Sex & Affection… a Horse & Carriage?


If someone was to ask me the secret to what makes a marriage work, I’d tell them it’s what makes the couple stay in love – to know without a doubt that they still feel in love with each other on a regular, daily basis.

Yes, I believe love is a choice, but to deny that being happy together and feeling “happily married” is important, is to deny the basis of getting married at all.  When most married couples are to the point of actually having to go to a marriage counselor to try to repair their marriage, their usual request is for them to feel in love again – to be in love again.

So… what makes a marriage work?

You know what makes a marriage not work I’m sure: not communicating well, never resolving fights, constant bickering/badgering/fightingobviously, these things destroy feeling in love.

What creates the feelings of being in love?  I think one of the most important factor is to meet each other’s needs.  I adore the book, His Needs Her Needs by Willard F. Harley Jr., as it really goes into detail of how an affair can ignite when a couple is neglecting each other’s needs.  Dr. Harley comprises a list of needs for men & women that is just a guideline, of course many people have different needs than what he suggests.

If you’re married, it’s up to you to figure out your partner’s needs.  When you or your partner’s needs aren’t being met, you start to feel like it’s not fair… or not right.

A man usually cannot do without sexual fulfillment.  And a woman usually feels starved and unloved in her marriage if there is no affection.  These are just 2 main needs that are most cited – find out what is the number one need of your spouse & ask them what would help you better meet that need.

Affection for your wife:

  • Kiss your wife, hug your wife, hold her hand when you are out… embrace her in a passionate (non-sexual) hug
  • Tell her often how much you love her & treasure her
  • Romance her with little things, a coffee brought to her, a note or flower(s) sent to her office, chocolate is also a no-fail
  • Help her with dishes or laundry – especially if she feels overwhelmed
  • Be affectionate with kisses and hugs before bed every night
  • Look her in the eyes with passion, love, & kindness – it’s hard for a woman to resist tenderness in a strong man

Passionate sex for your husband:

  • Understand that when he wants you, it is the biggest compliment – treat his need for you with pride… & take that confidence into your sex
  • Understand he can’t feel fulfilled without YOU being sexually fulfilled by him. Do whatever it takes to figure out your sexuality & enjoyment of sex – if you care about your husband, you will make sex a priority
  • Communicate about sex – so many women for some reason can’t seem to be able to talk about it with their husbands!  Talk about what you love about the stages of sex… arousal, plateau, climax & recovery.  Talk about what you don’t understand.
  • Appreciate the difference in arousal – how fast your man gets turned-on seeing you naked, and how it usually takes a woman more time mentally to “turn-on”
  • Understand the problem of premature ejaculation & make effort to pro-long the best stage of sex (plateau phase) with different positions & different speeds of sex
  • Don’t put too much importance on orgasming – enjoy the love-making experience all together!  Once in plateau phase, orgasm is only a little more stimulation & time away, so enjoy it… don’t make sex something that creates performance anxiety!



(Photo from Ralph Lauren)


  1. I’ve never been married, but I can’t believe some couples go to sex therapists or that some women fake orgasms, when all these couples should need is some really intimate communication, experimentation, and openness with each other. (I wrote about this on my blog a while ago. I hate the concept of “sexology”.)

    It’s interesting to see someone talk about sex so explicitly and in a responsible way. I’m admittedly a little on the fence whether it’s a good idea to talk about ejaculation and orgasm so openly. I guess it’s not too distracting if referred to in an intelligent way. When most bloggers talk about sex, they’re talking about it in some sleazy way, with people they hardly know, or they’re just making jokes. But I see you’ve transcended the traditional misinterpretation of sexual repression.

    I think you probably make a good wife and mother. Your husband and your kid are both lucky.

  2. I think your blog is fascinating… I would’ve liked some posts but you curiously disabled that ability. 🙂

    I almost unfollowed you though, when I read about how you despise models! LOL I absolutely love them.

    I’m glad I “transcended the traditional misinterpretation of sexual repression,” in your mind. You write beautifully. And thank you for the wonderful compliments.

  3. An outstanding share! I’ve just forwarded this onto a coworker who was conducting a little research on this.
    And he in fact bought me dinner due to the fact that I discovered it for him…
    lol. So let me reword this…. Thanks for the meal!!
    But yeah, thanks for spending some time to talk about this subject
    here on your website.

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