Single Women – Don’t Waste Your 20’s in Casual Sex & Hookups

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I’ve avoided writing about the problem topic of the way my generation views casual sex for a long time now because the honesty of it is just so difficult.  It’s time.

I’ve breached this topic before with single girls who were friends of mine in the past, and the painful truths I would try to share with them when I could tell they were being used or in a disadvantaged position, were usually so against what they wanted to hear from me (at that time in their lives), that it could turn a casual conversation into an emotional outburst of denial and anger.  When you’re a mentor, the relationship is different, its easier to give out advice like this because you’re coming from a place of experience or at least, longer life observance – now that I’m close to 30, I feel a least a little bit more comfortable in laying out the truth about how men view women who engage in casual sex with them.  There is no denying, this is still a difficult topic, even for someone like me who’s used to teaching and talking or writing about sex.

This is not coming from solely a religious ideology.  I know many of you who follow my blog are not Christian and that is fine with me, I’m very glad & appreciative that you read what I write.  I enjoy reading many of your blogs even if they don’t line up with my beliefs, it’s very nice to see what other human beings on our planet think, and it’s beautiful to connect in this way.

So this isn’t from a Christian standpoint (even though I could write a long post in that form), and this isn’t coming from a place of me wanting to judge you for your past or present. This is me wanting to impart what I think is some useful knowledge that isn’t widely talked about in our hook-up culture today – the downsides of women wasting their 20’s in casual sex with multiple partners (or a kind of serial monogamy).

I used to hear from my own mother all the time growing up, that there was just nothing in it for women to be promiscuous. We had a cousin (now married and well into her 40’s – and happy thankfully), admit that she had literally wasted her entire DECADE of her 20’s.  Her back story was that she lived with a man from her early 20’s and on, who didn’t ever commit to her.  He (like any man will do, sometimes even if they have morals) used her for easy, reliable sex for all those years.  It’s tempting for women to just “blame men” here, but the reality and simple truth of the matter is that men don’t view sex the same way as women do, and they will use a woman if she (doesn’t value herself and her precious sexuality enough and) lets them.  Men can often have casual sex and have little to no detrimental affect on their emotions (although I could probably make a good case that it does affect them more than they’d like to think).  They view it as a simple: let’s both engage in this, its consensual, everything’s fine, nobody’s getting hurt kind of thinking.  Women have a much harder time viewing casual sex and hooking up (or living together without marriage even), as being unemotional, therefore, psychologically, if they continue in a pattern of sexual relationship after relationship, or living together on and off with a man who shows them repeatedly he doesn’t value their sexuality enough to make it his, and his alone, she is more often going to have emotional wounding than a man is.

Did my cousin and her playboy have several nasty (or boring) breakups during that time?  Yes, and she took the most emotional toll of it.  Did they still somehow get back together and continue having a sexual relationship – all the time.  Sometimes women will cling to the idea that “well, he still wants me (sexually), so he must still be in love with me.”  It wasn’t until she “woke up” and realized the self destructive things she was doing to herself that she finally stopped allowing men to use her (and waste her youth).

The problem, and as painful as it was even to us to admit it then, was that this woman wasted her most beautiful years, when her face was at it’s peak of beauty, and her body at its hottest and finest, on this man, who simply didn’t give her enough value to commit to her.  Instead of seeking marriage and commitment from someone else, she settled for wasting her youth and beauty on a bum who was fine with using her… for a decade.  And this is what feminism means by women having empowerment by being sexually promiscuous if they so desire.  How empowering.

This is a painful post, but we must move on into even uglier and darker truths.  Next up: So what do men really think of you when you give them easy access and hookups throughout your 20’s?  We’ve already established that men have no problem using women, if a woman puts herself in a position where she allows herself to be used for easy, reliable sex, he will usually always take advantage of it.  But what does he really think about her?  What is it that he’s not telling her?  Since I have my husband’s experiences and other men who I’ve read their accounts of when they used women (who were in their early 20’s), their line of thought can fall into two categories.  The first being that they just don’t think much about it, they truly are viewing it from a “nobody gets hurt & we both like it” kind of view.  The man is fine using her body for a hookup or casual or reliable booty-calls, but he thinks she is equally fine with the same, feminism tries to assure men that all women are – that they can mess around just like men can.  Some very few women really might be, but unfortunately, the women & friends I’ve seen do this are either hoping for a relationship with this man, in a stagnant unhappy relationship, or using the continued sex in order to cling to the remains of an ending relationship.  The second way men tend to view women who are promiscuous in the 20’s is from a purely advantageous viewpoint.  They know what these women are doing, and they are going to capitalize on it by screwing (using) as many of them as they possibly can.  They understand that they won’t want to marry one of these women, because their inner dialogue is saying that by the time this woman is ready to settle down (late 20’s or even into her 30’s), she will have had so many sexual partners, be so used up and washed out, having given her best self (sexually & beauty) to other men, why would he want her left overs?  They view these women (after the fact – after they’ve used them) as having emotional baggage from all those serial monogamy relationships or hookups, and they don’t want to start out life with a woman who’s self-destructed in this way.  It’s a purely yucky, ugly truth that some men (maybe very few men) are very much in touch with when they start actively looking for someone to marry. They aren’t going to tell women all of this (unless you’re lucky to have an honest brother), but they talk about it with other men (I’ve actually overheard these conversations – and it always makes me sad).

The problem (even with long term relationships that are sexual without marriage) is that without commitment. men can grow tired of having you for free all the time and start to wonder (very explicitly) what it would be like to have sex with other women, even if your relationship is going great.  Men are wired to want something different, it is just the way their brains and visual sexuality work.  This is why, for married women, sexual variety is key to keeping the passion alive in your marriage.  You can’t be a different person, obviously, but you can wear lingerie, have sex at different times of the day, in different lighting (daylight or candlelight), wear your hair different ways, and have exciting sex in multiple positions rather than just always reverting to missionary.  When you’re married, the emotional dynamics also change for the couple, and both partners are usually (if its a healthy marriage) extremely motivated to bond deeper and longer-lasting, in effort to avoid a costly and emotionally devastating divorce.  In hookup culture, even the best longterm relationships don’t have the same incentive as a marriage does in “making it last” or work.

Men are drawn like flies to sweet honey, to women who radiate innocence and youthful beauty.  The problem of wasting your 20’s in casual sex and hookups (or longterm boyfriends who aren’t valuing you enough to commit), is that as a woman lives her life in this way, she loses her vibe of innocence and youthful beauty like slow leak in a tire.  Men can see it.  I’ve heard men comment on it when talking about a girl they know 😦   Jadedness, even just a hint of becoming bitter with men (especially after having some truly bitter encounters where she realizes she was used), take over her aura.  Women should be emitting an aura of joyfulness, sweetness, girlish playfulness… these very things that men love most in women (the things that captivate them about you) are destroyed when a woman has sex with multiple partners.  Again, is wasting your 20’s in this way worth all this?

My mother, who i seriously owe so much knowledge about men to it’s ridiculous, once explained to me that the way prostitutes were able to do what they do is by shutting down the part of them that bonds emotionally to men when they have sex.  It’s by default, as a sort of emotional guarding or protection of their inner self, but that they pay a price for this by becoming “hard.”  She explained to me that the last thing a man wants in a long-term girlfriend or wife is a woman who has traded her girlishness for the hardness that comes from too many sexual encounters.  It is the scent of bitterness or emotional baggage that men look for and deliberately avoid when choosing who to marry.

And the last ugly truth reason (phew, we’re almost done!): It starts to take a toll on your looks – I’ve read hundreds of comments where men who were talking about women they’ve seen after years of her being promiscuous, note to the other men how much she had aged in only 1…2… or 3 years after they’d had their turn with her – the woman was usually always still in her 20’s, but the casual sex and hookups had already aged her past other girls who hold out for committed men, ultimately making her less attractive to the men who used her in the past!  Again, women reading this: please hear me when I say, there is nothing in it for you to self destruct in this way.

This undeniably puts a single girl at a disadvantage when looking for a future marriage partner.  Please, don’t do this to yourself, and if you find yourself in this position right now, stop & take a break from relationships for awhile.  Take some time to really understand what it is you want out of life.

Take a new direction, be kind and loving to yourself, and start really valuing your body and sexuality

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37 thoughts on “Single Women – Don’t Waste Your 20’s in Casual Sex & Hookups

  1. Pingback: Single Women – Men Secretly Wish It Was Harder to Get In Your Pants | girlwithadragonflytattoo

  2. Pingback: Single Women – Men Secretly Wish It Was… | Honor Dads

  3. P.S. I can’t even remember their names now. But she was fun at the time…That’s one reason why men won’t commit- she will give me the sex anyway!
    That’s not right, but that is the truth…Young women, PLEASE Learn this, before you get hurt!

  4. Reblogged this on sailordale and commented:
    PLEASE read this before you get hurt….Because, you will, sooner or later! Feminism is encouraging women to be sex objects, whether you realise it or not! And that sets you up for untold misery…

  5. Yeah, not sure who much casual sex you have to have to age in the way you suggest. I’m nearly 43 now, and as a man, I didn’t engage in much casual sex at all in my 20s, not for any ‘moral’ reason or religious, but simply because I didn’t get the girls/was unlucky/too shy/not bold enough/had an inbuilt BS meter/felt uncomfortable about using girls. It wasn’t for lack of trying though. We are the way our genders are wired. That’s the way life is. Believe me though, I met plenty of predatory girls who were also out to use men for their own pleasures! It’s not a one way street.

  6. Men don’t age the same that women do… y’all get sexier and even better as you get older up to a point. You’re late thirties early 40’s are supposed to be your peak of sexiness/attractiveness to women. It’s much harder for a woman to age well into her late 30’s and 40’s… both her face (wrinkles start showing up as young as 27), her body (it starts dramatically losing it’s elasticity and firmness – her breasts are probably starting to sag by age 30 unfortunately). Of course, some have good genes and age well, and many take care of their bodies, but there is definitely something sad about seeing a young woman in her 20’s wasting away her youth and beauty in casual sex.

    And yes, you are right, many women are ACTIVELY PURSUING such self-destructive paths, but that doesn’t make it a “one-way” street to say that there are many more men who are fine with using them, too. It’s that they’ve been led to believe that this is what men want from them, what they should want, that marriage in those years is bad, etc. Thank you for commenting though!

  7. To be fair, I think it varies by person. It’s not a blanket rule that women age less gracefully than men. Men, for example, are at sexual peak at age 18, though they might be considered more attractive later on in other ways. I think there’s a conflation here of promiscuity with aging due to some sort of moral looseness. It’s a value loaded way of viewing the topic. Sexuality is powerful and engaing in it can have deep consequences. I don’t doubt that men and women are different in this regard. I’m just not sure conflating it with a type of moral looseness that inevitably leads to wrinkles, premature aging, and emotional disaster is especially useful, particularly when there are plenty of exceptions and also when it’s unclear exactly what numbers might represent the type of promiscuity you are talking about.

  8. I think the biggest issue is how young women and girls fall into a trap of looking at themselves through the eyes of men. It creates body image problems and a culture where women act in a certain fashion because they understand that many men expect it of them. As a father to daughters, it concerns me greatly.

  9. Firstly, women do not grow older and uglier if they indulge in casual sex. I know plenty of women who are are in their 50s and 60s now, who had casual sex aplenty, and who would give a lot of women in their 20s a run for their money. What is true is that if one is highly stressed (and some might be stressed as a result of casual sex) then it is the stress that ages one, not the sex. Eating too much, drinking alcohol, smoking, etc. all age one.

    I agree that men and women view sex very differently. If I remember certain studies accurately, most women would prefer to read a book to having sex, some women only like sex if they are deeply in love with the man and visa versa, and about 10% of women view sex in the same way that men do. This is biological. Within those parameters lies a broad range of sexuality, including homosexual sex. I also believe that studies that say prior to the agricultural age, polyandry was the norm with men and women sleeping with each other indiscriminately, thus providing a wider gene pool for children. I have seen this in Africa – my birth place.

    I have often wondered why women are less highly sexed than men (not so in sub-Saharan Africa), and I would like to put forward my own personal theory. It just doesn’t make sense in evolutionary otherwise. I think that when mankind put down roots (agricultural age), men began to be more possessive of women and forbade them to have sex with others. Women who broke those rules were stoned to death for being ‘whores.’ The way DNA works, I think that the norm became women with low sex drives as killing off women with high sex drives were weeded out. I also think that because progesterone (in the pill) increases libido, that women have developed a higher sex drive over the past few generations.

    You say, “Most men are not like that, most normal men care about women as people.” Not in my life, they didn’t. My experience of men is that if I didn’t give them sex, they would go elsewhere to get it. And that is very much the norm today. Men can get sex anywhere they want it, and they are not keen to wait to ‘get to know the girl.’ And that includes my 10 years as an evangelical Christian. I am now a hardcore atheist.

    You say, “I’m not trying to say that Christians are better than Atheists, just pointing out that the time, money and resources they’ve collectively given to the poor all over the world is more than what probably any other group has done.”

    Yes, collectively, that might be true. But then there are a lot more Christians than atheists. Per capita, studies show that atheists give more. Per capita, there are also fewer atheists than Christians in prison, precisely because they are more ethical people. Google that.

    To get back to the main topic, however. Many men lie to women about their feelings just in order to get sex. In fact, most of them do at some point in their lives. Some don’t. That said, some men also will only sleep with a woman if they have feelings for her, and surprise, surprise, many men end up marrying the women they have been sleeping with outside marriage. The entire sexual environment these days is so varied and so complex that it is really difficult to make exact claims.

    For the record, I spent eleven years in America and I came to the conclusion that American women epitomize what it means to be a sexual object. They will do anything to get a man, including being submissive, playing at silly, giggly, female rules. I have wanted to puke when I saw it.

    Give me a strong woman who sees herself every bit the equal to a man, and whether she prefers casual sex or not, so long as it works for her, it’s okay. Some women don’t want to get married and don’t want to have children, and if they are comfortable with their sexuality, then they are NOT wasting their time. They are, rather, enjoying their time. And if you honestly think that some of those stunningly beautiful women in their 50s and 60s didn’t have casual sex, then you’re living in lulu-land.

  10. “And if you honestly think that some of those stunningly beautiful women in their 50s and 60s didn’t have casual sex, then you’re living in lulu-land.” lol you mean stunningly beautiful women in their 50’s and 60’s who are beautiful for their age… they will NEVER look the same as they did when they were 20. But don’t tell them that. haha

  11. And a side note… my husband saw a woman just last night that was a few months younger than him (not yet 30 – aka the target women I’m trying to reach with this) … and he was so sad to see that she looked as old as his mom. Like almost exactly like his mom. So sad what a life of throwing away your youth can do to a woman. He couldn’t believe it.

  12. “Give me a strong woman who sees herself every bit the equal to a man…”

    What is it with you feminists thinking that valuing your body and safe-guarding your mind or even just having morals mean that a woman is then weak. It is so insulting to hear that kind of tone. And you know what?That feminist filth is not working. Empowering women is what I’m trying to do telling them to value themselves. .. to be strong women who don’t let themselves be used. You are only undermining my message with your filth that to be a strong woman is to be self destructive.

  13. “Men are drawn like flies to sweet honey, to women who radiate innocence and youthful beauty.”

    OK.

    “The problem of wasting your 20’s in casual sex and hookups (or longterm boyfriends who aren’t valuing you enough to commit)”

    Hold on. If men are drawn like flies to sweet honey, to women who radiate innocence and youthful beauty, then why aren’t those boyfriends committing to that sweet honey?

  14. Mostly because it’s for free, but there are exceptions, sometimes they commit later on through marriage. The problem is that even the best LTR doesn’t have the incentive to make it last like a marriage does (the cost and risk of divorce). So if they break up, its more painful than if the girl had held out for real commitment.

  15. “Men don’t age the same that women do… y’all get sexier and even better as you get older up to a point. You’re late thirties early 40’s are supposed to be your peak of sexiness/attractiveness to women. It’s much harder for a woman to age well into her late 30’s and 40’s… both her face (wrinkles start showing up as young as 27), her body (it starts dramatically losing it’s elasticity and firmness – her breasts are probably starting to sag by age 30 unfortunately). Of course, some have good genes and age well”

    Men and women of Northern European descent, particularly Anglo, Irish, and Scottish age the worst. They hit their wall by 30 and look 50 at 40 with thin skin and thin lips. Southern Europeans age better. Arabs, Indians and Asians better than they. and the best of all are Africans and people with African ancestry. They practically never age until their 60s or even 70 in some cases.

    Black don’t crack, baby!

  16. “I have seen this in Africa – my birth place.”

    Tessa, read my comment above. Native Africans and people with African ancestry age the best because black don’t crack. African skin stays thick, soft, smooth and wrinkle free for a long time, unless it is overexposed to harsh outdoor elements and even then its nothing compared to thin white skin exposed to the same – which gets wrinkly by 30 sometimes even!

    “Men can get sex anywhere they want it,”

    Some men can. Not all men. Not most men. But if you are talking about native African men and men with African ancestry then its more likely because there is a global stereotype of them as muscular, virile, sexy lovers, and that stereotype can work in their favor with the ladies.

    “I’m not trying to say that Christians are better than Atheists, just pointing out that the time, money and resources they’ve collectively given to the poor all over the world is more than what probably any other group has done.”

    They expect the poor to convert. And they really, really don’t like it when they don’t. The rice train usually ends then.

  17. “It is true with the skin pigmentation, it’s part of the anti-aging benefits of having more melanin/melatonin.”

    What is melatonin’s connection to melanin?

  18. ” lol you mean stunningly beautiful women in their 50’s and 60’s who are beautiful for their age… they will NEVER look the same as they did when they were 20. But don’t tell them that. haha”

    Tessa says she’s from Africa so I’m going to assume she is native to there which means she would have seen stunningly beautiful women into their 50s and 60s because black don’t crack. I’ve course those women would not think they look the same as they did in their 20s, that’s ridiculous. But black tend to look their age whereas white people generally looks decades older than their real age but because they think they look their age, they will say blacks look younger, or blacks don’t age fast, whatever.

    After traveling the world I’ve come to the conclusion that white people of Northern European ancestry age considerably faster than everyone else. So the “s/he looks young for her age” thing is their invention to cover up the fact that their aging process is a lot faster than everyone else’s and that they look old before they should.

    Here in the States I regularly mistake white people in their 30s for being late 40s and early 50s. I even mistake 20 somethings for being mid to late 30s.

  19. “my husband saw a woman just last night that was a few months younger than him (not yet 30 – aka the target women I’m trying to reach with this) … and he was so sad to see that she looked as old as his mom. Like almost exactly like his mom.”

    I’m assuming she was white. I regularly see white people here in the States who look decades older than they are.

  20. “Men don’t age the same that women do… y’all get sexier and even better as you get older up to a point. You’re late thirties early 40’s are supposed to be your peak of sexiness/attractiveness to women. ”

    Says who?! Again, age and physical attractiveness varies by ethnicity and genotype. There are some men who look great into their 40s but they are not the majority population of men in the USA.

  21. “. The problem is that even the best LTR doesn’t have the incentive to make it last like a marriage does (the cost and risk of divorce). So if they break up, its more painful than if the girl had held out for real commitment.”

    Divorces are more painful than co-habitators moving out, especially when children are involved, which they usually are in divorces.

  22. “To be fair, I think it varies by person. It’s not a blanket rule that women age less gracefully than men. Men, for example, are at sexual peak at age 18, though they might be considered more attractive later on in other ways.”

    Depends on the ethnic background of the man. Black men are physically attractive from around 18 to 50. White men of Anglo, Scottish, Irish and other Northern European extraction have their best years 20-27. Very small window. Mediterrenean, Asian, Arab, Latino and other men have a wider window than Northern European white men but not as wide as Black men.

    I think you got your 18 years as when they peak in terms of sperm production which again varies by genotype and doesn’t necessarily correlate with peak physical attractive years. Many 18 year olds still look like kids rather than sexually attractive men.

  23. I’m so sorry… apparently I’ve gone insane from lack of sleep with my infant lol… melatonin and melanin are not at all related in the way I was thinking. Wow. I think the Dean of my College just died a little inside.

  24. The most important decision a woman will make in her life is her choice of husband.

    She can choose to be either beautiful to one man for a lifetime, or beautiful to many men for a very brief period of time in her youth.

    Young women need to understand that any decent, intelligent man will find a young women, even if very attractive, that has been promiscuous as being a huge turn off, and not marriage material.

  25. “Women should be emitting an aura of joyfulness, sweetness, girlish playfulness… these very things that men love most in women (the things that captivate them about you) are destroyed when a woman has sex with multiple partners. Again, is wasting your 20’s in this way worth all this?”

    This is such a limiting belief. I believe you have got some points right, but some points wrong. Instead of saying “when having sex with multiple partners, you should never give up your own unique aura of joyfulness, sweetness, girlish playfulness” you are saying “this is what happens”, it doesn’t NEED to happen.
    I can have sex and be perfectly fine with it, without giving up my inner happiness. Trust me, many guys may have noticed that as well.
    Yes sometimes it’s hard, but it’s not harder than when you don’t do casual relationships.
    It’s just something that takes: TIME, PRACTICE TRUST BELIEF CONFIDENCE and LOVE FOR LIFE ITSELF. you don’t need to love everything., you just need to love and enjoy the moment you are in.

    MINDFULNESS not “avoiding or not avoiding” physical intimacy. It’s about knowing who you are, what you truly enjoy, what you enjoy less and realising how the other person may see it, but also affecting the view of the other person with reality. The reality is that you are a PERSON he can relate to. not someone who is just an object. You can love the whole world and have sex with the whole world if you are at peace with it, contraceptions would be good, all other people would be capable of it, STD’s wouldn’t exist and half of the world wouldn’t have been filled with idiots.

    By wanting a partner, you both agree to create a safe bubble for both of you. That’s a long-lasting relationships. The reality when you try to do the same with partners for just one night, is that mostly both of you will miss what you have had but know it’s not reality and therefor the risk of getting bitter exists. Then if you both believe it was reality in that moment and it was good and now it is time to move on, the reality doesn’t NEED to exist.

  26. MOURNING A COSMOPOLITAN CULTURE: HELEN GURLEY BROWN’S LEGACY OF LIES

    gust 31, 2012 – By Shannon Geiger
    Editor’s Note: This article was originally printed on The Washington Institute’s website, and is reprinted with permission.

    Whatever you read or watch about Cosmopolitan Magazine’s International Editor Helen Gurley Brown who passed away two weeks ago, one thing’s for sure: she’s got mythological status. She’s a rags-to-riches story, the hardworking girl-next-door who makes it big and dies at 90 with a 19-year-old’s body and boudoir. In one of many memoirs, she recounts her childhood as an ugly-duckling who kept her nose to the grindstone and graduated high school valedictorian, then college. She came back home and saved her starving mother and polio-stricken sister by sleeping with bosses and co-workers to gain furs and apartments. At 37, she married Hollywood movie mogul Harold Brown, who encouraged her to write a book about everyone she shamelessly slept with prior to their marriage. Her story became a movie and—poof—she’s the editor of Cosmopolitan without any editing experience whatsoever. Her Midas touch launched the magazine to stardom, where today it remains the number one women’s magazine in the world. It is published in thirty-two languages, one hundred countries, and earned almost 400 million dollars in ad revenue last year.

    Gurley Brown may be the sexual revolution’s conflation of Jean Valjean and Hugh Hefner morphed into female form, and even after her death the show she started must go on. NYC mayor Michael Bloomberg said Gurley Brown not only changed “our entire media forever, but the nation’s culture as well.” She’s credited with single-handedly removing God, guilt, and any cultural taboo associated with sex outside of marriage, so women are free to have lucrative jobs, and all the sex they want, with all the partners they want now and forever more. Her pioneering efforts also firmly placed women’s nearly bare breasts alongside cutlines for multiple orgasms smack dab in the centre of grocery aisle-parlance while all of us check out.

    And the lies and cutlines continue even after her death.

    Her early life certainly was hard. Her father, who was a state legislator in Arkansas, died an accidental death when Gurley Brown was 10. It was during the Great Depression, and she and her grieving mother moved to California with an aunt, where Brown’s sister contracted polio. After business college, Brown worked multiple jobs as a secretary before landing at a prestigious ad agency where she became one of the highest-paid copy writers in the 1960s. She understood the power of words, plus the power of persuasion, and as anyone who’s watched Mad Men knows, sex sells. By becoming the third wife of Harold Brown, she gained a wealthy and powerful advocate who pitched their ideas to Hearst Publications. When Helen got the job as Editor-in-Chief of Cosmo, her husband helped choose manuscripts and write tag lines for every cover of the American edition until 1997.

    As a young, single woman, Brown struggled considerably on her own, and for anyone who’s alone, the vulnerability can feel scary and overwhelming. But she was also smart and gained the help of a propitious marriage at the cusp of a culture tripping over itself to award and applaud sexual immorality. Every decade of her career, she won prestigious awards for her “contributions to journalism,” and elevated the status of sexually active working women everywhere. She and her husband gave 30 million dollars to Stanford and Columbia Universities to establish the Harold and Helen Gurley Brown Institute for Media Innovation.

    So the lies continue, lies about what journalism, philanthropy, and good living truly is.

    Gurley Brown’s cultural prestige is particularly troubling given many of the shocking statements she made in her lifetime. It was part of her shtick, part of what got publicity, what sold then and still sells now. In her book The Late Show published in 1993, she advised women over fifty to borrow friends’ husbands for “jaunty recreational sex” because available men at that age are sparse.

    While I don’t know about you, I have been with friends when they learned their married fathers had sex with someone other than their mothers during their fifties. These young men and women came home from college to see their mothers crying in a heap on the kitchen floor. It’s certainly not a picture for a magazine cover, nor did anyone in those kitchens feel empowered or jaunty. Not even sexy. So how did we miss Gurley Brown’s point so badly?

    Brown never had any children nor did she want any, so she never personally faced the impact recreational adultery has on them. She did admit, however, that she and her editorial staff were often “laughing our butts off” at the hyperbole and sexual hype Cosmo perpetuated. This hyperbole created sales, fame, and fortune—and according to Mayor Bloomberg plus female biographers of Brown’s life—it created an emancipated culture for which we should all be grateful.

    As a former journalist, a part-time counsellor, and sexually active—albeit married—woman born into the world Gurley Brown is credited to have birthed, I find myself not only angered by the lies lauded at her death, I am stunned by how few have remarked on this aspect of her legacy. Is there no one at CNN, CBS, The Wall Street Journal, The New York Times, The Atlantic, or Salon who has any helpful moral critique of her portrayal of what’s “good”? Are we simply adhering to, “Never speak ill of the dead,” or are we as nation simply too ill to speak?

    You don’t have to be a Christian to critique Cosmo’s lie that promiscuous sex is our highest good. But apparently, America’s popular voice has no comment to the contrary. As Christians, how do we offer up something far better than “Good Girls Go to Heaven—Bad Girls Go Everywhere”? That guilt is passé and sluts are sublime?

    You can try a million things: sociology statistics, your personal story, or introducing people to Jesus Christ. You can talk about the ancient Greeks, their definition of the highest good, or the nihilism of Nietzsche. You can unmask Freud’s cocaine addiction and assisted suicide, or you can quote Bono who sings about resisting temptation in “Vertigo.” But collectively pray for the courage, the hope, and even the tears to start talking. More stories than Cosmo’s need to be out there, but one thing’s for sure. You’ll have to tell the truth about what is good and what is bad, and prepare to be mocked.

    The Psalmist in Psalm 73 says the arrogant “set their mouths against the heavens, and their tongue struts through the earth.” With Brown at its helm, Cosmo strutted across the world’s stage, laughing at the monogamous and the abstinent, and indirectly at the celibate Jesus and his commands. But the Psalmist goes on to say that God will determine the end of the arrogant who prosper in this life or to use Gurley Brown’s mantra, “go everywhere.” Then he says in conclusion, “but as for me it is good to be near God; I have made the Lord God my refuge that I may tell of all your works.”

    What would have happen if instead of tag lines on positions in bed or how to earn our first million or juggle a work schedule with satisfying hook-ups, we worked to put the goodness of God who comes near to us in Jesus in front of the eyes and ears of popular culture?

    Helen Gurley Brown published a glossy magazine with 300 pages every month for 47 years, and beyond the grave her lies continue, while the silence of saving truth is deafening.

  27. Wow! I hadn’t realized Helen Gurly Brown passed away in 2012… my mom talked about her when I was growing up… she had her book. She was such an interesting woman, and yes, obviously I agree with everything written here that you posted, she was not some role model for sure, but she was more complex than what people would think. My mom let me read her book… with parts of it stapled shut!!!!! It was the raunchy sex chapter I think… but she treated her husband exceptionally well, she adored him, and spoiled him in ways that normal American women don’t do at all. I think she really loved him, and it reflected in her book whenever she spoke of him… it was like she was talking about a god.

    I do agree she had horrible morals… and Cosmopolitan is one of the dirtiest magazines one could possibly read… and I was sooo young when I read her book, that I honestly don’t even remember much of what’s in it except for certain things that have stuck in my memory. But she was an interesting woman.

  28. I posted that Dragonfly to affirm what you wrote in this blog article.

    Although you point out that Helen Gurley Brown was devoted to her husband, she consistently inveighed against marriage. Her husband was a typical American man, he was proud of her sexcapades to the point that he urged her to write a book about them.

  29. You’re absolutely right, I totally agree with you and that comment! I was simply taught… glean from things what you can, don’t accept everything as truth unless it’s the Bible. There are good lessons to be learned everywhere, and from sometimes, the most unlikely places.

    I called my mom this morning to talk about HGB and the book… to talk about how she’s passed away. Her first words, “Oh! I hope she didn’t go to hell!” We both know she was very bad, she was an Atheist… but look at what she endured… her father being crushed in an elevator when she was just a girl. Her sister getting polio, watching her sister and mother suffer so much. And apparently her mother turned into a very nasty, bitter person. Her sister actually became a Christian, and my mom said that HGB had several people witnessing to her and praying for her, she hopes that in the end, she converted.

    LOL but my mom said she remembers stapling that book! She was open with me always, I could ask her anything I wanted, but she also tried to shelter me in ways, steer me in the right moral direction, and she used people like HGB to teach me also what not to become (and why – which is so critical to explain to children). She is… hands down… such a wonderful mother and person.

    My mom was so different than other girls’ moms growing up, most of the Christian girls I grew up with had no clue about marriage (a lot of them came from divorced homes in fact), how sex should be viewed in it (or outside of it), or how to treat men or act like a lady. My mom made absolutely sure I understood these things, and I am SO grateful for that! She taught me so much about men and how you’re supposed to treat them, how women are designed to be, and how to develop your character as a feminine woman. I’m not perfect at all, but all throughout growing up including now, my peers have always asked me for advice on relationships, marriage, and sex. I remember being 22 and teaching a Christian friend my age things her mother should have taught her about men, sex, and marriage. So sad that girls aren’t raised with mothers who actively teach them “girl game” so that they can avoid being used, have a chance at a good marriage, and make the most of their youthful years to get the life they actually want to live (usually being marriage and children). But I would be a hypocrite if I didn’t say I also learned things from HGB about how to treat your husband… I actually think of her whenever I spoil my husband by buying him gifts or something special (she loved spoiling her husband just because). Even this morning on the phone, my mom said, “Women (especially sour prideful Christian women) could learn a lot from her.”

    But again, you are right… and I’m afraid she did do a lot of damage in the way that she was so powerful, that she had so much influence, and chose to use it for evil. 😦 So not letting her off the hook there… but since you had brought her up, it was just interesting that I had read her as a child, and found even good things among the crap. I’m sure it would be more desirable for others to think I hadn’t been exposed to her book at all, but that’s not my history, and I try to be as objective as I can on how and why I became who I am today.

  30. Pingback: Men – Don’t Waste Your 20’s Misunderstanding Women & What They Want | girlwithadragonflytattoo

  31. From Dragonfly: This is a HILARIOUS comment I received from a woman today, it’s too crazy to take seriously, so I thought I’d troll it with my own responses for anyone else checking here on and off. Enjoy!

    Commenter:
    I have not had time to read all the comments however I am sure there must be someone else in hear that shares my thoughts.
    Your article/opinion seems somewhat archaic and as a female I want to stand up for the large percentage of us girls who actually enjoy casual sex and do not do it to obtain a partner for life or to pander to a mans desires or affections, We do it for ourselves and that is nothing to be ashamed of.

    No one said directly you should be ashamed of being a slut, but you know… LOL go ahead and believe you’re not an idiot allowing yourself to be used constantly as a toilet for random men. You’re a “pump and dump” in their own words. Feel proud! LOL

    I am now 40 years old

    OH WOW! A washed up slut who can no longer really get away with being an unpaid whore. You know, I actually know some women who were or are whores (paid prostitutes) and I actually have more respect for them than you.

    and I had a promiscuous youth,

    LOL…

    admittedly when i first lost my virginity I did it out of curiosity, maybe even expectancy. I wonder if I should have waited longer but the pressure from my FEMALE peers to catch up with them drove me to that first awkward sexual encounter with my then boyfriend.
    Throughout my 20’s I experimented a great deal and by 23 I felt some kind of sexual awakening… like I got this, you own it! It felt wonderful and I had control of my body and my desires.

    Yea, sure you felt “wonderful” and like you finally had “control,” but you wasted your beauty and youth and sexual peak value and fertility on being a slut. Honestly… there is nothing interesting about that – you didn’t contribute to society in any way other than bringing it down into further moral decay by allowing yourself to be sexually used constantly. Again… I see you as a kind of toilet who’s actually PROUD of having been a toilet for men’s cum.

    Admittedly over the next 10 years i made the occasional drunken mistake but wow it was a wonderful time.

    Um, yea, that is just insane lady. That is how young girls get raped. You are incredibly stupid and selfish to be spreading your sexual tales like this as something that actually SHOULD be done when it’s so dangerous for women to act like you did. It wouldn’t have been a “wonderful time,” if you’d been raped, beaten or murdered.

    I choose to be promiscuous simply because I didn’t want a boyfriend,I didn’t want an emotional attachment and I quite frankly got bored having sex with the same person over and over again!

    So you admit you were just an unpaid whore. Again, how in the hell is your “comment” supposed to change my mind???? If anything, your entire comment definitely confirms what I already believe. My views are not “archaic.” They are what is called “having morals.” I’d suggest you get some, but LOL you are sooooo far gone mentally and intellectually that I don’t think you’re capable of having sincere morals unless God struck you with lightning LOL!

    As I reached 31 something went BANG inside me!

    LOL… No… obviously something went “BANG” inside your head a long time ago where you completely lost all sense of rational and reason and decided to become a human toilet for men’s cum and call that the most wonderful thing you’d ever done! LOL

    For the next 2-3 years I was the most sexually charged that I have ever been. I look back now and think this must have been related to my body clock, to my hormones telling me it was time to reproduce.

    Yea… men call this “hitting the wall.” It generally happens somewhere around your early 30’s where a woman has an Epiphany phase (coined I think by Rollo Tomassi), when she finally wakes up to the fact that she’s wasted some of the most sexually valuable years of her life and needs to find a husband stat. Her looks are also at the beginning of slight decline usually, so she knows she needs to “cash in” her chips so to speak and marry the best guy she can find before it gets too late.

    Either way I could not control the desire and had a very hot few years feeling confident. at my most beautiful, most desirable and most in control sexually.
    The one day I just stopped, not by force, not by heartbreak and not with regret, it was just time to focus on other things in life.

    Being a human toilet for men’s cum must get boring right? I mean, there MUST be more purpose to life that swallowing random men’s cum and being an unpaid whore with no talent or purpose for her soul.

    I am now in a very loving happy relationship and the sex is good and the relationship is 100% committed. I have no desire to sleep with another but I do look back and feel grateful that I had those years of sizzling sexual energy, the thrill of first dates, the joy of lust and of the chase, the contentment and cheeky grins i could not contain on the ‘stride of pride’ the next morning.

    LOL… I think in a few years you’ll dry up completely and find that you have no sexual energy anymore for this poor stupid guy you managed to hook. Then he’ll have to suffer in the famous sexless marriage that often happens when men marry women who were previously promiscuous. And you must have like 10 STD’s by now right? He must be a REAL keeper in that he landed with a woman who was that loose and now all washed up and can’t be promiscuous with pride anymore.

    Promiscuity might not be for everyone

    LOL you mean being a human toilet for random men’s cum might not be for everyone but….

    but please don’t forget we are not all the same.

    LOL how could I ever forget when there are constant unpaid whores like yourself to remind me that I was so wrong to have values and morals and actually take care of my body, safety and fertility. Not everyone is the same, that is definitely true, and sad. It’s sad that you wasted all those years being an unpaid whore and are actually so proud of accomplishing nothing except degrading yourself and society. Really sad.

    I believe in one thing- as long as you are not hurting yourself (physically and emotionally) and you are fully aware and in control of your actions and how they effect your partners then why not enjoy your sex life while your body is young and beautiful and your are flourishing.

    Listen nutcase, you were NOT protecting yourself or “fully aware and in control of your actions” when you admitted you had several drunken affairs with strange men. You are lucky you didn’t get raped, beaten or killed. And it’s sad that a 30 year old has to teach you, a 40 year old, how stupid they are in this. Just plain stupid. And then to go around sharing this like you’re really something great or accomplished something worthwhile! Just insane.

    As this 40 year old woman my body has changed, I no longer feel as desirable, as sexy, as impulsive or even as interested in sex as I once was….

    Yea I’ve read countless comments and stories from women like you that experience early blow out. The problem with you touting this as so wonderful and amazing is that I know so many women in their 40’s and even 50’s who chose to get married early on and not be promiscuous and they still look like they’re in their 30’s and feel just as sexy and wanted by their husbands. They have it all – literally – and their husbands get the benefit of having a woman that doesn’t have early sexual burnout from being promiscuous in her past. You’re experiencing burnout… something I probably won’t have thanks to being a virgin when I married to my husband.

    i made very good use of it when i ‘had it’

    You should still “have it,” and the fact that you don’t, just like so many other women who let themselves be used in their 20’s or 30’s, just falls in line with you becoming another statistic of a doomed sexless marriage soon. You broke something inside yourself when you were that promiscuous – something broken mentally and emotionally and that will affect you physically (not as interested in sex anymore). Hmmmm maybe you’ve come to associate it with being used so much that now your brain can’t tell it differently. There are studies that prove that sadly, and that’s why I think you’ll wake up one day with no more desire. The problem is, the man you’re with will still have a strong sexual desire more than likely, and it won’t be fair to him.

    and now with all my experimenting out of the way I can enjoy a different kind of relationship and intimacy with my partner and my body, one of love regardless of my wrinkles, grey hair, sagging boobs and tummy rolls!

    Again, men are becoming more and more aware of these female plans to waste their sexual energy and youth and beauty on random men early on, and then settle for some poor schmuck dude when they’re all washed up and sexed out. They’re waking up to what women like you are doing to society, and they hate it. That poor man that’s with you may or may not understand what’s happening in your psyche, but he’ll start feeling it once your sex life starts to dry up. I mean you admit you’re not even that interested in sex anymore (early sexual burnout), you’re way past hitting the wall, and you don’t even feel sexy anymore. Again… this does not promote what you’re trying to spread as “wonderful.” Who wants to burn out sexually at only 40??? You still have maybe 40 more years of life left to live, and already you aren’t that interested in sex anymore. Wow! So “wonderful” it must be… to burn out sexually at only 40.

    And to add to the comments about Feminism….Feminism is about leading the life you want live, being strong and courageous enough to make your own choices. To learn about yourself from deep within and shine in doing whatever it is YOU choose.

    Yea I guess you make toilets shiny. Or unpaid whores. You know…

    Feminism does not teach you to be promiscuous or to be an object of sexual desire.

    It teaches you that getting married early and having a family or being a stay at home mom are all somehow slavery. Reread some of the early feminists’ books. They were anti-marriage, anti-children!!!, and very anti-men. They thought women becoming unpaid whores or slaves to jobs in cubicles and putting kids in daycares for underpaid untrained workers to somehow replace their own mothers in raising them were all **good ideas.**

    How horrible to think that some random daycare worker (and they have high turnover rates too) could somehow replace the child’s mother. Feminists really thought that little of women and motherhood that they thought some random person could take the place of the mother in the family.

    Feminism is about owning your body, owning your mind and going out to get what you want in this world!
    Young woman have the right to decide what they want and as mentors we are here to share our experiences and allow them to judge for the selves what is right for them.

    How great! Then I guess you won’t mind at all that I, as a younger woman, will judge your actions and experiences and delusions as being stupid and insane and even dangerous. Hopefully you ARE open to hearing someone else’s opinion on your actions right? Hopefully you really DO want younger women to critically think about your poor stupid life choices and decide for themselves if they want to be unpaid whores throughout the most sexually valuable time of their lives, and then get sexually burned out at only 40?

    I’m sure you’ve hated reading this, but it was really entertaining for me. So thank you for commenting and giving me a chance to expose yet more lies of how ‘WONDERFUL’ and GREAT feminism is for women.

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