Lover Above “Mother” – Putting Your Husband First

We all fall in love when we decide to get married – we’re not in those days where marriages were arranged (at least, in the U.S.) – we typically fall in love naturally, and marry the person we are head-over-heels for.  But once the months of preparation for the wedding have transpired, the blissful honeymoon hours have faded, and the actual marriage has gotten under-way, the couple usually realizes that it takes work to keep up a good relationship.  Most couples seem to navigate this establishing of their unique couplehood well.

When children come along – all bets are off!

Us women typically become cranky and argumentative, with a sexual desire that can be as cold as Antarctica – we take our silly complaints to social media sites like facebook to let the world our friends list know that WE ARE TIRED OF IT!  The irony of complaining about the very people you love the most (your husband and your children)!

The problem is… once children come, marriage just gets complicated.  When do you find time to communicate?  Most couples aren’t very good at first, at finding and making time for good,deep communication to happen.  Most of generation X still hasn’t completely embraced what Gen Y has accepted as truth; that marriages need regular date nights, flirting & teasing to keep the passion and romantic fires fanned.

Your role as a lover to your husband came before your role as a mother, and its still just as important for the life-blood of your marriage.

The issue of whether your husband or your children should be put “first” in your life is definitely a heated one.  Of course, everyone has different opinions, but I truly do believe that a family works best when the husband and wife both put each other first, and then the children come second.  You need to have a solid marriage where both of your needs in the relationship are met in order to care properly for your children.  When this is out of balance, husbands and wives start feeling neglected by each other, and as though their needs don’t matter.

Women are experts at getting out of balance, once children come along, not only are we extra (horrendously) tired, but we place our position of Mother above our role as Lover.  When a woman neglects her husband and puts her children first (and him second) the marriage starts to get out of whack… it starts deteriorating.

This can be shown in things like allowing your children’s extra curricular activities to run the family schedule into overdrive, to minor issues such as making sure you have enough time allotted in your week to communicate (uninterrupted by little ones). Some marriage counselors say up to 15 hours per week should be reserved for this couple alone time.  (Side note: our marriage doesn’t meet that time suggestion of 15 hours of alone time, but we do make a very deliberate effort to put our marriage first, to find the time that we need for intimacy and communication).

Once you’ve chosen your man, he is the natural, God-given leader of your family – to allow your children to make decisions (or to make decisions based on a false-guilt felt towards your children) instead of coming together and as a team discussing what’s best for all, is to disrespect your husband in his place of authority that God has given him, and your marriage.

Let’s be women who honor our husbands by not forgetting that we are his lover, his passionate partner in this beautiful, crazy, hilarious thing called life.


  1. I absolutely agree with you! When they are gone we are left with each other. I am blessed to have the opportunity to mentor young mother’s and encourage them in their most important role-wife. Thank you for boldly sharing! ~blessings~

  2. My wife, like so many others, is more of a wife to our children than she has ever been towards me, regardless of my romantic efforts, provision and willingness to change. It’s been that way since our first child was born. Thankfully, the resentment I’ve felt ends with her and doesn’t carry over to the kids. It’s not their fault she chooses to direct her time and energy towards them. Like Rebecca said, one day they will be gone, and then you are left with each other. In spite of this pending reality, my wife continues to bury her head in the sand. Unfortunately, all of her alligator tears and empty promises will have run there course by then. They used to mean something a decade ago. I won’t digress into an RP rant, because it wouldn’t end up very edifying. Suffice it to say that if this sort of truth was being taught and applied throughout the church body with even half of the fervor of the nonsense I’ve had to endure over the past few decades, just imagine how attractive our light would become to everyone around us. Thank you for being bold enough to say it. Perhaps in our lifetime we will see some balance restored to marital relationships. Even if one wife will heed your advice and make the effort, she and her husband and their kid(s) will be spared so much misery. And the godly husband will be much more likely to reciprocate with a natural desire to lead and serve.

  3. I’m so sorry XN. I don’t understand why women typically do this… like you stated, it affects the whole household ultimately. And I think you are dead on when you stated that the godly husband would be more likely to reciprocate and lead the family. What women are really doing when they decide to put their kids first is disrespecting their husbands (indirectly or directly depending on how open it is). It causes the husband pain just the same as if it were turned around and the wife found herself suddenly second in her husband’s life (to his work, hobbies, or an extreme example would be a mistress). Its just not the way God intended marriage to be. Thank you for sharing your words & thoughts in your comment, and for the encouragement to me – it’s much appreciated.

  4. I agree with you a Million percent! My wonderful wife and mother of our 4 kids completely ignores me in the affection & sex dept. Once a month, if I am lucky! It is so demeaning & hurtful to be ignored like that. All due respect, she is a wonderful Mommy, and I do appreciate that very much! She does all kinds of things to keep the house clean & neat, and so forth. But, I tell her I would be happier with a less than tidy house, if she would give me some of her time, it would make me want to do more to help her! And when I do something to help her, she complains that it’s not good enough! So, that makes me want to do less, since I can’t please her. She has gained weight from childbirth, but that’s OK for me, I still see her as my beautiful, sexy young bride! She thinks I am abnormal because I still want to see her naked. I tell her she still is the most beautiful woman in the world!!! I want none but her, I wish she wanted me the same way!
    But, due to my strong Love of God, I will never take a mistress or cheat on her. That is just not an option, and I think that ANYONE that is unfaithful to their spouse is just SELFISH, Period!

    Love your blog! Aloha from Hawaii!

  5. Oh wow! Thank you for sharing so honestly, I’m so sorry! You sound like such a wonderful man and a sweet, loving husband – I’m sure she loves you incredibly & just doesn’t realize your deep need for affection and sex. Many husbands feel the same way,, which is why I felt like I needed to write about it. Please check out the blog Frankly Speaking by Dan, tell him your story (it is very common & I think he even experienced it for awhile), and let him give you ideas to promote any change that might be able to happen.

  6. Reblogged this on All Things Bright and Beautiful and commented:

    Reminder for Mother’s Day… Yes, it’s nice to be honored and recognized for all our hardwork being a mom, but don’t forget we’re lovers to our husbands first, THEN a mom.

    Our husbands are the reason we’re privileged to become mothers in the first place 🙂 Be grateful and joyful this Mother’s Day!

  7. Could you dig deeper to understand why?

    I believe it is much deeper than wives just wanting to ‘ignore’ their husbands.

    One of my theories is that a child’s love is almost unconditional and a mother doesn’t have to flip/submit/lose herself/ignore her needs to get it. Her child just knows that this is my mother and loves her.

    It is worth looking into because this phenomenon is common across cultures; I am a Nigerian and it is a very common theme here also. Infact in some cultures before Christianity and monogamy, a wife is not seen sexually after childbirth so the husband takes a new fresh wife

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