The Controlling Wife

“My greatest struggle has been to have my wife remember that her role is to trust God’s leading through me and not regard me as an enemy.  I wish she respected me as the spiritual head of the home, even though she may think she is more qualified to lead herself.  God is sovereign despite my mistakes. My decisions for us do not take God by surprise.”  (husband, Jared)1

I think almost every woman probably has to work on this control issue.  Ever since Eve decided to take things into her own control and ate that stupid apple, it’s like this massive anti-trust has been ingrained in our beautiful gender.  The anti-dote to the control issue, in my opinion, is simply to trust and respect your husband.  Eve thought God was holding out on her – and don’t we all feel that way sometimes, that we really do know better than God.

While I love women and being a woman, this is definitely a downside to most of our sex, and a major marriage wrecker.  I remember sitting next to a couple (very young like we were – early twenties) at an event, and the young beautiful wife criticized her husband, in front of us no less, the entire time.  It was so painful to hear – and I honestly couldn’t believe it.  He barely fought back, and it truly made me wonder how he could put up with such horrible treatment!  I felt so sorry for him.  And I could almost sense the resentment and hatred of his wife slowing growing across the table.

Let’s get down to the basics, control is basically manipulation.  No one wants to feel manipulated, your husband can feel when you’re trying to manipulate him into behaving a certain way (that you dictate is right) or in doing a task.  While you might get results, they will also create in him a hardness and resentment toward you that you don’t want.

Some things to think about:

The woman of my dreams shows respect when no one else is around.”  (husband, Bill)1

The one thing I wish my wife understood about me is my need for respect, honor, and admiration.” (husband, Bart)1

The woman of a man’s dreams saves disagreements for the privacy of their own home.  She expresses her viewpoints, but allows him to make decisions without being second-guessed or doubted.  She supports him, whether right or wrong, especially in public.” (husband, Craig)1

“Controlling and giving are opposites, and giving is a more powerful tool than controlling to get what you want as a wife.  Moreover, what a wife gets back from giving is offered with enthusiasm and love, not fear or resentment.”2

If you can’t accentuate the positive, at least acknowledge it.  The world is full of messages to men that there are standards we don’t meet.  There is always another man who is more handsome, more virile, or more athletic than we are.  None of that matters if the most important person in our life looks up to us, accepts us as we are, and loves us even though we aren’t perfect.

Maybe there is a part of the small boy that never leaves the grown man, I don’t know. 

All I know is that the husband who has a wife who supports him and praises him for the positive things he does is the envy of all the other men who have to live with criticism, sarcasm, and constant reminders of their failures.” (husband, Roy)2

(1: Becoming the Woman of His Dreams, Sharon Jaynes, 2: Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands)


  1. These men do sound weak and for the sake of their marriages they MUST learn what it is to be truly masculine, which means they need to sop listening to the advice they get from woman and all of them men in church. Christin woman seem the worst for this type of bad behavior.

  2. I don’t know… I wouldn’t say they are weak, just being extremely vulnerable with their true feelings. I know it might look weak on the outside, I just don’t see it that way. Maybe I’ve known too many unhappy men (unhappy in theirmarriages) I don’t know. Its like the cruelest trick has been played on them – marrying someone that won’t give them sex or uses it as a tool for manipulation, or treats them horrible, all the while the men are supposed to stay faithful (and not look at porn). It is a horrible predicament for any man to be in. But for them to honestly say how they feel to me, is just them being honest and extremely vulnerable.

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