I’ve avoided writing about the
problem topic of the way my generation views casual sex for a long time now because the honesty of it is just so difficult. It’s time.
I’ve breached this topic before with single girls who were friends of mine in the past, and the painful truths I would try to share with them when I could tell they were being used or in a disadvantaged position, were usually so against what they wanted to hear from me (at that time in their lives), that it could turn a casual conversation into an emotional outburst of denial and anger. When you’re a mentor, the relationship is different, its easier to give out advice like this because you’re coming from a place of experience or at least, longer life observance – now that I’m close to 30, I feel a least a little bit more comfortable in laying out the truth about how men view women who engage in casual sex with them. There is no denying, this is still a difficult topic, even for someone like me who’s used to teaching and talking or writing about sex.
This is not coming from solely a religious ideology. I know many of you who follow my blog are not Christian and that is fine with me, I’m very glad & appreciative that you read what I write. I enjoy reading many of your blogs even if they don’t line up with my beliefs, it’s very nice to see what other human beings on our planet think, and it’s beautiful to connect in this way.
So this isn’t from a Christian standpoint (even though I could write a long post in that form), and this isn’t coming from a place of me wanting to judge you for your past or present. This is me wanting to impart what I think is some useful knowledge that isn’t widely talked about in our hook-up culture today – the downsides of women wasting their 20’s in casual sex with multiple partners (or a kind of serial monogamy).
I used to hear from my own mother all the time growing up, that there was just nothing in it for women to be promiscuous. We had a cousin (now married and well into her 40’s – and happy thankfully), admit that she had literally wasted her entire DECADE of her 20’s. Her back story was that she lived with a man from her early 20’s and on, who didn’t ever commit to her. He (like any man will do, sometimes even if they have morals) used her for easy, reliable sex for all those years. It’s tempting for women to just “blame men” here, but the reality and simple truth of the matter is that men don’t view sex the same way as women do, and they will use a woman if she (doesn’t value herself and her precious sexuality enough and) lets them. Men can often have casual sex and have little to no detrimental affect on their emotions (although I could probably make a good case that it does affect them more than they’d like to think). They view it as a simple: let’s both engage in this, its consensual, everything’s fine, nobody’s getting hurt kind of thinking. Women have a much harder time viewing casual sex and hooking up (or living together without marriage even), as being unemotional, therefore, psychologically, if they continue in a pattern of sexual relationship after relationship, or living together on and off with a man who shows them repeatedly he doesn’t value their sexuality enough to make it his, and his alone, she is more often going to have emotional wounding than a man is.
Did my cousin and her playboy have several nasty (or boring) breakups during that time? Yes, and she took the most emotional toll of it. Did they still somehow get back together and continue having a sexual relationship – all the time. Sometimes women will cling to the idea that “well, he still wants me (sexually), so he must still be in love with me.” It wasn’t until she “woke up” and realized the self destructive things she was doing to herself that she finally stopped allowing men to use her (and waste her youth).
The problem, and as painful as it was even to us to admit it then, was that this woman wasted her most beautiful years, when her face was at it’s peak of beauty, and her body at its hottest and finest, on this man, who simply didn’t give her enough value to commit to her. Instead of seeking marriage and commitment from someone else, she settled for wasting her youth and beauty on a bum who was fine with using her… for a decade. And this is what feminism means by women having empowerment by being sexually promiscuous if they so desire. How empowering.
This is a painful post, but we must move on into even uglier and darker truths. Next up: So what do men really think of you when you give them easy access and hookups throughout your 20’s? We’ve already established that men have no problem using women, if a woman puts herself in a position where she allows herself to be used for easy, reliable sex, he will usually always take advantage of it. But what does he really think about her? What is it that he’s not telling her? Since I have my husband’s experiences and other men who I’ve read their accounts of when they used women (who were in their early 20’s), their line of thought can fall into two categories. The first being that they just don’t think much about it, they truly are viewing it from a “nobody gets hurt & we both like it” kind of view. The man is fine using her body for a hookup or casual or reliable booty-calls, but he thinks she is equally fine with the same, feminism tries to assure men that all women are – that they can mess around just like men can. Some very few women really might be, but unfortunately, the women & friends I’ve seen do this are either hoping for a relationship with this man, in a stagnant unhappy relationship, or using the continued sex in order to cling to the remains of an ending relationship. The second way men tend to view women who are promiscuous in the 20’s is from a purely advantageous viewpoint. They know what these women are doing, and they are going to capitalize on it by screwing (using) as many of them as they possibly can. They understand that they won’t want to marry one of these women, because their inner dialogue is saying that by the time this woman is ready to settle down (late 20’s or even into her 30’s), she will have had so many sexual partners, be so used up and washed out, having given her best self (sexually & beauty) to other men, why would he want her left overs? They view these women (after the fact – after they’ve used them) as having emotional baggage from all those serial monogamy relationships or hookups, and they don’t want to start out life with a woman who’s self-destructed in this way. It’s a purely yucky, ugly truth that some men (maybe very few men) are very much in touch with when they start actively looking for someone to marry. They aren’t going to tell women all of this (unless you’re lucky to have an honest brother), but they talk about it with other men (I’ve actually overheard these conversations – and it always makes me sad).
The problem (even with long term relationships that are sexual without marriage) is that without commitment. men can grow tired of having you for free all the time and start to wonder (very explicitly) what it would be like to have sex with other women, even if your relationship is going great. Men are wired to want something different, it is just the way their brains and visual sexuality work. This is why, for married women, sexual variety is key to keeping the passion alive in your marriage. You can’t be a different person, obviously, but you can wear lingerie, have sex at different times of the day, in different lighting (daylight or candlelight), wear your hair different ways, and have exciting sex in multiple positions rather than just always reverting to missionary. When you’re married, the emotional dynamics also change for the couple, and both partners are usually (if its a healthy marriage) extremely motivated to bond deeper and longer-lasting, in effort to avoid a costly and emotionally devastating divorce. In hookup culture, even the best longterm relationships don’t have the same incentive as a marriage does in “making it last” or work.
Men are drawn like flies to sweet honey, to women who radiate innocence and youthful beauty. The problem of wasting your 20’s in casual sex and hookups (or longterm boyfriends who aren’t valuing you enough to commit), is that as a woman lives her life in this way, she loses her vibe of innocence and youthful beauty like slow leak in a tire. Men can see it. I’ve heard men comment on it when talking about a girl they know 😦 Jadedness, even just a hint of becoming bitter with men (especially after having some truly bitter encounters where she realizes she was used), take over her aura. Women should be emitting an aura of joyfulness, sweetness, girlish playfulness… these very things that men love most in women (the things that captivate them about you) are destroyed when a woman has sex with multiple partners. Again, is wasting your 20’s in this way worth all this?
My mother, who i seriously owe so much knowledge about men to it’s ridiculous, once explained to me that the way prostitutes were able to do what they do is by shutting down the part of them that bonds emotionally to men when they have sex. It’s by default, as a sort of emotional guarding or protection of their inner self, but that they pay a price for this by becoming “hard.” She explained to me that the last thing a man wants in a long-term girlfriend or wife is a woman who has traded her girlishness for the hardness that comes from too many sexual encounters. It is the scent of bitterness or emotional baggage that men look for and deliberately avoid when choosing who to marry.
And the last ugly truth reason (phew, we’re almost done!): It starts to take a toll on your looks – I’ve read hundreds of comments where men who were talking about women they’ve seen after years of her being promiscuous, note to the other men how much she had aged in only 1…2… or 3 years after they’d had their turn with her – the woman was usually always still in her 20’s, but the casual sex and hookups had already aged her past other girls who hold out for committed men, ultimately making her less attractive to the men who used her in the past! Again, women reading this: please hear me when I say, there is nothing in it for you to self destruct in this way.
This undeniably puts a single girl at a disadvantage when looking for a future marriage partner. Please, don’t do this to yourself, and if you find yourself in this position right now, stop & take a break from relationships for awhile. Take some time to really understand what it is you want out of life.
Take a new direction, be kind and loving to yourself, and start really valuing your body and sexuality