Be Nice to the Nice People – Verbal Judo

This is a silly post, with a little bit of seriousness tucked for a bit of Truth.  I’ve been thinking for awhile on one of the things I’ve learned from the concept of Verbal Judo – “ju” is Japanese for “gentle” and “do” being the Japanese word for “way,” thus, the Gentle Way of Communicating with anyone.  The way that causes the least amount of stress or effort while still ensuring that people react the way they are required to.  Verbal Judo is a book written by a cop, and definitely for cops, although anyone can benefit from the wisdom in it.  It’s got great tactics for dealing with difficult, or even downright horrible people – for throwing them offtrack, for making them do exactly what you want them to do – which is crucial if you’re in law enforcement, or teaching, or in any position of authority.

One of the basic principals within verbal judo is being aware enough to be nice to the nice people.

Nice People are not your problem, but it’s still wise to treat them as if they’re important.  If you don’t treat them well, they may do what you want but will feel rotten about it.  You’ll lose credibility with them and gradually they’ll stop supporting you.  Besides, just because they are cooperative is no reason to take advantage of them or take them for granted.  Treating them with respect is right because it’s right.

So few people are cooperative that you have to cultivate and cherish the ones who are.

I’ve thought a lot about incorporating a Comment Policy, which is basically a “Rule” for my own little corner of the internet that seeks to moderate what is shown on my blog as far as comments go.  I’ve read that a lot of people don’t respect a blogger who moderates, because it’s somehow deceptive to not show comments that are critical or argumentative.

The problem is not with criticism, but instead with a person attempting to attack and destroy another with their reckless words in a comment or in an email.  One of my favorite bloggers who is a woman my same age & after my own heart, and yet beyond me in her growth and in her ability in disregarding her hate mail, surprised me as I read this morning that she also receives a fair amount of hate mail for running her blog.  Here is her explanation:

scissortailsilk Mom

I get a lot of hate mail. No, really… I get countless emails saying terrible things about me and my family. You might be surprised. There isn’t much I say on this page that would seem to come across as aggressive or deserving of hate. As a matter of fact, the sole mission behind all of my writing is to bring healing and hope to the hearts of others.

I guess, sometimes, hope is hard.

Sometimes, people don’t like hope… Or at least they don’t like how I offer hope to them or to others.

I could choose from many examples, but take this one for instance. I wrote article about a mom I saw at Chick-Fil-A. When scrolling through comments awaiting moderation, I was shocked (to say the least) to find that I had been called something that I read on the wall in a dirty bathroom stall once when I was in middle school. I was just as shocked to read it 20 years later in regard to my hope for the momma who wanted to eat her chicken nuggets while managing her small children.

I couldn’t understand why someone would stop in the middle of their day to say how angry they were about something that had nothing to do with them. Why would they seek out an opportunity to destroy hope?

I protect my readers passionately by not publishing every comment and by carefully moderating conversations on this page and my other social media accounts. I treat these places like my living room. I keep them safe for me and for my friends. Do you know why? Do you know why I care so much? Because this is my small corner of the internet.

And this is an area where I get to say no to hate.

With so many people who feel uninhibited in expressing their views of pessimism and criticisms, it is good to treasure the people (or bloggers) who we know are for us, to feel that we can trust them to give us criticism that we actually need to better ourselves, and who don’t feel the need to attack us personally or viciously.

It’s good to be thankful for the people who back us, the trustworthy people – to appreciate them.

It’s good to be nice to the nice people.

<3

My Husband Isn’t Worthy of My Desire, Respect, Trust or Kindness

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I received an email from a woman in her mid 30’s wondering how one can honestly desire, respect, trust or be kind to a husband that “doesn’t deserve it.”  In her own words, her husband isn’t “worthy” of her desire, respect, trust, or even kindness, that “the real problem is that this advice (my blog’s advice) is EASY to follow when you are married to a great guy and you haven’t ever had any hardships or resentments or relationship issues.”  That if you manage to get engaged early, marry the perfect man, have a dream proposal, etc. that you won’t have to work hard, or put any effort in at all, to have a good marriage.

This is based on the societal lie that the only people who have good marriages are the ones who got lucky in their picking, the stars aligned and behold, they acquired their “unicorn,” or mythical creature of perfection in marriage.  It is also based on the societal lie that women can treat their husbands “like crap” (her words), and still expect to somehow create a beautiful marriage, or at the very least, be angry or annoyed at someone (like me) suggesting that they should treat their husbands with respect, desire, trust and kindness if they want to have a good marriage.

Abuse, adultery, and alcoholism are things that ruin a marriage, and no, this woman’s husband was not guilty of any of those things.  He was simply an imperfect man who failed to meet her high expectations of carrying out a fantasy and dream romance.  She said in her email that she knew she carried some intense anger and resentment from the engagement into the marriage… and it was still there, 7 years later.  Because he messed up at the beginning, one time, she decided to make the rest of the 7 years full of anger and resentment.

For any wife reading this, let me give you some of the encouragement that I gave to this woman.

You need to let go of any grudges or resentment or anger you have toward your husband.

We are all human.  People make mistakes, your husband makes mistakes, and most importantly, you make mistakes.  If we as wives cannot learn to forgive and look beyond the mistakes that our husbands make, we are going to be miserable, terrible wives, and mothers who choose to live as an unhealthy role model to everyone around us.

If something happened in the past, choose to forgive, move on and let it go.  Never use old hurts or disappointments as ammunition to throw at your husband in the heat of an argument.  And never use past decisions to destroy the future of your marriage!  There is an interesting article at The Rational Male talking about a woman who never respected her husband in the first place, and when the time was right (several years into the marriage) decided to try her hand at attracting other men to get back at her husband for failing her several years before.

Marriage takes work

Your marriage is designed to make you grow and mature.  No, seriously, it’s how God designed it!  Living together with another person of the opposite sex, learning how to communicate in a healthy, adult way.  Learning how to be unselfish after a whole lifetime of putting yourself first enough to try to think about what he may want or need from you.  It is hard, but it is wonderful growth if you embrace it!

Part of the feminist society that we find ourselves living in tells women that they don’t have to work to have a good marriage, that being a “good wife,” that freely gives her husband a fulfilling and passionate sex life – that wants to please her husband – is degrading or beneath her position as a strong woman.  Cooking for her family is beneath her, instead women now take pride in never taking the time to learn to cook a simple meal.  Keeping a clean house is oppressive… who has time for that drudgery?  Nevermind that children need and crave a peaceful, stable, organized, reasonably clean place to come home to and be nourished in.  Loving her children and serving her family in these ways are outdated, and were oppressive for the women in the 1950’s era.  Women who still do them are backwards, old-fashioned, or at worst, doormats to be so submissive to their husbands.  These are the real, feminist lies we live in, and they do not promote self-less care and love for others, but they do promote selfishness.

So what we end up with is the ugly realities of a reoccurring feminist ideology that women should not have to do anything for men, except to show up, and then expect to be catered to for being female.

Instead of feeling entitled to a dream romance or the perfect marriage, we as wives need to be ensuring that we live and create our dream romance, by making an effort to be romantic with our husbands. By romancing him first if need be.  Not by complaining that he isn’t worth our efforts to begin with.

If your husband is the typical, normal husband who works for his family, providing for them, being a dad to your kids, the men that I see all around me whenever I go out, believe me, he does deserve your respect, love, desire, compassion, kindness, faithfulness, and gentleness.

I challenged this woman to try to emulate these beautiful characteristics into her character, and she turned it down, still adamantly assuring me that my husband must be perfect and hers just wasn’t, and although she felt sad about it, that he just wasn’t the man she wanted him to be, and should never have married him in the first place.

Dear wives out there, take my challenge.  If you want a good, healthy marriage, you absolutely need to give him respect, and be nice, kind and compassionate – you need to give him a healthy passionate fun and loving sex life!

Try these things for a month and see if it doesn’t make a difference, I’ll bet it changes everything.

Fashion Friday – The White Tube Top for Spring & Summer 2015

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So… Demurely Sophie is my brand of clothing where I make elegant and feminine apparel, and because I use a blend of recycled and new fabrics, it allows me to make the clothes at a price that is affordable.  I’m trying to do a small fashion line that is for the girl or woman who wants to be chic, but doesn’t want to pay a ridiculous amount for designer wear.

Every piece of clothing is designed uniquely and handcrafted.  Each item is one-of-a-kind.  We will also soon be selling vintage necklaces, scarves, handbags, and lamps/home decor, and hopefully, someday, furniture pieces.

It really is just a hobby, I’ve always liked to create, design and change things, whether it was a costume for dance or halloween, or a shirt I cut up and refabric-ed together to make a skirt.  I see everything in design and beauty everywhere – inspiration comes all the time.

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The clothes I create are only going to be clothes I love and would either put my kids in, or would wear myself.

The White Tube Top is perfect for Spring or Summer weather, it’s feminine while still being flirtatious, is detailed with delicate lace, beadwork, and bright pink sequins.

To flatter your shape, it is made of a comfortable, cotton material with a bustier done in the shirring style of sewing.

Fits sizes 2, 4, 6, 8  

$16.50

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Spring Bliss 2015

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Yesterday was blissful – the sky, the warm sun with the cool breeze, we ventured out as a family to find some fun… and we did!  I had to leave my camera at home to charge so the pictures came out not as clear with a phone camera.  It was just too beautiful to not take photos!

Spring & Summer clothing, for me at least, is lightweight and comfortable.

Striped dress for Spring

Striped dress for Spring

Victoria's Secret Nail Polish in Flirt Away

Victoria’s Secret Nail Polish in Flirt Away

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Blue-eyed Cutie

Blue-eyed Cutie

Haha his expression!

Haha his expression!

Our view looking up

Our view looking up

Love being with him!

Love being with him!

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Men vs. Women: Who Has It Harder?

When I was pretty young, I read a book that my mother gave me that changed the way I thought about men.  The Fascinating Girl by Helen B. Andelin, is a book written in 1969 by a wife and mother of 8 children – 4 sons and 4 daughters.  Her book (as well as her other books) seek to help women understand men at the most fundamental level of what men desire or need in their life concerning their relationships with women.

helen b andelin

Helen B. Andelin

One of the strangest things that I never realized before, and probably wouldn’t have realized at all if it weren’t for my mother & her book, was that men are held to higher standards of expectations in society.  From the beginning of time, it has always been this way.  Rollo Tomassi, author of The Rational Male (Vol I) & The Rational Male: Preventive Medicine (Vol II), writes that Men are expected to perform.

For Men, there is no true rest from performance. To believe so is to believe in women’s mythical capacity for a higher form of empathy which would predispose them to overriding their innate hypergamous filtering based on performance.

Women will never have the same requisites of performance for themselves for which they expect men to maintain of themselves. Hypergamy demands a constant, subliminal reconfirmation of a man’s worthiness of her commitment to him, so there is never a parallel of experience.

Women will claim men “require” they meet some physical standard (i.e. performance) and while generally true, this is still a performance standard men have of women, not one they hold for themselves. There simply is no reciprocal dynamic or prequalification of performance for women, and in fact for a man to even voice the idea that he might qualify a woman for his intimacy he’s characterized as judgmental and misogynistic.

In Andelin’s chapter devoted to being sympathetic to men, she echos this enlightenment to women in hopes that they will be able to come to a better understanding of what men (even young men) face.

A woman ought always to understand the responsibilities a man faces in his future.  Since most men plan to marry, they have, at least in the back of their minds, a picture of what this responsibility entails.  They know that they will be faced with the social and economic responsibility of a wife and children for a lifetime.  They also know that their family will look to them to be their guide and protector, and that they must grow into manhood if they are to fulfill this position.  They may not spend a great amount of time worrying about it, but they are nevertheless aware of it.  They know that if they are to succeed in this role as a man, they must make adequate preparation.

A woman’s preparation for the future is different.  She is planning for marriage also, but this does not require economic responsibility.  If she is employed, she knows that it need not last a lifetime – that others will not depend upon her for their daily bread.  IF she is attending college or planning a career – a career out in the world, she knows that others will not depend upon her success, and that she will not be disgraced if she fails.  She may change her mind, set down her burden at any time, without appearing a failure.  She does these things – assumes these responsibilites by choice, without pressures for the future.  Of course she may face unhappy or angry parents if she fails in school – but this problem she knows is only temporary.  If she makes a success of her marriage, she will win their appreciation.

But with men – their college, career or their jobs are serious business.  If they fail, they fail in their preparation for the future.  Success in life itself is at stake.  They must succeed if they are to fulfill their roles as men and provide for loved ones adequately.

Even in our modern society today, Andelin’s words still ring true.  The only exception would be the plight of the single mother, who actually does feel the burden of performance that Tomassi speaks of, and yet, even with that she is not burdened in the same way as being marked a failure by society.  Her marriage may have failed, yes, or she may have failed at “keeping a man,” and of course, there are social slights she will deal with concerning those conceptions.  However, even a single mother has access to financial aid, grants for college, emotional care, comfort and overall, a greater amount of empathy from society than a man will ever have.  Even though she feels the burden of being the sole bread winner, the other passes she’s given for being a woman lessen the overall burden she may feel to perform.

Into The Gloss Does interview with Dr. Patricia Wexler… the Dream Doctor

Photo by Tom Newton

Photo by Tom Newton

My parents sent me to a semi-famous dermatologist in our city when I was at the young age of 11 or 12.  I had barely gotten the beginning of one or two pimples, yet they (and my pediatrician who was a wonderful, amazing man – now passed on :( ) wanted to make sure I didn’t ever have to go through acne or (more importantly, to both my parents and my pedi) have scars that would be left.  So off we went to the best dermatologist in our city, I think she still ranks in the top.  It began what has seemed like a life-long relationship (lol, well… so far over half my life and increasing) with her, and it’s been wonderful getting to feel like my face is taken care of.

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Photo by Tom Newton

Aside from getting a good dermatologist that your insurance actually covers and that you actually trust with your life skin, the best EVER advice that has ALWAYS been spot-on, has come from this woman, Dr. Patricia Wexler… the Dream Doctor that can answer literally any question that is thinkable, and with a scientific finding or study to back her up.

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Photo by Tom Newton

If you read beauty magazines, you’ve most definitely turned over a page with her expert advice doing a Q & A section.

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Photo by Tom Newton

So let’s find out what’s on her TOP SHELF (ie. the products she uses and her beauty routine)…

ITG’s interview,

“I was five when I told my mom I wanted to be a doctor. She never discouraged me—she never said, ‘Are you sure? Do you want to be a nurse?’ Nothing. She just went to my school and told all the teachers to give me the advanced science books in second grade.

CAREER
I went to New York University—I was pre-med but with an art minor. I’ve always had an interest in sculpture, particularly of the face. I love old faces, young faces, children’s faces, so that’s the focus of my collection. And that’s when I met my husband, too. He proposed on the third date…I had to break up with my boyfriend to say yes! [Laughs] We got married nine months later and have been married 42 years. That was during the Vietnam War, and we had difficult time getting into medical school together—we ended up in Brussels doing courses in French. They were quick to fail people and didn’t accept poor accents. So they would say, ‘Your knowledge isn’t bad, but your accent is terrible,’ and they’d fail you. But it was an experience, and it made us strong and close.

When we got back to this country, I did internal medicine and infectious diseases at first. But the body is all connected, and I’m not good with losing people, so I switched over to dermatology. Emotionally, I had to accept the fact that people might judge me for switching focuses, but I don’t really care about being judged. As long as my patients are happy, then I’m happy. I don’t care about the outside world. But I’m not just a cosmetic dermatologist. When every patient comes in, they get a cancer screening. If they come in for Botox, they are still going to get undressed and examined. Patients will say, ‘I’ve never had a skin exam,’ and they’ve been going to dermatologists for years.

If you’re going to work 10 hours a day, five days a week, you want to love what you do. Dermatologists tend to really love what they do. And I have to do what I’m good at—when you’re in a practice with five other doctors, you get to pick and choose what you work on. For me, it’s sculpting.. I’ve been doing full-body liposuction since 1986, and I do a French technique where patients are standing for the contouring. I play Carly Simon while I’m doing it—“You’re So Vain.” Such good music to do it to.

SKINCARE
My mother was very big on taking care of yourself. She always took me to the best hairdressers for the best hair cuts. When I got my first pimple, she took me to the head of the acne program at NYU—things like that. It definitely influenced how I continue to treat my skin. Get a routine and figure out which products you like. Nobody can use three retinols, three night creams, and two day creams. If you’re going to deviate from your core products, only do it one at a time. And I always tell people to exfoliate on a daily basis. This once-a-week thing is nonsense. But, I think you have to know your skin. You should never look red or irritated—you should look better after you scrub. I tell my patients to do it in the shower, because if you’re not doing it in the shower, it’s inconvenient, it’s messy, and you’re just not going to do it.

So every day, I exfoliate and shower with my Resurfacing Microbrasion System—it’s a tiny granule, and I file it with a very rich hydronic serum that has pigment. It also has mulberry, bearberry, and chamomile. Your skin will actually look more soft and less pink and afterward. Then I also wash my face with myUniversal Anti-Aging Cleanser With Olive Oil—it takes off makeup, too. Never go to bed with makeup on. It could be 3am—even if it’s just three hours of sleep—I never go to bed with my makeup on. It’s got pollution and free radicals in it from the environment so you should be taking that off and using an antioxidant to combat those effects.

When I’m out of the shower, the first thing I put on my skin is Patricia Wexler Acnescription Overnight Acne Repair Lotion [ed note: currently unavailable]. I use a retinol three times a week—right now it’s the Natura Bissé Diamond Extreme. I think that it’s great, but you have to know how much your skin can tolerate. I have a lot of red in my face, so I’m careful. If you’re not so red, you can use it a little more, especially because a lot of the new formulas are non-irritating. I also love the Natura Bissé Diamond Ice-Lift. A day before a red carpet event, you put it all over your face, leave it on for 10 minutes to dry, and it peels off like cellophane. It looks like you had a facelift. I try to keep two jars around at all times. If you have puffy eyes or lip lines, it’s like a miracle.

Then I put on Nia 24 Eye Repair Complex all over my face because it strengthens the barrier of your skin, so if you’re dry, it keeps the moisture in. After that comes my Intensive 3-in-1 Day Cream orIntensive Night Reversal and Repair Cream. The day cream has sunscreen, the night cream doesn’t—but I like to use my night cream twice a day because it’s more reparative. It gives more oomphto your face.

But at the same time, I’m also very lazy. I haven’t done any lasers. My last filler was two years ago…and I haven’t done Botox in two years either. The things I am OCD about doing are habits that are just generally better for the skin. I’ve never smoked a cigarette in my life. If I’m somewhere sunny, I wear a t-shirt backwards, so it’s more like a boatneck, stand under a tree, use a parasol—I really try not to be in direct sunlight because I’m sensitive to it. And I need to stay hydrated all day long. I think being dehydrated is the worst thing for your skin so I have an 8 oz. glass of some liquid in every room that I work in, and if it’s not there, I get really testy.

MAKEUP
I don’t always wear makeup. In fact, there was a period this year where for about three months I didn’t wear makeup to the office. I just was in a phase—I wanted to look like Tilda Swinton or something. People said I looked so young and this and that. It was a conversation piece. Then I got tired of it.

During the day, I use ColoreScience Sunforgettable Face Primer. It makes your makeup go on really smooth and has SPF 35, which is fine for the winter. I use SPF 45 in the summer. After my primer, I use my new Giorgio Armani Luminous Silk Foundation in 5.75—It’s really nice. I use my fingers to apply it, not a brush or sponge. I know makeup artists do it with tools, but I don’t have the time or the patience for that. And afterward, this is the best blush—Giorgio Armani’s Cheek Fabric Sheer Blush in 306. After that, I go for my eyebrow pencil—the Vincent Longo Eyebrow Micro Pencil inAuburn one is the only one that goes with my red hair. I bought 40 at a time because you can use this pencil, and in a week to 10 days, it’s literally a micro pencil—but it’s the only one that doesn’t look like you’re penciling it on, which is good because my brows are totally blond. I dye them, and it only takes two minutes. Then I highlight under them with Anastasia Beverly Hills Brow Duality inCamille Sand.

Stila Eye Shadow in Kitten is the only eyeshadow I’ve worn for 20 years. I bought a ton of those, too, because I’m scared they’re going to discontinue the color. It adds a brightness to my eye. Smoky eyes aren’t my thing—I like a fresh look. I just started wearing eyeliner for the first time in my life this year. I feel like it makes my face pop. I like to do it in a straight line with Eyeliner Baby Doll by Yves Saint Laurent. It stays all day.

I like to put my lipgloss under my lipstick because it’s moisturizing but not too sticky that way. I just got the Chanel Lèvres Scintillantes Glossimer in 93 Pailettes. Then I’ll put Lipstick Queen Sheer Lipstick in Saint, which is a pinky-nude, on top. It’s really a pretty color but still neutral. I never do a bold lip. I think I’m bold enough. Even the eyeliner is pushing it for me.

HAIR
I’d never say I’m very playful with my makeup, but I’m very bold with my hair. I change the shape a lot. To me, hair is hair—it’ll grow back, and I can change it again.

I love Terax Crema Ultra Moisturizing Daily Conditioner andKérastase Bain Miroir, which I don’t think they’re making now, but you can go on eBay and spend a fortune on whatever is left. I’ll useSerge Norman’s Meta Lush Volumizer at the roots because I have thin hair—it’s curly but the texture is still really fine. The Shu Uemura Fiber Lift is necessary in my life. I use it two or three times a week. And then when my hair gets very dry looking, Nevo by Pravana Hydra Pearls Drops of The Amazon is amazing. It’s an oil in a little capsule or a pump bottle, and you put so little on through the ends. Occasionally I’ll do Kérastase mask, but that would mean I have 10 extra minutes in my life.”

—as told to ITG

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Photo by Tom Newton