Is He Really Sexually Satisfied?

I write to women on this topic because we are the ones who so often are the “gate-keepers” when it comes to sex.  A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life.  But what exactly does a “healthy sex life” mean?  How do we know if ours is healthy?  This is not meant to be a comparison article of who does what or how often, but more focused on the point of how we can be sure that we are having the best sex in our marriage.  And since this is written to wives, I want to know… are your husbands sexually satisfied?

It’s a loaded question, one that I wonder if many women dare to even ask their husbands, and one that entitled, spoiled women will never have the gall to ask their husbands.

We have an obligation, a responsibility if you will, as the “gate keepers,” to make sure our husbands are sexually satisfied, and take responsibility for our own sexuality to make sure that we are, as well.  A healthy marriage has a healthy sex life.  And a healthy sex life requires a great amount of honest and open communication.

A blogger I truly admire, Dan, at Frankly Speaking, has allowed me to present to you his work & thoughts on why and how we should feel concerned with this topic if we truly value our marriage and our spouse.  He has written an entire series on why “Duty Sex” (mediocre sex that is given just for the purpose of checking off that box) isn’t truly satisfying, and leaves us and our husbands desiring more fulfillment.  He also has compiled a list of some great candid questions that a wife (or husband) can ask in order to really make sure our husbands are sexually satisfied.

My husband and I took time out last night after he got home from his work to go through Dan’s questions, most of whom we already knew the answers to… needless to say, it led to a steamy ending.  😉  Read Dan’s piece & try these with your husband, really seek to understand (without judgment if you don’t like his honest answers), in order to make an effort towards the best sex in your marriage.

Dan from Frankly Speaking:

“Is your husband satisfied with the short menu (your current routine or sex life)? If so, how do you know? Do you really know, or is it something you are assuming because of his behavior (the fact that he still wants sex regardless), or the fact that he has not said anything different to you?

If you have never really established a pattern or method for dialog about sex, how reasonable is it to expect he WOULD say anything if unhappy.

Here is my man perspective on this. A husband is currently getting sex from his wife. How much or what kind is not the point. Getting sex is the point. He knows his wife and he never really talk about sex, and he also (more than likely) believes his wife is reserved sexually. Talking about sex will be difficult. If he tells her he is…which bomb word do I insert here?…bored, unhappy, unexcited, not all that interested, wanting more; you take your pick, he foresees her feelings being hurt and her going into a depression and that means NO SEX.

He would like to speak up, but he doesn’t want what he may see as the bedroom privileges he does enjoy revoked, even though married sex is not to be seen as a privilege to be awarded by either party to the other.

If you have not yet established a sex talk pattern the two of you are comfortable with, what he sees happening with bringing this up is sexual Russian roulette, and the gun is pointing at him with bullets in all chambers of the cylinder. It looks Lose/Lose to him.

So, again I ask, how you can be so sure you are right? How do you know he is happy with the short menu?

Does he like oral sex? How many times a week would he like it?

Does he like the sex you have? How many times a week would he like it?

Does he like it when you masturbate him?

Does he like watching you masturbate?

What is his favorite sexual activity?

What does he like about your body; your breasts, your vulva?

What pet name does he have for your vulva and breasts?

Does he like the smell and taste of your body of your body where ever he places his face?

What is his favorite sexual memory of you?

Which are his favorite panties and why?

Does he like stockings?

What is his favorite place to rest his hand on your body?

How many of those answers do you know?

You should know them all, and he should know them about you if you have been married over 3 to 5 years.

This is the place to start when seeking contentment in your sex life. What are the two of you currently happy with and excited by. You both need to begin by knowing you have sexual value to one another. First count your blessings. Then when you are ready to talk change, you are starting from a place of seeking to give greater pleasure to one another and not just seeming to want to improve you own sexual lot.

Pray for guidance and wisdom. This community (Dan’s blog) can can offer our advice and opinions based on our own trials and experience, but we do not know your hearts as God does. When you have prayed, listen for the knowledge God has concerning your hearts. That may be where the change begins, and not in the bedroom, but that change in heart will encourage change the bedroom.”

Book recommendations from Dan:

book1

book2

As you are married for longer amounts of time, Dan mentions that you may have to go back through a set of questions like these – rediscover each other’s needs and wants – since over time and through familiarity, they may have changed.  The goal is for total communication and being on the same page when it comes to sex in marriage.

You want to be having the best sex possible in your marriage right?

Go for it!

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35 thoughts on “Is He Really Sexually Satisfied?

  1. Thank you for the link back to this post and the blog, Dragonfly. A healthy sex life is indeed integral to a happy marriage. Healthy does not necessarily mean a lot of sex, or sex just the way you want it, however vanilla or kinky, However, it does mean you and your partner agreeing on what you do, when you do it, how often you do it and it being done in a way that is fulfilling to both of you as often as is possible. Each partner will have both common and differing preferences and how they meld them together will determine how healthy their sexual sharing will be and their marriage. That is healthy sex and will vary with each couple so YMMV. 🙂

  2. Passionate Marriage is among the most important books I’ve ever read. His insights on the links between intimacy and emotional integrity were very helpful. But more importantly, he helped me understand that (a) conflict in a committed relationship is inevitable, and (b) that conflict is perfectly designed to force two grown-ups into higher levels of adulthood. Once I embraced my own character issues, I was able to see my wife as a human being struggling with her own, and I gained a new level of compassion for her. With that, we were able to quick walking away from each other, and start walking in a new direction together, toward our 25th anniversary this summer. I credit Schnarch (and lots of prayer) with saving my marriage.

  3. Pingback: Creme de la Creme | Girls Being Girls

  4. “conflict in a committed relationship is inevitable”

    While its common, its not inevitable.

  5. Sure. Its not inevitable that every committed relationship experience conflict. Why would it be?

  6. That may be your opinion/experience, but the inevitability of conflict in marriage is what Schnarch calls “the marriage cruicible.” It’s a substantial part of his book. And my experience in 25 years of marriage as well. Glad to hear that’s not the case for you….

  7. To me it doesn’t make sense… any person in a marriage has most definitely experienced some kind of conflict – it doesn’t have to be major per se, but I’m almost certain it occurs in every marriage to some degree. Two people coming together, trying to build a life together when they’ve come from different backgrounds, genes, histories, personalities, etc. is a recipe for *some* conflict. And I agree with your original comment HD, that conflict helps couples mature into adults!!! Life itself is about solving problems (getting through conflict), and a big part of that is accepting that there IS going to be conflict in life, and that alone makes life a little easier to handle.

  8. Indeed. His thinking is revolutionary in that marriage counseling almost always centeres around removing conflict. His take is that in a committed relationship, conflict is the vehicle…the laboratory…the crucible…in which a relationship is refined and radically improved. My wife and I started seeing conflict as something helpful, as something drawing our attention to an area needing some personal growth,. Conflict never disappears because you never stop growing. But we do recognize it quicker and spend less time there. 🙂

  9. I agree that in marriage a healthy sex life is very important, but I think a wife should also be satisfied and agree to what will please her husband. I know you did not say that the wife’s satisfaction is unimportant, and I am not trying to imply that either, but I don’t think it is just a wife’s rsesponsablitly to see to her own satisfaction. I feel that you emphasis the role of a wife ensuring her husband’s satisfaction without putting the same emphasis on the of a husband ensuring his wife’s satisfaction. I think that a healthy marriage consists of both parties being satisfied with their existing sex life or working on improving it together.
    I also think some of the questions Dan posed might need to change the longer you are married. If a couple has children it will affect a women’s breasts, as will time and gravity, as well as the husband’s and wife’s sexual organs. A woman can only do so much when it comes to natural changes that come from both time and, if they are so blessed, pregnancy and childbirth. Also a man can only do so much if medically something changes for him over the years.
    Do you also think as time goes on that the discussion may/should change in respect to the questions listed?

  10. Hey Modernday Princess Warrior, I understand I think where you got that feeling that it is solely for the wife to ask the husband, this was from a comment I found on Dan’s blog where he was instructing a wife (who was the unhappy one in the relationship – that is to say, she was unhappy with their sex life) and Dan posed some questions that she and her husband should know the answers to for each other. His basis was that the person who is unhappy enough to complain about it or to come to him with questions, is the person with the power to change it.

    Often a wife expects her husband to know exactly how to please her sexually, without ever giving him much feedback to go on, that’s what I meant that she should take responsibility for being satisfied with their sex life. If she try to help her husband understand if need be, then how can it ever change if he doesn’t know?

    And yes, I did say that they would need to go back through the questions later in marriage – but no, I don’t think the questions would necessarily have to change just because they got older. I’m not sure what you meant by: “A woman can only do so much when it comes to natural changes that come from both time and, if they are so blessed, pregnancy and childbirth.” What natural changes do you mean if I may ask? I do think different questions of course could always be included, I’m just not sure why any of them should change just because of time going by?

  11. Dragonfly, I wasn’t saying that you didn’t address the fact that both parties need to know the answers to the questions and both parties should work on mutually satisfaction. I felt that there was less emphasis on the husband to address the same things. I’m sorry if I failed to state that clearly.
    I also agree you said the questions should be revisited, but some of the questions are asking about the wife’s body, and assume the husbands body as well, but breasts change over time naturally and pregnancy(ies), breast feeding (if done) and gravity affect a woman’s breasts, her vagina, and possibly vulva. A man with time may experience various sexual disfunction disorders as a result of a medical situation like ED or even medication causing him to lose his sex drive. I have to go for now and can elaborate later. I think some of the questions should change since physical things may occur that neither party is excited about, but is natural. I apologize for cutting this short and will try to reply fully to your response.
    I hope and pray all is well with you and your family.

  12. Yes, I understand… I was writing to the wife here though, I feel out of place giving instruction to men (about their wives sexuality) since I’m a woman, I touched on it a little hinting they can ask the same reverse questions, but I don’t feel like writing a whole post asking husbands Is She Really Sexually Satisfied? It’d be a fellow man’s job in my opinion.

    Dan is amazing, he actually does do this! You should check out his blog, comment there, he is always up for questions and is a genuinely wonderful human being.

  13. I’m sorry I was not attempting to have you write a blog about “Is She Really Sexually Satisfied,” I was saying it was less emphasized for the husband. I will check out Dan’s Blog as suggested.
    And I am guessing you understood what I meant about revising the questions, or perhaps I miss the implication that since aging is natural and to be expected that it will not diminish how the wife or husband views their partner. I also know that women and men can take measures to reduce the impact aging has on the body and some people are genetically gifted with aging more gracefully that others.
    I have read some of your other posts where you have mentioned both parties doing the best they can to stay healthy and in shape, which would reduce or postpone some of the changes.
    Thank you again for the blog recommendation.

  14. Yes, I’ve read (I don’t have any experience really though) that husbands generally still absolutely love their wife’s body as it ages… there’s a phenomenon called “wife goggles” where they see her through a better lens than another man (unattached and not in love with her) would see her. It’s actually been proven with at least one study (though I’m not sure how accredited it was), they proved that husbands rated their wives much higher than other men did on an attractiveness scale (and this was for aging couples). I get it, stretch marks, sagging breasts and such… you’d think it’d diminish the desire for a husband, but men love generally much deeper than that. Its really sweet.

  15. I agree with you on that fact, that husbands and wives in a good relationship would not see them as less as they age. I have known may elderly couples that are as in love with each other at 50th anniversaries, as well as women at earlier stages of aging. The true intimacy that a couple has transcends beyond physical intimacy as you have already said.

  16. Growth creates conflict. If there is growth in a relationship, there will be conflict. One partner will want to grow while the other will not, or they may grow in opposite directions. This will create stress resulting in conflict. After years of both liking Chinese food, one gets tired of eating it and wants Greek. The other partner really hates Greek. Now, when they go out to eat, the conversation begins with “conflict” over not Chinese and not Greek, each a favorite of the other. Conflict does not necessarily men knock-down drag outs resulting in divorce. Conflict can simply be a difference of opinion. Because vital entities grow and change. “conflict” is indeed inevitable and can be healthy between mature partners.

    If there is no growth, the relationship will stagnate and the stagnation will ultimately result in conflict. The human animal does not tolerate boredom and dissatisfaction well. Being in a rut creates conflict with the desire to live a fulfilling, or at least entertaining life.

    Perhaps the problem is you are limiting your definition of the word “conflict” to something more extreme than:
    2
    a : competitive or opposing action of incompatibles : antagonistic state or action (as of divergent ideas, interests, or persons)
    b : mental struggle resulting from incompatible or opposing needs, drives, wishes, or external or internal demands

    Synonyms
    discord, disaccord, discordance, discordancy, disharmony, dissension (also dissention), dissent, dissidence, dissonance, disunion, disunity, division, friction, inharmony, schism, strife, variance,

    http://www.merriam-webster.com

  17. moderndaywarriorprincess I find that “western civilization” places way too much importance on sex in a marriage. Its one of the important things when a couple is young, but not THE most important thing.

    The west lacks family values and feeling so they try to make up for that with sex, sex, sex.

  18. moderndaywarriorprincess, I wrote in my reply to you that “western civilization” is obsessed with sex because they lack higher values and are trying to fill that void. The root of it is their obsession with the body, youth, looks and satisfying their senses to no end.

  19. Mad Yale Grad, I don’t think that “western civilization” is influencing my opinion that sex is an important part of marriage. Sex is not what marriage is based on, nor should it be the most important thing in the marital relationship.

    Marriage is about respect, love, compromise, shared beliefs and goals. It also needs intimacy, sex is one form of intimacy in a marriage and is important that both the husband and wife are satisfied with the frequency, type and many other factors of their sex life. Sex is simply an important part of a healthy marriage.

    There are other forms of intimacy, and other important factors in marriage, this includes simple things like being able to share your thoughts and feelings with your spouse. There is being open to with one another, honesty, emotional intimacy, and Religious/Faith beliefs, etc. There are so many more important things in marriage between a husband and wife I cannot list all of them right now.

    Sex alone does not make a marriage work and should not be “THE most important thing,” in a marriage. If sex ever became the most important thing then that couple needs to see a counselor, from their church/Faith and/or a secular office, to figure out what is going on in their relationship that has made one factor be so important without all the other kinds.

    What makes you think that the “Western Civilization” is causing such things and what “civilization” or way of thinking should be used to find what is or should be used to determine what is important in the marital relationship between a husband and a wife?

  20. “What makes you think that the “Western Civilization” is causing such things”

    Its materialistic, therefore.

    “and what “civilization” or way of thinking should be used to find what is or should be used to determine what is important in the marital relationship between a husband and a wife?”

    Yogic values can help.

  21. Mad Yale Grad, while sex is not the most important part of marrige, it is important for intimacy. I agree many relationships in all cultures are focused too much on one aspect or another in a less serious relationship or more importantly marriage. I also want to point out that this post is about one aspect of marriage.
    You brought up other values that are also important and it all stems from love and intimacy that a married couples experience in all of it’s forms. I ask what other culture we should look too?

    This post is about a Christian Marriage, if have read other posts by this author you would know that this is where her point of view comes from. Christianity focuses on many things in marriage that endure. Love, teaching family values and instilling them in their children. I suggest you read more from this author. I also suggest you look at what the Bible teaches for a correct Biblical marriage and values that each person should have that lead to a good, happy, healthy marriage.

    I look forward to any further discussion with you on this subject of the post or how a healthy intimate relationship that is required for a healthy marriage and is only one part of a marriage and raising a healthy family.

  22. Hi moderndaywarriorprincess! I actually answered your questions above earlier today but I guess you didn’t see it.

    Mad Yale Grad
    March 28, 2015 at 5:59 pm

    “What makes you think that the “Western Civilization” is causing such things”

    Its materialistic, therefore.

    “and what “civilization” or way of thinking should be used to find what is or should be used to determine what is important in the marital relationship between a husband and a wife?”

    Yogic values can help.
    __________________________________

    ” I ask what other culture we should look too?”

    I answered above. I would say look to classical Indo-Hindu culture where yogic values were, and still are, prioritized. I was blessed to have been born and raised in such an environment and my travels around the world have only made me so much more grateful for that great, divine gift. I do what I can to share that blessing with others and help them to get their priorities right.

    I’m not saying its the *only* culture that you, or we, can learn from, but it might be the most detailed in terms of values and benefits.

  23. I have to say, I do admire the Indo-Hindu culture. Some of the most interesting and wonderful people I’ve ever met, hands down, were people from that culture. ❤

  24. I once made the mistake of raising this topic with my wife. The immediate wrath visited upon me for daring to not see her as the sex goddess bestowing munificent favor beyond need caused me to never again broach the subject. I became resigned to never having good marital sex, and to never ask for more than is voluntarily granted. In fact, to never ask at all. I assumed that she’d let me know when she is interested. Instead, we just don’t have sex anymore – and we don’t fight as much anymore either. I’ll settle for the relative peace and frustration, for not to do so wrecks both my sleep and my hypertension.

  25. Aw Blurkel, welcome to my blog, I love reading your posts at Spawny’s. I’m so sorry it went so badly for you when you brought this subject up and that it’s a source of such pain in your household. I think for wives this topic has to be approached very delicately if the husband isn’t satisfied, but even then, sometimes we women overreact to criticism (even good criticism meant to help).

    That is not a good solution to “just not have sex anymore,” for a marriage, I’m so sorry Blurkel 😦 . Have you tried to talk with a pastor or a male friend about anything that could work to talk to her successfully about this? Larry from Biblical Gender Roles has a really good post about 8 responses to your wife’s sexual rejection that worked for him. A book that I thought was really good for this topic was His Needs Her Needs by Willard Harley… would she be willing to read about her own needs you think? Then maybe she’d be more open to acknowledging that you also have legitimate needs?

  26. Dragonfly,

    My wife and I counseled with Harley Sr. directly. His program is geared directly for women. It might not seem like it is, but when he couldn’t get my wife to confront her own lack of willingness to work on our marriage, and that she had done anything wrong he just told me to deal with it. He didn’t have the nerve to say when enough is enough with lack of sex. Divorce Busting is better IMO with the sex issue.

  27. Jeff,

    Years ago before I came to realization that making passion and romance the foundation for Christian marriage was false and an un-biblical I thought “His Needs Her Needs” was a good book.

    But upon re-reading it recently as I am re-reading many marriages books I have read over the last 20 years I realize that his book contains some of the same “feelings” based marriage false teachings that are found in almost every modern marriage book.

    As men we are may find solace in the fact he acknowledges a man’s sexual needs but when we he gets into a woman’s emotional needs this is when I believe he goes off track.

    He takes a typical approach to affection stating that “When it comes to sex and affection, you can’t have one without the other.” Basically confirming for women that is OK for them to feel “used” if there husband has not shown them what they consider to be the “proper” affection first.

    He also takes the typical attack on male sexuality that men are somehow wrong for engaging in sexual activity at every affectionate encounter they have with their wives as it makes them feel used.

    In fact in many ways some of his stories about women straying because some flattering guy at work made them feel better than their husband remind me of the “Fire Proof” movie totally overlooking the wife’s emotional infidelity and it was ok because of her not feeling emotionally connected to her husband.

    I am all for men “knowing” their wives as I written on my blog. Yes that means talking to them and spending time with them. I am all for men telling their wives that they love them on daily basis. But to expect anything else beyond these things as the foundation for a Christian marriage is blatantly false in my view. A Christian man should NOT need to be a “Casanova” with his wife in order for her to stay loyal to him and do her duties toward him that God has given her.

    I say all that to say it does not surprise me that he told you just needed to “deal with it” as he thinks emotions and a woman feeling worshiped by her husband are the foundations for sex in marriage. It does not shock me at all coming from a man who advocates for “sexless affection” in marriage.

    This is why I advocate for the revolutionary and I would argue Biblical concept that God designed marriage to based on commitment and duty. Emotional connection and affection can and should grow as a result of that commitment and duty of course.

    I see affection as “icing” on the cake while the cake itself is actually based in duties to one another. A husband had a duty to know his wife, talking to her and knowing her concerns and needs. He needs to show proper honor toward her. A wife needs to respect her husband and fully and freely giving her body to him.
    This are the “his needs and her needs” that truly need to be met.

  28. Jeff,

    I realized I got so caught up responding to the book “His Needs Her Needs” that was referenced that I did not respond to your core issue with your wife.

    As you know from my blog – I strongly believe that men should not sit back as helpless beings when their wives fail to fulfill their duties in marriage. There is such as thing as a husbands Biblical disciplining of his wife as I have laid out(not physical, but using other means).

    But the hard truth is that just as sometimes children and teenagers do not respond their parents attempts at discipline – so to sometimes wives do not repent and change their ways because of discipline.

    In fact some wives figure out how to “walk that line” and they even give their husbands sex – but their heart is not in it and their attitude is all wrong. But this way they can say “I don’t deny you”. While that is only half true – they don’t deny you their body, but they still deny you their heart.

    In this case if you have truly removed everything from her that you can(except for those things which are Biblically required) while at the same time operating in grace and mercy toward her(occasionally giving her things or doing things for that her actions do not merit) then as a husband you are doing all that God has called you to do and you must leave further discipline(which he may do) toward her to him.

    But in the mean time what do you as a man and a husband do with your unmet needs?

    In this case you need to channel that frustration into these three areas:

    1. If you don’t have them already – find hobbies and other things to do in your free time that will help to take you mind off your wife’s sinful neglect and stubbornness.

    2. Erotica – There is nothing wrong with you allowing yourself to engage in a little sexual imagination – while I know it will not replace what you really need from your wife it will help a bit if you let it. Just be sure to guard against obsession, addiction and lust as you use erotica in moderation.

    3. You still need to do your duties toward you wife – you can’t ignore her. That does not mean you have to spend all the time with her she wants – you can use your discretion as to how much time you spend but you still must talk with her and spend some time with her.

    4. You still need to have sex with your wife even though she may only be giving you “starfish” sex. I know firsthand as a husband who has experienced this myself that this is very hurtful to you. But you need to find a way to put those feelings of hurt in the back of your mind and simply concentrate on the physical side of sex(which you need and your wife needs whether she realizes it or not). I know it may feel strange and awkward – but it is better than not having sex at all – you may not feel like it is better than no sex – but it is. The most dangerous place you can allow your marriage to get to is when you completely stop having sex.

  29. My wife has never satisfied me, and never had any interest in doing so. I have been expected to wait until she let me know that she wanted some, and more often than not that option disappeared by the time the kids went to bed. I’ve written about this issue extensively at Spawny’s Space, so I won’t rehash it all here. Suffice it to say that waiting until one is married to have sex is a terrible idea on a relationship level. You aren’t going to know until it’s too late that you found an Arctic Starfish.

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