his wife.  Marriage is fulfilling, but only when it’s done the way God designed it.

To finish the story of our truck driving escapades, I ended up falling in love with driving stick… the feel of the road, the feel of the car – it was so much better than driving automatic, and I couldn’t imagine going back.  Because I was willing to learn even though it took a few months, we were able to wait on buying another car for the next 3 years of our marriage when we absolutely had to because we had our first son and needed space for a carseat.  I ended up choosing a stick, and we found that for cars, it was actually a couple thousand cheaper.

Trusting him to teach me to drive was a good decision, and one that still brings us joy when we look back on those wild, exhilarating rides in that abandoned parking lot late at night.  My husband often would tell me he thought it was sexy that I could drive his truck… and you know… it kind of is!  🙂

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29 thoughts on “Submission… Is it really a dirty word?

  1. Submission is an awesome biblical concept that brings peace, intimacy, and good sex to marriage. Red pill philosophy however, is a violent perversion that creates a caricature of manhood and mocks all that God intended.

  2. Tell me more what you think about the red pill… like as in what exactly is wrong with it? Everything I’ve seen for the most part (ignoring obviously crazy people) seems to work fine with biblical truths, but I have seen some nutcases out there.

  3. The Red Pill mentality just creates hostile, bitter men who do not believe in love and treat women as if we were just a disposable commodity, something less than human. They do not perceive themselves as having higher selves and women are nothing more than ornaments to be sexually harvested. The outright hatred, revenge fantasies, and promotion of violence within the red pills is just staggering. There is no rage phase, there is nothing but endless hatred towards women and ultimately towards their own selves. It is a complete distortion of masculinity that chooses to suppress all that is good and wonderful about men while reveling in their own egos and sense of moral superiority. It is the precise opposite of anything Christ taught.

  4. Well said, Dragonfly girl. 🙂

    It’s kind of funny…my husband and I had the opposite experience. I LOVED my manual and never wanted to part with it. But when I was pregnant with our first, my husband said I had to own a more sensible four-door and automatic. He said, “You’re going to be happy for that automatic when we have kids, because the stick shift will be distracting.”
    After some grumbling, I defered to his judgment. Boy, was he right! Lol! 🙂

  5. Always informative to read unsubstantiated, un-argued screeds from putatively Christian women who apparently can’t think their way out of a paper bag. All that was missing was the faux-Christian rage at the absence of sufficient ‘servant-leader’ men. Insanity, if you’re arguing a case, observed examples and logic are more useful than insults.

    ***

    Anyway, back to more enjoyable subjects (manual transmissions, and I’m not talking hand-jobs), I taught my daughter to drive stick in a 300 hp SAAB, with torque steer so bad you were in the ditch if you didn’t take your morning coffee. (This was a modified, pre-electronics front-wheel drive car.) I found the key was to teach the virtue of feathering, not dumping, the clutch. Once we understood what ‘feathering’ meant, all was well.

    I gave son #2’s mom my 911 to drive. (Thinking that if such didn’t indicate trust and purpose, nothing would. Hahahaha.) After the third fender-bender, a couple of speeding tickets, and a cancelled Geico policy, I suggested she buy a Boxster that didn’t go 65 in second gear. Oh no. Empowered investment bankers evidently consider “My man gave me a Porsche to drive” even more important, as a merit badge, than “We were in the Turks and Caicos, where did you go?” I got the car back, dropped a new clutch and brakes in it, and date now in a 1990 Volvo breadbox wagon or my F250. I took the footrail off the truck, which weeds out the unadventurous and short-legged.

    Not sure what Jesus says about manual transmissions, short-legged females, or tall boys in the cupholder. But I suspect He’s laughing. There’s a reason why He sought the company of whores and drunks, instead of mincing ‘servant leaders’ seeking feminine approval.

  6. The problem I’ve seen, over and over, is the wife who, in the beginning of the marriage, is willing and happy to do things like “help him get ready for work, make him his lunch so that getting out the door is easier, . . . willingly packing his lunch, filling up his water bottle, and ensuring she gets everything ready before he needs to head out the door. Honoring him cheerfully, giving lovingly.” After helping her husband, the young wife feeds the baby, gets herself ready to go to work, eats breakfast on her feet while she gets the baby ready to go to the sitter, and finally leaves the house in a rush with the baby, diaper bag, and her brief case. This goes on for years and becomes the pattern of the marriage. It’s nice to think that the husband will eventually reciprocate, but unfortunately, the church fosters a sense of entitlement for men. Women play the submissive role early in the marriage (trying to be the godly wife), and by the time the wife becomes overwhelmed, the husband doesn’t understand what’s gone wrong. Everything was working fine for him. The church speaks loudly about the wife being subservient to the husband, but only pays lip service to the concept of the husband respecting and honoring (much less getting to know) the wife. In the real world, the divorce rate is high and people are leaving the church in droves. What I have seen is that this model of marriage breaks down – women “submit” until they simply no longer have the stamina to take care of the house, the children, the husband (who expects to be taken care of like a big child), and go to work every day. Men are mystified when they follow the “Biblical model” and their wives are clinically depressed, exhausted, and unavailable to them. When they divorce, life is easier for the woman who still bears all the responsibilities as before, minus the burden of taking care of an adult man-child. Research has shown that after a divorce, women typically have less money, but rate their quality of life as “improved.” I am aware that if the husband truly loves and appreciates his wife, he will want what’s best for her and step in to shoulder the responsibilities along with her. Sometimes men do this, and the marriages work. But, the church, which is run by men, emphasizes the submissive role of women, and men tend to hear what they want to hear anyway. And although less frequent, I do know that marriages seldom work if the wife expects the husband to be subservient to her. I know very well what scripture teaches about the roles of husband and wife, and I understand that your position is based on on sola scriptura for the model of marriage given to us by God. However, in the long run, the church doesn’t do men any favor by teaching them to make their wives submit to their will. And, until the church truly values women, and teaches men to do so, the divorce rate will remain high and people will continue to leave the church.

  7. None of this is substantiated, and even among an isolated sentiments expressed by certain ELEMENTS of the red-pill population, they would NOT be embraced by TRULY devout heirs and joint-heirs in Christ.

    There are truths to this life, and the red pill is a tool that is helping men, saved and unsaved, remove the veil from their eyes; the veil put there directly under the influence of hasatan the devourer and those who who collaborate with him in any and all principalities, powers and high and low places where darkness reigns.

    Insanitybytes appears to take issue with men refusing to be fools.

  8. @Karen Brown, perhaps you might consider breaking up your thoughts into paragraphs.

    It was TL:DR..

    What I did glean, while is in the realm of possibility, might be filled with outliers…

    However, one thing you stated was patently false…submission doesn’t mean submit the WILL of another human being, it means that you submit to the DISCRETION of another.

    A loving and righteous husband does NOTHING in a vacuum. He does it prayerfully, with the help of the Holy Spirit, with the counsel of the wise (as we are COMMANDED to do), of whom his HELP-MEET is surely part of the counsel.

    Once all is taken into advisement, the Husband makes the decision.

    See?

  9. “Insanitybytes appears to take issue with men refusing to be fools.”

    No. I love men who refuse to be fools.

    “…they would NOT be embraced by TRULY devout heirs and joint-heirs in Christ…”

    Amen! And yet they are. In the blink of an eye, red pill ideology begins to replace scripture and pride begins to take precedent over virtue.

    Pour your hatred out over them? Throw acid in their faces? Bury them in a shallow grave somewhere? Oh yes, I understand the so called anger phase and sexual rage, but many red pills do not and the unwillingness to call out your own brothers when they speak such things, IS where darkness reigns.

  10. BGR, check the SPAM filter on your site..I think Akismet has me stuck there, or either I’m in your mods…

    Thanks!

  11. Yes, but far too often, husbands do make decisions in a vacuum.

    Young wives tend to support their husbands and become good homemakers. The change comes (too frequently to be outliers) when babies are born and the family starts to grow. Men are seldom counseled to help with the increasing responsibilities of housework and child rearing. Sunday School and men’s Bible study don’t cover it, and few men have fathers who were good role models for helping with “women’s work.” It’s easy for men to find a blog that encourages wives to be submissive. The don’t look any further.

    One telling point – Who gets the family out the door for church every Sunday morning? We all know the husband/father should be the leader in spiritual matters, but the truth is that most families wouldn’t make it to church if not for the wife/mother. Among couples who divorce, ex-wives tend to continue attending church (and take the children); ex-husbands tend to stop attending church.

    If most husbands were loving and righteous, if they prayed and sought the help of the Holy Spirit, we would not have a divorce crisis in this country. And, we would have more families joining the church than leaving the church.

    The problem of strong-willed wives who fail to submit to their husbands is miniscule compared to the problem of husbands who don’t really care about, and don’t even really know, their wives. Submissive wives don’t complain, and self-satisfied husbands don’t seek spiritual counsel – until something breaks. And then, it’s usually too late to fix.

  12. I don’t understand why you keep being put in spam Pedat… We were out all day today, and I’ve only seen this one (today, you had 2 I think in spam yesterday). Did you have other comments that still aren’t showing? If so, not sure where they’re ending up, because there aren’t anymore in my spam. (??)

  13. “Men are seldom counseled to help with the increasing responsibilities of housework and child rearing. ”

    You couldn’t be further from the truth here. Men everywhere are embracing fatherhood, almost to the point of emasculation. Almost all dads of our age (Gen X and Gen Y) are feminized or completely controlled by their wife’s inclinations on choreplay/mommyporn (which features a man carrying a baby in a babycarrier on his chest and vacuuming at the same time).

    It’s great that men are being good fathers, but it is exactly opposite of what you’re trying to falsely claim.

  14. “Among couples who divorce, ex-wives tend to continue attending church (and take the children); ex-husbands tend to stop attending church. ”

    Now that is just nasty. Did you know that over 70% of divorces are filed by the WIFE? So that church-going woman that is divorced, statistically speaking, was the one who WANTED the divorce. >70%…. let that sink in

    And why would those ex-wives continue to attend church and take their kids? LOL… well because in the church these days, it is often embraced that she was *right* to divorce her husband, she is praised for not putting up with his porn habit (that he only has because she doesn’t care about meeting his sexual needs), or his “sex addiction” (aka, him telling her he needed it more than once a month).

    And why she still takes the kids? Are you really asking this (are you really that ignorant)?

    She has custody (80% of women are given custody), she’s stolen his children from him by initiating a sinful divorce based statistically on “irreconcilable differences” (aka I don’t want to be kind or loving to respectful to my husband… and I’d rather die than have sex with him). All the stats prove you’re wrong. And yet you come to my blog to shame men, Christian men at that, for what feminism has given women the right to do to them.

  15. @Dragonfly..

    Thank you dear. I have no idea what’s been going on. I got in touch with Akismet to investigate.

    Apparently I’m in Spam at Biblicalgenderroles, Dalrock, Rollo, CaneCaldo, Insanitybytes…pretty much all my favorite Blogs have me in SPAM, and I’m actually more of a lurker than a poster, and I try to keep it clean and concise when I do post…so I’m clueless..

  16. The problem I’ve seen, over and over, is the wife who, in the beginning of the marriage, is willing and happy to do things like “help him get ready for work, make him his lunch so that getting out the door is easier, . . . willingly packing his lunch, filling up his water bottle, and ensuring she gets everything ready before he needs to head out the door. Honoring him cheerfully, giving lovingly.” After helping her husband, the young wife feeds the baby, gets herself ready to go to work, eats breakfast on her feet while she gets the baby ready to go to the sitter, and finally leaves the house in a rush with the baby, diaper bag, and her brief case. This goes on for years and becomes the pattern of the marriage. It’s nice to think that the husband will eventually reciprocate, but unfortunately, the church fosters a sense of entitlement for men.

    Oh no she didn’t.  LOL

    When was this sense of entitlement fostered.. back in the 1940’s and 50’s?

    Women play the submissive role early in the marriage (trying to be the godly wife), and by the time the wife becomes overwhelmed, the husband doesn’t understand what’s gone wrong.

    Overwhelmed with what?

    Then again, nevermind…this sounds awfully personal.  Not that there is anything wrong with that because my personal biases play into how I convey things as well, but what you purport is likely isolated, not only to your sphere of influence, but perhaps even another time and place altogether.

    The church speaks loudly about the wife being subservient to the husband, but only pays lip service to the concept of the husband respecting and honoring (much less getting to know) the wife.

    It does??

    Nevermind.

  17. You are an embarrassment to women. I pray (and not to your idea of God) that you will wake up, grow a brain and get some self respect. Absolutely disgusting filth you are advocating. And dangerous too.

  18. “Men are seldom counseled to help with the increasing responsibilities of housework ”

    Women are privledged in not having to roof the house (hornets & wasps), crawl under the car and fix it, unplug toilets, work mandatory overtime, mow the lawn and yard work, repair fawcetts. All my married buddies do this. When wifey orders them to take out the garbage or change the diapers, they should tell the truth:

    I’m sorry. I’m the yard slave not the house slave.

    Check your facts and not your privilege. Oh yeah. You women get to vote but you don’t have to fight the wars those votes create through electing feckless politicians. I think it’s high time you all ge drafted and sentvto the front line.

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