A repair man named Daniel came over yesterday to fix our sink and electrical mysteries at our house. Just a few weeks ago, he had brought us a new stove as our old one had gone out finally… that and our landlord really likes us. It’s great having a repair guy you trust and can have a lengthy conversation with, I always come away feeling like I’ve learned or been reminded of another important life lesson.
Daniel is in his 50’s and is recently divorced from his wife of 21 years. The day after Christmas (after he spent around $4,000 on new kitchen appliances for her gifts), she told him she was leaving. Their entire marriage they’d had problems, they weren’t Christian, and for 19 of the 21 years he said she constantly rejected him. He said all these years he never really saw her for what she was… he loved her, spoiled her (buying her new cars), and was the romantic type of guy that would actually write love letters to her, which she would take to work and throw on a desk for her women coworkers to read and make fun of him (he walked in on this scene one day while he was bringing her flowers).
Can you believe it?
When their kids were grown, he wanted to work on their getting out of debt so that they could travel the states in an RV or go on long vacations… he had it worked out that it would only take a year to get 90% out of debt. His wife liked the idea at first, but then decided that she couldn’t live within their means and went as far to tell him that she couldn’t live with him managing their money responsibly – she wanted to have her expensive lifestyle, even if that meant going into debt.
He’s doing better now, happy even, and seeing a beautiful woman a little older than me…. What amazes me is that he stayed under his wife’s spell thinking she was wonderful, when for so many years she really treated him horribly. Only in retrospect was he able to see it. Men in the Manosphere (internet collection of men who blog on these issues) call this having “Wife Goggles,” where one thinks their wife is perfect, no matter how ugly she is on the inside.
He told me that women like me, and like the one he’s currently seeing, are beyond attractive, why? For one thing, he can tell they love their children – he’s been over twice now during dinner and watched me with my son at one of my favorite times of the evening – the time we get to eat! His wife never cared about her children in a very deep way – he said he only realized this after the divorce was in procedure and his grown children told him how they really felt about their mother and their childhood. She resented having children, she treated them more like an obligation rather than the treasures they are. She never got down on the floor and painted with them, never gave them the kind of attention he said he sees me give my son. He told me he realized it was selfishness, she was always thinking of herself instead of the people she should’ve been loving around her.
Seeing a woman with character is beyond attractive to men. You might say this only applies to men like him – older, who have had a bad one to recognize a good one – but that isn’t completely true. My husband’s main attraction to me when he was only 21, was that I was open with him, kind-hearted to everyone, yet also had beauty – he constantly told me that those things altogether are extremely rare to find. He was alluding to the belief that a beautiful woman is usually spoiled rotten, and in no way going to be a loving, caring, unselfish partner and wife… I’ve always thought this was false, but maybe I was wrong. There are so many men in his age-range and even below that are going through his very same circumstance of suddenly finding themselves single, with their wife-goggles in the trash can.
I wished him well and thanked him for his wonderful words and insight. It really is great to have an awesome repair man.
Last words: it really is a beautiful thing, that no matter what you’re like right now, you can work to have character. Character is a choice… and it’s wonderful that it’s never too late to change – for yourself and for others. Single women, have character, be that wonderful woman that makes her family and husband SO GLAD they have her.
22 The Holy Spirit produces a different kind of fruit: unconditional love, joy, peace, patience, kindheartedness, goodness, faithfulness, 23 gentleness, and self-control. You won’t find any law opposed to fruit like this.”
Quote from the Bible, Galations 5:22-23, The Voice translation