I write to women on this topic because we are the ones who so often are the “gate-keepers” when it comes to sex. A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life. But what exactly does a “healthy sex life” mean? How do we know if ours is healthy? This is not meant to be a comparison article of who does what or how often, but more focused on the point of how we can be sure that we are having the best sex in our marriage. And since this is written to wives, I want to know… are your husbands sexually satisfied?
It’s a loaded question, one that I wonder if many women dare to even ask their husbands, and one that entitled, spoiled women will never have the gall to ask their husbands.
We have an obligation, a responsibility if you will, as the “gate keepers,” to make sure our husbands are sexually satisfied, and take responsibility for our own sexuality to make sure that we are, as well. A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life. And a healthy sex life requires a great amount of honest and open communication.
A blogger I truly admire, Dan, at Frankly Speaking, has allowed me to present to you his work & thoughts on why and how we should feel concerned with this topic if we truly value our marriage and our spouse. He has written an entire series on why “Duty Sex” (mediocre sex that is given just for the purpose of checking off that box) isn’t truly satisfying, and leaves us and our husbands desiring more fulfillment. He also has compiled a list of some great candid questions that a wife (or husband) can ask in order to really make sure our husbands are sexually satisfied.
My husband and I took time out last night after he got home from his work to go through Dan’s questions, most of whom we already knew the answers to… needless to say, it led to a steamy ending. 😉 Read Dan’s piece & try these with your husband, really seek to understand (without judgment if you don’t like his honest answers), in order to make an effort towards the best sex in your marriage.
Dan from Frankly Speaking:
“Is your husband satisfied with the short menu (your current routine or sex life)? If so, how do you know? Do you really know, or is it something you are assuming because of his behavior (the fact that he still wants sex regardless), or the fact that he has not said anything different to you?
If you have never really established a pattern or method for dialog about sex, how reasonable is it to expect he WOULD say anything if unhappy.
Here is my man perspective on this. A husband is currently getting sex from his wife. How much or what kind is not the point. Getting sex is the point. He knows his wife and he never really talk about sex, and he also (more than likely) believes his wife is reserved sexually. Talking about sex will be difficult. If he tells her he is…which bomb word do I insert here?…bored, unhappy, unexcited, not all that interested, wanting more; you take your pick, he foresees her feelings being hurt and her going into a depression and that means NO SEX.
He would like to speak up, but he doesn’t want what he may see as the bedroom privileges he does enjoy revoked, even though married sex is not to be seen as a privilege to be awarded by either party to the other.
If you have not yet established a sex talk pattern the two of you are comfortable with, what he sees happening with bringing this up is sexual Russian roulette, and the gun is pointing at him with bullets in all chambers of the cylinder. It looks Lose/Lose to him.
So, again I ask, how you can be so sure you are right? How do you know he is happy with the short menu?
Does he like oral sex? How many times a week would he like it?
Does he like the sex you have? How many times a week would he like it?
Does he like it when you masturbate him?
Does he like watching you masturbate?
What is his favorite sexual activity?
What does he like about your body; your breasts, your vulva?
What pet name does he have for your vulva and breasts?
Does he like the smell and taste of your body of your body where ever he places his face?
What is his favorite sexual memory of you?
Which are his favorite panties and why?
Does he like stockings?
What is his favorite place to rest his hand on your body?
How many of those answers do you know?
You should know them all, and he should know them about you if you have been married over 3 to 5 years.
This is the place to start when seeking contentment in your sex life. What are the two of you currently happy with and excited by. You both need to begin by knowing you have sexual value to one another. First count your blessings. Then when you are ready to talk change, you are starting from a place of seeking to give greater pleasure to one another and not just seeming to want to improve you own sexual lot.
Pray for guidance and wisdom. This community (Dan’s blog) can can offer our advice and opinions based on our own trials and experience, but we do not know your hearts as God does. When you have prayed, listen for the knowledge God has concerning your hearts. That may be where the change begins, and not in the bedroom, but that change in heart will encourage change the bedroom.”
Book recommendations from Dan:
As you are married for longer amounts of time, Dan mentions that you may have to go back through a set of questions like these – rediscover each other’s needs and wants – since over time and through familiarity, they may have changed. The goal is for total communication and being on the same page when it comes to sex in marriage.
You want to be having the best sex possible in your marriage right?
Go for it!