This is directly from a woman who has, with her husband, counseled and spoken to many men who have cheated on their wives. She came up with a list – not meant to be total or statistical – but simply a list of things that seemed repeatedly what mistresses did that these men’s wives just… didn’t. Here is her list directly:
Mistresses Initiate Sexual Contact – “Yes, the man is the pursuer. When a wife pursues her husband sexually, however, it proves that she finds him attractive and desirable. It seems husbands enjoy being found attractive and desirable at least as much as their wives do.”
Mistresses Are Nice – “It sounds corny, but a little kindness goes a long way. Big and tough they may be, men appreciate kind words and consideration. The more brutalized a man is out in the world, the more necessary it is for him to be treated with dignity at home. Terms of endearment, such as “Honey,” or “Sweetie,” a pleasant tone of voice, or basic manners – saying “Please” and “Thank you” affirm a person’s humanity.
Mistress Show Interest In a Man’s Hobbies – “Many extramarital affairs begin harmlessly enough over shared hobbies. While on his daily run, he bumps into her on the track. An avid reader, he joins a book club, where she happens to be a member. If you husband enjoys football, try taking time to learn the game. If he fishes, subscribe to a fishing magazine and commit to reading an article or two a week. Investing in his hobbies can provide more common ground and an opportunity to grow closer.
Mistresses Seek Out a Man’s Opinion – “Is there an area your husband knows a lot about? Solicit his opinion and listen to what he has to say. I have a friend who follows local politics very closely. His wife consistently asks him to explain his position on various issues. She is very smart and has her own opinions, yet makes a point to ask her husband anyway because she is genuinely interested in his perspective.”
Mistresses Feed “Their” Men – “In many households, microwave meals are the order of the day for husband and wife alike. IF this is true for you and your guy, make hubby something nice once in a while. If you don’t cook, make him a sandwich, or buy him his favorite dish and bring it home to surprise him. The content may not be as important as the gesture.”
Mistresses Affirm Men – “At a marriage retreat I attended a few years back, the main speaker encouraged wives give out what she called “Attaboys” on a regular basis (as in “Attaboy Mykel! You took out the trash!). Every husband in the room applauded his approval. Giving a man accolades for a job well done, or a simple task he did on your behalf, shows him that you appreciate his efforts. Accolades encourage repeat behavior. Repeat behavior makes for welcome habits. Everybody wins.”
Mistresses Know When to Shut Up – “Giving your husband quiet time – especially at the end of a busy day allows him (and you) to decompress. During the course of your relationship, establish together how much is a reasonable amount of time for him (and you) to recharge. Do your best to respect that time.
Resist complaining to him about things he can do nothing about. Not everything you think as a woman needs to be said out loud to your husband. Do the bulk of your complaining to God. He knows, understands, and is able to affect change when your husband doesn’t ,won’t, or can’t. If you need to vent to or unload upon another human being, call or meet with a trusted girlfriend, and give your man’s ears a break.”
Mistresses Wear Sexy Undies – “Yes, granny panties are extremely comfy – but your husband doesn’t want to sleep with his nana. Invest in one or two outfits and make a point to wear them to bed periodically.
Mistresses Know What’s Going on at Work – “I am surprised by how many wives have no idea what their husbands face professionally. For better or for worse, many men define themselves according to what they do for a living. Wives should know how that part of their man’s life is progressing, if for no other reason than to intercede effectively on his behalf.
Mistresses (Sometimes) Buy Gifts – “A token gift, a handwritten note, or even a phone call says, “I’m thinking about you.” Who doesn’t like to “hear” that?”
Mistresses (Occasionally) Pick Up the Check – “It is more than okay to take your husband on a date from time to time and pay for everything. If you’re like most couples, the money comes from a joint account anyway. The gesture, however, is no less sweet. If you pay from your own account or allowance, then so much the better.”
Mistresses Ask For and Give Oral Sex – “For many Christians oral sex is strictly taboo. There are as many biblically – based opinions on the matter as there are Christians. Wherever you fall on the spectrum, consider reading Sheet Music: Uncovering the Secrets of Sexual Intimacy in Marriage (by Kevin Leman).”
Mistresses Invest in Their Appearance – “Between carpooling, grocery shopping, washing clothes, and wiping noses and /or butts, who has time for a shower, let alone a spa day? As a mother of four, ages 4 through 12, a writer, an editor, a volunteer, and a student, I know first hand how hard it can be to glam it up. Sometimes simply putting on a nicer pair of earrings (or any at all), choosing the t-shirt with fewer permanent stains, or painting on clear gloss, constitutes my investment for the day. The point is to put on something, or do something for yourself that makes you feel more feminine, more beautiful, more confident. Baby steps in the right direction still get you there. Give yourself lots of grace as you go.
Mistresses Say Yes to Sex More Often – “I’m shaking my head because as I write this blog, my husband snoozes soundly in our bed – alone. I know what it is like to be too tired, too angry, too apathetic, too cranky, or too busy for sex. But consider this: Your husband is your first ministry. To him, your “no” is a rejection. Persistent rejection can lead to his losing interest in asking you for sex altogether (Why should he bother if you’re just going to say “no” anyway?). A loss of interest in you can lead to his turning to someone else for validation. Not a pronouncement – just something to consider.”
Just some things to think about… I know it’s hard juggling children, work, a life, sometimes school as well, but I love how she called out our husbands as being our “first ministry.” Our marriages matter – they actually matter more than our children, because our children depend on them to succeed.
For her full article, click here.
(article & quotes by Sheeri Mitchell, www.walkingfaithfully.com)