Single: Women Don’t Want Nice Men

Image from Allure January 2014 Urban Legends by Sebastian Kim

My younger brother (23), besides providing me endless entertainment, is currently single.  His stories and experiences I’ve been forbidden to write about, however, his relationship status has recently sparked a new interest for me: how to help the single man win and understand women.

There are many things that can be said, but I think the first and foremost fact that all single men need to understand is that women don’t want just another “nice guy.”  Let me be clear, “nice” and “kind” are two different things.  Niceness implies that there is no disagreeable characteristics.  He’s tame, lame, or boring.  Niceness exists because he feels he has to be that way, it’s forced and unnatural – women are not drawn to this.  Kindness is thoughtful and tender, it’s intentional, and much more of a turn-on.

This is where Christianity really cripples men regarding their masculinity, in my opinion.  Christian men are told that they have to lead, but they are rarely shown how or what that even would look like.  Feminism has women wearing the pants in the relationship, at least, that is what is projected.  The dumb male and the powerful, glamorous female.  Feminism is killing the very heart of masculinity in our culture where men are taught to be nice.

In Western culture, we really don’t have a process where boys or teenagers undergo a ritual of becoming a man; and sadly, most dads are not attune to their son’s dilemma enough to step in and lead their sons into manhood.  It’s so important for a young boy or teenager to learn from a father-figure, what it is to really be a man… and when they become a man.  Left on their own, there are too many feministic accolades in our society telling them not to be dangerous, not to get dirty, not to take risks, to be agreeable, and to not say what they really think.

There has to be an element of danger to man.  Not that he would ever commit crime or attack someone, but if he was faced in a life or death situation, he’d come out ok.  This is what makes “nice guys” so undesirable to women, there is no element of danger about them.  Women want a man with resolve, with inner strength, with character and purpose in his life.  In C.S. Lewis’ Narnia series, Aslan the lion is described as being dangerous, but good.  Goodness, again like Kindness, is intentional… is based on principle.  Niceness is mostly done out of fear.

So what do nice men do wrong?

  • Nice men allow women too much control in the relationship, never taking the lead, going along with whatever the girl wants in order to try to please her.  As a man, you have to take the lead.  You’re going to feel insecure at some point, it’s totally fine… but it’s important not to show it.
  • Nice men end up marrying controlling women who have a sick interest in emasculating them.  Ok, not all the time, but I’ve definitely seen this enough to understand the horrible existence these men have to try to live in.  I care about you single men, and if you listen to nothing else in this article listen to this: You deserve someone who treats you like a man, who makes you feel like a man.  A good indicator of whether you should drop a woman or not is definitely how you feel when you are with her.
  • Nice men put up with mistreatment.  First time she acts like a drama queen, move on.  Staying makes this kind of woman respect you even less.  I’ve seen nice men get married to disgusting women who love to use sex as a manipulative weapon.  You want to avoid this kind of life.  Remember, if she seems like a drama queen, she probably is.
  • Nice men tell women too much info.  Don’t tell a woman you’re just starting to date everything about you – she has not earned that right yet.  Trust has to be built up.  Guard your hearts single men, and part of this guarding is not revealing too much of yourself prematurely.
  • Nice men don’t know who they are.  I know I sound so harsh, and that is definitely not my intention.  But nice men are usually “nice” and too agreeable because they haven’t done the difficult work of figuring out who they are.  Again, it stems back to the masculinity issue of how and when they knew they became a man.  Soul-search, find out what you value in life.  Write your guiding principles down on a list and carrying it with you in your wallet.  Be true to yourself, it’s what “nice guys” were never taught to do.


  1. As someone who, I think, suffers the fate of many of these nice guys you’re talking about, I really appreciated this.

    Even more, I appreciate the distinction between “kind” and “nice.”

    There was some great advice here, I think. Thank you for sharing.

  2. I’m quite serious. I think I needed to read this.

    Highlights as I continue to progress toward dating again:

    1. Nice men allow women too much control in the relationship.
    2. Nice men put up with mistreatment.
    3. Nice men tell women too much info.

    I’m going to read this one or two more times. And maybe write about this today so long as nothing crazy happens in the next three hours.

    But only with your blessing. You okay with me piggybacking on your excellent post?

  3. Yes, thank you! It’s hard for me to watch my brother going through this… that’s what the motivation behind it was.

    If you have any questions I’ll be on for a bit, writing a recipe right now. 🙂 Thank you!

  4. Thank you.

    I have no idea what this post will look like. Generally, I’m just winging it. I had no idea what to write about today. But this really resonated. So, this, I think.

    Really appreciate. Should have something in a few hours. Not sure what. Hope you’ll approve.

  5. I would love to see a post for the girls like this! I don’t want to be just another nice girl, but I also don’t want to overbearing! Finding the line between stating what u want but not seeming to be controlling can be hard of course I always try to let the guy make the 1st move and plan the first date!!

  6. Good post with good information.

    But as always… the disclaimer for men is that they should generally not take advice from women. It’s haphazard at best, especially since most women are influenced in some way by feminism. Men should talk to other men who are successful in those areas of their life and be willing to listen and consider that information.

  7. ‘First time she acts like a drama queen, move on’. Or, tell her clearly that it’s unacceptable behaviour, and that you will not put up with it. If she respects this, apologises and there’s no repeat, you may be onto a winner. Otherwise, move on.

    With the same disclaimer as DS, nice post, good advice.

  8. Thank you, it was fun writing it. And you’re also right, you don’t have to just move on if she gets that it’s unacceptable. And you know, looking back at the post, most women at some point in time, become a little dramatic (it’s kind of in our nature… just a little bit!), but it’s good for a strong man to call her out on it.

    Thank you for commenting 🙂

  9. I’ve seen many ‘nice’ men. And too many con-men. Actually, I’ve seen the whole range (and their women). I remember Errol Flynn’s advice to young men—

    “Treat a duchess like a whore … and a whore like a duchess”

    —and sometimes he was right. Some of the con-men types followed the ‘four-F’ formula to the very letter (don’t ask) and left trails of broken hearts. I never could … was I too ‘nice’? I’d rather go without than make (or imply) false promises, I even now wear my heart on my sleeve and as best I can keep my word.
    I think I can let ol’ Willie Shakespeare sum it up—

    This above all: to thine ownself be true,
    And it must follow, as the night the day,
    Thou canst not then be false to any man.

    —and for any feminists out there: that final ‘man’ embraces all women too …

  10. Reblogged this on Notes Of Man and commented:
    To all you single men here is some insight coming from a woman at As I have said before turn your back on the indoctrination of the world that feminizes you and you will bring forth your manhood.

  11. Here’s a relevant post on the topic of nice guys and how they are taken advantage of:

    Today’s social mores are used to stymy and take advantage of Nice Guys, who are treated as chumps. One of the those is that men are expected to ‘Man Up’ and marry sluts who have pissed away their most ‘Biologically fertile’ and productive years (20-30), but men are not allowed to piss away their most ‘Economically fertile’ and productive years (30-40). Social mores like this and others are used against Nice Guys, often by the antipode of the Nice Guy – the Nasty Girl – who knows these mores and uses her legalist mindset to try and exploit them to her own advantage.

    With that in mind here is a list of how the Nice Guy is expected to behave in everyday life:
    The Nice Guy is expected to..
    …be tolerant of the stupidity of others.

    …be patient of females who are incompetent at something (the tacit reason for tolerating incompetence is because women have supposedly been ‘subordinated’ by the ‘evil patriarchy’ for the last N+1 thousand year, thus you must allow them to make mistakes).

    …speak truthfully, even if it’s about things that others would mock in you; whilst others are allowed to lie as much as they want.

    …never defend yourself from physical or psychical/mental abuse (e.g. ‘never hit a woman’, ‘turn the other cheek’ – even though Jesus used a whip once and called Pharisees whited sepulchres).

    …give other people the benefit of the doubt because ‘you’ are the one who ‘might’ be wrong. (Women often use this as a weak form of defence against any claims that you make about anything: they stand there with their hands on their hips and say “Well you might be wrong mightn’t you.” Intelligence Agencies use a variation of the tactic and call it ‘Plausible Deniability’).

    …defer to the judgement of the other person if you both disagree on a common point, because it’s polite.

    …try to help other people (even if they have no intention of returning the favour), to such an extent that the Nice Guy loses out because of it.

    …treat the ego of the other person carefully i.e. not puncture any delusions of themselves or beliefs that are wrong; and the Nice Guy must do this despite the maltreatment that they receive from the other person.

    …never appeal to authority figures (e.g. academics, social paragons, experts) even though the other person can do it all the time (e.g. atheists who defer to the views of ‘Scientists’ despite the fact that they themselves have never been in a lab since high school).

    …play by the rules of the game, even if the other person decides to bend or break the rules (e.g. playing chess with a person who thinks its ‘fun’, ‘naughty’ or ‘cute’ to start playing by the rules of Checkers/Draughts when the Nice Guy is winning.)


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  13. “This is where Christianity really cripples men regarding their masculinity, in my opinion.”

    Yes, I quite agree. We authored an essay about this nice guy (NG) syndrome. Some women do seem to want this and encourage it.

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