The Pain of Husbands

I don’t know why, but I understand men – at least, I feel like I do. When we were first married we joined a marriage class with our church that met Wednesday nights. It was an eye-opening experience. It gave us a look at marriage at it’s different stages – it was for “young married couples,” so usually they’d been married under 10 years. I’ll never forget the way I saw some of those women treat their husbands in that class – it was actually repulsive to me. Some that had only been married a year, already had major disrespect and communication issues. One woman complained bitterly about her husband (who was sitting right there!) concerning little things like the disdain of the mere thought of her waking up early to make his lunch – why should she? He leaves so early? Meanwhile he’s working hard and faithfully to support her so that she could stay at home with their children. LOL.
We didn’t stay in that class. Here’s a tidbit, or insight into the real pain a man might feel when he’s married, no matter how tough his exterior appears. Men are people, they have feelings.

“I hear many of the calls from women who sound so much like my wife. Their disdain for their obligations to their husbands is far too familiar. It is agonizing to listen and to know that I live with the indifference of a woman just like those callers.
I can’t describe the frustration, depression, and finally, the utter despair that is the result of twenty-four years of neglect. I can’t do justice to the efforts that I have made to salvage a relationship that should be the cornerstone of our family, but is instead a millstone around my neck. I can’t explain to you the progression from loving and nurturing husband, through concerned and understanding spouse, to frustrated and repressed male, and angry, depressed curmudgeon, all the way to desperate wretch.
Just know that you must write this book. If you can save just one family, you must write this book.”
(from The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands)

“The spirit of a man can endure his sickness,
But as for a broken spirit who can bear it?”
Proverbs 18:14

“Never, never break another person’s spirit. You will lose him! You will lose her! Don’t ever make your mate – or anyone else – the brunt of your jokes. Never ridicule. Never mock. Be very, very careful with barbed humor. Your words, so lightly spoken, may remain in an individual’s soul until his or her dying day.
Ridicule and mockery is cruel and kills communication. As Solomon wrote, “A brother offended is harder to be won than a strong city” (Proverbs 18:19). If you have offended your mate or another int his way, go and ask forgiveness.”
(from A Marriage Without Regrets)

The Golden Rule applies everywhere in life, but especially in marriage. Treat your man the way you want to be treated. If you want to be romanced, try romancing him… men love to be romanced even though you wouldn’t normally think it.
Here’s a list of things that are great to show your appreciation to your hard working husband:

-Make love to him regularly
-Pack his lunches for work
-Make sure you make his favorite dishes sometimes
-Don’t neglect your appearance
-Put him first, above your children, he is your other half, not them, and when they leave you (which they are supposed to do) you want to still have a connection with him
-Surprise him with a kid-napping where you plan ahead to whisk him away to a weekend hotel/bed and breakfast – just for the two of you
-Don’t neglect date nights

In general, be a kind person. Don’t be the one who is sweet before marriage, and then turns into a different woman after the ring is on her finger. Be good to your man.


  1. In the same vein, men can also disappoint their wives by refusing to take care of themselves, refusing to do something concerning their mental health, not willing to show affection or even have sex with you…and you can be the best wife in the world and it doesn’t always fix things. It’s not always about the woman.

  2. That is true, there are men also that do not take care of themselves, but the one who is unhappy in the relationship has the most power to do something to figure out how to make the marriage better. Probably the most important thing any person can do is communicate. This is a post about husbands though, and many many men would love to be romanced by the love of their life.

  3. Another fine post! If you haven’t already heard of it, find the book Wild at Heart by John Eldredge. He wrote it as a book for men, but it has turned into a great book for couples understanding each other.

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